Saturday, July 12, 2003

To quote T 3, (that's Terrible Terry Tate, not that bad acting robot) you can’t just say it, you got to play it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

P.U., and I don’t mean Pepperdine University
*The Chicago Cubs have lost 15 out of their last 22 games. The Cubs have stunk so much recently that today manager Dusty Baker issued body-heat activated Degree deodorant to all of the Cubs, not just the white players.

A big reason the Cubs have been so malodorous lately? Relief pitcher (and I use the word relief ironically) Antonio Alfonseca. Let’s look past the fact that Alfonseca is uglier than homemade shoes; the guyhas been dishing out homeruns like a Krispy Kream hands out donuts. The Cubs should have been suspicious from the start: Alfonseca in Spanish means; Curves not breaking.

Paging Doctor Atkins. Ooops, too late
*Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon was suspended for three games and fined $2,000 by Major League Baseball for his sausage onslaught. In addition, Simon was immediately restricted to a low-cholesterol, meat-byproduct free diet.

Only five games separate the fifth place Pirates from the second place St. Louis Cardinals. The central division is packed tighter than hot dogs in a package. (I promise, that’s the last one)

Quitting with panache, also a French word
*Sprint maestro and four-stage winner Alessandro Petacchi of Italy suddenly quit the 2003 Tour de France when he gave up on the first climb of the seventh stage. This was such a stunning example of giving up that even the French were impressed.

Oh my goodness, Petacchi quit the tour after four wins? Do you know what this means? No, seriously, I am asking, does anyone know what this means?

Friday, July 11, 2003

You heard me, I said bring the noise, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Color me shocked
*The Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker created a stir when he said that black and Hispanic players can take the heat better than white players. As a person of white color, I found this statement so objectionable, I nearly dropped my SPF 50 lotion and my sun parasol.

Next thing you know Baker will claim the Asian players are good at math.

That’s a lot
The Los Angeles Lakers just signed the Utah’s Jazz’s big man Carl Malone who will join Shaquille O’Neal. That sound you heard was the Laker’s private chef feinting.

Perfect fit
*Jerry Springer, the talk show host will file papers to run for the U.S. Senate. This guy deals every day with the scum of the earth, low-lifes, nut-jobs, psychos and sleaze bags. So obviously, he’s qualified to serve in congress.

Dah dum, dah dum, dadum dadum
*Authorities say beachgoers don’t need to worry about great white sharks. They say more people are killed by vending machines than by great white sharks. And that’s just the people killed from eating Twinkies.

Vending machines more dangerous than a shark? I don’t know about that. Have you ever tried to get your money back from a shark? That’s pretty dangerous.

A strong wind
*Tropical storm Claudette hit the tourist resort of Cancun. To show you how bad it was, the winds were so strong, at Club Med, it blew two people into bed who were actually married to each other.

Just Do It More
*In his second exhibition for the Cleveland Cavaliers high school phenom LeBron “King” James only had 14 points in their 82-78 loss to the Miami Heat. Or as Nike sees that: over six million a point.

Brat was the matter with this guy?

Authorities booked Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon on misdemeanor battery for hitting the Milwaukee Brewers racing Italian sausage with a bat. The Italian sausage fell and tripped the racing hot dog. Both people in the wiener costumes sustained minor injuries, so there is still some debate as to which sausage was knocked worst. (Sorry.)

If you look closely at the video, you see another unidentified Pirate player sink to a knee, swing a bat at a sausage, and missed. He was charged with a felony misdemeanor because he fell on a knee and missed a wiener. (Now you’re sorry)

Simon claims he was just kidding and merely lightly tapped the sausage, but that excuse doesn’t cut the mustard. The story keeps getting weirder and weirder. In the after-race dope test, the Bratwurst, tested positive for M.S.G. Sadly, in the race, the fallen Italian sausage never did ketchup. In an ugly incident like this, there simply are no wieners. (Last one, I promise)

Asked to comment on Simon’s action, the San Diego Padres mascot the Friar said; “Hey, I am a guy in a priest costume. I can’t cast aspersions on anyone’s behavior.”

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Now why I got to be all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ewwwww, ahhhhhhh
How many had a good Fourth of July? How many of you fired off your own fireworks? Let’s see a show of stumps, how many fired off their own fireworks?

The Fourth of July is that time of year where the rest of the country learns what they learn every single day in Alabama: Booze and explosives is one scary combination.

*Apparently Kobe shot off a few fireworks . . .
Kobe Bryant was arrested on suspicion of sexual assault after a woman accused the Los Angeles Lakers' guard of sexual misconduct at a hotel near Vail. Kobe should hire Johnny Cochran. Cochran will contend that Kobe is 6ft.6. and Vail’s altitude is at least 8 thousand feet; combined, there wasn’t enough oxygen getting to Kobe’s brain; “If his head got no air, there could be no affair.”

I am shocked, compared to other NBA goons, Kobe is sophisticated, classy, refined, why, he is practically the Martha Stewart of the NBA.

Name game
*Thousands of people ran in the first of Pamplona’s annual running of the Bulls. Truth-in-advertising laws may force a title change of this event from the running of the bulls too the running of the stupid, drunk people.

13 people have died at the running of the Bulls since 1924. The good news is that death did not substantially lower their I.Q.’s.

Or as I like to call this column, the running of the bull.

Well, no kidding
*Terrance Kiel, the San Diego Chargers third draft selection this year, was shot three times including in the abdomen and once in the leg and once in the ankle. The San Diego Union Tribune reports that; “It would appear unlikely that he will be ready for training camp later this month.” In other less obvious sports reporting, the Dodgers are no longer in Brooklyn.

You go, dog
*For the third consecutive year, Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest as no contest as young Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi ate 44½ dogs, 14 better than the runner-up. The next day, Kobayashi also set a world record for drinking the most Metamucil.
400-pound former NFL great William “The Refrigerator” Perry dropped out only after four hot dogs. The Fridge wasn’t really competing, he just wanted a free lunch.

Or as the Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal calls 44 ½ hot dogs: a light lunch.

Salt in the wound
*Tiger Woods won the Western Open by five strokes, but he was furious with himself for losing a ten-stroke lead. What’s it like for the rest of the field to know the guy who just destroyed them is upset that he was underachieving? That’s gotta hurt.

Since you asked

Britney Spears has plummeted from number one to off the Forbes top 100 entertainers list in the last year. All we see of Christina Aguilera these days are the pictures of her new ample tummy lard circulating the Internet. What is wrong with these teenage divas besides an amazing publicity-to-talent overload? Listen to their songs. They are monuments to self-absorption: Christina’s “Pretty” is the musical equivalent of catching someone kissing their mirror; Britney’s songs are “I’m not that innocent a girl, not an innocent woman, me, me, me.” Their song writing philosophy is: Enough about me, what do all of you think about me?

It is my contention that a singer cannot sing a great song without having soul, and they can’t have soul unless their heart has been broken. (Listen to Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” and then try and argue that statement.) The closest Christina or Britney have ever probably ever been to heart-broken is when one of their soon-to-be-fired personal assistants brought them a lukewarm non-fat mocha latte.

John Hiatt sang in “Perfectly Good Guitar”

“There ought to be a law, with no bail, smash a guitar and you go to jail, with no hope of early parole, you don’t get out until you get some soul.”

Well, there ought to be a law against singing a song when you are a vapid, shallow, vain, spoiled brat. And while I'm at it, you kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!