Saturday, March 31, 2007

It is hard out here

You best check that thang before you wreck that thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Put it in perspective
Pope Benedict said that hell is a place where sinners really do burn in everlasting life. Hell is bad. Not as bad as having to hear Sanjaya sing on “American Idol”, but bad.

H E double hockey sticks
Pope Benedict announced that he wants to remind people that hell exists; and to quantify just how bad hell is, the Pope said hell is somewhere between being Martha Stewart’s personal assistant and listening to Paris Hilton sing.

What a blow
The Midwest was hit with horrible Spring storms. To give you an idea how bad it was, it actually blew a liberal democrat into Oklahoma. In fact, it was the most a democrat was blown since, well, Monica.

According to a dermatology magazine, one woman has a real functioning nipple on her toe. Big deal? My great Aunt Bertha had both her boobs on her toes.

Not a total loss
Chris Sligh was voted off “American Idol” The night wasn’t a total bust. He did finish third in the Rosie O’Donnell look-alike contest.

Not good
The Chicago Cubs sent their one-time pitching ace, Mark Prior, down to the minor leagues. Being sent down by the Cubs has to be tough. Now Prior knows how the singers who were voted out of “American Idol” before Sanjaya felt.

I knew it looked familiar
Quentin Tarantino’s movie “Grindhouse” features a pretty one-legged girl who guns down men with her machine gun leg prosthetic. He got the idea from watching Heather Mills trying to wipe out Paul McCartney in their divorce.

Well it is
Paris Hilton could face 90 days in jail for violating her drunk driving probation. When asked to comment about Paris coming to their jail, LA. County women prisoners said; “That’s hot.”

Good choice
Researchers at the University of Nevada claim they have created a sheep that is 15% human. They are calling it Paris Hilton.

Friday, March 30, 2007

It is hard out here

We got the point up on this here joint, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Spring time is here and with it comes the allergy season. Be careful, I had a friend whose doctor was supposed to prescribe the allergy drug Allegra, but he gave him Viagra by mistake. It brought new meaning to the term a hard sneeze.

That didn’t go the way they planned
Officials at a zoo in Thailand have been showing panda porn to a panda named Chuang Chuang in an effort to get him to mate. So far all it has done has turned the Panda into a Trekkie.

I really think so
Officials at a zoo in Thailand have been showing panda porn to a panda named Chuang Chuang in an effort to get him to mate but to no luck. In fact all the porn has done has made the Panda go from Chinese to turning Japanese.

How cold was it?
It was cold this morning. I was shaking like the guy who handed the Ferrari keys to Eddie Griffin.

Comedian Eddie Griffin smashed a $1.2 million dollar Ferrari at a promotional charity race. There goes Eddie’s share of “Undercover Brother.”

Eddie is one of the men at the square table in the Miller Lite Man Law commercials. The next Man Law? Don’t crash a damn $1.2 million dollar Ferrari.

Idle Idol
“American Idol” now has lots of questions. Will Haley dress sexy again? Will Chris keep his momentum? Will Simon finally admit Sinjaya has a picture of him having sex with a goat?

Real baseball teams too
There is a new pitch invented in Japan called the Gyro ball that is supposedly can’t be hit. And not just can’t be hit by the Kansas City Royals, but against real baseball teams.

We are not amused
Britain is getting angry demanding the release of the 15 sailors captured by the Iran navy. It doesn’t help Britain’s mood that their sailors were captured by a Navy using rented paddle boats.

Attention grabber
Germaine Jackson has converted to Islam and goes by the name Abdul Azeez. The good news is that Germaine will no longer be completely ignored. The bad news is he will only get attention when he tries to board a plane.

Or something like that
In Hollywood FLA they have opened the first gay retirement center. I believe the name of it is the Clay Aik Inn.

That, uh, now that’s a big plane
That new huge plane the A380 Airbus is amazing. Some of them will have a bar, a gym, showers, a duty free shop, a hair salon and at least one or two Rite Aids.

Since you asked:

No lie, Terns and Gets, I gots me a new pet peeve. From now on there should be a law that there can be no car horn sounds on radio commercials.

The other day I was driving listening to the radio station I write for, 101.5 KGB FM, and I heard a long repeated horn honk. Nearly got in a road rage incident with the moron on the cell phone in back of me.

Since you askededed again:
Since you asked:

What is more fun than poking fun of people who take themselves way too seriously and therefore have no sense of humor? It isn’t mean because they don’t get the jokes in the first place.

That is why it is so fun to laugh at radical Muslims. And the French. And Paris Hilton.

Not to make light of the poor British sailors captured by – and why do we kid ourselves and try and identify all the different sects and areas in the Middle East? Let’s call them what they are -- terrorists. This time they happened to be Iranian.

But wouldn’t it be great if in these confession video clips - where the prisoners are clearly being threatened with their lives if they don’t say what their terrorist captors force them to say – if they threw in some Western messages that the terrorists wouldn’t get just to make the terrorists look like the idiots they are?

“Yes, my captors have treated me as well as that female astronaut treated Depends. And the food is so good I’ve been eating like Nicole Richey. Our Iranian captors say we intruded on their waters and they should know because they are every bit as smart as the rich and famous Jessica Simpson. Maybe even as smart and classy as the famous couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.”

And do not kid yourselves, our captors are also well groomed and clean. Why it wouldn’t surprise me if these men smell every bit as fresh and clean as the famous actors Russell Crowe, Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves. Why I bet they even smell as good as the French.

“At this time, my captors have asked me to ask our Prime Minister, Tony Blair, to apologize for violating the U.N. accord or else. Trust me, we should do what they say because these men are every bit as fierce and mighty as Clay Aiken and Sanjaya combined. And every bit as masculine and virile.”

“Well, that is it. All I care to add personally is that our captors have been every bit as fair and as just as the O.J. verdict. We have truly grown to like them nearly as much as Donald Trump likes Rosie O’Donnell for they are every bit as calm, easy going, thoughtful and sweet and kind as is Rosie. And almost as good looking to boot.”

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

It is hard out here

We lookin’ fly, dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Go figure
The cover article in “Newsweek” states exercise can decrease attention deficit disorder. Or something like that, I couldn’t seem to finish reading the article.

Not good
A woman trying to cross the Gaza/Egyptian border was detained when they discovered she had three crocodiles taped to her body. It’s pretty bad when finding man-eating reptiles taped to someone is really good news.

So sad
The last building of the first legal brothel in Nevada, the Mustang Ranch, went up in flames this weekend. In a solemn gesture of mourning, Charlie Sheen wore his pants at half mast.

That too
We are down from 65 to the final four. But enough about who might be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, the NCAA Tournament is also winding down.

Why did they cut that out?
A new biography on Ingrid Bergman revealed there were going to be two endings to “Casablanca.” There is the ending in the movie and another ending that was left out where Ingrid drives to Florida wearing a diaper.

Not nice at all
Georgetown beat North Carolina in overtime 94-86. With a ten point lead with six minutes left, North Carolina went 1 for 23. In fact, the only thing that choked worse than the Tarheels was the strangled Pakistani Cricket coach.

What are the odds?
The autopsy report is back and Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental drug overdose. In other equally shocking news somebody in Palestine got angry and threw a rock.

Not good either
Georgetown beat North Carolina in overtime 94-86. With a ten point lead with six minutes left, North Carolina then went 1 for 23. Dick Cheney shot better than that.

Not for those reasons
Britain has demanded the release of the 15 British sailors captured by Iran. There is no explanation why Iran captured the British but we can rule out they were nabbed for cooking and dental tips.

“Dancing with the P.R.’s”
Heather Mills is on a public relations blitz including “Dancing with the Stars” to counteract her bad press from her ugly divorce with Paul McCartney. She decided her image needed a leg up.

Not nice
On CBS “Sixty Minutes” a reformed terrorist reveals the biggest reason young Muslim men become terrorists is their objection to their arranged marriage. That will hurt a poor girl’s feelings;.

“Hey, where is that guy I’m supposed to marry?”

“Oh, he blew himself up instead.”

Since you asked:

No kidding, I am looking for an answer here. Now, if you read this blog – and sorry about that if you do - you know I am four-square against those public-rude-captive-audience-cell-phone-yammerers. A couple of times, when confronted with the PRCACPY’s, (pronounced: prick-ah-cap-E) I have worked up the gumption to employ David Letterman’s advice and talk to them as if they are talking to me.

“No, I don’t know if we should have Chinese or Pizza tonight. No, I did not record “American Idol. Yes, I think Sinjay sucks. Yes, that Simon is snotty but he is usually right.”

What is hysterical, the few times I have done this, is how rude the PRCACPY’s think you are being because you are now doing to them exactly what they are doing to you only now it is bothering them. And only if something affects them does it ever really matter.

Here is my question: has anyone, anywhere ever been forced to hear a rude loud cell phone conversation that was worth listening to? No. You never hear:

“OK, sew up the aorta and start the Morphine drip. I’ll be there soon. Sorry I was late for the open heart surgery, I was busy putting out a fire at an orphanage. Yes, I did save all the puppies.”

No, this is what you hear from the PRCACPY’s :

“What are you doing? Nothing? Me? Nothing. Do you want to do something? I don’t know. Nah. We did that. Huh? No. Me neither. OK, later.”

Again, I am not against cell phones, just rude use of cell phones. Go outside. You shouldn't want us to hear your conversation as much as we don't want to have to hear it.

Remember, only you can prevent PRCACPY’s.

(Polite applause crescendo'ing to a boisterous ovation)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It is hard out here

It is game time, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That doesn’t seem fair
A passenger on a Southwest airlines flight from Boise to Salt Lake had to urinate in an air sickness bag because the bathrooms were closed. Upon which Southwest airlines immediately fined him $500 for having container of liquid on board.  

A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer. The Judge scolded him not to ever try and buck the system again.

Again, weak
A belly dancer in Germany received a big settlement when a plastic surgeon performed lipo suction on her and accidentally removed one of her buttocks. It’s sad, she can no longer laugh. At least I think that’s what they meant when they said she can’t crack up anymore.

Sounds familiar
A publisher has announced that it is turning several tapes of Bill Clinton’s conversation into a new book. I think it’s called “Tuesdays With Monica.”

The producer of “Girls Gone Wild” videos was seen carousing in a gay bar; this explains his latest video, “Girls Gone Wild, Guys Gone Fabulous.”

Police announced that the recently deceased Pakistani cricket coach, Bob Woolmer, was strangled. Authorities suspect anyone who had to endure watching the entire cricket match.

Can’t get rid of this guy
On “American Idol” no matter how horrible he does, Sanjaya Malakar, still gets voted back; he is the George W. Bush of “American Idol.”

That will show him
An L.A. Attorney has just filed charges against a T.S.A. employee at Los Angeles International Airport, alleging that he took a watch out of Paris Hilton's luggage. The thief already learned his lesson, he caught a Sexually Transmitted Disease from Paris’s watch.