Now why I got to be all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
How many had a good Fourth of July? How many of you fired off your own fireworks? Let’s see a show of stumps, how many fired off their own fireworks?
The Fourth of July is that time of year where the rest of the country learns what they learn every single day in Alabama: Booze and explosives is one scary combination.
*Apparently Kobe shot off a few fireworks . . .
Kobe Bryant was arrested on suspicion of sexual assault after a woman accused the Los Angeles Lakers' guard of sexual misconduct at a hotel near Vail. Kobe should hire Johnny Cochran. Cochran will contend that Kobe is 6ft.6. and Vail’s altitude is at least 8 thousand feet; combined, there wasn’t enough oxygen getting to Kobe’s brain; “If his head got no air, there could be no affair.”
I am shocked, compared to other NBA goons, Kobe is sophisticated, classy, refined, why, he is practically the Martha Stewart of the NBA.
*Thousands of people ran in the first of Pamplona’s annual running of the Bulls. Truth-in-advertising laws may force a title change of this event from the running of the bulls too the running of the stupid, drunk people.
13 people have died at the running of the Bulls since 1924. The good news is that death did not substantially lower their I.Q.’s.
Or as I like to call this column, the running of the bull.
Well, no kidding
*Terrance Kiel, the San Diego Chargers third draft selection this year, was shot three times including in the abdomen and once in the leg and once in the ankle. The San Diego Union Tribune reports that; “It would appear unlikely that he will be ready for training camp later this month.” In other less obvious sports reporting, the Dodgers are no longer in Brooklyn.
You go, dog
*For the third consecutive year, Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest as no contest as young Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi ate 44½ dogs, 14 better than the runner-up. The next day, Kobayashi also set a world record for drinking the most Metamucil.
400-pound former NFL great William “The Refrigerator” Perry dropped out only after four hot dogs. The Fridge wasn’t really competing, he just wanted a free lunch.
Or as the Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal calls 44 ½ hot dogs: a light lunch.
Salt in the wound
*Tiger Woods won the Western Open by five strokes, but he was furious with himself for losing a ten-stroke lead. What’s it like for the rest of the field to know the guy who just destroyed them is upset that he was underachieving? That’s gotta hurt.
Since you asked
Britney Spears has plummeted from number one to off the Forbes top 100 entertainers list in the last year. All we see of Christina Aguilera these days are the pictures of her new ample tummy lard circulating the Internet. What is wrong with these teenage divas besides an amazing publicity-to-talent overload? Listen to their songs. They are monuments to self-absorption: Christina’s “Pretty” is the musical equivalent of catching someone kissing their mirror; Britney’s songs are “I’m not that innocent a girl, not an innocent woman, me, me, me.” Their song writing philosophy is: Enough about me, what do all of you think about me?
It is my contention that a singer cannot sing a great song without having soul, and they can’t have soul unless their heart has been broken. (Listen to Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” and then try and argue that statement.) The closest Christina or Britney have ever probably ever been to heart-broken is when one of their soon-to-be-fired personal assistants brought them a lukewarm non-fat mocha latte.
John Hiatt sang in “Perfectly Good Guitar”
“There ought to be a law, with no bail, smash a guitar and you go to jail, with no hope of early parole, you don’t get out until you get some soul.”
Well, there ought to be a law against singing a song when you are a vapid, shallow, vain, spoiled brat. And while I'm at it, you kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!