Is it just me, or is this Kane character the unholy baby born of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Drew Carey?

Have you seen that giant chicken? There hasn’t been a chicken that big since Donald Trump used his tender little foot to get out of Vietnam.

Happy 11th birthday to Twitter. Try to imagine that, eleven years ago, if someone had a thought about the Kardashians, they had to keep it to themselves. 

In Texas, a 27-year-old pretty high school teacher, Sarah Fowlkes, could not stop smiling during her mug shot after being arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old student. She claims,as a math teacher, she was happy that he learned many times 17 can go into 27.

Former Notre Dame star, Manti Te’o, has signed a two-year deal with the New Orleans Saints. The signing was witnessed by Te’o’s business manager and Te’o’s invisible girlfriend. 

Since you asked:

Colin Kaepernick's kneeling during the anthem resulted in much-needed discussions about race. That is good.

You can say a protest during the National Anthem is not disrespectful to the military until you're blue in the face. That does not mean it is not. 

Fair or not, probably not, Colin Kaepernick is graveyard dead to the NFL.

Happy National Puppy Day. It brings me no joy - on this of all days - to announce we have the world's most duplicitous dog In Walter Payton Kaseberg. 

When I come down the stairs to make coffee, Wally does not so much as stir a muscle to greet me. But a few hours laters, when it is his chompin' breafy time, to quote George Thorogood, Lawwwd he is lovey-dovey. 

Yesterday was Barron Trump’s 11th birthday. Today is the 11th anniversary of the birth of Twitter. Accident? I don’t think so.

Chuck Berry passed away and now Chuck Barris. Would somebody please check on Chuck Norris and Chuck Taylor?

Have you seen that giant chicken? There hasn’t been a chicken that big since Donald Trump used his foot to get out of Vietnam.

Happy 11th birthday to Twitter. Try to imagine that, eleven years ago, if someone had a thought about the Kardashians, they had to keep it to themselves. 

In Texas, a 27-year-old pretty high school teacher, Sarah Fowlkes, could not stop smiling during her mug shot after being arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old student. She claims, as a math teacher, she was happy that he learned how many times 17 can go into 27.

Former Notre Dame star, Manti Te’o, has signed a two-year deal with the New Orleans Saints. The signing was witnessed by Te’o’s business manager and Te’o’s invisible girlfriend. 

While the NCAA tournament takes a break, the NIT tournament is going on. For those not familiar, the NIT tournament is to the NCAA tournament what hummus is to guacamole. People pretend they like it as much, but nobody believes them. 

Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet HD

There is no heartbreak without love. This song captures that so honestly. 

My Get-Well Letter to Gale Sayers

My heart just broke again hearing my childhood idol, Gale Sayers, has dementia. This is the second time Gale Sayers broke my heart. 

On a beautiful November fall day in 1968 in Winnetka, Illinois, when I was ten, my dad and I were raking leaves into a burning pile - you could do that then - on the front lawn and listening to the Chicago Bear - San Francisco 49er game on the transistor radio. 

Norman Rockwell would have puked with happiness. 

Suddenly concerned, my dad grabbed the radio and put it close to his ear. He then gave me a look that I will never forget. He had bad news he did not want to tell me. Four words changed my life:

“Gale Sayers is hurt.”

As I was ten and did not want anyone to see me cry, I ran upstairs into my room and jumped face down on the bed. Not sure how I knew, I just knew this was bad. 

In an effort to help me pull out of it, my parents suggested I write Gale Sayers a “Get-Well” letter. 

My dad said to call "The Chicago Tribune" and ask for his address. 

After calling the sports desk, I got what I like to imagine is a cigar chomping Ed Asner-like gruff sports writer who barked. “What do you want his address for?” When I told him I wanted to write Gale a get-well letter, he paused and said, “Just wait a while, kid.” 

About ten minutes later, my Ed Asner gave me Gale Sayers's home address.

The only thing I remember about my letter is making a stupid comment that, since he broke the touchdown record against the 49’ers his rookie year, maybe they were trying to get even. But I do know I did not ask for anything, just that he get better. Because that was all I wanted.

Two weeks later, I got a big yellow envelope. It had Gale Sayers's glossy rookie picture with his shaved head and it was signed to me. Along with it was a thank you note Gale Sayers wrote himself. 

Gale Sayers taught me how to run with a football. Because he said he learned his moves from chasing the family dog to try and get their ball back, I used to chase our dog and all the neighborhood dogs. Because Gale said he played football on a cold Omaha brick back alley that hurt to get tackled on, so he learned how to avoid getting tackled, I insisted we play tackle on the asphalt driveway. 


Gale Sayers also taught me that nothing good lasts forever. And that bad things happen to great people. And Gale Sayers taught me that all the love and hope in the world from a ten-year-old boy cannot make a bad knee get better.

But the thing Gale Sayers taught me the most was courage. On a knee that was later discovered to be butchered by the Bears' criminally inept doctor, Gale Sayers still led the league in rushing that next year. He did this on pure guts. Guts nobody would see the likes of again until a guy named Walter Payton. 

In all deference to Walter "Sweetness" Payton and Barry Sanders, Gale Sayers was the greatest running back ever. Period. 

Gale Sayers has broken my heart twice and he is going to break my heart one more time. And I would not have it any other way. 







(When I was in college, before a party, for the first and last time, my mom splurged and hired a cleaning crew of three strangers to scour the house from top to bottom. My framed Gale Sayers autographed picture vanished during the process) 

This is such a rough time for democrats in Washington, DC, people would rather admit they’re Redskin fans than democrats.


The economy is so bad, Donald Trump has dropped 208 spots on “Forbes” billionaire list. Trump may not get invited to the Billionaire Potluck Dinner. 

Duke upset by South Carolina. So, in the title for team names that sound like STD nicknames, the Gamecocks beat the Blue Devils.


Since you asked:

"Hey, this old-timey toilet isn't flushing right." 

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been found. It turns out Amy Schumer was trying to turn it into a joke.





Following their loss to Kentucky, the wife of Wichita State’s coach, Gregg Marshall, Lynn, was asked to leave for loudly cursing. We cannot repeat what she said. It was a Shocker.

Suspended tennis star, Maria Sharapova, is still the spokesperson for Evian bottled water. Maybe Maria can explain why Evian advertises that its water has been filtered through the Alps for 10,000 years and yet it has a six-month expiration date. 





Comedian Amy Schumer continues to face allegations about joke stealing. Truth is, I would love to have Amy steal one of my jokes, but my jokes about my pussy are just not very good. 

In the World Baseball Classic, USA’s Adam Jones made a game-saving catch to end the game against the Dominican Republic. Adam Jones is no relation to the Bengal’s Adam Jones and you could tell because this Adam Jones was not arrested later that night.

A second White House fence jumper in a week was caught. No danger. It was just a gardener from Mar-a-Lago trying to get Trump to pay his overdue bill. 

  

Katy Perry admitted she has done more than her hit song suggested, “I Kissed a Girl And I Liked It.” Upon hearing this, many young men's pants just sang “Hello” by Adele.   



Puisque vous avez demandé:

Man did I enjoy “Allied.” 

The Brad Pitt-Marian Cotellard spy romance-thriller. Old school classy. Not only does it seem like it was back in WWII, but the film itself seems like an old “Casablanca” like classic. But with enough action and sexy in it to entertain its modern ADHD audiences. 

Maybe now is a good time to come clean. Yep, it is time to admit it: I am a spy.

Of course we spies do not use the word spy. Personally, I preferred Covert Operative Cognitive Killer. Until I saw what the abbreviation was. 

Now I just use Covert Operative. 

Now why, you ask, would a brilliant spy use the cover of a struggling, ahem, slightlyy older comedy writer? Well, a wildly successful young comedy writer wouldn't really have time to do anything else. And what better cover than someone who appears not smart enough to be good enough for huge comedy success? 

And, besides, no self-respecting spy would give up his cover. right? Unless they wanted you to think they weren't a spy. So what better cover for a spy than admitting his cover? 

Boom. 

In other words, if a spy admits he, or she, is a spy than he, or she, cannot be a spy which is exactly what us spies - or C.O.'s - want you to think. 

Oh, slap dippy bop, patty, dappy boop. 

(No, really, that is a message for Wolverine #32 in Tangiers)


Is there some new rule that the cheesy advertising-whoring "Buzz Feed" wanne-be lists on social media never feature the story and picture that lured you in to begin with? 

Is it just me, or is Kentucky’s natty blue and white checkered uniforms reminiscent of another great athlete who enjoyed success in Kentucky, Secretariat? 

Love. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru. All those other car makers are just trying to make money off of us. Freaking car whores.