“We had him back when he decided he wanted to be somebody,” Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paul Newman’s character about Robert Shaw’s character in “The Sting.”

Former imprisoned baseball player, Lenny “Nails” Dykstra, 53, admitted he turns tricks as a male prostitute. His nickname “Nails” is now what he urinates. 

To our Canadian friends, Happy Canada Day. If Donald Trump wins we will all be neighbors. (Yes, this is an obvious joke) 

Following the Brexit, Britain’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, resigned. Not to sound like an uniformed American, but when did Prime Minister Hugh Grant from “Love Actually” resign?

To be candid, I do not think Donald Trump understands why England is leaving the European Union. Today Trump said he thinks Britain and the United Kingdom should leave too. 

The movie “Sully” is coming about how Capt. “Sully” Sullenberger landed his stricken US Airways plane on the Hudson River. New facts emerge that US Airways tried to blame “Sully.” Not only that, they tried to fine “Sully” for piloting a boat on the Hudson without a license. 

Donald Trump used $12,000 of charity money to buy a signed Tim Tebow helmet. Which is really silly when you consider Trump already wears a perfectly good helmet. 

As far as his comeback, Tiger Woods has said, “I am working my tail off.” If you ask me, it is both sexist and pejorative to use the term “tail” to describe a Waffle House waitress. 

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the President of France. You know Donald Trump is a blowhard when he is considered too rude for France.

Our on time is on time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Not sure Donald Trump is up to speed on this Brexit/European Union thing. He’s hoping three other countries leave the EU, Netherlands, Holland and the Dutch.  

Donald Trump reiterated his support of water boarding. Trump is as good at diplomacy as dogs are at sarcasm. 

Donald Trump reiterated his support of water boarding. Don’t you love it when an swollen, orange marshmallow like Trump acts tough? It’s like when they dress a dog up as a professor. 

A survey shows that 39% of New Yorkers admit to masturbating at work. And, after reading this survey, 100% of New Yorkers are going to start bringing Purell to work. 

Asked to comment, a New Yorker said, “Admit to masturbating at work? Oh, no, I won’t admit to it.” 

The other 61% did not respond to the survey because they were in the bathroom. 

A survey shows that 39% of New Yorkers admit to masturbating at work. What is really scary is that is just a survey of the cab drivers and the subway train engineers. 

Former London mayor, Boris Johnson, said he will not run for Prime Minister of England. He will, however, run for the title of Oldest Looking Bratty Toddler. 

“Tramps Against Trump” are women who send nude selfies to people who promise not to vote for Trump. Here’s my question: If this worked, wouldn’t Bush have won? 

“Tramps Against Trump” are women who send nude selfies to people who promise not to vote for Trump. Don’t worry. They still have “Hookers for Hillary” who were former “Whores for Gore.” 

In West Hollywood, a gay English “YouTube” star, Calum McSwiggan, was arrested for vandalism and then faked a hate crime attack. Police released McSwiggan after concluding it was traumatic enough to grow up gay with the name McSwiggan. 

People still talking about the impassioned speech at the BET Awards by Jesse Williams on white people stealing from black culture. Personally, I think he’s right. Those Opeys be straight up frontin', yo. Word.

The reports of Mike Tyson giving a speech at the RNC for Donald Trump are false. Or as Mike Tyson calls the reports, “Absholutely ludichrish.” 

A porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches a porn video. Charlie Sheen has already generated $50,000. 

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, has signed a $140 mil. six-year contract, the biggest ever. My hope is this helps to make up for the sting of Luck not utilizing his Stanford Architecture Design degree. 

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, has signed a $140 mil. six-year contract, the biggest ever. In a related story, Johnny Manziel’s credit card was declined at a bar in Mexico. 

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, has signed a $140 mil. six-year contract, the biggest ever. Just when you thought Johnny Manziel’s agent could not feel any worse. 

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, has signed a $140 mil. six-year contract. This should make up for the gig he lost acting on those Geico caveman commercials. 

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, has signed a $140 mil. six-year contract. To which Luck’s mom said, “Fine, Andrew, but what happens after six years? You’ll need a real job.” 

“Orange is the New Black” spoiler alert, beloved character, Poussey Washington, played by Samira Wiley, died. The cause of death is believed to be “Her agent’s unreasonable demands.” 

Caitlyn Jenner told a magazine Donald Trump would be better for women’s issues than Hillary Clinton. The magazine was this month’s issue of “Shut Up About Women If You Still Have a Penis” journal.

A study claims Florida has the worst drivers. Yeah, I read this story on my iPhone while texting someone while driving 100 mph on the 405. 

After Mike Tyson endorsed him, Donald Trump said all the tough guys like him. Donald Trump has to be the toughest guy in the world who wet his bed every night his first year away at military school. 

Miss Teen USA has eliminated the swimsuit competition. “Oh, that’s too bad,” said the creepiest guys in the entire country.

Trump University is being investigated for fraud. In hindsight maybe they should have suspected something when you could graduate with a degree in Ponzi.  

Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, built a stone wall around his property in Kauai that blocks his neighbor’s view of the ocean. And he got Donald Trump to get Mexico to pay for it.  

In Switzerland, a shop will offer oral sex with their coffee. Just remember to order the Venti Kardashian-oh. 

In Switzerland, a shop will serve oral sex with the coffee. This is not new in France. You could always get oral sex with your coffee at the Paris Hilton. 

A Seattle man was arrested trying to scan his penis at a grocery store. Even worse, his penis was so small, it did not count as one of his 12 items or less.

In WA, a bear broke into a campground, drank 36 beers and passed out. More bad news for the bear. He got cut by the Cleveland Browns. 

A study claims Florida has the worst drivers while New York has the rudest. Or something like that, I couldn’t hear it well on my car radio because of all the gunfire exchanged on the LA freeway. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to have my 405 road rage gunshot wound attended to. 

A study claims Florida has the worst drivers while New York has the rudest. The writer ended the study when an L.A. driver ran him off the road with his Tesla. 

This weekend, Bernie Sanders’s press secretary left the campaign. It was sad. Bernie yelled, “Who needs you? I can talk to Western Union by myself.” 

This weekend, Bernie Sanders’s press secretary left the campaign. It was sad. He took his stone tablets and chisels with him. 

In Euro 2016, Iceland defeated England 2-1. Afterwards England voted to ban ice. 

A parrot may be brought in to testify in a Detroit murder case. The case is “The People Vs. Polly who may or may not want a cracker.” 

30 people were treated for burned feet at a Tony Robbins hot coal walk. In addition, 30 attorneys suffered strained hamstrings sprinting after those 30 people. 

If, god forbid, video emerges of Donald Trump harming kittens. Trump’s followers would applaud Trump for standing up to the psycho fanatics in PETA. 

“David Cameron stepping down should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s as if an ice-cream cone flew into your hand because the child holding it got hit by a car. I’ll eat it, but it’s tainted somehow.”  

Jon Oliver's brutally funny line on Brexit.