Friday, September 04, 2009

The awesome Tina Fey, not Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin is in Asia giving speeches. It was a little awkward when she was asked if she would visit Thailand, Palin said;

"Oh, yeah, sure, you betchya, Todd could use a few more ties."

I tell ya, something has to be done about health care. For my annual checkup, my HMO sent me to the Minneapolis Airport to get X-Rays in the security line and then into the bathroom for a prostate exam from ex- Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

The Arkansas Duggars are expecting their 19th child. So, between them, the Octomom and Jon and Kate Gosselin, we're just giving in to the fact the world is being totally repopulated by douche-bags?

Thursday, September 03, 2009

This is the hilarious Janice Hough's joke:

Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill.
And then some things are both scary and a lot of fun to joke about
On Twitter, "Sports Illustrated's" Peter King said Michael Vick will wed his longtime girlfriend in the Spring. In a related story, the over and under in Las Vegas on the number of honeymoon doggy style jokes? 327.

College football has begun. Some of my favorite memories are going to Northwestern on gorgeous Fall days with my Dad. I was too young to make jokes about Dyche Stadium.

Or sitting in the kitchen watching a college football game on TV with my Dad on a cold, rainy day while slurping hot Campbell's tomato soup and eating a PB&J with milk.

I miss my Dad - and my Mom - every day.
Some things are beautiful just because they are

Some things are beautiful just because they are

If y'all see Anna Faris, tell a beyahatch to call a brother, that slam and scram mess don't play up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A watchdog committee gave a scathing report on the SEC's pathetic investigation of Bernie Madoff. Not to put too fine a point on it, but apparently it is hard to investigate someone when you are busy smooching their butt.

Today they are going to finally bury Michael Jackson, nine weeks after he passed. Suddenly I don't feel so bad about leaving the recyclable bin out an extra two days.

You won't believe who turned 36 this summer. Monica Lewinski. She celebrated the usual way by sucking out her birthday cake candles and playing pin-the-semen-sample-on-the-donkey.

You won't believe who turned 36 this summer. Monica Lewinski. Only 33 more years to go until I can make a 69 joke about her birthday.

Health officials say the best way to not get swine flu is to avoid all human contact. Suddenly Dick Cheney doesn't seem so crazy, does he?

The good news? Drinking alcohol can lower your risk of getting Alzheimer's disease. The bad news? You're gonna remember all the stupid crap you do when you got drunk.

Women's 800 World Champion, Caster Semenya is undergoing thorough sex evaluation tests. They poked her, they prodded her, they pulled her, they pricked her, hell, she signed up to come back next week.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

The women's World Champion 800 meter winner, South Africa's Caster Semenya, is undergoing many medical tests to determine if she is a woman. Not to be mean, but if you have to undergo any medical test, let alone many, to determine if you are a woman, you are not a woman.

Having said that, looking closely at the Lycra shorts in this photo, if Caster is a man, she is a very unhappy man. And so is his girlfriend.
Tragic news: Spencer and Heidi found beaten by a shovel within an inch of their lives by a drifter; that story isn't true, but don't tell me an evil part of you did not enjoy it a little bit.

The Duggars are expecting again, this time #19. In a related story, Mrs. Duggar's was the first uterus to have a fire department declare an occupancy maximum.

The Duggars are expecting again, this time #19 all named starting with the letter J. The last two were named Jeeeze-doc-are-you-kidding? and Just-sew-it-up-I'm-serious.

Sharon Stone -at age 51 - posed topless for the cover of the magazine "Paris Match." It is pretty good, but, at her age, to see her boobs, the cover had to feature an under-flap.

Let's play a rousing game of:

Words you don't want associated with your name in a news story:

Person of interest.

Grand jury.

Body exhumed.

Sexual predator's list.

Rescue has been re-named a recovery.

Neighbors were shocked.

Without pants.

And that is how we play:

Words you don't want associated with your name in a news story.

(Polite applause)

KFC has a new bacon and cheese sandwich with battered fried chicken replacing the bread. Oww, ouch, whoa, I just got chest pains from writing about that thing.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Some things are beautiful just because they are

A study by the Center for Disease Control says 10% of binge drinkers will drive after drinking; one leading expert feels this could be due to the fact that most taverns, nightclubs and bars are not located inside people's homes.

Trade rumors swirl on Chicago Cub ace, Rich Harden, which would mean the Cubs throwing in the towel on the season. But, if there is no trade, even six games out of the wild card race this late, I believe the Cubs can make the post season, and not only go to the World Series, but this is their year to win it all, hah, hah, hah, oh, my, I thought I could make it without laughing.

. . . or cuter than this?

Brett Favre had a busy first game with the Minnesota Vikings in their 17-10 pre-season win over the Houston Texans. Favre threw a touchdown pass, was sacked and possibly broke a rib, threw an illegal crackback block that injured an opponent and retired and un-retired three times.

There was an awkward moment when, at the post game press conference,
Favre wandered in and asked "Now why did I come in here again?"

Chris Brown told Larry King he can't remember hitting
Rihanna. To which Larry King announced he can't remember who Chris Brown is.

Chris Brown told Larry King he can't remember hitting
Rihanna. You've heard of Alzheimer's disease? Apparently Brown has I'll-slam-her disease.

Reporters say Barack Obama's hair is getting grayer. On vacation, the guy bowls, plays golf and bocce ball, the rest of him is getting whiter, why not his hair?

Paula Abdul hired a new business manager who promptly lost her deal with "American Idol" and booked her an act in Las Vegas performing her hits. This just in: Paula Abdul needs to fire her new business manager.

Since you asked:

Finally found a way to lose weight that I can stick to. I am going to be a vegetarian and quit drinking entirely (pause for my friends to feint and then get back up) until Six PM. Just cereal, yogurt, fruit, veggies and nuts snacked on during the day - as I hate sitting down for lunch, this is a no-brainer - but I love to grill and cook a good dinner, especially after a workout. And have a few glasses of wine.

This does not mean I go crazy every night. Mostly grilled chicken and fish with a few good steaks tossed in there. Lots of rice and salad.

The only time this might change is after I go surfing. Not sure if I can wait until Six for a beer and some killer Mexican food. And then a margarita. Or more.

Megan Fox says she is insecure about her looks. Whereas I am totally secure about my looks. This just in: there is officially no connection between how you look and being secure about your looks.
More of the haunted Houdini ruins in Laurel Canyon.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Again, this is not me, but it could be me in a this-could-never-be-me kind of fashion

Let's hear it for those Chula Vista Park View All Stars, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Vice President Joe Biden spoke to the Little League World Series winners from California. These kids want this memory to last forever, and listening to Joe Biden talk is a good way to make it seem like forever.

The most amazing part about the Little League World Series ABC broadcast? How that annoying interviewer from "Hanna Montana", Moises Arias, did not end up being hung by a locker hook from his Spiderman underpants. Nice restraint, players.

Moises Arias and Luke Rameriz are a glaring example of how there are kids Disney executives think kids think are cool, and then there are kids kids actually think are cool.

They are currently testing to see if the women's World Championship 800 meter winner, South Africa's Castor Semenya, is a woman. It's the same test they run on Ryan Seacrest.

So far the test is not looking good for Semenya, they found semen in her last name. Plus she got lost on the way to the lab and didn't stop and ask for directions.

Madonna is reportedly addicted to running and is training for a six day, 150 mile ultra marathon race. Prior to this Madonna was just hooked on running her mouth.

KFC has a new bacon and cheese sandwich where they have replaced the bread with battered fried chicken. It's called the new atherosclerosis-lovers sandwich.

British police are going to re investigate the 1969 death of Rolling Stone Brian Jones as a murder. When they are done with that, they will also reexamine the death of Keith Richards.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A nice guy who we all liked and trained with at UCSB. This was a senseless murder. Dave Laut, Rest In Peace.