According to the Neilson ratings, Donald Trump’s hosting of “Saturday Night Live” drew 9.3 million viewers. Or as Trump calls that: 9.3 billion viewers. 

Researchers have published a letter written by a Harvard student in 1743 asking his parents for money. Fortunately, Larry King’s parents said yes. 

During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said; “We need more welders than philosophers.” This upset the philosophers so much they had to quit their Starbucks shift early.  

Dr. Ben Carson is being protected by the Secret Service. Carson’s Secret Service codename is: Sleepy Urkel.

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Baby Hitler sez:

"Ickey crikey von Nike schnikey."