How are the Cubs going to win three? Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweeter-than-sweet, sweet Lou, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The gift that keeps giving
You know what happened twelve years ago? The jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial found OJ Simpson not guilty; if you want to buy OJ an anniversary gift, he’s registered at Blood, Bath and Be Gone.

Brokeback White Way
“Brokeback Mountain” is being produced as a Broadway play; yeah, because the movie just wasn’t quite gay enough.

“Brokeback Mountain” is being produced as a Broadway play; they can’t replicate the Montana mountains scenes on a stage, so this play will all take place in a Minneapolis airport bathroom.

Not good
Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana, the state of Virginia has added more dog fighting charges, and now the Atlanta Falcons want Vick’s $16 mil bonus back. If Vick’s luck gets any worse, he’ll have to become an honorary member of Notre Dame.

Twelve years gone
You know what happened last week in 1995? The jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial found OJ Simpson not guilty; well, thank god there could never be another LA jury so stupid they’d let a celebrity get away with murder.

How old is he?
Can you believe it has been twelve years since the not guilty verdict in the OJ Simpson murder trial? OJ is so old he honestly can’t remember where he hid the knife.

A judge has ordered that OJ Simpson give up his Rolex watch for the civil suit that found OJ liable for the murder of his wife and Ron Goldman; wait a minute, if OJ doesn’t have a watch how is he going to know when to kill people?

They grow up so fast, sniff
First daughter Jenna Bush has written a book. A wistful President Bush said, “Why it seems only yesterday I was trying to read a book to Jenna. Bless her heart, she’d say, “Sound it out, Daddy.”

Great idea
A New Jersey man who was choking on an onion-ring while driving, dislodged it after crashing his car into a tree. He saved himself from choking by driving into a tree. Why didn’t the Mets think of this?

Ewww
People are still talking about the New York Mets collapse, they lost a seven game lead with seventeen games to go; in fact, this is the worst case of gagging that didn’t end up as a stain on Monica Lewinski’s blue dress.

They got knicked
New York Knicks coach, Isiah Thomas, was sued for sexual harassment for $11.6 mil; only the Knicks could figure out a way to continue to lose big even during the off-season.

She sure does
In sad news, Britney Spears lost custody of her two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney was upset until she found out she lost custody, not custard. That Britney lovers her some custard, y’all.

Makes sense
In New York, a man is suing Home Depot because he got his butt glued to a toilet seat and he was stuck on the toilet. The good news is he was made an honorary member of the New York Mets.

The medical term for having your butt stuck to a toilet seat? It’s called a bad case of Myassistuktoacrapper. (my-ass-is-stuck-to-a-crapper)

Since you asked:

Here is a cute story. Tuesday there is a story in the San Diego Union Tribune about a whining fest in La Jolla over a sidewalk that has a five inch crack in it. The locals said it was the city’s responsibility to fix it and the city said that the locals had to fix it because they ruled the ground too unstable.

So, Wednesday, my buddy calls from New Jersey and asks what I think about the La Jolla story and I tell him that I think those rich people are a bunch of whiners and they should stop complaining and take care of the problem themselves. He sounded a little surprised.

Right after I hung up with my buddy, an East Coast feature editor to whom I submit jokes called me and said he knew I lived near La Jolla, and his department was going to write an article about it and wanted to know what I thought.

“What’s the big deal? Who cares about a bunch of whining rich people? Screw em, let them take care of their own problem" I said.

“Can I quote you?” he asked. “Sure”, I said.

That’s when I turned on the news. Massive sinkhole, houses sliding down the hill. People in the hospital.

“Noooooooo!”

I called the feature editor back to explain, but as it was 4:30 pm PST, 7:30 EST he had left for home after filing his story.

Not going to look very sensitive to our brethren to South if that gets out.

We slip sliding away, slip sliding away, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Pamela Anderson got a marriage license with the guy in the Paris Hilton sex video, Rick Salomon. If you want to get a gift, the couple is registered at Bed, Bath and From Behind.


A woman in Siberia gave birth to her 12th child, a girl who weighed 17 pounds. As a result her vagina was officially declared a Chuckie Cheese.


In sad news, Britney Spears lost custody of her two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. When asked to comment about losing custody of her kids, Britney said;
“Dang, y’all, I was wonderin’ where they up and scampered off to.”


A poll reveals senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton as their candidate; of course they would prefer it if that young legal eagle would run for president: Matlock.


A new study reveals that men are happier than women, a total reversal from a few decades ago. There are various theories for why men are so happy but I have two ideas: Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria.


Pamela Anderson got a marriage license with the guy in the Paris Hilton sex video, Rick Salomon. Health experts predict this union could reduce sexually transmitted diseases by 20%.


The New York Mets blew a seven game lead in the NL East with 17 games to go and lost their division to the Philadelphia Phillies; or as the playoff-bound-Chicago Cubs fan call the Mets collapse: proof of a benevolent deity.


The New York Mets blew a seven game lead in the NL East with 17 games to go. the Mets staff sent an e-mail to ticket holders apologizing for the Mets poor performance. As empty gestures go, this ranks up there with the time FEMA sent the hurricane Katrina victims a dangling kitty, “Hang in there, baby” card.


Notre Dame has lost it’s first five games in a row, by far the worst start in their history; in case you don’t know in French Notre Dame means our lady. In football it means: our bitch.

Can I get a snap-dog one time on this snickity snick, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I’m not a doctor or anything, but . . .The Globe’s headline reads “OJ Has Brain Cancer.” I’m not a doctor, but OJ can’t have brain cancer for the exact same reason he can’t have ovarian cancer. He doesn’t have any.

Double O bringing it
Ozzie Osbourne is on tour. I think the name of the tour is “Mumble and Shuffle Palooza.”

Is everybody happy?
A new study reveals that men are happier than women, a total reversal from a few decades ago. The study suggests women are less happy since the 70’s due to the stress of choosing between work and family. The reason the men are happier than the 70’s? Two words: Internet Porn.

Just when you thought there was no hope
Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda to bring attention to their problems; well that should take care of everything. It is well known that no crisis, whether starvation, war or epidemics, cannot be fixed by a rich, air-head, sexually-disease-ridden untalented skank

Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda to bring attention to their problems; let’s face it, when you think of Paris Hilton, you can’t you help but think of Mother Teresa.

Paris Hilton announced she wears her clothes once and then donates them to orphanages. In a related story, this explains the recent outbreak of orphans with crabs.

A woman in Siberia gave birth to her 12th child, a girl who weighed 17 pounds. The good news is that the 17-pound child, the mother and the father, Rosie O’Donnell, are all doing well.

A Chicago couple, with the last name of Field, named their newborn son, Wrigley Field after the Cubs ballpark. Is that a nice thing to do to a child? That means every October he will be bitterly disappointed.


Since you asked:Let me tell you about getting older. Here is what getting older feels like to me. You know that one favorite toy you really wanted at Christmas? You know, you asked for a bunch of stuff, but there was that one toy that you really wanted the most?

And sure enough, if you were lucky and had great and generous parents, like I did, there it was on Christmas morning. It was so beautiful and shiny and gorgeous in that package you almost didn’t want to open the package, but, being human, you had to. Afterwards, you almost didn’t want to open the other packages because it took away from playing with your new favorite toy. For weeks you invited friends over just to show off your toy.

Getting older is like being that toy on my birthday later on August 15th The toy is still the same, the working parts are still there, but it showing it’s wear and tear. Especially with a new crop of toys coming in on your birthday, well, let’s just say nobody is getting invited over to play with it.

(Sad, polite applause)