Ryan Lochte announced his wife is pregnant. Once again, it happened at gunpoint in a gas station bathroom.    

"Unpresidented? Jesus, Donald, how can you be such a douse-bag?"


The inventor of the anti-choking Heimlich maneuver, Henry Heimlich, passed at 96. Sadly he died before he could help any of the Cleveland Browns.

Don’t confuse the Heimlich maneuver to the Hind-lick maneuver, that is what Chris Christie uses on Donald Trump.



Donald Trump met with ex-NFL players Jim Brown and Ray Lewis. Between the three of them there are ten sexual harassment charges, six domestic violence investigations, two murder charges . . .  and a partridge in a pear tree.

Today is National Ugly Sweater Day. Finally some good news for Bill Cosby.

Seattle unveiled their fluorescent lime green uniforms in the Seahawk’s 24-3 win over the LA Rams. Nike calls it Action Green, but my guess is either Chernobyl Guacamole, Tartar Sauce Left in the Sun or Jolly Green Giant Sinus Infection. 

Facebook announced they will be using algorithms, site users and journalists to stop fake news. Also they will use space aliens to destroy fake news with their laser eyes. 

Ex-Atlanta Falcon star, Jamal Anderson, exposed himself in a Georgia gas mart, but was not arrested because the clerk did not file charges. The clerk must have been impressed. Let’s just say the clerk thought Anderson used to play for the Giants.

Insiders say Donald Trump waved the Sec. of State job to Mitt Romney to torture Romney. Upon hearing this, Vladimir Putin said, “Torture with a T? That is adorable.” 

Rio fake-robbery swimmer, Ryan Lochte, said his wife is pregnant. What Ryan actually said is, “After boom-boom time, pretty lady make baby.”

Donald Trump tried tried to charm Silicon Valley. Not sure Trump gets it though. He said without Silicon, Melania's boobs would not be as big.

Blind tenor, Andrea Bocelli, has agreed to sing at the inauguration. Not sure it was done fairly. Trump told Bocelli he was Bernie Sanders.


Google claims the two most searched topics of 2016 were Hillary Clinton and Pokemon Go. Said Bill Clinton, “Name two things I don’t do anymore.” 

Paris is under siege from its worst rat infestation in decades. So Paris is filled with dirty, smelly wantonly rude vermin. And they have a lot of rats. 

Starbucks is now offering a fruitcake frappuccino. It will be as popular as its IRS Audit frappuccino and its Grandmother’s Meatloaf frappuccino.   

Donald Trump met with ex-NFL players Jim Brown and Ray Lewis. So between the three of them there were ten sexual harassment charges, six domestic violence/rape police investigations and two murder charges. They had a sensitivity awareness session. 

A Little Hoose Wit’ a Big Haaade, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Alternative title: Row-Row Gets Some Lovies
Too)

Facebook announced they will attempt to stop fake news on their social media site. In addition, Facebook said Hillary Clinton received millions of dollars in donations from ISIS. Oh, shoot. 

Cornell scientists have developed a soft, warm and sensitive robot hand. This just in: Cornell scientists need to get on Tinder.

A NASA scientist, Dr. Joseph Nuth, said earth is overdue for an annihilating asteroid. In addition, Nuth makes balloon animals and paints faces for anyone who wants to hire him for your child’s birthday party.

Trump advisor, Roger Stone, says Donald Trump dangled the Sec. of State job to torture Mitt Romney. Just one more example of white billionaire on white billionaire crime. 

It is the sixth year anniversary of Russia opening the melted-down Chernobyl nuclear plant to the public. Igor, the caretaker, gives it three thumbs up. 

It is the sixth year anniversary of Russia opening the Chernobyl Nuclear meltdown plant to the public. Igor, the caretaker, keeps a close three-eyes on the place. 

A NASA scientist, Dr. Joseph Nuth, said earth is overdue for an annihilating asteroid. Donald Trump has just named Nuth Sec. of Optimism.  

It is the sixth year anniversary of Russia opening the melted-down Chernobyl nuclear plant to the public. Yelp gives it four stars that glow in the dark. 



Since you asked:
All this hand-wringing about the Chargers’ billionaire selfish a-hole, Spanos, quitting and taking his toy North. Am I the only one who has noticed that the Rams have already pooped the “Another team moving to Los Angeles” bed?

The Rams could not have started out better in Shakey Town with tickets selling out if five seconds and a cool HBO “Hard Knocks” episode with a lovably cooky lineman who does not believe in dinosaurs. Since then the Rams have almost become as extinct as dinosaurs. 

Personally, I am old school NFL. It is great the Rams are back in Los Angeles. It would be fine with me if the Cardinals moved back to St. Louis. 

But in my opinion, not only would the Chargers fail in Los Angeles, the Ram are failing. (Although they probably will be OK) Moving the Chargers to LA would be a colossal failure.

But then I am the guy who predicted Madonna and Rap would never last.

Now, I am aware that I have poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-pooed the NFL due the their endless commercials, injuries, time outs, and penalties. And their wildly unfair pay scales giving $40 million to owner-fluffer (it’s a porn job) Roger Goodall and nothing to cheerleaders. 

But….

There have been some damn good and exciting games lately. 

Don’t Shellack The Bed Pan, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A NASA scientist, Dr. Joseph Nuth, said earth is overdue for an annihilating asteroid. And, yes, folks, Dr. Nuth is available for Bar Mitzvahs and birthday parties.

Mike Tyson is an ardent Donald Trump supporter who might get chosen for an appointment. Personally I hope Trump names Tyson as Schecretary of the Shecurity Exeschange Commischion. 

A NASA scientist, Dr. Joseph Nuth, said earth is overdue for an annihilating asteroid. Here's the good news, ladies. He’s single.

Nuth is a German word meaning: life of the party. 

Steroid cheat and whistle-blower, Jose Canseco, tweeted he wants to be Federal Reserve Chairman. Canseco just cannot put his finger on the reason why. 

I’m just afraid becoming fed chairman would give Jose a big head.


////
A newly blond Kanye West met with Donald Trump today. This should be a true meeting of the manes. 

There was a truly awkward moment when Kanye said, “This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to tap a huge ass.” 

In San Diego, a prisoner fight broke out at the George Bailey Detention Center. Apparently it’s not a wonderful life at the George Bailey Detention Center.

Apparently the Mr. Potter Detention Center is even worse. 

Who names a detention center after the character in “It’s a Wonderful Life”? These guys are in jail, they know their lives are bad. Don’t rub it in. That’s like tossing poor people in the Bill Gates Debtor’s Prison. 



Last week, a woman gave birth on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. The pilots were so shocked they almost dropped their margaritas. 



Carly Fiorina met with Donald Trump who asked about her, “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” Apparently they had serious face time because Carly came out orange.

Last week, a woman gave birth on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. Spirit Airlines charged the woman an extra passenger fee. Which is even more shocking because it happened on Southwest Airlines. 




While accepting the Billboard Women in Music “Woman of the Year” award, Madonna blasted the music business for being agist and sexist. To which the music business said, “Hey, old lady, give us back your award. "