Friday, December 26, 2003

This right here how we do, how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"Tis the Season to be slammin"
*Man, I had a great Christmas. I got the Saddam Chia. He comes in his very own spider hole.

*Arnold Schwarzenegger had a good Christmas. He got the "Grope Me" Barbie.

Holiday numbers
*The latest "Lord of The Rings" movie opened up over the weekend with over a quarter billion people world-wide. That's an amazing number when you consider that not one of those people could have possibly brought a date.

Falalalalalala, you person
*Man, did I get a surprise for Christmas. I got a queer makeover. Let's just say I never fully understood the "Deck the halls" lyrics "Don we now our gay apparel" until now.

Run that past me again
*For the third time the Pakistani President, Pervez Musharaf, narrowly avoided a suicide bomber. Today Musharaf called Gray Davis and asked; "So, how do you get recalled?"

Merry Merry? Quite contrary
*The Holidays can be a little stressful with all the relatives; On Christmas, our Uncle Ronnie didn’t get the Barbie "Cook with Me" Smart Kitchen he wanted, so he hid all day locked in his spider hole.

Packing it on
*The Holidays can be tough time to lose weight. Sure, I put on a couple of pounds over Christmas, but that’s only because I am preparing for my role in the "Bridget Jones Diary" sequel.

So Farsi so good
*For the movie "House of Sand and Fog" snotty British actor Ben Kingsley amazed his colleagues by how quickly he learned to speak the Arabic language Farsi for his role. Learning Farsi is impressive. Sure, it's no gaining of thirty pounds like Renee Zellweger, but it's impressive.

I Hate that when that happens
*A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez is unhappy with his manager, his team and he wants out of the Texas Rangers. I sure hope Alex Rodriguez gets the trade he wants. It just breaks my heart when quarter-billionaires are not happy.

Mon Ami, part 123
*Air France has resumed their L.A. to Paris flights. So you know it has to be safe now that Air France is flying again. If Air France is flying, we can go from Orange alert down to Bleu.

Nice try
*The Scot Peterson defense team has taken a new strategy. They are going to try and plead Mad Cow disease.

An idea whose time has, well, you know . . .
During halftime of the Super Bowl, there will the Lingerie Bowl scantily clad underwear models playing touch. Here’s my question: What the hell took so long? We’ve had to endure that stupid Bud Bowl for twenty years and they are just now getting around to the Lingerie Bowl?

I know who should play in the Lingerie Bowl. Paris Hilton. She’s a natural receiver.

Since you asked:
So there we were, the picture of Holiday cheer, my wife, Virginia, me and my lovely five-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, playing kid's Monopoly as our two yellow labradors, Kasey and Wrigley, decked out in their festive holiday collars, snoozed by the fire. (No, I wasn't wearing a cardigan nor smoking a pipe)

We are in the middle of the game when I rolled the dice and landed on one of Ann Caroline's properties. Suddenly, and without any warning, Ann Caroline leaps to her feet and yells;"BOO YAHHHHHH!" Then she spins around and does a hilarious booty dance.

It's an amazing thing when your sweet little angelic baby girl hangs her Booo Yahh Booty dance on you.

We watched "Miracle on 34th Street" last night. Ahh, the good old days when a Miracle on 34th street was if nobody puked on the subway platform for an hour. But I digress . . .

Am I the only straight guy who squirts hot little drunken debutante tears when Kris Kringle speaks Dutch to the little WWII orphan/adopted girl? Why is that?

Biggest Holiday movie tear-jerker moments?

#3: "Miracle On 34th Street" Santa Speaking Dutch to adopted ophan girl. (Maureen O'Hara had a great line following that. "I speak French but that doesn't make me Joan of Arc.")

#2: Clarence gets his wings in "It's a Wonderful Life."

Hands down winner, not even close, if you don't cry you should throw dirt over yourself:

#1: The awesome black and white "Christmas Carol" with Alister Simms as Scrooge. When Bob Cratchit breaks down sobbing while trying to console his family over the death of his beloved cock-sparrow, Tiny Tim.

When you think about Simms' performance, what makes it so amazing is that he totally sells the evil and the lovable Scrooge. We hate the guy and then we love the guy. Actors are lucky if they can pull off one or the other. (That's not including Madonna who gets us to hate her unintentionally)

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

We getting’ the ho ho holly all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Well, no, usually I’m the drunk one . . .
Do you ever go to really obnoxious Christmas party where everyone but you is drunk? I was at a party like that last night and, I swear, Joe Namath must have asked to kiss me three times.

From Broadway Joe to Mistletoe Joe
*During an ESPN sideline interview, a slurring Joe Namath offered to kiss interviewer Suzy Kolby three times. You thought you were embarrassed after your Christmas party? Suddenly photocopying your naked butt and handing out the copies doesn’t seem so bad, does it?

That makes it easier
Of the top three bowl teams USC led LSU and Oklahoma with the highest graduation rate; 61% of USC football players graduate. Of course, since the players are on scholarship, that eliminates USC’s single toughest graduation criterion: the last tuition check clearing.

Not a good idea
Guys, how many finished all of their Christmas shopping? How many are just going to gift wrap your credit card and give it to their wife?

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Since you asked:
The way Brett Favre's Green Bay Packer teammates played so hard for him following his beloved father's passing – pulling down touchdown catches despite double and triple coverage - reminded of me of when my Father passed away.

My dad sang in the church choir, so, before his funeral service, we asked the choir if they would please sing hard and– as my Dad loved to say – blow the lid off the dump. The memory of their soaring voices still haunts me.

During that Monday Night game, my five-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, was listening intently to the announcers discuss how Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre had just lost his father. I sort of cringed, because, like all kids her age, Ann Caroline is both fascinated and terrified of the topic and sometimes the questions about death can go a tad longer than my ability to answer them.

Not this time. Announcer Al Michaels had just remarked at how sad it was that Brett’s father had passed so close to Christmas.

Ann Caroline looked at me, and her mother, and asked;

“Are the angels going to make sure his dad has Christmas in heaven?”

Here’s hoping for a little heaven in your Christmas and Holidays, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Monday, December 22, 2003

Oh what the hell, I'll play hurt. If some of these seem a bit "touched", remember, it's the fever talking, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We should have known when her talent was to bust a cap
*The reigning Miss Savannah, Ga., Sharon Nicole Redman, turned herself in after shooting her boyfriend to death; no word on if she will have to relinquish her beauty crown, but I am pretty sure she will have to give up the title of Miss Congeniality.

I need a new drug
*Al Gore's son, Albert Gore III, was charged with possession of marijuana. Marijuana makes you mellow and lethargic, if he's Gore's kid he should be charged with taking the wrong drug. That kid should be on speed.

Can you imagine his dad, Al Gore, stoned? "Oh my God, Al's dead. He's not moving. Wait. No, he's just stoned. Whew." Talk about a buzz kill.

A sure sign
*Another commercial pilot was arrested for attempting to fly drunk, this time on Virgin Atlantic Airways in Washington. You now how they knew he was drunk? When he got on the plane he said; "When do we eat? I'm starving for some airline food."

Follow my lead
*Am I the only one who is sick of hearing how hard it was for poor Renee Zellweger to put on 30 pounds for "Bridget Jones" sequel? Hey Renee, just hang out with me for the Holidays: Halloween candy, Thanksgiving, Christmas Parties, it ain't that tough to gain thirty pounds, sugar britches.

Location, location, location
*Did you check out the nasty spider hole Saddam Hussein crawled out of? Here's my question: How bad were the spider holes Saddam turned down for that one?

How do you go shopping for a spider hole? "We're looking for a spider hole with a southern exposure, you know, something with good Fung Shei."

We good like that
*Boxing promoter Don King announced he is traveling to Iraq. King thinks he is going on a morale- boosting mission. Truth is, we are going to replace the wild-haired slimey weasel we plucked out of their hole with one of ours. It's like replacing a divot in golf.

So sad
*Did you see that interview of Joe Namath on ESPN Saturday night? Joe tipsily offered to kiss interviewer Suzy Kolby three times. For those of us who grew up believing Joe Namath was the ultimate stud, it was like seeing Eric Clapton wearing a sombrero playing in a Mariachi band at El Torrito.

Take it from me, Russizzle
Congratulations to Russell Crowe and his wife Danielle Spencer, they had a baby boy, Charles Spencer Crowe. As a new Dad, the only thing Russell will be Master and Commander of is the diaper Genie.

No new post today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I caught my lovely daughter's flu. Oh well, better me than her. She is fine now.