Trump's lawyer, Ty Cobb. What? They couldn't find a lawyer with muttonchops named Honus Wagner? If they had, the onus would be on Honus.

Today on “Fun With Word Signs” with Kellyanne Conway, we will learn the difference between annul and anal. (Learned that one the hard way) 


Feeling all kinds of G-Stank up in this beeswizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kid Rock is running for Senate from Michigan. He is running an all anti-scissors campaign. 

(Wait and . . . there you go . . . )

A study claims men have to masturbate five times a week to maintain good prostate health. Which, oddly enough, does not qualify as an alibi to the cops at Hooters.

It’s rumored one of the people in the Donald Trump Jr. Russian meeting was a fellow safari hunter who helped Donald Jr. shoot a large African antelope. Turns out this is fake gnus. 

Experts say global warming will cause flight disruptions. It’s possible you could get dragged off your United flight an hour later.

Now it turns out there were eight people in the Donald Trump Jr. Russian meeting. This isn’t a story, this is a circus clown car.

This story has had more shoes dropped than recess at a Nike factory in China.

A friend of O.J. Simpson told “ABC” O.J. is a respected peacemaker in prison. As long as you don’ t try to date his ex-cellmate. 

Following his latest in a slew of arrests for drunken violence, Shia LaBeouf said he does not have a drinking problem. That is like Anthony Weiner blaming his problems on a faulty zipper. 

“AskMen” ranked the horniest countries and Greece ranked #1. Russia would be #1 if you could include how much they screw US elections.

We have a transcript of the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russian lawyer:

Donald Jr.: “So what is this dirt on Hillary?”

Natalia: “Just kidding about that. But have you heard about the savings with solar energy?” 

It turns out a former Russian counter-intelligence officer was in the meeting with Donald Trump Jr. and the Russian lawyer. All that was missing was a guy in a monocle petting a white fluffy cat.

In L.A., a woman taking a selfie caused $200,000 in knocking a column-domino damage at an art museum. On the bright side, the woman was named an honorary Kardashian.

Donald Trump commented that the French First Lady, Brigett Macron, was in such good shape. We have a new word to go with covfeve. It is Mrahc. The opposite of Charm.

Donald Trump Jr.’s college nickname was “Diaper Don,” for drunken bed-wetting. Eric Trump’s college nickname was “Coke Dealer.” 

Doctors recommend ten glasses of wine a week for heart health and a study recommends men masturbate five times a week for prostate health. Yet I’m kicked out of Olive Garden for being a (finger quotes) "drunk" and a "pervert."

Since you asked:

Things that I now believe were misleading from TV as a child:

The constant threat from falling anvils, pianos, safes, bowling-ball- burning-fuse bombs, exploding cigars, quicksand and cleavers being hurled by enraged chefs. 

The importance of being able to juggle, sing at a campfire and tap dance under a spotlight.

The overall friendliness of bears, lions, gorillas, tigers and snakes.

The lack of air-born time in a car. 

Running through the rain to make out with beautiful women. 

Parking spaces in front of restaurants in New York City.

Woeful lack of time machines, flying cars and top-hatted villains who tie damsels to train tracks. (Just out of curiosity, what is the upside for evil villains of tying damsels on railroad tracks? Is it a kidnapping gone awry?) 

The only damage from explosions being lots of black soot and torn clothes. 

(Whoever came up with the timing of the cloud of dust and the slight delay in contact noise from the coyote falling in “Roadrunner,” was an under-appreciated genius)

Had to let a Facebook friend go. (Not a real friend, a friend of a friend)

She was like having three of the worst kind of Facebook friends. She was the ultimate drama queen and she vented on Facebook. So things were either world-shatteringly awful with people trying to drag her down and constantly doing her dirty, or she was a shameless Facebook bragger with posts that screamed: “Your life cannot possibly be as great as mine, so don’t even try.” 

Either of those I could have put up with, but then add on to that she was on a diet and posted a picture of every gluten-free, fat-free, carbohydrate-free kale and quinoa salad she ate.

Whining and bragging I can take. It was the kale and quinoa salads that ultimately got her sacked. 

What did I learn again to share from "The Elements of Style"?

Most should not be substituted for almost. 

Most everybody should be almost everybody. When you think about it, most and almost are extremely different. Most means the maximum, almost is not quite. 

Tom Cruise, 55, is only six years younger than Hemingway was when he died

It is hot in LA. I’m sweating like Shia LaBeouf’s publicist. 

It is hot. I am sweating like Donald Trump Jr. when asked to define collusion. 

The commissioner of baseball, Rob Manfred, said New York Yankee, Aaron Judge, could become the face of baseball. But Alex Rodriguez will always be the ass that gets injected.

103 years ago today, Babe Ruth made his Major League Baseball debut. The losing pitcher, Larry King, went 6 and two-thirds innings.

Today is the 203rd anniversary of when Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Apparently Burr was infuriated Hamilton did not get him tickets for “Hamilton.”

Researchers now believe they have found the spot where Amelia Earhart died 73 years after she vanished. We do not know what Earhart died of, we just know it would not be covered by Trump Care.

73 years after she vanished, researchers now believe they have found the spot where Amelia Earhart died. And they think she died from food poisoning from eating at the first Chipotle.

Researchers now believe they have found the spot where Amelia Earhart died 73 years after she vanished. It’s sad. She died of a broken heart after Larry King stood her up.

In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. It is so bad, ISIS is trying to hire Kellyanne Conway to tell CNN their defeat is fake news.

New York Yankee, Aaron Judge, won the Home Run Derby hitting several home runs over 500 ft. Alex Rodriguez ranked the performance four-out-of-four syringes. 

The Los Angeles Dodgers have the flashing grandma; an elderly woman who flashed her white bra to the Jumbotron. And if she takes the bra off, she’ll also flash the three rows in front of her.

In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. It is so bad, they may change their name to the Cleveland Browns.

The latest poll has Chris Christie’s disapproval rate at 85%. In New Jersey that ranks somewhere between a rancid corn dog and a loan shark’s beat-down. 

Since you asked:

Peter Principle On a Scale Nobody Thought Imaginable.

From time-to-time you can go into a New York retail store - it doesn’t matter what it is, it could be an electronics store, a drug store, a laundry or a restaurant - and you will run into a customer service strategy that is essentially based on the premise, 

“If you don’t want it, someone else will. Now go eff yourself.” 

And they get away with it. Why? Because there are 8.5 million people in New York. 

That has been essentially Donald Trump’s mission statement but on a much higher pay scale. 

Because The Donald is so linked to New York and because he is so famous, there has been an endless stream of clients who will do what he wants. No matter how much Trump lies to them. No matter how much he screws them over. There is always someone waiting to take their place if they say no.

If you do enough business, eventually you will start to believe you are great business man. Just like if sycophants laugh at your bad jokes, you start to think you’re funny. Donald Trump truly believes, based on the huge volume of business he has done, that he is a great businessman. And he thinks he is funny.

He could not be more wrong on both. 

Trump could not be a worse businessman. Just because you fell headfirst into the Comstock Lode does not make you a great silver miner. It makes you a lucky one. 

Truth is, Donald Trump is everything that constitutes an abysmal businessman. He could not care less about anyone but himself. He has zero listening skills. Almost no attention span or learning curve. Trump is not just not personable, he is downright rude. And he is not smart. Not smart at all. 

And let’s not start on how humorless he is. And all of this ineptitude is showing up as president. But quick.

Donald Trump no longer has an endless stream of potential clients he can screw over like he did in New York real estate. There are only so many world leaders and so many congressman and so many senators. There are only so many members of the press. 

And Trump has already burned too many bridges. The press, the FBI, the IRS. 

What we are watching with Donald Trump is the execution of the Peter Principle on a scale nobody ever thought imaginable. 

Slake that snake and rake that Jake, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Researchers now believe they have found the spot where Amelia Earhart died 73 years after she vanished. We do not know what Earhart died of, we just know it would not be covered by Trump Care.

Researchers now believe they have found the spot where Amelia Earhart died 73 years after she vanished. They believe she died waiting for the cable guy to hook her up.




New York Yankee, Aaron Judge, won the Home Run Derby hitting several home runs over 500 ft. Alex Rodriguez ranked the performance four-out-of-four syringes. 



The first place Los Angeles Dodgers have a new mascot, the flashing grandma. An elderly woman who flashed her white bra to the crowd. And if she takes the bra off, she’ll also flash the three rows in front of her.



In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. It is so bad, they may change their name to the Cleveland Browns.



In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. It is so bad, they may changer their name to the Philadelphia PhillISIS. `



The latest poll has Chris Christie’s disapproval rate at 85%. In New Jersey that ranks somewhere between a rancid corn dog and a loan shark’s beat-down. 

Look out, everybody, it’s a surfin’ daaawwwwwwwwg



Blac Chyna received a restraining order against her ex, Rob Kardashian. It is the second restraining order against Rob if you include his pants.


The Senate Intelligence Committee wants to talk to Donald Trump Jr. Thus marking the first time the words Donald Trump Jr and intelligence have been combined. 



Facebook is warning people not to accept a friendship request from a hacker, Jayden Smith. Will and Jada provide that kid with everything and he still turned out like this?


Chris Christie guest-hosted a radio sports talk show on WFAN, and it did not go well. On the bright side, Christie was named mascot of the single A Brighton Beached Whales.



Chris Christie’s disapproval rating in New Jersey is over 80%. More people in New Jersey disapprove of Christie than they disapprove of beat-downs from their bookie.




Facebook is warning folks not to accept a friendship request from a hacker, Jayden Smith. If this is Will and Jada’s kid, he is now the most disappointing celebrity child not named Hilton. 



This is the MLB All Star break. Or as the Philadelphia Phillies call it: the break. 


This is the MLB All Star break. The Philadelphia Phillies have five days to suck at something else.



Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” This statement came right after somebody explained to Rob what the word spontaneous means.



Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” Spontaneous is also how doctors warned the heavy Rob how he will combust. 

Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” Rob then asked what spontaneous means. 

In the midst of his Blac Chyna P.R. nightmare, Rob Kardashian has sold his house for $2.4 mil. Fumigation not included. 

Rob Kardashian called his decision to slut-shame Blac Chyna “spontaneous.” Rob then apologized for having spontaneoused. 

Since you asked:


Former Bear, Dan Hampton is showing he can still be as aggressive as ever as long as it is passive aggression. We get it, Dan, you hate Jim McMahon.  Hampton said the Bears would have won four Super Bowls with Jay Cutler.

Admittedly I am not a Cutler fan. Maybe it is not his fault his face has the default expression of a high school kid being told there is a pop quiz. But he would not have won a single Super Bowl for the mid-80's Bears. Time machine included. 

The only reason the ’85 Bears did not win another Super Bowl is due to oversized egos with Hampton’s being right up there with Ditka and McMahon. Hampton is a hypocrite for hating McMahon for being all the things he was: a spotlight-hogging prima donna.

Can you imagine the defensive line Vikings greats Alan Page, Jim Marshall and Carl Eller trying to hog as much attention as Hampton and Steve McMichaels did on the Bears?


The most egregious ego went to the most overrated coach of all time: Mike Ditka. Ditka was just a greedy, cigar-chomping a-hole. (And I do not mean the gap over the center)  The real coach of those Bears was another egomaniac, Buddy Ryan. Egomaniac, yes, but, unlike Ditka, not a shameless publicity whore. 

(Although in the only defense of Ditka I can think of, as long as he was on a TV panel with Michael Irvin, Ditka was always going to be the second biggest a-hole)

McMichaels and Hampton were always the ‘roided-up, red-neck biker bullies of the Bears. Excuse my alliteration. Not the classy side of the team, to say the least.

Nobody loved the 1985 Chicago Bears as much as I did, flaws and egos included. The class acts are legendary starting with Sweetness himself, Walter Payton, but including Mike Singletary, Jimbo Covert, Gary Fencik and Dave Duerson. And yes, the lovable Fridge. 

And maybe the most underrated player of all time: Dennis Gentry. 

So, Danimal, thanks for your contribution to the best defense ever. But grab a huge piece of Shut-The-Hell-Up pie. 





One of the most amazing athletic feats I have witnessed took place around 1980,  five years into Walter Payton’s career, at the height of his success with the generally crappy Chicago Bears. It was the Wednesday the week before the Bears final game of the season and I was home from UCSB for Christmas vacation.

It just so happened I was working out at Northwestern when I stumbled upon a charity racquetball tournament that sent a local Chicago news team to film Walter Payton who was playing in the tournament. 

Why Walter agreed to play in the tournament was almost mystifying. He had to play left-handed because he had sprained his right shoulder and his right arm was in a sling. Also his left ankle was badly sprained and he hobbled around on it like a cartoon character. 

But he still played his guts out.

At the time I could not get over Walter’s generosity of spirit. He had agreed to play and stuck to his word; he did not want to let down the kids in the tournament. And despite these two terrible injuries, he played as hard as he could. 

That being said, there was no way I could have imagined him playing that Sunday for the Bears. I remember telling my mom and dad he would not be playing. My dad raised his eyebrow and expressed his skepticism. He said Walter said he was going to play. 

Not possible, I said. 

Of course Walter did play. And gained over 200 yards and scored two touchdowns. All on that green Brillo pad-covered, frozen asphalt parking lot the Bears called a field. 

The toughest athletes I have ever seen were all Chicago Bears. Gale Sayers leading the league in rushing on a knee that should have sent the surgeon, Dr. Ted Fox, to prison. Dick Butkus playing on two knees butchered by the same criminal, Dr. Fox. 

And Walter Payton. 

As far as credible sporting events go, I have always placed the Home Run Derby just ahead of the NFL Pro Bowl and race-walking. (Race-walking has been accurately compared to the contest for who can whisper the loudest)

This brought painful flashbacks for Trump. Just because your mother hired Frank Sinatra to perform at your birthday does not mean the cool kids will like you.

Randy Meisner - Please Be With Me

Randy just nailing one of the most underrated Clapton songs from "461 Ocean Blvd." Incidentally, while recording "Hotel California," the Eagles stayed at 461 Ocean Blvd for good luck.

In Cleveland, a newlywed hired a killer to collect on her husband’s $100,000 life insurance. The problem was his ex-wife was still the beneficiary. So I’m guessing the Hope Diamond is safe from her for now.

I’m also guessing maybe the honeymoon did not go super good? 

In Cleveland, a newlywed hired a killer to collect on her husband’s $100,000 life insurance. The problem was his ex-wife was still the beneficiary. This criminal was so stupid, she was extradited to Florida. 

Ivanka Trump sat in on a G-20 meeting. There was an awkward moment when Ivanka asked, “Wait. So a G-20 isn’t a private jet?” 

When Chicago Cub, Kris Bryant, found out he was not going to the All Star game, he had four hits including two home runs in their 6-1 win over Pittsburgh. Cubs fans then reminded Bryant he was invited neither to the NFL Pro Bowl game nor “Dancing with the Stars.”

Since you asked:

Saw an interview with Bella Thorne. About seven out of the eight Kristen “I won the actress lottery and yet I am a disgruntled brat” Stewart warning bells went off. 

After last year’s World Series win, I’ve said all year long, as long as the Chicago Cubs come out on the field wearing pants, we Cubs fans have nothing to complain about.

Having said that once again, there is something fundamentally wrong with a team with this much talent struggling so badly. Yes, it is understandable, after so much post-season work, their starting pitching would be off. 

But this is starting to have that unmistakable stench of the Super Bowl winning 1985 Bears. That team had a defense that was so unbelievable that I could have played QB and they should have repeated. 

The first sign of trouble is when the ‘85 Bears declined to play in their annual charity basketball game for the Chicago police and fire departments. Egos and appearance fees killed the game.

And their coach, Mike Ditka, forced the real winning coach, Buddy Ryan, off the team. When “Dah coach”  wasn’t busy filming every commercial for every sleazy used car company in Chicago. 

While, thankfully, Joe Madden is the anti-Mike Ditka, one wonders about the ego and money affecting this team. 

This 2017 Cubs team is also starting to remind me of 90’s Cubs teams with Sammy Sosa on them. We did not know it at the time, but Sammy Sosa was a clubhouse cancer tumor the size of the ball chasing “Indiana Jones.” We should have known when the consummate teammate, Mark Grace, despised Sosa for his rude selfishness.

Joe Madden said the problem was in the clubhouse. They got rid of one problem, Miguel Montero, but he clearly wasn’t the entire tumor. 

Personally, I am starting to think two of the tumor’s names rhyme with Snake Marinara and Javy Baez. (OK, so I could not rhyme anything with Javy or Baez) Snake Marinara - oh screw being cute - Jake Arrieta clearly had problems with Montero. But usually problems are not limited to one player.

One has the sense the clubhouse problem, whoever it is, has a lot to do with David Ross not being in the clubhouse.  Grandpa Rossy could have gotten away with slapping Javy and Jake around.

Right now the Cubs have to thank their stars that their division sucks. It is not too late. And now with The Schwarbarian back, this could be all they need. 

But somebody in the remodeled, fancy clubhouse has to pull their head out of their butt. 

Here is what the Chicago Cubs need to do. They need to hire an older, wise guy, about 58, who can grill a mean burger and steak and tell a great joke. And ex-athlete who can sympathize, but not one who was so great he has his own ego problems. 

And if he is also a huge Cubs fan, that is a big plus.

Set him up the clubhouse after games with a Weber and a couple gas burners, grilling steaks, playing tunes and giving the players a hard time. Maybe if he can play an instrument, like a harmonica with a small backup band on occasion, that would be a plus.

A guy who could flip them good-natured crap to keep their feet on the ground:

"Hey, Javy, get another tattoo that says "I Hate Tattoos."

"Yo, Jake, you having fun making millions playing a child's game? Then tell your face."

"Whoa, look, it is Bryant and Rizzo. Sure you could take time out of your busy commercial shooting to play a game?"

"Yikes, Hayweird, is that a beard or is a labrador napping on your face?" 

"My man, Lester. What do you and Bill Cosby without drugs have in common? Neither one can get to first." 

Now where would they find a guy like that? 

Besides being amazing athletes, what did US decathlon legends Jim Thorp, Bob Mathias, Mel Campbell, Rafer Johnson and Bill Toomey all have in common? All went to tiny high schools that did not have enough participants on their track teams so they had to do multiple events.