Thursday, May 13, 2010

Go ahead and try to find something cuter

Whatever lifts your luggage, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Barack Obama nominated Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. The rumor in Washington is Elena Kagen used to date Elliot Spitzer, but it’s not true. Elena Kagan was never a whore.

Tiger Woods’s swing coach of six years, Hank Haney, has left Tiger. Apparently Tiger and Haney had a big disagreement over the definition of the word swinging.

The Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad, is on the No Fly list and yet he flies back and forth from Pakistan. But if you’re in airport security and you so much as whisper a joke about a bomb, you’re in a locked room getting a rectal exam. I learned this one the hard way.

Reports of Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger’s errant behavior have been so scathing, his fans are blaming his actions on possible brain damage. Let me tell you something, if your behavior is so awful the only excuse is brain damage? You might want to clean up your act.

Reports of Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger’s errant behavior have been so scathing, his fans are blaming his actions on possible brain damage. To which Tiger Woods said; “Me too, I got hit in the head by a golf ball a while ago, yeah, that’s it.”

There is amazing video of an Australian father who clutches and shields his infant son the instant prior to getting hit by a car. Turns out everyone is going to be OK, but that is bravery. I dive out of the way when the lawn sprinkler goes on.

The lengths some guys will go to get lucky with Mom on Father’s day is amazing.

While their 19th child is still in the hospital, Michelle Duggar told an interviewer they might have a 20th child. All the children’s names begin with the letter J. Number 20 will be called: Just-fell-out.

On “American Idol,” when Chrystal Bowersox and Lee DeWize sang their duet, I wept. Incidentally, while playing golf with the guys, don’t say: When Chrystal Bowersox and Lee DeWize sang their duet on “American Idol”, I wept.

“Playboy” is coming out with a 3-D issue complete with 3-D glasses; this is for the guys who didn’t think they looked like enough of a loser masturbating to “Playboy” without wearing 3-D glasses.

Since you asked:

Had a bit of an Zen-moment while out on a good run on a beautiful day just now. (My running had to improve or I would have been going backwards) Don Henley’s “You Must Not Be Drinking Enough” popped on my iPod and memories came flooding.

She passed on your passion

Stepped on your pride

Turns out you ain't quite so tough

'Cause you still wanna hold her

You must not be drinkin' enough

See, in the beginning of my dating career, the big heartbreak score in the sky was Girls: 732, Lex: Zilch. So when my heart would inevitably bust, I would revel in the misery that was so beautifully expressed in heartbreak songs like “Helplessly Hoping,”“*Bell Bottom Blues” and “Wild Horses.”

When Henley came out with a tongue-in-cheek drunken parody of a heartbreak song, “You Must Not Be Drinking Enough” I had gone to college in Santa Barbara and moved to New York and pulled the greatest heartbreak comeback known to man.

How great of a comeback? Imagine the Titanic springing out of the water and steaming into port. (wow, Lex, that is some comeback) Thank you, Inner Tirade, I am proud of it. (Putz)

The point is (thrusting a dirty look at Inner Tirade) by the time “YMNBDE” came out, I was about 23-years-old and on vacation from New York with my parents in Michigan in Goodheart. Or Petosky, one. Plus we were on Lake Michigan, where most of my previous heartbreaks had taken place, so the smells, sights and sounds took me right back there. (to this day the smell of gasoline-fumes floating on lake water can make me weep for Cindy Thomas)

So I could listen to "YMNBDE" and, at once, hearken back to all of those bitter sweet memories of love lost and yet also revel in my current and fantastic romantic turnaround. (Sniff, teeth-suck, chortle and sigh of smugness)

It was the best of both worlds, Slatt-o-inis and Nuggalosies, it was the best of both worlds.

(Polite applause)

P.S. The next song to come on was the Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music’s live version of “Jealous Guy.” I’m not gay – not that there is anything wrong with it – but I would consider going gay if it meant that was the only way I could listen to this song. (Not that I can imagine that scenario playing out)

Tonight I am going to sear/grill awesome swordfish steaks (dusted in Old Bay, garlic powder and pepper) until just under done and finish them in a pan of basting sauce of 1 cup of white wine, ½ cup of chicken broth, sautéed onions, garlic, capers and a good squeeze of lemon. Throw in some mini carrots near the end, serve over rice pilaf with a cold glass of chardonnay. Bam it with chopped parsley and watch the Cavs duke it out with the Celtics.

And listen to Roxy’s “Jealous Guy” again. Life is good. (Knock on wood three times)

*If I could choose a place to die, it would be in your arms - "Bell Bottom Blues" E.C. with Derek and the Dominoes

As heartbreak song lines go, that is hard to beat

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My man Robby Naish making it look easy
I myself am often surprised by life’s little quirks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After quitting the Players Championship with a sore neck, Tiger Woods was heckled by a 7-year-old boy. You can’t blame the child for being upset, there is a good chance Tiger is his abandoning dad.

President Barack Obama nominated Solicitor General Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. Now don’t confuse the Solicitor General with the Major Solicitor, that’s Elliot Spitzer.

Happy Birthday to the birth control pill, it turned 50; so if you’re 50 or older, there is a good chance your parents did not want you.

First Nike athletes Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods and Ben Roethlisberger had sex scandals, now Nike’s top French soccer player, Franck Ribery, could go to prison for having sex with an underage prostitute. Since when did Nike stand for Nookie Is Killing Everyone?

President Barack Obama nominated Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. The rumor in Washington is Elena Kagen used to date Elliot Spitzer, but it’s not true. Elena Kagan was never a whore.

A study of fossils reveals human beings used to mate with Neanderthals. Apropos of nothing, I wonder how Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger is doing?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So why the picture of Keira? Why not?

I’m a do it to it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Two of the Iditarod dog sled drivers tested positive for marijuana. 50 contestants drive dog sleds in Alaska over one thousand miles of snow, and only two tested positive for pot? That’s a miracle.

After paying $39 million over three years, the Oakland Raiders have cut the former #1 overall draft pick in 2007, QB JaMarcus Russell. So JaMarcus Russell may be the biggest bust in the NFL, but Ben Roethlisberger is still the biggest boob.

Thursday’s stock plunge was caused by a Wall Street trader who mistakenly typed the word B in billion instead of the M in million. What a boron.

More information coming out about failed Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad. Turns out Shahzad was a cross-dressing methamphetamine addict who loved dog fighting and goat porn. None of that is true, I just love to mock idiot terrorists.

A fan ran onto the field during a Philadelphia Phillies game and was tasered. “Here we go, Phillies, don’t tase me, bro. Here we go Phillies, don’t tase me, bro.”

Usually the only fans who get a shock are the ones who have watched the Dodgers’ start of the season.

Indiana, a 72-year-old grandmother is having an affair with her 26-year-old grandson. And now let’s all take a second to give our brain a furiously-scrubbing Silkwood shower.

Mike Tyson is now a Vegan. To which Evander Holyfield’s ear said; “Oh, great, now you’re a Vegan.”

Chef Emeril Lagase is getting his own show on CBS. Personally, I am pulling for the title: “Two and a Half Bams.”

It turns out the Times Square bomber had ties to the Pakistan Taliban. Is it just me or does the Pakistan Taliban sound like a Dr. Seuss story?

“Does the Pakistan Taliban have a crazy man driving a van? Why, yes indeed, a crazy man is driving a van for the Taliban of Pakistan.”

Since you asked:

Sunday at the Players, they ask Tiger Woods’s swing coach of six years, Hank Haney – Tiger fired the most famous swing coach in the world before this, Butch Harmon, in a way that left them both bitter – anyway, so they asked Haney if he noticed if Tiger had a bad neck. Being a non-liar, Hank said no.

Today Hank announces he and Tiger are mutually splitting ways? Please. Tiger, don’t pee on my foot and tell me it’s raining.

Tiger obviously fired Haney for not doing what all of his other butt-smooching sycophants do to stay on Tiger's pay role: cover up and lie.

Believe me, I know from personal experience how horrible it is when you discover someone you considered a friend is suddenly exposed as a lying and cheating philandering sociopath. Everyone suspects you had to know, but you didn’t. Sociopaths are as good at living lies as they are about covering them up.

I’m sure Haney is relieved about not having to deal with all the incredible mess surrounding Tiger. But, be clear, Haney did not quit on the recently former world’s #1 golfer, he was fired.

Tiger Woods quit the Players Championship because of bulging disk. (Be careful, that is pronounced disk, with an S) Tiger’s swing is so bad, the next Nike commercial will feature a silent Tiger Woods with the voice of Tiger’s dead swing.

For those who are worried about Tiger’s future, it was shocking and ironic to see the biggest "player" on the tour quitting the Players Championship. But don’t worry, Tiger will enter and finish the Man-Whore Open.

Also at the Players Championship, Paul Goydos 5-putted for an 8 on a par three. That’s more strokes than Tiger Woods after a Hooter’s happy hour.

Tiger Woods quit the Players Championship because of a pain in his neck. Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus both played on severely arthritic hips, they never quit a tournament, Ben Hogan played after nearly dying in a horrible car crash, and Hogan he never quit a tournament.

Tiger done flat out quit.

The only thing the harshest critics of Tiger – and there were many severe Tiger critics even before his sex scandal meltdown – the one and only thing the most ardent Tiger haters could not question was Tiger’s toughness and intensity on a golf course.

Now even Tiger’s toughness and intensity on a golf course has been exposed as a phony lie.

Remember how tough and intense Mike Tyson was while he was winning? It’s easy to be brave and bold when you’re destroying everyone. When “Iron Mike” Tyson started to lose we suddenly were thrown into an incredibly ugly world of what an insane and cowardly ear-biting spineless psycho bully Mike Tyson actually was.

The same thing is happening with Tiger Woods. The icy glower, the sinister sneer towards the gallery, the fierce, unfriendly club-slamming, foul-mouthed warrior in Sunday red is now starting to dissolve in front of our eyes leaving a sad, pathetic, sniveling and whining brat who quits when everything doesn’t go his way.

No ask me how I really feel.

So why is it so fun for sports writer and comedy writers to go after Tiger Woods? In my experience there is nothing more fun than discovering a lying hypocrite and then going after them. As a comedy writer, I cut my teeth on OJ Simpson, my former idol.

Like John Edwards, it was bad enough for Tiger to shamefully pimp his image as a wonderful father and husband to sell more Nike gear. Now it turns out he was a lying whore while pimping a bold-faced lie.

All rules are gone. All bets are off. Any punch can be thrown and it will be considered fair.

Liar, cheater, hypocrite, phony, foul-mouthed rude jerk, cheapskate and now you can add to Tiger’s list: quitter. How’s that image working out for you, Nike? Here’s your new motto:

Just Quit It.