Friday, January 25, 2008

Drop it like it’s a thing you want to drop due to it’s excessively high temperature but are not worried about it breaking, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Pretty politician politely passed profess political pundits
Political pundits say Mitt Romney may be too good looking for voters to take seriously; I don't think so, if you ask me, I think Romney just looks like the Dad in the red sweater throwing the football in the L.L. Bean catalog.

The Brady Bill
Tabloid photographers claim New England QB, Tom Brady, spent 24 hours in a Manhattan apartment with super model Giselle Bundchen. As a result, Brady may miss the Super Bowl due to a hyper-extended Bundchen.

“I’m the King of the . . . oh, crap, there’s Tom Brady”
So get this. Tom Brady takes Giselle Bundchen out to a club in New York, sitting right near them was her ex-boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio, but DiCaprio did not speak to Giselle. Well, duh. DiCaprio isn’t stupid. Brady is 6ft four, 225 lbs. He could snap Leonardo like a bread stick.

To give you an inkling as to how terrified Leonardo DiCaprio was of Tom Brady? Let’s just say the Titanic wasn’t the only thing that sprung a leak.

More QB romance
Jessica Simpson has been dumped by Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. It was a little embarrassing when they asked Jessica if there was a chance of reconciliation, Jessica said; “Sorry, no speakie lay French.”

Apparently Jessica would fly into a jealous rage every time Tony gently placed his hands under the center’s butt.

Loosely translated
Rock star Lenny Kravitz said he has not had sex in three years. It is interesting, because Kravitz is actually and old German word that means; “What the hell is the matter with you?”

Have you seen the new hit show “Moment of Truth”? It is wild, husbands are put on a lie detector and asked probing questions in front of their wives. Or as Bill Clinton calls it: his worst nightmare.

Cheers, Britney
Trying to appear classier - which shouldn't be hard - Britney Spears has affected a really cheesy English accent. Not only that, but she’s renamed her trailer home Truckingham Palace.

Ew la la
Did you hear about the rogue financial trader in France? He blew over $7 billion dollars in bad trades for his bank Societe Generale. The guy flat out blew $7 billion dollars. Even M.C. Hammer said “Damn.”

Imagine how much he would have lost if the French worked during the summer?

Lucky for him, he has already spent his Christmas bonus.

Man, when I worked at McDonalds I dropped a Filet-O-Fish and they took it out of my pay.

It turns out the guy had a history of being rude, lazy and careless. In other words: French.

When French President Nicolas Sarkozy heard about this he was so shocked he fell off of Carla Bruni.

Since you asked:
The New York Giants are starting to remind me of the old New York Jets in 1969. Nobody, and I mean nobody gave them a chance. People lined up like spectators at the Coliseum in Rome to watch the inevitable slaughter of the cocky upstart Jets, especially that punk, Joe Namath. The Baltimore Colts took the Jets for granted and, feeling like they had absolutely nothing to lose, the Jets played much more relaxed and won pretty big.

Afterwards the Jets were amazed at the cockiness of, not only the Colts, but the entire NFL – at the time the Jets were in the old AFL – and the press who covered the game. Time after time Jets players wondered why the hell everyone thought they would get destroyed? These players played college football with the same players that were in the NFL, it’s not like they played a different sport as if a bunch of soccer players were trying to field a football team. They were just as big and fast.

Same with the Giants. No doubt, take the Giants and get the points early before they drop.

Lex’s Illness Update:
Warning, I am, and have always been, an impenitent – how about that word, huh? – body symptom describer. Any bruise, cut, infection, cold, unusual digestive turn, flu I get I will describe at nauseating length and detail to anyone who will listen, which is, generally speaking, nobody in their right mind.

But this cold, as they have all been doing lately, just invaded and took over my lungs like a horde of Vikings on an English village. Now I know how Keith Richards feels all the time and it isn’t fun. I was supposed to play harp tonight with my band, the Railheads, but there is no chance in hell I could have made it through one song without sounding like Jacob Marley rasping out his last words of warning for Scrooge to repent.

(That movie, actually, is where I got the word impenitent. "It's not that I'm impenitent, it's just that I am too old")

Thursday, January 24, 2008

We gonna grill, swill take a pill and thrill, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mark her words
Jessica Simpson has been dumped by Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. It was a little embarrassing when they asked Jessica if she wanted retribution, Jessica said “No, but I will get even.”

It was a little embarrassing when they asked Jessica if she wanted retribution, Jessica said; “No thanks, I’m not Catholic.”

Oh, I hope not
Osama bin Laden’s son, Omar, hitting the talk show circuit? Let’s hope he hasn’t written a tacky celebrity-parent tell-all autobiography titled; “Mullah Dearest.”

It ain’t easy
In an interview, Tony Romo said being an NFL star is not as glamorous as it appears. For example, at luxurious Mexican resorts when you order Champagne for Jessica Simpson from room service, sometimes you have to pop the cork all by yourself.

Feel our pain
Dennis Kucinich is dropping out of the presidential race. In a related story, thousands of comedy writers cried out as if in one voice: “Noooooooooooooooo.”

Haven’t we comedy writers been through enough with the strike?

He came up a little short. And he didn’t have enough votes. Thank you.

Quite the visual
In health news, have you seen those disgusting Mucinex ads? They actually have little cartoon character mucus. Or is it MucI? It could be worse, they could have come up with a drug for constipation.

Since you asked:

Big grilling night, Slats and Nugs. Doing a three spot heating center on the Weber with a tin drip pan filled with beer and charcoal on both sides. Then placing a brine marinated chicken with the beer can inserted in the cavity over the drip pan and tossing on hickory chips. Chicken is also rubbed in garlic, smoked paprika, cumin and pepper and salt.

Will let you know how it goes. Think a little red wine and Dire Straits music will go nicely.
This just in;

Osama bin Laden’s son, Omar bin Laden, says he is for peace between Muslims and the West; how come you never hear from his brothers, Tito and Germaine bin Laden?
We makin’ the play to save the day by hittin' the trey from way far away, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Jessica Simpson has been dumped by Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. Wow, how hard is Terrell Owens going to cry now?
Me smartly
A British researcher claims that, although men and women have about the same IQ scores, men think they are much smarter than they are. That’s certainly not the case with me, I are exactly as smart as I thinked I was.

Getting up there
Rambo Four is opening up. The first one was “Rambo: First Blood.” I think this one is called “Rambo: Where’d I Put My Blood Thinner?”

What the hell?
Rock star Lenny Kravitz claims he hasn’t had sex with a woman in three years. What is the point of being a damn rock star? It’s like buying a Maserati to drive it to and from the bus station.

Since you asked:
Have you seen the History Channel show called “Kennedy”? My conspiracy theory friends are going to want to burn me as a heretic, but it pretty much convinced me that Oswald acted alone. Almost all the experts concluded the entry wound on Kennedy’s head was in the back.

Granted, it does not rule out that Oswald was recruited by either the Mafia or Fidel Castro but Castro makes a great point as to why he would not have done it: his whole life has been devoted to not motivating the US to invade Cuba.

What it did clearly illustrate was what a shameless liar and charlatan Oliver Stone was with “JFK.” (Believe me, at the time I swallowed it hook, line and sinker)

Under the ruse of claiming creative license, Stone flat out lied about the time Oswald had to shoot and the path of the “Magic” bullet. And it clearly showed the fourth shot heard and recorded on the Police Motorcycle could not have happened near the shooting. And Oswald was more than qualified to make those shots. The Walter Matthau character’s reference to Oswald having Maggy’s Drawers (meaning he was a bad shot) is also a huge lie. He was an excellent marksman. In fact, it was the only thing he was ever good at.

As for Stone’s incessant “back and to the left” yammering about Kennedy’s body motion after the fatal blow to the head, all the experts agree that the last signal your brain sends to your muscles is what impacts where your body goes, not the inertia of the impact of the bullet. People who get shot in the back of the head can lurch backward as easily as they lurch forward.

It did give me an odd sense of comfort and a sense of closure to know it probably was just Oswald. What the psychologists said motivates all the conspiracy theories is we all have a problem believing such an influential man can be randomly killed by such a pathetic loser, so we instinctively have to build up the cause of the murder to balance out the vast injustice.

What kills almost all conspiracy theories is the truth usually lies in the most logical and simplest answer. Oswald was a psycho sharp-shooting attention whore. Ruby was a vengeful, Kennedy–loving nut job whose mob ties were dubious at best. If we learned anything from recent events it is our government, the CIA, the FBI and Congress, is far too inept to have ever successfully pulled of something of this magnitude. And, as we learned from “The Sopranos” the mafia is just as inept as well. Can you see Paulie Walnuts and Christopher pulling off a presidential assassination?

You should check it out.
More *priceless “Berg on Berg Comedy” where Lex the Kaseberg tries in vain to imitate the brilliant, great and late comedy stylings of Mitch Hedberg.

A bird in the hand is worth absolutely nothing. And then you have to wash your hand. You have no idea where that bird has been.

If beauty is only skin deep, how come people look so ugly when they’ve been skinned?

The line on the menu that says “Breakfast served any time” is a bold faced lie. If I could have had the breakfast an hour ago, I would not be hungry.

You know you are lazy when you have a “To Do” list that includes “Put on pants.”

*And I mean priceless. Nobody in their right mind would pay a dime for this crap.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Here is a little bit I am going to call “Berg on Berg Comedy.” Lex Kaseberg tries his hand at Mitch Hedberg-like comedy:

(Delivered in the dead-pan cool-jazz drawl of the late great Mitch)

How come, when you are standing in a long line, you are filled with envy of those people in front of you? But when you get to the front, you don’t give a damn about those people in line in back of you? Lazy, late bastards got what they deserved, if you ask me.

When a car turns in front of me without using their blinker, they are being a-holes. When I turn without using my blinker I am being spontaneous.

When I try to type in the Google search bar but the cursor isn’t in it, where do those words go? I think they float into outer space where right now the words Lipstick Lesbians are colliding with Naughty Housewives.

Is there anything that goes from a C priority to an A priority faster than having to pee?

Snow is over-achieving rain.

When you see someone you think you know but it turns out to be someone else, why am I suddenly so pissed at that person? Just who does that deceiving bastard think he is?

If when, in the ten-items-or-less line, a six pack of beer counts as one item, how come when I drink a six pack it doesn’t count as having had one beer?

A donkey is a learning disabled horse.

Do people who work strenuous manual labor jobs consider sitting at a desk a work out?

A rose by any other name would be called something else.

Why do coffee drinkers think the can always beat up tea drinkers?

How come you never hear anybody say; “Yes, he is a Nazi, but he is a nice Nazi”?

People either look cool in a hat, or they look like a dork in a hat, there is no middle ground on this. If you are not sure if you look cool in your hat, you have just answered your own question.

Why is it, when I am getting ready to leave my house, I am so happy to see my car keys and yet so dismissive of them as soon as I get back home? Go away car keys, you now bother me.

This just in:

Model-singer Carla Bruni announced she and French President Nicolas Sarkozy are not married. Before they can get married, Bruni, who dated Mick Jagger, Kevin Costner, Eric Clapton and Donald Trump among many others, will have to undergo tests for sexually transmitted diseases and that could take weeks to run down all the possible, um, donors.
Stompin’, chompin’ and rompin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How can you tell?
Fred Thompson has bowed out of the Presidential race; yeah, nobody else could notice any difference either.

We kid LT
“American Idol” aired showing contestants in San Diego. There was an awkward moment when the Chargers LaDainian Tomlinson walked in to perform but then sat out due to a hyper-extended tonsil.

Oh Deion, please . . .
Of all people, NFL Network analyst Deion “Powderpuff” Sanders criticized LaDainian Tomlinson’s toughness for not playing in the AFC Championship. That’s like Britney Spears making fun of Sir Paul McCartney’s fake British accent.

To put a finer point on it, there were Gatorade buckets that saw more hits during a game than Deion Sanders.

Not only could Deion have played in a dress, he could have bought that dress from Nordstroms and returned it after the game without any questions asked.

Deion Sanders used to openly brag about games he referred to as no-hitters where he did not make one tackle or one block. Having Deion Sanders question anyone's toughness is like having Lindsay Lohan providing backseat driving instructions.

In a related story to Deion Sanders questioning LaDanian Tomlinson’s toughness, today Dennis Kucinich was highly critical of Shaquille O’Neal’s play in the low post.

As great a player as Deion Sanders was, and he was amazing, offenses had to plan around him, what does anyone think about Deion now except using him as a punch line to jokes about preening, prancing, showboating, trash-talking and dressing like a colorblind gay pimp?

For Deion Sanders to publicly criticize LaDainian Tomlinson’s heart we may have to replace the word hypocrite with Deion-ocrite.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Let’s take this here partizzy to the roadizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dang, y’all, sticky wicket, what?
Britney Spears has suddenly developed a Madonna-like British accent. It’s true, Britney has developed such a British accent that she now drives her trailer home on the left side of the street.

It is pretty funny when Britney says “Cheerio, y’all.”

The best of all commercials
Advertisers are gearing up for the big Super Bowl commercials. My money is on the commercial where the Aflec duck eats the Geico lizard and then flies up and drops a load on Peyton Manning’s head.

Or something like that
Mike Huckabee’s campaign buddy, Chuck Norris, said he feels 72-year-old John McCain is too old to be president. And John McCain said the 67-year-old Chuck Norris is so old he would now have to star in “Using a Walker Texas Ranger.”

It looks like the writer’s strike will cancel all awards shows including ESPN’s Espy Awards. Shoot, I was hoping David Letterman would host the Espys: “Uma? Puma. Puma? Uma.”

We kid the Saint James
The “American Idol” in San Diego should be interesting. The songs that nobody wants to do are going to be outsourced to the illegal immigrants coming north across the border.

Bummer road
Sociologists determined that yesterday was the most depressing day of the year. Or something like that, I was too depressed to finish reading the article.

Not good
This was a bad week in the stock market, especially if you had stock in the company that makes “Duncan Hunter for President” bumper stickers.

Like Dave said, that’s why I ain’t runnin’
Political pundits are saying that Mitt Romney is too good looking to be President. I don’t know about that, if you ask me Romney looks like one of the members of that “Viva Viagra” band.

Political pundits are saying that Mitt Romney is too good looking to be President. I don’t know about that, if you ask me Romney looks like the guy in the Rogaine ad after-picture.

Heck, we’ve had handsome presidents before. President Warren G. Harding was supposedly handsome. President John F. Kennedy had no problems with the ladies. Heck, even Bill Clinton was a good looking guy even if he did resemble an aging lesbian gym teacher.

Recent sports page pictures indicate Tiger Woods may be losing a little of his fur on his head. And don’t think Tiger isn’t sensitive about it. During a practice round, Tiger replaced a divot to his bald spot.

How cold is it?

It has been so cold in New York, the Knicks have been getting burned by other teams just for the warmth.

What’s in a song?
“The Washington Post” reveals candidates pick campaign songs for their title that are actually inappropriate. Barack Obama uses Aretha Franklin’s “Think” which is really a threat to a straying lover. Hillary Clinton uses Tom Petty’s “American Girl” which is about a girl who got dumped by her boyfriend. In fact, the only candidate who uses a song appropriately? Dennis Kucinich. He plays Randy Newman’s “Short People.”

Since you asked:

In my defense, I did predict both teams, San Diego and New York, would cover the spread, which they did. Frickin’ Giants.

For the Super Bowl, I can’t see the Giants stopping New England, yet Super Bowls are famous for their playing-not-to-lose closer scores. Not many teams get crushed like the 1985 Chicago Bears did to New England in 1986, 46-10 and that has been 22 years. Is that possible? Yikes. More recently, in 2001, the Ravens did put a thumping on the Giants, 34-7.

On the one hand you have everyone wanting to score in a Super Bowl, so that can drive a score up, but you also have to counter that with all the substitutions that get put in near the end to allow everyone to have the chance to play in a Super Bowl, which evens things out.

So I am sticking with the P-Riots to win in what looks to be an early rout but taking the Giants with their 13 points as they come back a bit with cheap scores in the fourth quarter when everyone, including New England, is loopy on Gaucamole and Margaritas. And take the over which is a pretty high 53.5.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Slap it, trap it, whap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sorta like that
Congress is going ahead with their investigation into the use of steroids in Major League Baseball; but let’s be candid, congress investigating cheating in baseball is like Madonna investigating Jessica Simpson for bad acting.

Publicity whore
Was I the only one who noticed how, after their 21-12 win over the San Diego Chargers during the AFC Championship, New England Patriots Junior Seau logged more camera time than two-time Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady? As San Diegans know too well, Junior loves publicity like Pacman Jones loves a lap dance.

Tennessee Titan Pacman Jones has been arrested six times since being in the NFL, three of them strip club related. All Pacman had to do was stay out of two things, strip clubs and trouble occurring in strip clubs and he couldn’t. Proving the experts are right: stupid is the new smart.

Not good
Fox’s NFL Sunday show had a goofy hat contest, Howie Long had an Elmer Fudd number, Terry Bradshaw had a bank-robbing sock, Curt Menefee had the Little Red Riding hood scarf, but Jimmy Johnson won. And he didn’t have a goofy hat, just an ear band and his hair.

What chance do we have?
The Academy Awards may be cancelled due to the writer’s strike. What are the chances of a culture surviving when it won’t globally televise the awards given to its famous millionaire actors?

Hear to hate that
The San Diego Chargers lost to the New England Patriots 21-12. Sadly, dyslexic Charger fans are still celebrating the Diego San 21-12 victory.

Since you asked:

Rented “Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End” DVD last night. How about “Kiss my Rear End.”?

This despite the fact that I am an absolute sucker for any movie with a tall ship in it. I was weaned on those awesome Errol Flynn pirate movies. Even when I was too old to be doing so, when we got a sailboat when I was about 12 and 13, I would secretly pretend to be a pirate out on Lake Michigan.

Hell, even now when I got stand up paddle boarding I pretend I am some rogue Viking pirate on a solo reconnaissance mission and my paddle doubles as my sword/axe.

And yet I still thought “At Worlds End.” sucked. This ironically abbreviated “AWE” was to maritime war movies like “Master and Commander” what the Marx Brothers “Duck Soup” was to military movies like “Patton.”.

The first one “The Curse of the Black Pearl” was good. Too much C.G.I. and I couldn’t get past the ghost ship being able to sail with holes in its sails. (Got no problem with cursed ghost people turning into skeletons at night, but you can’t sail a ship if your sails have holes in them)

The second one, “Dead Mans Chest” arrived with much anticipation on my part and it was terrible. But they promised me the third one would be better. It was. A little. I guess.

But how do you make Kiera Knightly not sexy? Beats me, but they did it. Yes, she was beautiful, but not sexy. And there are good dead guys and bad dead guys and dead guys who look like sushi and dead guys who come back from the dead and dead guys who can’t come back from the dead and live guys who get dead and some are bad guys and some are good guys and some go from bad guys to good guys and by the end you just don’t give a crap.

It is way too long.

And Johnny Depp was way too over-the-top with the campy prancing foppish pirate. And here is the biggest question: How is it even possible to have the brilliant idea to bring in Keith Richards as Captain Jack’s dad and not have it be remotely funny or interesting? How?

No, to be blunt, if “At Worlds End” and “Dead Mans Chest” didn’t have pirates and swords and ships and canons in it, they would rank up there as the worst two movies ever.