Seriously, a nut-less monkey, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A pink pill designed to be a female Viagra to boost sex drive in women failed in two FDA tests. Don’t we already have a drug that boosts the sex drive in women? It’s called Vodka.

The pill didn’t come close to the two standards in boosting a women’s sex drive: a Johnny Mathis song and diamond earrings.


A man in Indonesia was arrested for having sex with a cow, but he claims the cow initiated the sex. How could a cow initiate sex? That is (wait for it) udderly ridiculous.




The NFL held a seminar this month at Johns Hopkins University on concussions. What they discovered is concussions in the NFL are so bad many players cannot remember the words: “Stay the hell out of strip clubs.”

Tennessee Titan QB, Vince Young, was charged with assault for fighting in a Dallas strip club; apparently this bar really put the-you-know-what in Titan.

Tennessee Titan QB Vince Young was filmed being in a brawl at a strip club. Or as Ben Roethlisberger calls it: Friday night.


Researches have discovered male fat is different from female fat. Male fat thinks it looks fine when it sucks in its stomach.


To give you an idea how annoying those World Cup plastic horn vuvuzelas are, on the annoying scale they are somewhere between Flo the Progressive Insurance lady and Jehovah’s witnesses.


An 87-year-old San Antonio man is attempting to break his age group record in the pole vault. The existing 87-year-old pole vault record was set at: Still pole vaulting.


Tennessee Titan QB Vince Young was filmed in a brawl at a strip club. What is the big deal with strip clubs and NFL players? So guys drink champagne and beautiful women drenched in perfume take of their clothes and dance on their lap and wave their, OK, never mind, I got it.


All the celebrities at the Los Angeles Lakers games proves Hollywood is high school with money. I just thought it was a little mean after the game when Seth Green asked Paris Hilton to the prom, she laughed in his face and gave him a wedgie in front of the cheerleaders.


There is an axiom in Hollywood that you can tell how hot someone’s career is by how close they sit to the floor at Los Angeles Lakers games. This can’t be good for Pauly Shore, not only couldn’t he get tickets, the Lakers told Pauly he couldn’t turn the Laker game on his TV.


Celebrities at the Los Angeles Lakers games proves Hollywood is high school with money. Leonardo DiCaprio is the one cool kid from the drama department, David Arquette is the class clown hanging with the cool kids and Jack Nicholson is the Godfather of the cool kids


Seven Eleven has their own wine. In fact, Consumer Report just gave Seven Eleven’s Chardonnay a top rating. Apparently it goes wonderfully with beef jerky and utter despair.

Since you asked:

Man, did the Lakers win ring hollow. It makes some of those bloodless and corporate 49er Super Bowls look like a World Cup upset. The Lakers have so much talent, but they only do enough to win – besides the awesome Derek Fisher. Kobe looks like he could fall asleep out there.

So, yes, Kobe is a great player, Kobe is a lock for the Hall of Fame, but please do not compare Kobe to Michael Jordan. You can’t even compare him to Magic Johnson. As we saw in that hard-to-watch final game, the level of play isn’t even close to Magic’s standards.

There are some die-hard Lakers fans who grew up in Los Angeles with the Jerry West/Gail Goodrich/Wilt teams and continued the love affair with Magic and Jabbar. But even those fans aren’t crowing like they used to in the Eighties.

Believe me, I know what it feels like to love and die for a team, both playing on one and watching one. Those celebrity Lakers fans act like they care – that’s what most of them do for a living – they may even think they care, but they don’t give a crap about the Lakers. Those stars are at the Lakers game to be seen. Period.

So even the Lakers fans don’t care that much about this Lakers team.

If sexiness was food, you’d be bacon, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It’s high school graduation time. This is a very exciting time for senior boys, especially if they didn’t get their teacher pregnant after the prom.


Researches have discovered male fat is different from female fat. Male fat is primarily caused by drinking beer. And if guys drink enough beer, they can make female fat virtually disappear.


Did you hear what happened to that snotty little British Petroleum CEO, Tony Hayward? A protestor, upset about the Gulf oil spill, dumped an entire bucket of crude oil on Hayward’s head. Now, that story is not true, but you have to admit it made you feel better.


Researches have discovered male fat is different from female fat. Male fat primarily thinks it’s just big-boned.

There are two primary culprits in the creation of female fat. Their names are Ben & Jerry.

There are two primary culprits in the creation of male fat. Their names are Bud and Weiser.


Does everyone have a bucket list? A bucket list is things you want to do before you kick the bucket and die. I have a new item on my bucket list. I am going to get a bucket, fill it with crude oil and dump the bucket of oil on BP CEO Tony Hayward’s weasel head.


In Ohio, a six-story Touchdown Jesus statue was struck by lightening and burned to the ground. That has to be the worst omen for football since a team was named the Detroit Lions.


Rumor is “Seinfeld” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” creator Larry David’s ex, Laurie, had an affair with Al Gore. Laurie met Gore at a thing, yadda, yadda, yadda, she deemed him sponge-worthy.

Since you asked:

My text: AC (My 11-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline) Graduated 6th grade with 3 X A+’s and 1 X A and voted Best Female Athlete.

My Buddy Ron’s text: Good thing her mother is an athlete.

My Buddy Ron’s text: Riley (his 16-year-old daughter) has a 4.25 GPA and voted Cheerleading captain.

My text: Good thing Riley’s mother isn’t a stupid douche bag.

Guys being guys. Isn’t it great?

Hey, I got a good idea, instead of blowing this . . .

We stankin' and flankin' all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The World Cup is great, it unites all the nations in the entire world to agree unanimously that the inventor of the plastic horn vuvuzelas should get a vicious beat-down.


Tennessee Titan QB, Vince Young, was charged with assault for fighting in a Dallas strip club; in addition he was also given the lesser charge of impersonating Ben Roethlisberger.



Sadly, Jimmy Dean passed away. When people heard a musician more famous for his sausage passed away they said; “Tommy Lee died?”


I like the World Cub, but I don’t have World Cup fever, but, thanks to those annoying plastic horn vuvuzelas, I do have World Cub earache.


I like the World Cup because you can say xenophobic things like I hate France and nobody will think less of you. Actually, you can always say I hate France and nobody will think less of you.


Tennessee Titan QB, Vince Young, was charged with assault for fighting in a Dallas strip club; Young got upset because Ben Roethlisberger locked the door of the bathroom.


At the World Cup, one of the South African customs is to drink their local Chibuku beer from those plastic horns, the vuvuzelas. But don’t tell your doctor you had Chibuku in your vuvuzela, he’ll put you in the hospital.


Since you asked:

Today's WTF? features Megan Fox. Actually her thumbs. They say a tie is like kissing your sister, well, the US's tie with England was like kissing your sister if your sister was Megan Fox. A drunk Megan Fox. Yes, I mean slipping tongue.

But if your sister was Megan Fox you would probably also have mutant hammer toe thumbs like she does. No lie. Google Megan Fox's thumbs. Them things is so nasty.

Megan Fox's Thumbs is my new band. Shout out to the DSC. We miss you guys.

Hey to the now to the hey now now, child, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


US Geologists discovered mineral deposits in Afghanistan worth possibly three trillion dollars. You’ve heard of “The Beverly Hillbillies.” This will be “The Malibu Mullahs.”


In the World Cup, how about that US 1-1 tie against England? Normally a tie is like kissing your sister. This tie was like kissing your sister if your sister was a drunk Megan Fox.


How about that US 1-1 tie against England? I don’t want to say England’s goalie blew it, but afterwards he was named an honorary New York Met.


In the World Cup, how about that US 1-1 tie against England? I don’t want to say England’s goalie blew it, but it looked like he forgot goalies can use their hands.


How about that US 1-1 tie against England? When that US goal dribbled past their goalie, US soccer fans lit up like Lindsay Lohan’s ankle bracelet at last call.


The New York Knicks are still trying to woo LeBron James to play for them. It doesn’t look good though, mostly because LeBron thinks the Knicks LeBlow.


Have you seen the World Cup games? Can you believe the incessant annoying noise of those plastic horns, the vuvuzelas? They actually make NBA thunder-sticks look like a good idea.


Have you seen the World Cup games? Can you believe the incessant annoying noise of those plastic horns, the vuvuzelas? These horns are great because we American sports fans didn’t think 0-0 games were quite annoying enough.


A lot going on in sports. The baseball season is heating up, soccer has the World Cup, the US Open is this week in golf, in the NFL the Cincinnati Bengals are posting bail.


Have you seen the World Cup? Can you believe the incessant noise of those plastic horns, the vuvuzelas? These things are so bad they could even make Philadelphia Phillies fans more annoying.


Sadly, Jimmy Dean passed away. He was a musician most famous for his sausage. When people heard a musician famous for his sausage passed away they said; “Tommy Lee died?”


US Geologists discovered mineral deposits in Afghanistan worth possibly three trillion dollars. Upon hearing this, a Taliban member said; “You spoiled American dogs think we can be bought . . . wait, did you say trillion? With a T? Woo who. It is being hello new Mercedes time for Akbar.”


Since you asked:

Tonight I am grilling fish tacos with mango/avocado salsa. That’s right, Slattesses and Nuggetarios, it done up and be Tuesday Taco night at Casa Del Lexicalle. Smoke and grilled halibut with shredded cabbage, cheese and Spanish rice and mango/avocado salsa and chopped cilantro on a grilled flour tortilla.

Make you wanna go and up and slap Mammacita is what it make you wanna do.

And hay nan nanny and a hah cha cha.

This is my band, The Snoring Puppies, second album cover

An 87-year-old San Antonio man is attempting to break his age group record in the pole vault; just imagine how proud his parents are?



President Barack Obama said he is studying the Gulf oil leak so he’ll know whose ass to kick. We like President Obama, but on a 70’s show toughness scale, isn’t Obama closer to Urkel than Mr. T?



President Barack Obama said he is studying the Gulf oil leak so he’ll know whose ass to kick. OK, easy tough guy, remember we’ve seen how you bowl and throw out a first pitch.



President Barack Obama said he is studying the Gulf oil leak so he’ll know whose ass to kick. Pretty bold stuff from a guy living with his mother-in-law.



In Boston, the LA Lakers beat the Celtics 91-84 to go up 2-1 in the NBA finals. You know what I love about NBA games? When they introduce the home team: the lights start to flash and sirens scream. It’s like Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol detection ankle bracelet in a nightclub.



There is a lot of unhappiness over the Adidas ball chosen for the World Cup. Some players think it looks plastic, others don’t like the way it bounces and American sports fans said: “What’s with the weird looking volley ball?”



President Barack Obama said he is studying the Gulf oil leak so he’ll know whose ass to kick. As presidential lines go it’s not exactly “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” is it?



The San Francisco area voted for a new football stadium, but there is a debate over whether it should be in San Francisco or nearby Santa Clara. Of course, for the 49ers to win another Super Bowl they should build it in 1985.



On this date in 1973, Secretariat won horse racing’s Triple Crown. It was the greatest performance by a horse until Sarah Jessica Parker in “Sex in the City 2.”



A doctor told the Argentina men’s soccer team it’s OK to have sex during the World Cup. This isn’t going to endear soccer to homophobic American sports fans. Oh, they can have sex with their wives or girlfriends? Oh, sorry.