Thursday, June 11, 2015

One of the escaped murderers in upstate New York is reportedly well-endowed. Police are now on the lookout for a man who is armed, dangerous and quite Conan-like.

As great as Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, was at the Belmont Stakes, he would have lost, in 1973, to Secretariat by 15 lengths.  To put 15 lengths in perspective, that is over ten Kim Kardashian asses.  

The cover of “Sports Illustrated” is Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, at the wire and hundreds of spectators taking pictures with their phones. When I told my 16-year-old nephew there were no cell phone pictures taken of Triple Crown winner Secretariat, he asked; “Why?  Didn’t anybody like Secretariat?”

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

This right here a Wally-dog look-alike . . . 

For those who still think steroids don't have much of an impact

An NBC sports executive asked the NHL players to shave off their playoff beards. That’s nothing: a FIFA executive asked soccer players to shave their points. 

For Kanye West’s birthday, Kim Kardashian rented the Staples Center complete with the Lakers girls. It was just like a real Lakers game except the Kardashian sisters did not sleep with as many NBA players afterwards.

The US women’s team beat Australia 3-1 in the FIFA World Cup. It was exciting, there was a FIFA executive at the game who throw out the first bribe.

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

In Pakistan, two suicide bombers got in a fight and one accidentally blew himself up. When your job description is suicide bomber and you can’t get along with your coworkers? You may have interpersonal issues.

The White House pressroom was briefly evacuated following a bomb threat. It was scary. Apparently Joe Biden threatened to do a ten-minute stand up routine. 

This weekend in Los Angeles people got to meet famous Internet cats at the first ever CatCon. That sounds so sad and pathetic I had to stop knitting my dog Wally's World’s Greatest Dog sweater.

The NFL cancelled Tony Romo’s Fantasy Football Convention in Las Vegas. Romo then tried to pass the convention on to a teammate, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Apparently the NFL did not approve of gambling possibly interfering with drunk driving and domestic abuse.