Let’s fuse Justin Bieber with Michael Buble and take over the world with Jushael Bublier, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A Boulder CO landlord has lost his fight to stop a female tenant from gardening topless in a yellow thong and pink gloves. On the bright side, he did win Gayest Landlord of the Year.
Larry King is getting his eighth divorce. Apparently his wife just couldn’t take it anymore when, at the height of sexual passion, Larry would scream out: “Topeka, you’re on the air!”
It has been estimated Sarah Palin has earned over $12 mil this year. And that’s just from her gigs as a Tina Fey impersonator.
President Barack Obama is proposing a six billion dollar space program that will take astronauts to Mars. But don’t worry, a lot of that expense will be offset by charging the astronauts for their luggage, movies, food and drink, pillows, blankets and to use the bathrooms.
Larry King is getting divorced for the eighth time and now they say there is no prenuptial agreement. “Up a creek without a paddle New Jersey, you’re on the air.”
The makers of Mooncup, a silicone tampon, have an ad campaign to encourage women to nickname their vagina; Lots of celebrities nickname their vaginas. The Octomom calls hers: a Chuckie Cheese.
Childhood obesity is bad. One kid ate his iPhone because he thought an app was short for appetizer.
Shaquille O’Neal’s mother, Lucille O’Neal, has written an inspirational book about her life. The chapter about giving birth to Shaq is titled: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”
Did you see Adam Lambert on “American Idol”? Was it just me or did Adam Lambert look like the unholy spawn of Elvis and Amy Winehouse?
The makers of the feminine hygiene product, Mooncup, have signed Amy Winehouse as their celebrity spokesperson. It’s all part of their marketing strategy to not sell any Mooncups.
The Pentagon is reporting al Qaeda is in financial trouble. It may be due to their investment advisor, Akmed al-Bernie Madoff.
An English survey reveals 10% of women have had 10 sex partners. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton said; “Ten? As in one more than nine? That is so adorable.”
There is some controversy as to how many times Larry King has been divorced, eight or seven. It’s confusing because Larry King first got divorced before they had invented marriage.
Larry King is getting divorced for the seventh time. The number would be eight, but Larry married the same woman twice by accident.
Larry King is getting divorced for the seventh time. It could get ugly due to the custody fight for their child: the Crypt Keeper.
Since you asked:
As a single guy, in all due modesty, I did as well with attractive women as a guy who is not rich, famous or movie-star handsome can expect to do. Granted, there was serious work involved: pouring on the humor and charm combined with diligence and perseverance. And I am proud to say, I had game to back up the talk, if you get what I mean. (sniff-of-cockiness) Oh, yeah, buuuuuuhhhhhbeeeeeee.
But all kidding aside, all bets are off with professional athletes. The same women who like to hook up in bars are the same women who are uncontrollably attracted to rich and famous athletes. I’ve seen it happen on many occasions. There is no heavy lifting involved for these pro jocks. They simply walk in, have a few free drinks and laughs, and walk out with the woman – or women – they choose. It isn't fair, but it is how it is.
One time in a distant-from-Chicago, but popular, pub in Highwood, Illinois called The Wooden Nickle, in popped Chicago Bears Gary Fencik and Doug Plank. Plank walked straight up to the two prettiest girls at the bar - both with dates by their side - and said:
"Hi, would you girls like to come back to our place for a party?"
And off the two girls and the two Bears went, their now erstwhile dates frozen at the bar looking gobsmacked. And the frickin' guy's name was Doug. This was two years before "The Super Bowl Shuffle." They didn't buy one girl one drink. And they were on the freaking defense. Imagine how much little effort Walter "Sweetness" Payton had to use? I saw actor Bill Murray do the exact same thing at Baja Cantina in Marina Del Ray. Was I jealous? Oh, hell yeah. Lord knows I am crazy about Murray, but his face looks like a homemade shoe.
When I was in some of the hot clubs in Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, New York, Chicago, San Francisco, La Jolla and San Diego in the Eighties, the word that some famous athlete, actor or rock star had dropped in spread through the crowd like wild fire; the only reason the girls we were chatting up didn’t end up with them was because only the most aggressive and prettiest girls in the joint got to them first.
Lets not be cute. 99% of people who are in a bar are there to hook up, as the kids say. The other 1% are lying about wanting to hook up. One time in a bar in Santa Barbara, I lost a pretty woman I thought I was doing quite well with - if you consider intense on-the-clothes-groping in the bar doing well - to one of the musicians in the bar band at closing time. And he was the harmonica player. Oh, the bitter irony . . .
If you want to know the power celebrity has on hot women, all you need to know are the words: 79-year-old Larry King cheated on his wife with a hot blonde. Larry King is a Galapagos turtle with suspenders. If Larry worked as a clerk in Paducha, Kentucky, he couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a pocket full of pardons.
That is how simple it is for a pro athlete, musician or a celebrity to fly under the radar, have unlimited promiscuous sex with hot women and still not get in any trouble. You would think that would have to be quite good enough of an ego-stoke, right? Not for Ben, Jesse and Tiger.
That’s what makes what Ben Roethlisberger, Jesse James and Tiger Woods did over and over again, seem so incredibly stupid. And that is, just for now, forgetting that two of those boneheads were married men.
When you combine a sex-crazed dumbass with an over-blown ego, the resultant behavior can be so idiotic it flies off the charts of reason. These guys actually begin to believe they are a combination superhero and god. The rules do not apply to superheroes and gods. Including wedding oaths.
In his biography, Eagle guitarist, Don Felder, by all accounts a sweet, modest guy for a rock star, described the scene pretty well. Basically he said take what you would imagine your wildest sex dreams would be if you were a rock star, and then multiply it by about 100. Felder said:
"You heard of sex, drugs and rock and roll? Its really sex, sex, sex, sex, lots and lots of drugs, with a wee tad of rock and roll."
Apparently there is a team of regular tour groupies who figure ways to travel with the band, either on the bus, on the private plane, or in the trucks with the roadies, and then they compete for the affection of the band members at the post-concert party with all the local female fans from that city. From what Felder said, to stay a loyally married man on the road, an Eagle would need to turn down sex offers four times each night. At least. When has any guy turned down just one offer of sex? When?
When a gorgeous, eager, half-drunk woman at a party offers a man all the wild sex he wants back in the privacy of his hotel room for an hour or so - for nothing - and then promises to leave, no questions asked, how many guys say no? And remember, this is the sex that stays under the radar as acceptable. You have to go far beyond that decadence to make it in to the news, ala Jesse, Tiger and Ben. Just wear a condom and don't say or do anything really stupid. How hard is that? Apparently for Ben, Jesse and Tiger? Too hard. No pun intend . . . ah, screw it.
To play it safe, NBA players travel with several really expensive diamond tennis bracelets so they can pay girls without paying girls. They say it keeps the women happy and quiet. Part of Tiger’s problem was he was too cheap to do something that smart. The accuser in the Kobe Bryant rape trial was well known in that NBA sex circus circuit, Kobe just went too far and did something majestically stupid she did not want to do. (It rhymes with: he hopped her in the dooper)
No, Ben Roethlisberger, Jesse James and Tiger Woods had to apply some single-minded dedication to their horny stupidity and ego greed to get into the trouble they are now in, and now they are getting what they richly deserve.