Friday, May 07, 2004

Those what come half-steppin' what gonna get played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Friends don't let friends watch "Friends."
*The big surprise on the final "Friends"? Ross and Rachel hook up . . . again. In equally shocking news, Bobby Brown was back in court yesterday.

One of the surprises on "Friends" is that Monica and Chandler's surrogate Mom unexpectedly delivered twins. The amazing thing is that, with all the pre-natal care advances, the last time twins were delivered unexpectedly was about, oh, I don't know, how about 1950?

Did you see the final "Friends"? It was amazing, Joey steps out of the shower and it is revealed the entire series was just a dream. Can you believe it?

After ten years, the final "Friends" episode aired last night. Do you remember who did the theme song? The Rembrandts. The Rembrandts were so upset "Friends" is over, they almost missed their gig at Jolly Rogers.

You're an eight, Moises
*Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou disclosed he urinates on his hands to avoid getting blisters. This explains why the Cubs have substituted the traditional high-five with the new high-elbow.

So that's what the high school baseball players did that to the track guys in the shower. They didn't want them to get foot blisters. How thoughtful.

I don't mean to be indiscreet, but if urinating on skin prevented blisters, no guy who showers regularly would ever have had one single blister on his foot. Ever. Period.

As opposed to the New York Mets who urinate on their playoff chances.

Who would have thought?
*Last weekend in Atlanta, troubled-rocker Courtney Love reportedly fell apart during her concert, slurring her words, playing the wrong chords and flashing her breasts until she had to be carried off stage. Apparently Love is not taking the demise of "Friends" very well at all.

*Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld testified before the U.S.Senate Armed Services Committee. Rumsfeld shocked everyone in attendance when he announced that he was, in fact, the father of Chandler and Monica's baby twins.

What are the odds?
*Former singer and full time felon Bobby Brown is back in court for domestic abuse charges. In equally shocking news, "Mens Fitness" magazine featured an article on how to get ripped abs.

This base is brought to you by
*It turns out Major League baseball will not put "Spider Man 2" ads on the bases. They agreed with the fans that it was cheap and sleazy promotion beneath the dignity of our national pastime. This comment brought to you by Nike, Budweiser, Rawlings, Coors, Louisville Slugger and Schlitz.

Perfect fit
*A basketball coach at a middle school in New Jersey was fired for giving a "cry baby" award to a 13-year-old player. He told the crowd at the banquet that all the kid did was beg to go in the game and then whine. The good news is that kid has a great future with the L.A. Lakers.

*I wouldn't want to say that the down 2-0 in a best of seven Los Angeles Lakers are in trouble, but if Gary Payton and Carl Malone want a piece of an NBA trophy, they better apply to be adopted by Michael Jordan.

You really hate to hear that
Bad news, the charges of prisoner abuse in Iraq continue to mount. There is now evidence that U.S. soldiers forced the Iraqi prisoners to listen to "American Idol" reject, William Hung's entire C.D. That's just cruel.
(Assist to Cousin Jack)

Since you asked:
Did you know how the high-five was invented? The signal a batter gives to a base runner to score standing up, instead of sliding, is both palms up in the air. One time, in the mid-70's, one of the scoring runners returned the gesture and they slapped elevated palms, thus inventing the high five. The high five - and high ten - salutation became the much preferred replacement (My good buddy Ray aside) of the previous "way-to-go" 70's sports gesture, the always creepy and latently homosexual butt-slap.

While I am discussing fascinating things
And did you know that the screw-on bottle top was invented in the late 30's by someone in Glencoe, Illinois? A scant half-mile North of from my hometown of beloved and bucolic Winnetka. Why wasn't the screw-on bottle top invented in Winnetka? Nothing against our dainty neighbors to the North, but we in Winnetka know how to nut-up and finish a beverage. Sabes?

Sorry about that dainty thing.

Sorry about that nut-up thing.
Bobby, we wish we harldy knew yee
Former singer and full time felon Bobby Brown is back in court for domestic abuse charges. In equally shocking news, "Mens Fitness" magazine featured an article on how to get ripped abs.

Since you asked:
Derrick Lee just hit a Gwen Steffani (No Doubt) to give the Cubs a three run lead against the D-Backs at Wrigley. Speaking of that, god bless those wonderful Cubs fans. They are, no question, the best. But to you morons behind the plate at Wrigley Field, who wave to the camera while yammering on your cell phone? My word, you look like incredible schmucks:

"Derr, derr, duh, can you see me waving my hand? Herr, derr, duh, yep, yep, yep."

Speaking of Wrigley, we may have done ourselves a horrible disservice by naming yellow lab #2 Wrigley. See, we intended him to be named after the Cubs' field. Wrigley thinks he was named after the gum and, consequently, chews everything in sight. #1 Lab Kasey is doing fine, thank you. Lately, I've taken to calling her Bob Alou Bear (After Moises' mystery brother) in a baby talk voice so disgusting it would make a dead moose wretch.

Peace out. Slats, stay off the pole, Nugs, stay off the pipe. Word.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

It's gettin' all good to me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The true American pastime? Taking things too far
*Major League baseball has agreed to put movie ads on the bases. This could get carried away. Now Trojan condoms wants to advertise on the pitcher's rubber.

And don't call them Bam, neither
*There was an embarrassing moment when President Bush spoke to an Arab network about the Iraqi P.O.W abuse. "First of all," Bush said, "I don't think we should call them Pows anymore. It's too tempting to hit somene called Pow."

So that's how they did it
*The last "Friends" episode aired tonight. In case you didn't see it, I can sum up how they resolved the whole Rachel and Ross delemna in just five words: Joey and Ross came out.

I got jipped
*Pablo Picasso's 1905 painting "Boy With a Pipe" sold for $104.2 million at Sotheby's. I was misled, I wanted to buy "Boy With a Pipe" but I got; "Boy On a Crack Pipe" instead.

Splash 2
*Monica Lewinsky is trying to get 5 to 10 million for the movie rights to her story. She wants Mandy Moore to play her. And Bill Clinton wants to play with Mandy Moore.

Tom Arnold wants in. He said; "I'm a natural to play Linda Tripp."

To live and die in L.A.
*For the second straight day, more sharks have been sighted in Los Angeles. Fires in the hills, sharks in the ocean. It's getting so that the only place that's safe is on the freeway, unless, of course, Billy Joel is in town.

These sharks are brazen. They're offering to take your case with no money down, no retainer. They're shameless.

That should do it
*John Kerry wants to show voters he is not wishy-washy and will soon take a bus tour of some of the swing states, Arizona, Ohio, Wisconsin and Michigan, to prove it. Sorry, make that Utah, Iowa, Illinois and Indiana. No, now he's going to Colorado, Minnesota, Nebraska and Kentucky.

Good for Roger the dodger
*50 years ago, Roger Bannister broke the four minute mile. In addition the 75-year-old Bannister , thanks to Viagra, broke a late-night four minute barrier.

Mon Dieu, eez dooing eet yet again, zeeez, zeez nasty zo-called comedy guy
*Tony Parker from France led the San Antonio Spurs over the Los Angeles Lakers, 95-85 to take a 2-0 lead in the best-of-seven series. In addition to being in a big hole, the Lakers also have the extremely rare humiliation to know they actually lost to someone from France.

Peace out. Slats, stay off the pole, Nugs, stay off the pipe. Word.

Not for nothing

I may have been wrong on the Iraqi prisoner thing. It is pretty damn bad. And we look like crap as a result.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

And another thing:

Well, he could . . .
Do you realize that if John Kerry is elected president, and does a great job, Kerry could become the first president to have a sculpture of his head on Mt. Rushmore that is life-sized.

I love this game, and that one, and that one, and that one, and that one . . .
I don't want to say that these NBA playoffs have been dragged out too long, but they are starting to make the Rocky movies look like an MTV video.

I don't want to say that these NBA playoffs have been dragged out too long, but I get the feeling that if the NBA guys were in charge of NCAA basketball, instead of March Madness, we'd be looking at September Silliness.

How white is he?
Eli Manning is still taking heat for turning down the San Diego Chargers for the New York Giants. Have you seen a picture of Eli? He may have made the right choice in turning down sunny San Diego. Eli's pretty pale and SPF sunblock only goes to 50.

Oh, I see, oh yes, I see how it gonna be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot was it?
*Finally, a break in the heat. Man, I was sweatin' like Eli Manning at a San Diego Padres game.

Dude, where's your brain?
*I saw a replay of Ashton Kucher on celebrity "Jeopardy." I don't want to say Ashton didn't do well on Jeopardy, but that Dude couldn't find his butt with both hands, let alone his car.

The Flakers
*Tonight the Los Angeles Lakers need to win their second game against the San Antonio Spurs. It's crunch time. The Lakers will really have to step up their finger- pointing, whining, pouting and excuse-making and take it to the next level.

I still think the Lakers are going to be OK. During the playoffs, they age like a fine whine.

I'd hate to say the Lakers are a bunch of spoiled brats, but their coach, Phil Jackson, does not bench them for bad behavior, he puts them in a time-out.

*Senator John Kerry is reportedly okay after falling off his bicycle yesterday. Kerry wasn't wearing a helmet because, well, they don't make one big enough to fit that head.

That's just mean. Especially considering the enormity of my melon
I'm mistaken, Kerry was wearing a bike helmet when he fell off his bike. Well, not exactly a bike helmet, they couldn't find one that fit, so Kerry wore the top of a Weber grill on his head.

Oh, I see . . .
*Three bombs exploded outside the Athens police department. The terrorists would have blown up the Olympic venues, but they haven't actually been built yet.

My bad
*The movie "Mean Girls" is out. It's about a bunch of catty, bickering, gossips who brutally pick on each other. No, wait, I'm sorry, that's the presidential candidates.
Excuse me.

Oh, please
*The presidential campaign is getting downright desperately silly. Today John Kerry announced that his presidency, as opposed to Bush's, would have much fewer carbohydrates.

A good one
*The final "Friends" episode is Thursday. I've seen it so I don't want to give anything away, but you are simply going to love the scene where Ross gets bitch-slapped by Richard Simmons.

Another one of my great ideas
*Coke and Pepsi are unveiling low-carb soft drinks. Here is my question, now that nobody consumes carbs anymore, what are we doing with the extra carbs nobody is consuming? We should develop an engine that runs on carbs.

Mon dieu, he eez doing it again
*Happy Cinco De Mayo. This date marks a key win over France in the Mexican battle for Independence. Here is my question, if you win a battle against the French, does it still count?

Winning a battle against the French is like winning a game of poker against yourself: there really isn't an opponent.

And that's how we play "Pick on the French for No Good Reason."

(Polite applause)

Since you asked:
Let's talk about our neighbor to the north, the at once wonderful and awful city of fallen angels, Los Angeles, California. L.A. is like that girl you know is trouble and no good for you but she breaks your heart anyway. All you can do is complain bitterly about her but you always catch yourself running back whenever you get the chance.

Musically, the first to capture L.A. was the Doors. (I know, I know, I'll get to the Beach Boys later) The Doors nailed her nasty underbelly. (One late night, I was driving past the apocalyptical City of Industry to "L.A. Woman" and it was a transcendent moment) The Beach Boys covered the fake L.A. depicted in Sixties cereal commercials and in the sit coms. Crosby Stills and Nash captured the Topanga canyon pot-head generation of the late Sixties. The Eagles got the hip and too-cool-for-school Seventies Malibu, Laurel Canyon and Sunset Strip L.A. And The Red Hot Chili Peppers got the late Eighties, early Nineties Gen-X angst, tattoo-and-piercing-ridden L.A.

Los Angeles is an example of the sum being less then the parts. Everybody knows Los Angeles sucks. No argument there. But people will fight to the death to defend their favorite part of Los Angeles: Malibu, Brentwood, Pasadena, Venice Beach, West Hollywood, et al. Los Angeles is ridden with hidden gems. My personal favorite is San Pedro. When you first drive in, San Pedro looks like a Tim Burton/Road Warrior smokey, barren nightmare of oil refineries and scary and eerie shipping docks. But at the end there is a beautiful beach and a great little Porteguese town with the greatest Mom and Pop restaurants and shops you've ever seen. I used to go windsurf jammin' there like the mythical ocean warrior that I was. (Sniff, throat-clear, teeth-suck, sigh-then-chuckle-of-confidence)

"Drop-seat cars, the topless bars, never saw a woman so alone, so alone" - The Doors, "L.A. Woman."

Since you asked 2:
You know how you type something before the cursor blinks in the Google search so nothing shows up? Where do those words go? Are there a bunch of fragment sentences floating around in a big cloud in space?

Cut to: The Space Shuttle.

"Captain, we are coming up on some giant weird cloud. I think it's a bunch of words. Most of them seem to start with the word Lesbian."

Welcome to the private hell of my inner thoughts, Slats and Nugs . . .

(Polite applause)

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

We gettin' our Summer on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, Ed, uh, how, uh, how hot is it?
*Man, it's hot. I'm sweatin' like Billy Joel is my designated driver.

I'm sweatin' like John Kerry riding a bike.

I'm sweatin' like an Iraqi prisoners when the guards play the song; "You can leave your hat on."

That too
*Bill Clinton is really pressing to finish his book. He's been up late cramming. And he's writing a lot, also.

Charge that woman
*A New Zealand woman was accidentally served a live frog in her salad on her Qantas flight between Australia and New Zealand. In the U.S. they would have charged her extra for flying with a pet.

Are they nuts?
*Did you hear Supreme Court justice David Souter was mugged while jogging last weekend? He's OK. What thugs in their right mind would mug a big tough guy like David Souter?

Police have issued an A.P.B. for two surly girl scouts.

That explains it
*Senator John Kerry is reportedly okay after falling off his bicycle yesterday. Bicycles and Kerry are not a good fit. Just like with issues, on the bike, one second Kerry's leaning to the left, then he switches over to the right. No wonder he fell off.

Whole lot of shaking goin' on
*Last night was the big finale of "10.5”. Or as they call it in Hollywood: "Your acting career is officially over."

Coincidentally, about 10.5 people watched it.

I like that in "10.5" scene where it's shaking so hard it actually shook people into a theater showing; "Scooby Doo 2."

One bad radio move and they get all over your case
*A man in Henderson, Texas was arrested after he set up a bubble bath for his wife, complete with candles and music, then tried to electrocute her by pushing a radio into the tub. There are single women saying; "Oh, that's so sweet. So he made one appliance miscue. I'd over look that."

It's working
*In New York City, cab fares are up 25%. So, I guess we really did cut off terrorist funding.

Forget the war in Iraq, forget terrorism, the campaign, here is the big story: Fox News reports that Brad Pitt quit smoking for the movie "Troy" but now he says he's smoking again. I guess we know who is going to win the Pulitzer for investigative journalism.

In shape
*Anna Nicole Smith has lost sixty pounds and looks great. See, now that all the 90-year-old billionaires have died off, Anna has to get in shape to run-down those fiesty 80-year-old billionaires.

Since you asked:
(Hang in there. Yet another A.C. saga)

Ann Caroline was talking about a Kindergarten classmate whose dog died (This whacky kid has a dog die every time she wants attention. Either that or they are running a Korean deli out of their house )

Anyway, My wife, Virginia, said; "I'm so sorry Annika lost her dog."

Ann Caroline said; "She didn't lose it. It's dead."


Reminds me of the story about the Mom consoling the child about the death of their neighbor's dog by saying:

"Sparky is with god now."

The three year-old-girl says:

"What's god going to do with a dead dog?"

(Polite applause)

Monday, May 03, 2004

You is, was, will always be my mizzle for rizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that's exciting
*Saturday Smarty Jones won the 130th running of the Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby is billed as the most exciting two-minutes in sports . . . outside of Kobe Bryant's hotel room.

This year, for the first time in the Derby, the jockeys wore ads. You know who wore the Viagra ad? A long shot that came from behind.

What a shame
*Christine Aguilera has cancelled her upcoming national tour due to strained vocal chords. And Britney Spears may have to cancel some of her shows due to strained lips.

I think that was the name
Christine Aguilera has cancelled her upcoming national tour due to strained vocal chords. I think it was billed as the "'Skank-apoloosa" tour.

That's rich
*Now that the search engine Google has gone public, the founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page are rich. How rich? John Kerry would marry them.

Umm, George . . .
Now that Google's stock is coming out, they asked President Bush if he had ever Googled, he said; "Every morning with Listerine."

That's stiff
*There are some democrats who worry that John Kerry's image is a little stiff. And there are others who think Kerry is so stiff he makes Al Gore look like Jack Black..

Love Shaq
*The L.A. Lakers lost to the San Antonio Spurs 88-78. Shaq was 3 for 13 in free throws. That's just a little below the average of a randomly chosen blind-folded drunk.

We knew this
*For the first time, Donald Trump will enter the American Century celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe. Apparently Trump is a pretty good golfer. What's Trump's handicap? His comb-over.

Come on people, we can do better
Some people are trying to compare Vietnam to Iraq. I hate to say it, but people who try to compare Iraq to Vietnam just are not talented at making accurate or clever comparisons. It's like comparing that one thing to something else that's not like that thing.

I think President Bush was a little confused when he answered questions to the 9-11 Commitee. He kept buzzing in and calling the chairman as Alex, and he phrased his answers in the form of a question.

According to Bob Woodward’s new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq by quoting the Pottery Barn rule, which is "you break it you bought it.”
As opposed to the Neiman Marcus rule; "you bought it, you're broke."

Bitch slapped
Did you hear Supreme Court justice David Souter was mugged while jogging last weekend. He's OK. And now I hear they have a suspect: Richard Simmons.

Since you asked:
It might have been thanks to my waxing lyrical about the Derby, but I did pretty good, though you know I hate to brag.

Love the exacta box bet. You pick the first and second horse and bet it both ways, then the second one first and the first one second. Does that make sense? It's two bets.

Who didn't love the Sea Biscuit-like story of Smarty Jones? But I really liked the name Lion Heart. Then I read that Lion Heart was good in the mud. Ah ha. There was my exacta. $50 on 3 for 1st and 15 for 2nd, $50 on 15 for 1st and 3 for 2nd for a total of $100. That's a lot for me for one bet, but, after all, it was the Derby. Called my gambling savvy buddy, Kevie "Homey Juan" to place the bet. He called back twenty minutes before the race saying he couldn't place it and was driving frantically to the Del Mar race track to place it with the Off Track window. This was turning into a scene from "The Sting"

Kevie and I agreed to meet at the bar at the Posiden, on the beach in Del Mar. The race goes off and I don't know if Kevie got the bet down. Sure enough, Lion Heart leads from the wire, but Sporty Jones was mired in sixth. Slowly, Sporty starts to reel in the field. Man, I was yelling and screaming like a knucklehead. Sure enough, the final stretch it's my two horses by almost three lengths, Sporty Jones and Lion Heart.

But did it count? Did Kevie get the bet down? Twenty minutes later, Kevie runs in. I can tell by his half-buzzed happy look, he got it down. We do the uglier than ugly white man High Ten. Beautiful, I thought. I must be looking at a four or five hundred dollar payday.

Kevie starts peeling off my one hundred dollar bills on the bar: One, two, four, five, six, seven . . . all the way to sweet sixteen! $1,600. Can you believe that? Bless his sotted-heart, Kevin pulled a "Plains, Trains and Automobiles" including double parking to get in there. They closed the window two people after him. Whew, we spent the rest of the afternoon fighting for the right to buy the drinks.

Looks like Daddy is getting some new outdoor speakers. That way whenever people come over for a barbeque, I can bore them with my story.

Oh, and anyone with the I.R.S., this is just a joke. I'm a comedy writer, I'm kidding, I never win that big.