What the hell,
why Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
Kim Kardashian denied rumors
of a divorce from Kanye West. When asked if her denial was vehement, Kim said;
“No, occasionally I still eat meat.”
Today a California man went
to claim his winning $1 mil. Powerball lottery prize, but realized he lost his
ticket. Friday the 13th just took on new meaning for that guy.
Comedian Will Farrell set a
record for charity by playing for ten Major League teams at ten different
positions in one day. It would have been 11 teams, but one of them was the New
York Mets, so it didn’t count.
Kim Kardashian has vehemently
denied rumors of a divorce with Kanye West, even though Kim has no idea what
the word vehemently means.
Kim Kardashian has vehemently
denied rumors of a divorce with Kanye West. So that means they are getting
divorced.
In an attempt to have a
second child, Kim Kardashian says she and Kanye West are having sex “500 times
a day.” That is not a happy exaggeration. Saying ten times a day would be a
happy exaggeration, saying 500 times a day means you’re miserable.
A contestant on Jeopardy,
Kristen Sausville, ended up in final Jeopardy by herself. Brings back bad
memories of my prom.
In South Africa, the world’s
first fully successful penis transplant occurred to a 21-year-old man. The
penis transplant is new so they have not agreed on the medical term yet, but some
of the leading candidates are:
An attachadicktome.
A reverse Jenner.
Benedicting his Cumberbatch
Adelling his Dazeem
Putting Willy’s Wanka back in
the Factory.
“Toy Story 5: Woody’s
Comeback.”
Lexervations:
Is it possible
to feel older than when the online tabloid headline screams:
“Rapper Lil’
Zunker Q breaks up with singer Sleazealia,”
And you have no
idea who either are?
Admiration with
zero appreciation? Thy name is Madonna.
Has your drunk
you ever written a note to your sober me it couldn’t read? “Flind zah weeas
shtantss vassa hangingshank.”
Maybe this is
the dad of a teenage daughter talking, but Taylor Swift is as beautiful and pretty
as a woman can be without the slightest trace of hot.
How are
celebrities who are so talented and also so great at being a celebrity as
Taylor Swift, Will Farrell, Tom Hanks, George Clooney, Matthew McCanaughey and
Will Smith? And the least talented, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kristen
Stewart, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Bruce and Kris Jenner, how are they so horrible at
being celebrities? The people who should
be the most gracious of their celebrity are the least and vice versa.
“E” announces
they will not make a docuseries on the sexual transition of Bruce Jenner for
three reasons. A, Bruce just had that awful car crash. B, Bruce wants to
educate his kids on the transition first. And C, and most importantly, Bruce
Jenner’s personality is so wildly unlikeable nobody would watch it.
If you like
witty and funny sitcoms, you should see “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, if you
liked “30 Rock,” you have to see “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.” You can feel Tina
Fey’s brilliant fingerprints all over it. Kimmy said the worst thing that will
ever happen to her (being abducted into a apocalypse cult) happened on her
front lawn.
The worst thing
that ever happened to Tina Fey – her face getting slashed by a crazy man when
she was in kindergarten – happened in the alley behind her house.
Not just because
I am a woefully underpaid comedy writer, I will never understand the financial
workings of comedy.
One of the best
stand up performers I have ever seen, Marc Maron, until his booming success
recently, a year ago, Maron was living in a tiny house with bars in the window
in a sketchy part of Highland Park outside of LA. And he was making podcasts in
his garage. Yes he had a destructive period with booze and cocaine, but he has
been sober for over a decade.
Meanwhile, the
scotch-swilling, constantly cigar-smoking, Ron White, while also a highly
talented comedian, owns two mansions, one in L.A. and one in Atlanta, and his
own private jet. And he parties on 150 foot yachts in Monaco with Dr. Phil.
Dr. Ben Carson
is a full-blown idiot. Your sexuality finds you. You have little or no choice
over it. That’s is why my brother was homosexual and I am a raving
heterosexual.
When you are 13
and Miss Golden’s miniskirt causes you a 48-hour erection, that is not by
choice.
As I get older,
my need to trust the judgment of my sphincter is increasing at the same rate my
trust in the judgment of my sphincter is decreasing.
