Thursday, October 02, 2003

The blues ain't nothin' but a good Cubs fan feelin' bad, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Sperminator
Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his first 100 days in office. You should see what he has planned for day 69.

It’s looking a little better for Gray Davis, today he got the support of a pretty sizeable voting block: women who have been groped by Arnold.

Six women have claimed to have been groped and sexually harassed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. For his part, Arnold apologized saying he meant it jokingly and he is genuinely sorry if he offended any of the women, including the hoochy mammas, nasty ho’s or even the skanks.

It turns out the name Schwarzenegger is German for; “Wanna see where the horse bit me?”

Six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenneger groped them, several specifically mentioned that Arnold grabbed their left breast. Arnold, this isn't what we meant when we wanted you to keep abreast of the issues.

Rush to judgment
Rush Limbaugh, after resigning his ESPN job for saying Quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because the media wants him to succeed because he is black, now Rush might face investigation, in Florida, of abusing prescription drugs. Limbaugh said the only reason press is reporting this story because he is white and they want him to do badly.

It was a rough day for Rush Limbaugh. First he resigned from ESPN for suspect comments and Florida is investigating Limbaugh for abusing prescription drugs. If all that wasn’t bad enough, today Rush had his left breast groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Not since then, huh?
The US beat Norway 1-0 in the women’s World Cup. I haven’t seen that many cute blonde girls frantically running around since Bill Clinton visited Arnold Schwarzenegger on the set.

Mmmm mmm dead
At the Texas State Fair they are now serving batter dipped deep fried Oreos. My cholesterol just went up hearing about that.

We tried here at "A Little Bit Bad" to interview someone who ate the batter-deep fried Oreos to get their opinion, but nobody who has eaten them has had their heart last long enough long enough to talk to us.

I’m in a New York state of fine
New York has made a law which will fine non-athletes if they step on the field. You know what this means? Next year the New York Mets will have to pay to play.

More bad news for the New York Jets . . .

This means New York Yankee pitcher David Wells will have to make a trip to the ATM before each start.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Cubs win, Cubs win, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What are the odds?
In Louisiana, rapper C-Murder was convicted of murder. What a shock. It wasn’t a tough case for the prosecutor:

“State your name.” “C- Murder.” “I rest, your honor.”

That's right, shocking as it may sound, Rapper C-Murder was arrested for murder. And I don’t even want to tell you what rapper Goat Lover was arrested for.

The magic of advertising
Did you see all the Chicago Cubs fans at Atlanta in their 4-2 first playoff win? They were carrying signs for Kerry Wood saying “We Got Wood.” Or was that Rafael Palmero in the Viagra ad?

The One Term-inator
Arianna Huffington is devoting herself to defeat the recall to deny Arnold Schwarzenegger office. Today Arnold announced that, if he had to be around Arianna any more, he, like Arianna’s ex-husband, would also go gay.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a little sad Arianna Huffington has dropped out. After all, Boris without Natasha is like Moose without Squirrel.

Bust a long move
P. Diddy is going to run the New York Marathon. He isn’t kidding, he is serious. To lose some weight for the race, P. Diddy is even going to take off some of his guns.

Well, P. Diddy isn’t going to run exactly, his entourage is going to carry him over the marathon course, but he is going to do it.

This marathon is going to be a real test for P. Diddy’s entourage. They’ve never had to suck up for 26 miles straight before.

Since you asked:

Any questions about my California residence reducing my Cub fandom will now be erased.

Last night – through an unavoidable scheduling mishap (see being married) I had to go to the John Hiatt/ Robert Cray concert on the bay at Humphries. Don’t get me wrong, we went with great friends and that is a wonderful place to see a concert and John Hiatt was out of his mind good, as always. But for the love of Ernie Banks, the Cubs were playing their first playoff game.

So, I had my friend and neighbor, Kevin “Homey Juan” Perron, tape the game and leave it by his front door. I avoided any radios or TV’s until I went to pick it up. The problem? Kevy didn’t leave his townhouse gate open. To procure the game tape, I had to scale a ten foot wrought iron gate with metal spikes designed, nearly successfully in my case, to castrate offending climbers. Twice. Now don't get me wrong, I am an extremely fit mini-triathlete-in-training, and virile, not to mention ruggedly handsome man. But at 6. 2, 225 and 45 years of age, I am not in the perfect ten foot high iron fence climbing demographic.

And I wrenched my knee on the ten-foot drop. Not bad, but I am playing hurt.

OK, so I didn’t fly to Atlanta and see the game like my diehard Cub fan buddy, Ray. But this ends any loose talk and speculation (Woody) that the California sunshine has faded my Cub love.

Whoa, the Cubbies are on. Gotta go.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Yes, yes, yes, some mo’ yes and hell yes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh Blue? Where are you?
Ben Affleck bought a pickup truck in Georgia. First his wedding gets called off, he got a gun
permit, and now a pickup truck. Ben’s just one lost dog away from being a bad country song.

Good move
OJ Simpson has been invited to coach a football of high-school all-stars in Florida. That’s not a bad idea. OJ may be old, but he can still cut and run with the best of them.

Not a good move
Nicole Kidman and Lenny Kravitz are getting married. I’m not sure this is going to work: Ben Affleck is organizing the bachelor party.

Start screening
President Bush signed the “Do Not Call” bill. And that’s just aimed at Republican recall candidate Tom McClintock. Bush said: “I can’t help you, don’t call anymore.”

Mamma Mia, I’m a mute
Italians are up in arms over their blackout because they can’t communicate. They can’t talk to each other at night because they can’t see their hands.

Neeener, Neener, Ahhhhhnold
Have you seen Gray Davis taunting Arnold to debate him? He reminds me of the schoolyard nerd taunting the bully at the playground while safely tucked behind the teacher’s legs.

At the start of the Chicago Bears Green Bay Packer Monday night game, the mood was so festive, the air looked so crisp, I could almost taste the tailgate beer and brats. By the end of the first half, the Bears were stinking the place up as if I had tasted way too much brats and beer.

And now starting for the Taliban
Did you happen to catch some of the names on the Packers? Bhawoh Jue, Chukie Nwokosie, Kaber Gbaja-Biamake. It sounded like they were introducing Camp X-Ray, not Green Bay.

It’s up, and he’s even higher
Congratulations to Sebastian Janikowski for his game-winning 46-yard field goal for the Oakland Raiders. Sebastian celebrated with his traditional 46-yard kick celebration: Colt 44’s plus two shots.

Monday, September 29, 2003

You go, girl and Cubbies and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh say can you see?

On Saturday at Wrigley Field, before the Chicago Cubs clinched the Central Division, the National Anthem was sung by the Gay Men’s Choir. That’s what did it. Last year, I predicted the last place Cubs would clinch their division right about the time a bunch of gay guys stand on the field and sing about rockets going off.

Hey, hey, Ronnie
The best sign at Wrigley Field during the ceremony to retire Ron Santo’s number? “Ron Santo for Governor of California.” Santo has had both legs amputated, and he would still have a leg up on most of the candidates.

Did you see that Ron Santo's grandson is, I think, named Bobby Brown? How come they didn't name him Brant?

Watch out for low-flying pigs
The Chicago Cubs have clinched the Central Division and are in the playoffs. Do not attempt to adjust your computer, you read it right, the Cubs are in the playoffs.

Today a lot of Chicagoans had to take a sick day. Not from celebrating, they are too sore to work from repeatedly pinching themselves.

Ducting the doctor
In Alaska, a hunter attacked by a grizzly bear on a remote trail said he used duct tape to bind his bite wounds, then drove himself to a hospital. Wait until guys here about the surgical use for duct tape: “Honey, you don’t need a face lift, here, I’ll get the duct tape. A breast enhancement? I’ll use two rolls.”

New meaning
The longest sneeze attack in history lasted nine hundred and seventy-eight days. Here’s what I heard happened, for his allergies his doctor was supposed to prescribe Allegra, but prescribed Viagra by mistake: so for nine hundred and seventy-eight days, this guy brought new meaning to the term a hard sneeze.

Little blue pill
In the endless Viagra commercials during sporting events this weekend, I noticed that Viagra pills are diamond-shaped. Now that is brilliant marketing. What’s harder than a diamond?

The Rock and a hard place
Have you heard about the movie with the sex-crazed monkey? But enough about the upcoming Bill Clinton biography, The Rock’s “The Rundown” was number one this weekend.

Guy test
Guys, here is how to tell if you are whipped or not. If you stayed home and watched sports this weekend, you’re not whipped. You’re not getting any, but you’re not whipped. If you took your girl to the movies and saw the Rocks “The Rundown” you may or may not be whipped. If you took your date to see “Under the Tuscan Sun,” forget it, you are whipped.

“Under the Tuscan Sun” Is that a chick flick or what? They should change the name to “Devine Secrets of Thelma and Louise at Beaches Under the Tuscan Sun.”

Sunday, September 28, 2003

We crazy like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’ve seen what love looks like. It’s 40,000 adoring fans at beautiful Wrigley Field wildly cheering Ron Santo on the day the Chicago Cubs retired his number ten.

Diabetes has treated Ronnie like the Black Night in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” but Ron has responded with laughter and class. It’s simple: If Santo is not inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, than the Baseball Hall of Fame sucks.

Best sign in a long time: Ron Santo for Governor of California.


How did the Chicago Cubs go from last place last year to division winners this year? Not to put too fine a point on it, but the next time I fly into Chicago, I better be landing at Dusty Baker Airport. Baker is proof that winning is contagious. Everyone in Chicago, and those of us away, but who love Chicago, has a little more bounce in their step. And that includes a third base great minus two legs.

Cubs win, Cubs win, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers!