We getting’ our holiday ho on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Sweet mercy
The White House has finally agreed to Senator John McCain's bill banning torture. Thank god, that finally means NBC is going to take “Joey” off the air.

Drama
The movie “King Kong” is exciting; I especially loved the scene where King Kong goes nuts in Manhattan when he can’t call his wife in Australia and he throws a phone at the hotel concierge.


What’s the difference between King Kong and Russell Crowe? One is a big, scary, smelly ape that goes crazy, the other is King Kong.


There is one scene in “King Kong” I’m not too sure about; when they are trying to stop Kong from rampaging in New York City, so they bring out Donald Trump and he tells Kong he’s fired.


I didn’t really care for that one scene in “King Kong” where Kong has a love scene with a gay cowboy.

Going ape
Monkeys are big right now. Sharper Image’s mechanical chimp head is selling like crazy, “King Kong” is doing well at the box office, and Paris Hilton’s monkey is engaged to a Greek shipping heir.

We kid the lesbian couple
In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; it was an ugly break up, they’re still fighting over who gets the Melissa Ethridge CDs.

It’s an ugly break up; they’re still fighting over who gets custody of the camper.

In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; man, that Angelina Jolie is relentless.

In Vermont the lesbian couple who had the first civil union is splitting up; the couple cited irreconcilable flannel.


Their first clue
The California grocery store Ralphs has been indicted for hiring people with fake name tags during the grocery strike two years ago. Authorities became suspicious when an usually large number of workers were named Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.



The lap of doom
Minnesota Viking quarterback Dante Culpepper was charged with a misdemeanor for getting a lap dance during the Vikings drunken sex boat cruise. It’s the most trouble anyone has been in for having a girl in their lap since Bill Clinton and Monica.

Duh
In Ohio, an Amish man was blackmailed for $67,000 by a prostitute. The Amish man paid because the prostitute threatened to post pictures of them together on the Internet. Then he tried to cancel the check when he suddenly remembered: oh yeah, the Amish don’t have computers.

Mmmbop
Can you believe the New Year is only 15 days away? In five days I will have finally gotten used to writing 2005 on my checks. That’s nothing, the brother band Hansen is still writing 1995 on their checks.

Why?
Everyone doing their shopping? You know what I have never understood? Gift certificates. A gift certificate is simply giving someone money that can’t be spent anywhere else in the world but that one annoying store.

I got it
In Brooklyn a man caught a baby that was thrown from the third story window during a fire, the baby is fine, but it was scary, right when the man caught the baby, it was almost knocked out of his hands by Chicago Cubs foul-ball-flubber Steve Bartman.

Good news
Ashlee Simpson collapsed after a performance in Tokyo and has been hospitalized. Doctors diagnosed her condition as exhaustion and they will not allow Ashlee to continue singing so, luckily, that won’t effect her future performances.

Kong along
The movie King Kong is out. I like that movie, especially that scene where Kong goes berserk when the beautiful blonde woman tries to get him to go see “Pride and Prejudice.”


A survey reveals that Americans have sex 113 times a year. That’s good news for my buddy Ron, having sex 113 times equals 4,000 bonus miles on his frequent flyer credit card.


Since you asked:
Got a code in my node. As I am always one to look at the bright side, having this cold in my nose is really good for my Robert DeNiro imitation – not that I have any use at all for a Robert DiNero imitation. It’s kind of like my imitation of if they cloned Willy Nelson and Jerry Lewis and he nasally sang; “If I were a carpenter and you were a LAAAAAYYYYDEEEEEEE!”

So the stuffed up nose works for DeNiro and the congestion gives your face that look that little kids get right before they cry or adults get when they just tasted something bad. Then you end your sentences in a slightly higher note and repeat them in classic Jersey or Brooklyn form;

“I dunno, I dunno, I heard some things. I heard some things.”

And shake your head when you do it and use your hands a lot..

(Polite applause)

Oh yeah we gonna sta

We gonna crack down a smack down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Now that’s bad
The reviews for the First Couples’ holiday dog video “A Very Beazley Christmas” are in and they are not good. One person said the President and First Lady’s acting was wooden and forced. And that’s coming from Madonna.


Eww
The Minnesota Vikings star quarterback Daunte Culpepper was among the three players charged by police with misdemeanors for their actions in a drunken sex-filled boat party. The only good news for Culpepper? On the boat cruise none of his passes resulted in dropped balls.


What we needed when we needed it
Oral B now has the new Triumph toothbrush that has an “on board computer”; let me tell you something: if you need a computer to help you brush your teeth? You have bigger problems than dental hygiene.


Oral B now has the new Triumph toothbrush that has an “on board computer.” How does that work? “Sorry boss, I can’t come into work today. The on-board computer on my toothbrush went down. Yeah, I think my toothbrush has a computer virus.”

“Darn, I have to brush my teeth but I can’t remember my password.”

The toothbrush computer counts and if you brush longer than 30 seconds, it makes a smiley face; if you don’t brush your teeth, it makes a West Virginia toothless smiley face.


The Kev-Stir
Rumor has it that, if they split up, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. $125 million or his testicles back, either one.


Rumor has it that, if they split up, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. In a related story, it has never, ever, been more embarrassing to be a man in this country.


Rumor has it that, if they split up, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. This would be the most expense removal of white trash since the Mir space station crashed to earth.


Hey, Kevin needs that kind of money, they aren’t giving away bags of chronic weed and Popeyes fried chicken.


Rumor has it that, if they split, lawyers for Kevin Federline are demanding a $125 million divorce settlement from Britney Spears. The only way that dirt bag could earn that kind of money himself is if he opened a “Slap Kevin Federline” bid on eBay.


How wet is it?
In New York City the snowstorm turned into rain. It was so wet and messy, in Times Square, the hookers were offering $50 for a blow dryer job.



I, uh, did not know that
Shaquille O’Neal has been sworn in as a reserve police officer in Miami: Shaq will be able to carry a gun and a badge and the handcuffs Kobe Bryant used to use on room service waitresses.



Iraq’s election was today and to mark that they voted they dip their finger in purple ink. The Iraqi vote turnout was good, I haven’t seen this many purple fingers since they strip-searched Barney the Dinosaur.




Since you asked:

When I pick up Ann Caroline at her school, I am fascinated by the kids who run around the playground full speed looking the other way and then are shocked when they run into something. Of course, I never did that as a child. Are you kidding?


When you are in high school, you have one job: trying full time to be cool. That’s it. Everything else, studying, sports, activities, is secondary.


In the brief hiatus between the end of indoor track and the beginning of outdoor track, I would go for runs from the locker room, across the front of the school to Indian Hill Country Club golf course and run on the golf course - until I got kicked off - and then back. An adventure of about four miles


One unusually warm, muddy, early spring Illinois day, I was running in front of our high school just as school ended and the sidewalk was packed with fleeing students. As I was running hard and fast, trying to look cool, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Julie Davis across the street in front of Phalen’s drug store, putting her bicycle in the back of her mom’s station wagon. Julie Davis was impossibly beautiful – long thick, lustrous dusky blonde hair, piercing green eyes, high cheek bones and a body of a Viking Warrior goddess with amazing long and muscular dancer legs.


When Julie bent over and reached into the green and faux wood-paneled station wagon to shove her bike back, a gust of wind caught her green plaid skirt and, thank you god, I was suddenly looking at Julie’s white panty clad tooth-chipping rock-hard beautiful butt.


Then, suddenly, I saw a blinding flash of light along with the loudest bang I’ve ever heard and I was suddenly on my butt on the sidewalk looking up at the furiously vibrating street sign I had just run into full speed. If I was in a cartoon, birds would have been chirping around my head. Then the very next thing I heard was the deafening loud burst of spontaneous laughter emanating from everybody in our high school who had just seen what I had done.


Including Julie Davis.


After further review, it was White's drug store in front of our high school, not Phalens. Sorry, Julie, I did not mean to mess up our beautiful moment together.

We getting’ all holiday busy up in this here hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Awesome drummer of our band The Mitigators, Tom Neal get the rim shots ready
It is so cold people in New York are shaking like a Baghdad parking attendant.


It’s so cold in New York, Bill Clinton is cuddling with Hillary just for the hot flashes.


It’s so cold in New York, Donald Trump has switched to his fleece hairpiece.


It’s so cold in New York, Bill Clinton was shaking even before he tried to give Hillary a dust buster for Christmas.


It’s so cold in Los Angeles, Paris Hilton is actually considering wearing panties.


It’s so cold in Los Angeles, Lindsay Lohan crashed her car just to feel the steam from the radiator.

It is so cold in Los Angeles, Pamela Anderson had her breast implants replaced with hot water bottles.

So Cal
We try to have traditional Christmas in Southern California but it isn’t easy. Last night we played Nat King Cole’s Christmas CD, drank egg nog and decorated the tree; and then, bam, Lindsay Lohan crashes her car through the window into the tree.


You know what is a good holiday tip? They say if you put Vodka in where you water the tree it will stay fresher longer; Vodka will keep your tree fresh. It will, however, make it harder to get rid of Ted Kennedy at your Christmas party, but Vodka will keep the tree fresh.



Enough with this movie
The first gay Western “Brokeback Mountain” received 7 Golden Globe nominations. Not to give something away, this movie brings new meaning to the term saddle sore.


A British Airways flight from England had to be diverted after the first Sex-Air-rage incident. A couple from England was having sex in the bathroom and then got in a fight with the pilot; it’s fine now, Prince Charles and Camilla apologized.

Oh, Jeeze
The first gay Western “Brokeback Mountain” received 7 Golden Globe nominations. Is this really the first gay cowboy Western? How about the Kevin Costner movie “Wyatt Earp”? No straight guy has the name Wyatt.



The first gay Western “Brokeback Mountain” received 7 Golden Globe nominations. It’s doing so well they are going to make a sequel to “Brokeback Mountain.”“Broke Backless Chaps Mountain.”


What the. . .?
In Florida, yet another teacher, 24-year-old Janelle Bird, has been charged with having sex with a 15-year-old male student. What is going on? When I was in high school the only thing the teachers let me bang were the erasers.

Go Figure
The Los Angeles Dodgers traded Milton Bradley to the Oakland A’s. Ironically, the Dodgers finally felt that, as a player, Milton Bradley just wasn’t game enough.

Do the math
In Florida, yet another attractive young 24-year-old female teacher has been charged with having sex with a 15-year-old male student. It started innocently, she was helping him with math, but things got out of hand when she started thinking about how many time 15 went in to 24.


Now, Bill
Porn Star Jenna Jamison said she would like to see Charlize Theron play her in a movie about her life; Bill Clinton said he would also like Charlize to play him, not in a movie, just play him.


Porn Star Jenna Jamison said she would like to see Charlize Theron play her in a movie about her life; I think the title is “Not Broke But on My Back with Mountains.”


Go figure
A new study reveals dogs can laugh. The same study revealed that apparently dogs don’t understand the concept of neutering.


A new study reveals dogs can laugh. Yeah, dogs can laugh, except when they’re watching NBC’s “Joey.”

That too
In an interview with NBC’s Brian Williams, President Bush said; “You can call me anything but a racist.” Bush then added, “That and you can’t call me ambidextrous ‘cause I don’t know what it means.”



And Hollywood wonders why we think they are weird
According to TV Guide, Jennifer Anniston had a bonfire on the beach and burned her wedding dress. In a related story, burning wedding dresses is how Jennifer Lopez heats her house.



According to TV Guide, Jennifer Anniston had a bonfire on the beach and burned her wedding dress. That’s a smart idea because what charity really needs that $5 million they would have gotten for it on eBay?


Sentence
In Florida, yet another attractive young 24-year-old teacher, Janelle Bird, has been charged with having sex with a 15-year-old male student. She faces a prison sentence and the boy faces a lifetime sentence of knowing he blew a great thing.


Go figure
The Los Angeles Dodgers traded Milton Bradley to the Oakland A’s. Ironically, the Dodgers finally felt that, as a player, Milton Bradley just wasn’t game.

Oh yeah we gonna sta

Since you asked:

As the regular readers of a.L.B.B. – all six of you – know only too well I am a bold guy given to bold statements. As I think it is high time to ramp things up a notch in here, I am going to say something quite controversial. It is not my intention to offend, but if I lose some readers with what I am about to say, well, unfortunately, so be it.


I grilled the best steak of my life last night.


(Again with the best steak ever? You say that all the time, you idiot)


Not so fast, inner tirade, I am not finished. I grilled the best steak of my life last night and it was a . . . top sirloin.


(OK, that’s it. You’ve lost it. I’m calling a shrink. I thought you lost it during that “I liked grilled red peppers” phase, but now you have gone too far)


Whoa, whoa, inner tirade, give me a chance to explain. (Almost lost your own alter ego here, but OK, go on)


All meats have flavor, some have more flavor, via marbling in a rib eye or a softer texture ala filet mignon. Cheaper cuts are cheaper because they are leaner and or tougher, i.e. flank steak. This is why one marinates the flank steak: to provide some flavor but to make it juicer and more tender.


Well, I was at the store about to buy a flank steak when I saw top sirloin was on sale and looked good. What the hell, I will try my Emeril’s flank steak marinade:


http://www.emerils.com/recipes/by_name/grilled_marinated_flank_steaks.html



on the top sirloin. Oh . . . my . . . god. Grilled it a perfect medium rare and added garlic powder pepper and light salt pepper for a rub. (It has salt from the soy sauce) Tender, juicy, flavorful, and beautiful color. Add soy sauce cooked green beans with toasted sesame seeds and a Yukon baked potato all lathered in that mind-melting sauce and Bob is your freakin’ out-of-his-damn-mind Uncle.


If I offended anyone with this, again I am sorry.


Comedy Writing Comment:
On a more serious note, speaking of offending, I like to think that I can always learn. Well, I think I learned a little lesson about compassion when it comes to writing jokes.


As a comedy writer, I do think people are too sensitive and too politically correct and generally need to lighten up. They are just jokes, right? With that in mind I wrote a joke about the Southwest airlines flight that crashed into the Chicago streets saying Southwest is calling it their new door to door service. Not great but not bad.


Then I read in the Chicago Daily Herald online that, at the funeral service for the little six-year-old-boy killed by that Southwest plane, his brother put a quarter in his coffin so that he could buy a gumball in heaven.


That joke is so taken off of this stupid blog.



_

Oh yeah we gonna sta

Here is a little feature we at a.LBB like to call:


Generally awesome but can suck:


Triscuits, especially when that piece of wheat gets stuck in your throat


The Chicago Cubs, and I’m feeling generous


Microsoft Word. Yes, it is great and I couldn’t live without spell check, but hit one wrong key and you are suddenly typing in Farsi with no way to get out.


Working out. The suck part is going to do it.


Sushi. Five minutes is the difference between fresh and not fresh


Paul McCartney. Three words: “Silly Love Songs”


“Saturday Night Live” They should thank god for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, especially that load Horatio Sanz


The San Diego Chargers


TiVo suggestions. Don’t make me bring up that whole Gay/Lesbian phase it tried to put me through.


iPod. This is overwhelmingly awesome, but when you are on a run and it craps out or the volume jacks up, it can make you insane.


Speaking of insane, in the world of mundane events, is there anything worse than losing your wallet?

The transition from anxious to insane is fast and furious and it is marked by the moment you start looking for your wallet in places you are absolutely certain it cannot be, like in the oven or the refrigerator. Your car keys, yes, they might be in there, but not your wallet.


Then comes the frantic thought, is it just misplaced or – and you really don’t even want to think about this – did I leave it someplace out in, shudder, the real world? Suddenly your wallet is like a lost puppy terrified and desperately scampering across a rainy battlefield filled with charging galloping Cossacks. You picture all kinds of vile people sticking their greasy hands all over your nice clean leather and stealing your identity.


Soon you enter paranoia. I bet that store clerk I last saw stole it. I knew she was no good. What about that nice old woman who bumped into me? Was she a pick pocket? What if the person who steals my identity is a convicted murderer? What if they ruin my credit and I can’t buy any Christmas presents for my family. We’ll see how long their love holds out. Probably until New Years.


This is when being married comes in handy. Now you can start getting angry and blaming your spouse. Damn, I know Virg, she was in the middle of a blind cleaning frenzy and probably shoved it into some obscure drawer where I won’t find until spring. This thought is actually more comforting because it takes you away from your wallet-as-a-lost-puppy-on-a-battlefield phase. But still the anger swells as you secretly suspect your wife of trying to Gaslight you into insanity by misplacing your wallet intentionally.


At this point everybody is a suspect. You tell your angelic child if she was playing with your wallet you promise you won’t get mad. When she says no you don’t believe her. You give the dogs an evil look to see if they look guilty. Wrigley always looks guilty.


Now you are entering the realm of insanity that is marked by looking for the wallet in the same place that it is not now, nor is it ever going to be, over and over again. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the exact same thing but expecting a different result?


And finally, you go to the pair of pants you were positive it had to be in for the fourth time, look through the same pockets knowing full well it isn’t there and then it happens: What’s that brown square thing on the carpet partially lodged behind the chair. Oh, sweet relief. Halle freakin’ lujah


You take a mental note to write a note of apology to your sweet wife, the beloved dogs, your lovely daughter, the nice clerk at the store and the sweet lady who bumped into you, but you decide to blow those letters off because now you’re late.

So, where are my keys?


(Sorry, didn't go to get all Erma Bombeck on you narrow behinds)

Oh yeah we gonna sta

And these really just:


McDonald has a credit card called the Arch card. Guys, if you can’t get lucky after you flash a hot girl an Arch card, give it up.



Papa John’s now has a breakfast pizza with eggs, cheese and bacon; and what better way to start your day than with a massive coronary embolism?



It is so cold in New York City the cab drivers were pouring roasted chestnuts into their turbans.

Oh yeah we gonna sta

This just in:


I got my Christmas tree but I think I got ripped off. I wanted to go first class so I paid extra and got a Donald Trump tree; turns out the top is bald, they just combed-over needles from the side.

We gonna have a crack down and a smack down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Con Artest
After serving a one year suspension for a brawl with fans at a game, Indiana Pacer Ron Artest has demanded that he be traded; Artest would prefer to play in a warmer climate where the fans are more relaxed and much easier to beat up.


No habla hoochie coochie
In Kansas, a boy was kicked out of high school for speaking Spanish; the teacher was upset, she couldn’t understand a word that he said when they had sex.


Ah ha
A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. Well, of course, between the Giants and the Forty Niners, this finally explains why, in San Francisco, the men just don’t seem interested in having sex with the women.

Wow, in New York the sports teams in Greenwich Village must be really bad.

A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. In a related story, three groupies for the NBA’s 3-16 Atlanta Hawks were hospitalized with acute boredom.


A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. This explains all the Viagra ads during Los Angeles Dodgers games.


Almost as exciting
On a Frontier flight from Denver to San Antonio, two drunk Playboy Playmates got in a fight with passengers and one tried to have sex with the arresting officer. In a related exciting flight story, I once got an extra bag of pretzels.


Take out the papers and the trash, or you don’t get no spending cash . . .
According to the tabloids, after kicking him out, Britney Spears has taken back Kevin Federline; Britney missed him, with Kevin gone she didn’t have anyone to take out the white trash.

Sure sign
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboy lovers. You could tell the two cowboys were gay, they named their horses Clay and Aiken.


Oh, so close
In controversial news, Stanley “Tookie” Williams was executed in California despite supporters asking that Tookie receive a pardon citing the anti-violence books he authored while on death row. In a related story, Scott Petterson has now halted work on his book on marriage counseling.


Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to call and give him a pardon, but the line was tied up with that Verizon “Can you hear me now? Good.” Guy.


In controversial news, Stanley “Tookie” Williams was executed in California; Gov Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to call with a pardon but nobody could understand Arnold when he tried to pronounce; “Eradicate Tookie’s execution.”


Since you asked:

Yesterday my seven-going-on-18 daughter, Ann Caroline, was going to notify Child Protective Services and report abuse if I did not get our Christmas tree. This is a child who loves to put on her Santa hat and just sit in the dark living room and stare at the decorated and lit tree. If it was up to A.C. we would wear costumes and trick or treat at least once every week and we would bave a Christmas tree all year round.

So, fine, I picked her up right after school and we headed to the local nursery. On the way we passed the high school as it was letting out. As one of the real treats of being a parent is F’ing with your kids, I reminded Ann Caroline about a bald lie I’ve been telling her that, in high school, kids go to school for 24 hours a day. They let them out to eat dinner with their families, but they have to go right back to their classes that run all night. She thought about that for a second and said;

“That must be why they say teenagers sleep all the time. I just thought they were lazy.”





P.S. Got the almost perfect tree. Seven foot, perfectly symmetrical scotch pine. We left A.C.’s school at ten to three and were back with the tree by 3:15. Beautiful.

Oh yeah we gonna sta

Oh yeah, we gonna stack it up and jack it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Here we go
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboy lovers. However, many fans of the Lone Ranger and Tonto would beg to differ.


The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboy lovers. This is the latest in a series of films to portray two gay male lovers including the Prince Charles and Camilla wedding video.


Janice Hough’s
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” claims to be the first Western to portray gay male lovers. Really? What about “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight”?


The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay male lovers. What was the first action hero movie to portray two gay lovers? “Batman and Robin.”


How do they do it?
A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. In fact, it’s a miracle they’re still producing more Chicago Cubs fans.


That soon?A study reveals that men’s sex drive goes down when their team loses. As a result, Los Angeles Dodger fans could be extinct by 2015.


Not good
The San Diego Chargers had a fifth close loss this season, this time to the Miami Dolphins, in a 23-21 upset. The Chargers are the best 8-5 team in the NFL which is like being the congressman who takes the fewest bribes.


Oops
The NBA has instituted a $10,000 dollar fine for any player whose shorts go below their knee caps; at which point Shaquille O’Neal told the NBA; “Psst, I got kind of a reason why my shorts have to go beyond my knee caps.”


Not this again
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboys. If this works they’ll make a sequel” “Butch Cassidy and the Showtune Dance Kid.”



The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboy lovers. And if it does well, they’ll make a gay cowboy sequel: “Shootout at the Bend-over Corral.”


Do we need this?
An article in “Newsweek” on Heidi Fleiss’s brothel for women customers quotes a lobbyist for the Nevada Brothel Association. Do we really need some clown lobbying whore houses to congressmen? That’s like lobbying rich old guys to Anna Nicole Smith.



Not again
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” is making history as the first Western to portray two gay cowboy lovers. It’s pretty obvious that both of the lead characters are gay: they named their horses Barbra and Streisand.



Poor guy
It’s reported that Britney Spears is so angry at Kevin Federline that she took back his $200,000 Ferrari. Oh great, now how is Kevin going to get to that job he doesn’t have?


According to the tabloids, after kicking him out, Britney Spears has taken back Kevin Federline; apparently Britney felt that, without Kevin, the trailer just wasn’t trashy enough.


According to the tabloids, after kicking him out, Britney Spears has taken back Kevin Federline; apparently Britney was worried that Kevin was going to cheat on her and sleep with another couch.

Since you asked:

Now that my daughter plays soccer, we all sat around last night and watched the HBO documentary “Dare to Dream” about the women’s soccer team that won the World Cup in 1999. Forgot how great they were. These women proved that pretty girls can kick ass and look great while doing it. This may sound sexist, it may sound crude, it may sound un-politically correct, but the bottom line is that team had a lot of balls. And it helped that they were pretty. And not Hollywood pretty, like Angelina Jolie, real life pretty, like Jennifer Anniston.


Too bad that craze didn’t carry into women’s pro soccer. It just goes to show that, when it comes to fan mania, it isn’t the sport, it’s the personality of the players. When the dynamic Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain and Julie Foudy quit so did a lot of the fan’s interest. The NBA was in serious trouble long before Ron Artest was beating up drunk scrawny fans. The NBA was saved by Magic and Bird, not by any marketing department. And later by Michael. LeBron might be their savior, but the NBA is going to need one for sure.


For that great women’s soccer team, people weren’t crazy about the amazingly good quality of play – most didn’t know anything about soccer and thought how those girls played looked normal – people were crazy about Mia Hamm and Brandi “Miss Holly Wood” Chastain and Julie “Loudy” Foudy and Joy Fawcett and Kristine Lilly. These girls were nice, and funny and had a lot of fun and love and skill. As Brandi once put it so well, “We are team that likes to kick ass during a game and then put on skirts and dance all night.” I don’t say you go girl anymore, but if I did I would say it now.


And as if we needed any more proof the press is full of crap, how about that much-ado about a sports bra? So what when Brandi ripped off her jersey? Guys do it after every goal. I see women clad only in sports bras all the time at the gym and out jogging. Why did that become a controversy? Because it sold advertising.

Rest in peace, Richard Pryor. He sure didn't when he was alive
As I grew up a strictly Bill Cosby and then George Carlin man, I was late to the Richard Pryor bandwagon. But the world has never seen anything to rival his “Live on the Sunset Strip.” Simply the funniest stand up performance ever. Period. Don’t even question it. Ah. No, don’t say Robin anyone, do not say Steve somebody, that is it.