Chanukah broke my autocorrect. I tried to put a J in there somewhere.

The number of states where Chipotles are closed due to E. Coli has increased from six to nine. Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, is terrified this will result in E. Coli-phobia. 

Following her humiliating knockout by Holly Holm, Ronda Rousey attended a Marine Ball. There was an awkward moment when the first dance was “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” 

An ESPN clip showed Atlanta Hawk, Jeff Teague, arriving for a game picking his nose, rolling it and flicking. Apparently NBA stands for Nose Biscuits Aloft.

Eagles - Doolin Dalton & Doolin-Dalton/Desperado Reprise (Live)

It is officially the holidays. Got cut-off and flipped-offed by a guy in a BMW wearing a Santa Hat. Why is it always BMW drivers?

An ESPN clip showed Atlanta Hawk, Jeff Teague, arriving for a game picking his nose, rolling it and flicking. Apparently NBA stands for Nose Bats Aloft.

Cornell scientists made puppies using test tubes. To which every manager of every over-crowded animal shelter said; “What the hell?”

A Hong Kong billionaire is offering $128 million to the man who marries his pretty daughter. The problem? His daughter is a lesbian. So, to be clear, guys, the problem is there is no problem. 

The top ISIS financial figure was killed by US airstrikes. More proof that money cannot buy happiness. They put the ISIS in financial crisis.

Donald Trump told “People” he was good at sports. In fact he usually beat all the kids his dad paid to lose to him.

Here is my buddy, Woody's bunker buddy

We tryin' to get all Coasty up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For the next debate, Donald Trump demanded $5 mil. from CNN then agreed to do it for nothing. Pretty much the same negotiation tactics I used for my salary on this blog.

Justin Bieber asked for his fan’s help to help identify Instagram picture of a young girl he fell in love with. It was awkward when the picture turned out to be one of Justin. 

Donald Trump has called a ban of all Muslims coming to the US. In addition, Trump plans to personally stop the Whos in Whoville from having Christmas. 

Donald Trump has called a ban of all Muslims coming to the US. Then, when somebody wished Trump Merry Christmas, Trump replied; “Christmas is a Humbug.” 

The 4-8 Dallas Cowboys are one game out of first place. Nobody has performed this badly and been near first place since, well, Donald Trump.

The hometown of new UFC champ, Holly Holm, Albuquerque, NM, held a parade for Holly. There were so many people there, during the parade not one meth lab blew up. 

Kim  Kardashian and Kanye West banned all cameras during the birth of their baby Saint. They’re old fashioned, they only believe in filming the conception. 

“Why ban Muslin? It is a light, comfortable fabric perfect for California. Ban corduroy.” Kris Jenner unclear on Trump’s ban on Muslims. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby Saint West. That is a pretty great name. Man did this kid dodge the North, Tulip, Squid, Gristle celebrity name bullet. Oh, and Bullet. 

Ted Cruz’s Princeton college dorm mates are ratting-out Cruz as creepy and smelly in college. Dirt from college roommates, reason #932 I am not running for president. 

(For Sweet Lew, the Saint and the Flash. Ah yes, white foam, ah yes)

Nike has just signed LeBron James to a deal estimated to be half a billion dollars. To give you an idea how much that is, LeBron can now afford to adopt all the little Asian children who are making his Nike shoes. 

Since you asked:

Often times the world is divided by feelings of Coasty and feelings of Sketchy. 

Coasty is when you like something right away instinctively A song, a great sandwich. The smell of popcorn in a movie theater. Freshly cut grass. That feeling when you walk into a great dive bar filled with wonderful people just like you. When you catch a wave. An amazing sunset. Taking a nap. The first look at a gorgeous painting. That happy snoring noise your dog makes when you scratch him just right behind the ears. Fry a perfect fried egg. Marinated meat sizzling on an oak fire grill. First sip of a great margarita. 

Sketchy is when you are sitting in a classroom with no idea what the hell everyone is talking about until you figure out you're in the wrong class. Doing your taxes. When your computer freezes. When you don't realize the movie you're watching is in another language. When your credit card is turned down. A marketing caller pretending to be a friend.The government clerk who is giving you the run-around just for the fun of it. The cop who is going to give you a ticket even though he pulled you over by mistake. A red light on your car panel. The douche-bag staring down at their cell phone in the car ahead of you when the light changes to green. You tap your horn so you don't miss the green, they give you the finger. 

So let's play a lightening round of:

Coasty or Sketchy

Jennifer Lawrence? Coasty.

Kristen Stewart? Sketchy

NFL refs? Sketchy

Tay-Tay McSqueeze? (Taylor Swift) Coasty 

Justin Bieber? Do I have to say it? Sketchy.

Keith Richards? Coasty.

Nike? Sketchy

Our long wait is over. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their baby boy Saint West. Much better name than their first idea: Cosby Sheen West. 

New report reveals vegetarians are more likely to have mental problems. And not just because they’re crazy not to eat meat.

In his oval office speech, President Obama attempted to reassure Americans since the terrorist attack. He assured democrats by promising gun laws. He assured republicans by reminding them he cannot get reelected. 

For the next debate, Donald Trump demanded $5 mil. from CNN then agreed to do it for nothing. Pretty much the same negotiation tactic I used for my salary on this blog.

The hometown of new UFC champ, Holly Holm, Albuquerque, NM, held a parade for Holly. There were so many people there, during the parade not one meth lab blew up. 

Donald Trump wants to ban Muslims from traveling to the US. In a related story, Trump's chances of getting a cab in New York have just evaporated.

This just in:


Jimmy Carter declared brain-cancer free. Such great news it almost makes up for there being a new Kardashian.

It was awkward when they asked Kim if her baby inherited her big ass, she said;

"Yes, he does resemble Kanye."




Big fan of San Diego Charger, Phillip Rivers, but watching him scramble is the NFL equivalent of the dream where you cannot make it to your final exam. 

Coasty, coasty, coasty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Morgan Freeman is OK after his jet crash-landed in Mississippi after blowing a tire. It did get ugly when the other passengers had to tell Morgan to stop narrating the crash. 

Donald Trump demanded $5 mil. from CNN for the next debate, but now he said he will do it for free. Finally we get to see some of that incredible four-bankruptcy negotiating skills.

In Las Vegas, you can place bets on the eventual name of Kim Kardashian’s baby. Not getting a lot of betting action are the names Isis, Bieber and Cosby. 

When they asked Kylie Jenner for a comment about Kim Kardashian’s baby she said she had nothing to say. Apparently Kylie and Kim’s relationship is scarier than Caitlyn Jenner driving to a shoe sale. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye had a baby boy. It was awkward when they asked Kim if the baby was born Cesarean and she said “No, I’m Armenian.” 

Since you asked:

Anytime I am about to criticize someone’s appearance, besides Trump, I just have to think back to around 1978/79 when I was 18/19 and arguably the fittest and most attractive I would ever be. My body fat was so low, people who walked by me had their body fat go down. 

Starting with the feet, calf-high tube socks with the three green stripes. Thick rubber crepe-souled platform-like shoes with blue suede and rings for eyelits that Elton John would not wear. The pants were skin-tight, thin, light blue denim low-riding hip-huggers with huge elephant bell bottoms. A polyester/velour red-white and blue shirt with a zipper collar that was so short when I raised my arms it was a midriff top. My hair was shoulder-length blonde with bangs in what we would now call a mullet. 

At the time I was going for Robert Plant meets the Eagles. What I ended up with was Miss Bobby Potted-Fern and the Beagles.