Friday, August 20, 2010

We slammin' and jammin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

from “Jersey Shore” has had “being annoying in public” added to her arrest charges. If this charge’s punishment is relatively weighted, she could face the death penalty.

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.

In addition, this will be the first book in history that will be able to retain vinegar and water.

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; but before he can begin, Spencer has to figure out where the apostrophe goes on the word Ho.

Remember Lisa Nowak, who put the nut in astronaut when, in 2006, she drove all night in diapers from Houston to Florida to attack her love rival? A Navy panel just now recommended a demotion. What the hell do you have to do to get fired from the Navy? It’s like jetBlue.

Lada Gaga has surpassed Britney Spears in twitter followers. And that concludes this week’s sentence that my Aunt Gertie will never understand.

Chicago still hasn’t been featured in a “Real Housewives” segment. But trust me, there are housewives in the suburbs of Chicago who could skin all the other real housewives alive without once breaking their icy smile.

Since you asked:
For folks in and around my generation who have had trouble with relationships, if you are looking to blame someone other than yourself or your parents, you have come to the right place.

Blame it in our love songs.

When I was first falling in love with women, there were hardly any great love songs that set a good example for a committed relationship. Two of my favorites were EC’s “Layla” and “Bellbottom Blues” both about tortured unrequited relationships with a woman who didn’t seem to like let alone love the guy. Sadly, these two would be the most accurate in depicting my high school romances.

“Operator” by Jim Croce is great but pathetically sad. You can practically hear the bums waiting in line in back of this guy while he is on a pay phone. (Parents, take a second to explain to your kids what a pay phone was) The girl left him for his best friend, Ray. What kind of woman dumps a guy for some dork named Ray?

“Helplessly Hoping” by Crosby, Stills and Nash is a cautionary tale about a dysfunctional relationship where the woman toyed with a guy she refers to as no less than a clown, or harlequin. “Heart of Gold” searching is the key word, as in has not found it yet.

OK, “Our House” was sappy, but it was about a fairly good relationship. Until about a week after it came out and we found out Joni Mitchell dumped Graham for the C and the S and Y sans the N. And just about everyone else who ever recorded a song in Los Angeles.

Another heart-breaker was “If You Could Read My Mind” by Gordon Lightfoot in which he is simply trying to dump the girl nicely. “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones is about the devotion a man has for a woman who is bent on self-destruction so he decides to go with her and seal his destruction.

Bruce's "Born to Run" isn't so much a love song as it is a throw-your-ess-in-the-car-and-we'll-get-the-eff-out-here song.

“Maggie Mae” was Faces and Rod Stewart’s ode to a MILF. Also at the time the same was true about “Mrs Robinson.” It would not be the last as it was joined by “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Elton’s “Tiny Dancer” is about a groupie in a band. How is that going to work? Sure, she is labeled the seamstress for the band, but come on, that’s just what she told the IRS.

“Best of My Love” Is a "We're breaking up, but its not you, it's me, but it is really you."

“Stairway to Heaven” Does anyone know what this song is about? I don’t think it is a love song. Near as I can tell it starts out about a woman with a severe shopping addiction and an attitude. But then he gets too stoned while writing the song but keeps writing lyrics anyway and it really gets weird. Bustle in your hedgerow?

No, not a lot of songs about Date Night.

“Baby, you pick the movie tonight,
I’ll pay the baby sitter right,
Let’s try not to get in a fight
I'll take a Viagra 'til we get it right”

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The big question following Lindsay Lohan's rehab? When she falls off the wagon, will she land on top of a man or a woman ?

On HBO’s “Hard Knocks” New York Jet Antonio Cromartie had a rather difficult time trying to remember the names of all eight of his children. Tune in next week for the hilarious episode when Cromartie tries to remember the names of all the mothers of those children.

Step off wit’ yo’ good foot and give a hollah to a playa on the street, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A law that made it illegal to lie about military awards has been overturned. Hello? Feel free to thank me for liberating Kuwait any time now . . .

Denny’s has a new sandwich called the Fried Cheese Melt that is a grilled cheese sandwich with deep fried mozzarella sticks inside of it. They got the recipe from radical democrats who were trying to come up with a way to get rid of Dick Cheney.

Denny’s has a new sandwich called the Fried Cheese Melt that is a grilled cheese sandwich with deep fried mozzarella sticks inside of it. “Can you get that with bacon?” said a guy trying to kill himself.

Lindsay Lohan has sold the rights to her first post-jail interview to “OK! Magazine” for $ 1 million. Not sure how well Lindsay’s rehab is going though, Lindsay is demanding the interview payment be made in rolled-up $100 bills.

A bull jumped into the stands at a Spanish bullfighting ring and injured 40 people. So the final score was Karma + bull, 40, bloodthirsty bullfighting fans, zero.

Love my new Brett Favre video football game, but to be blunt, I am getting tired of having to coax it out of the plastic case every time I want to play it.

The big question following Lindsay Lohan’s rehab? When she falls off the wagon, will she land on top of a man or a woman?

Did you hear that, a while ago, former couple Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian got in a huge fight at a wedding reception? It all started over a disagreement over who USC fans thought was the biggest ass in the world.

Since you asked:

One of the true rights of guydom is to be able to play a sport with your buddies while providing the running commentary by imitating announcers as you play.

“Kaseberg takes the lateral, he jukes inside, skirts around the defense end, Ray Delphenis, and he is gone. That Kaseberg boy is known for his outside speed.”

Any Skokie/Washburn alums who read this blog will smile at this memory of Al Marsh:

“He is known for his massive thiiiiiiighs.”

Eventually this would get short-handed, any shot made, goal scored, home run hit, basket sunk or touchdown ran in simply would get:


I am KNOWN for my Lindsay Lohan jokes . . .


Here's my question:

If you go away to feed horses, is that a haycation?

If you go away to just have sex, is that a laycation?

If you travel just to drink vegetarian protein, is that a wheycation?

If you want to watch ships in a harbor, is that a baycation?

If same sex marriages sneak away is that a gaycation?

If you just want to get in your car to get away from these awful jokes, is that a shut-the-hell-up-Lexcation?

If you go away just to eat food off of a plastic rectangle, is that a trey . . . OK, that is enough!

(Holy crap, Robert Duvall playing Gus in "Lonesome Dove" just shot at me)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The law that makes lying about military honors has been revoked. Hello? You can thank me for liberating Kuwait any time now . . .

I'm sorry, do you have a question?

We jammin’ and I hope you like a jammin’ too, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Chicago federal jury was deadlocked on 23 counts against Rod Blogojevich and only ruled guilty on one count. As a result the jury was named: stupidest jury since the OJ Simpson trial.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan – who performed countless procedures on Heidi Montag – died while crashing his car while texting. The official score for this incident: Karma 10, A-hole 0.

There is a growing controversy over whether a Muslim Mosque should be allowed to be built near ground zero in Manhattan. There was an awkward moment when former President Bush weighed in with his opinion. He feels Mosques should only be worn on Halloween.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 mil by her hair extension company, Hairtech, because Paris wore another company’s hair extensions. How stupid do you have to be to screw up hair extensions? Snooki couldn’t screw up hair extensions and she is dumber than a sack of brajole.

Brett Favre is rumored to be close to coming back to the Minnesota Vikings. Why do I get the feeling Favre has never heard the fable about the boy who cried wolf?

Have you heard about the new Brett Favre video football game on Xbox? It’s fun to play, but the DVD keeps popping out of the console.

“Jackass 3-D” is opening in October. “Jackass 3-D” is a lot like “Eat Pray Love” if “Eat Pray Love” had a lot more dumb guys getting whacked in the testicles.

A law that made it illegal to lie about military awards has been overturned. In a related story, you can now call me Major Lex.

Since you asked:

Happy Birthday to my mom, Ann Rodgers Kaseberg, a total class act who would have been 82 today. Miss you, Mom.

One of the many things I have always admired about the Rolling Stones is how they have managed to capture that vibe of the really cool kids in spring of senior year of high school, the ones who already had early acceptance to their top college of choice, and were partying it up wearing wild Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and funky hats while the rest of us schlubs were studying for finals.

In fact, in my mind, those cool kids were the epitome of everything I was not: fun-loving, excited, optimistic, hip, content and most of all, happy.

While many of the cool kids would go on to become divorced alcoholics ruining their health to hyper- tension from the stress of trying to live up to –and failing - their demanding, impossible-to-please rich parents, the Stones turned that senior-year-spring-vibe into their career.

The Stones would announce their next tour with a wild press conference/party at some ultra cool location: a yacht on the Hudson, a Parisian art gallery, under the Brooklyn bridge, at a mansion in the Hamptons, always with funky clothes, hats and jewelry with a laugh on their face, a cigarette in their mouth and a red plastic party cup in hand filled with god-only-knows-what at 9:00 am. All the while looking like they are snickering hysterically at some inside joke played on all of the rest of us.

Bless their hearts.

Come to think of it, here is a damn good quality-of-life barometer:

Is your life now closer to, or further away from the partying cool kids of spring of senior year?

(Not to get all Carrie Bradshaw "SATC" on your ass . . .)

Me? Not to jinx things, knock-on-wood, but I have to say a lot closer to. Not just because of the surfing, snowboarding, bbq’s, band playing, comedy writing, great friends and a great, great family, but also because, at that time, I was hosed; no decent college prospects, my left hamstring was effed-upped but bad and three girlfriends had cruelly dumped me over the year, so I was starting out freaking far away from the ultimate cool kids my senior year and feeling pretty damn sorry for my sorry ass at that.

So, although I do feel a tad smug knowing I have moved closer to those spring senior year cool kids than I was then, the fact is they had that moment at that time and I did not.

Luckily for me, I do know you cannot take great moments away.

Speaking of the karma train. "US New & World Report" came out with the list of top colleges and my beloved UCSB made 39th out of a list of the top 200. The ex-girlfriend who was snottiest/meanest about rubbing in getting into a good school after high school, which I did not, her college? Not even ranked.

Eff her ess right in the bee. Woot, woot.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"Eat, Pray, Love" is #2 at the box office. Look for the movie about my high school dates: "Dine, Beg, Masturbate."
Look out everybody 'cause it's Harvey the surfin' dawwwwwwwwwg

These just in:

He was not hurt, but Mel Gibson crashed his Lamborghini into a Malibu hillside. It all started when Mel got into an obscenity-laced tirade with his navigation lady.

Authorities say they do not believe alcohol was involved, if you don’t count the alcohol that was involved.

After 34 years, Cathy Guisewite, the creator of the comic strip “Cathy”, is quitting in October. She decided it was time to stop when shopping for Cathy’s swimsuits went from funny, to sad to horrific.

The last strip will be bitter sweet when Cathy goes shopping for orthopedic shoes.

She decided it was time to stop when Cathy yelled “Ack!” and her back went out.

There is a new drug that prevents premature ejaculation. Warning: if taken with Viagra it could result in severe popularity with women.

I believe it is called: Holdyourwad.

A 23 year-old San Francisco running back, Glen Coffee, quit his promising NFL career to pursue the ministry. Or he may join the Detroit Lions because, as of now, the Lions don’t have a prayer.

Andrew Lloyd Weber’s songs will be available on a karaoke game on Xbox 360. This will be for all of those guys who love to sing show tunes on karaoke and play Xbox. What? Excuse me? This just in: there is no such thing as a guy who likes to sing karaoke show tunes and play Xbox.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Nice right, dudermiester

We tighter than a writer in an all-nighter , Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Eat, Pray, Love” with Julia Roberts opens this weekend.” Don’t worry, guys, they’re coming out with a male version of “Eat, Pray, Love” it’s called “Chomp, Beg, Hump.”

Dustin Johnson missed a shot at winning the PGA because of a two-shot penalty for grounding his club in a questionable bunker on the last hole. Now, I don’t want to imply PGA officials are stodgy and pedantic, but the PGA makes the IRS look like a biker gang.

Dustin Johnson missed a shot at winning the PGA because of a two-shot penalty for grounding his club in a questionable bunker on the last hole. That’s the most severe penalty for sticking your club where it didn’t belong since, well, Tiger’s divorce settlement.

Tiger Woods is playing better at the PGA Championship. And after his round he was even able to get the phone number of his Hooter cocktail waitress, so he’s on a comeback.

The FDA has approved a new drug to stop premature ejaculation. “That is so great,” said one sufferer, “I can’t wait to, uh, uh, ooohhhhh . . . excuse me.”

The stock market was down big yesterday. The market was down so much, at one point a broker at the New York Stock Exchange swore over the intercom, grabbed two beers and slid out the emergency slide.

First the jetBlue flight attendant slid out the emergency slide after fighting with a unruly passenger. Today, President Barack Obama invited both the jetBlue flight attendant and the unruly passenger to the White House for a beer.

“Eat, Pray, Love” with Julia Roberts opens this weekend.” Don’t worry, guys, they’re coming out with a male version of “Eat, Pray, Love” it’s called; “Swig, Fart, Giggle.”

The jury in the Rod Blogojevich corruption trial continues to be dead locked. Insiders say some of the jurors appear to be dazzled and intimidated by Blogo’s hair. “It’s one thing to see that hair in the news” said an anonymous trial witness, “But when you see that tidal wave of brown curly locks right in front of you, why it’s, it’s mesmerizing.”

Since you asked:
Got my new Weber grill for my birfyday yesterdiddy. (That’s right, I turned forty-twelve) It is a handsome brick-red bowl with wheels, two trey tables attached and a fancy charcoal ash disposal pot. It also has a thermometer. It takes longer to light and grill than my gas grill, but the nice subtle smoke flavor from mesquite wood makes steaks taste steakier, chicken more chickeny, and it somehow makes fish taste fresher.

Tonicht? Ribs, y’all. Baby backers brine- marinated in apple juice and sea salt, then rubbed with Old Bay, garlic powder, cumin, pepper and salt, steam/baked with beer in the oven for four hours then finished on the grill with mesquite and some hickory chips. At the end, slathered with my peach marmalade and onion barbeque sauce. Salad and beans. Then Padres and the Cubs.

Woooooot! What? Wooooot.

Lex’s take on aging:

A few things. First, I never cooked and grilled well or played harmonica in a band until I was in my forties. I never surfed on just a surf board until I was 50 and now I am surfing pretty damn well, if I do say so my own bad self. Yesterday, I threw a football around as well as I could over ten years ago. And I have most/all of my hair and none of it is grey . . . yet.

The bad news? When I was in high school it took a 200-pound linebacker with a really bad attitude to bring me down. Today, I tripped on a pillow in my daughter’s bedroom and very nearly did a face plant.

The other day I saw a guy walking and I thought, oh, that poor guy was burned in a fire. Upon closer examination I saw, no, he was just old. How crappy is getting old when it can make a person look like he was in a horrible fire?