"TMZ" Harvey Levin, you need to hire me to write celebrity jokes to sprinkle through your broadcasts. We fellow UCSB Gauchos need to stick together.

Alaska has legalized marijuana. So now you can get Really Baked Alaska.

The identity of ISIS spokesperson, Jihadi John, has been revealed as Mohammad Emwazi from London. It turns out Emwazi also believes Beyonce should have won the Grammy for best album instead of Beck.

They ranked the most dangerous neighborhoods in the US and Chicago had four of the top five. The most dangerous was the neighborhood around Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs get killed there all the time.

According to “Hollywood Life,” Bruce Jenner says he will still have sex with women after he transitions to being a woman. That is like flying around the world to visit the house next door.

That’s like getting a hair transplant right before shaving your head.

Weeks after causing a fatal accident, Bruce Jenner has been photographed driving around Malibu with his hand-held cell phone to his ear. So he isn't just transitioning to become a woman, he's also transitioning to become a bitch. 

In Russia, Vladimir Putin’s opposition leader, Boris Nemtsov, was killed from shots from a moving car while crossing the Moscow river near the Kremlin. Asked to comment, Putin said he condemns the killing and then he said;

"One Fox Rover Unit, the wolf is hibernated, repeat, the wolf is hibernated.”

It is cold back East. That thing on Donald Trump’s head was wearing a thing on its head.

The American Kennel Club has announced the most popular dog breed is Labrador. The least popular dog breed is the combination of the Shih Tzu and poodle, the Shitzpoo.

Investigators of the Bruce Jenner Malibu crash say Jenner was guilty of driving “HUA” or Head Up Ass. Good thing it was him and not Kim Kardashian. If Kim had her head up her ass, we might never find it again.

Kris Kardashian has signed a four year $100 mil. deal with “E” for the show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” The deal does not include Bruce Jenner, but he’ll get points when he runs into the backend.

In Arizona, a video has gone viral of the police lassoing a llama. But whatever you do, do not Google the phrase “lassoing a llama.” You can’t un-see it.

Alaska has legalized marijuana. Now people besides Sarah Palin will think they can see Russia from their house.

Alaska has legalized marijuana. So now people in Alaska cannot stop giggling when they say the name of the city of Gnome.

You can now have Starbucks coffee delivered to your door. Is this a good idea? Starbucks employees can’t write a name correctly, how are they going to get an entire address right?

You can now have Starbucks coffee delivered to your door. It was great, I ordered a drink online and ten minutes later there is a guy at my door with the wrong drink order for Ailexka Kastlebury.

Since you asked:

Just saw an entire episode of “Modern Family” done on an Apple MacBook Pro laptop. They used video phones, texts, e-mails, Google, Skype, iPads, iPhones, split screens and Yahoo. It was creative, it was innovative, it was advanced, it was imaginative. It was forward, out-of-the-box thinking.

It was also so annoying it was almost impossible to watch. Took me five tries to get through it.

So I got that going for me, which is nice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A blind Minnesota man, thanks to a bionic eye-implant, saw his wife for first time in ten years. It didn’t go so well at first. His first word was; “Mom?”

“Dancing with the Stars” unveiled their new lineup and it includes Riker Lynch, Redfoo and Robert Herjavec. When did “Dancing with the Stars” turn into “Dancing with People We Have to Google”?

Of course, Kanye West is furious Beyonce wasn’t chosen.

The two Boston Red Sox stars are Pablo Sandoval and David Ortiz. But, if you’ve seen how big Ortiz and Sandoval are, the real star of the Red Sox will be the clubhouse buffet chef.

Investigators of the Bruce Jenner Malibu crash say Jenner was guilty of driving “HUA” or Head Up Ass. Sadly, HUA that is an inherited Jenner/Kardashian congenital condition.

New Sec. of Defense, Ashton Carter, said he is open to the idea of transgenders serving in the military. Great news for Brigadier General Brucelina Jenner.



Since you asked: 

Seriously, how bad could this rumored Dallas Cowboy receiver, Dez Bryant, sex-or-whatever video be? Goats? Midgets? Oh no. You don’t suppose? It can’t be. Say it isn’t so. He slept with Madonna?

The category of LGTBs is way too narrow. It should include Lesbians, Gay, Transgender, Bi-Sexual, Drunk-girls-kissing-a-girl-at-a-bar-to-turn-on-guys-but-who-get-turned-on-themselves, Guys-who-accidentally-sported-wood-at-a-shirtless-Ryan Gossling, Guys-who-act-gay-to-get-girls-to-convert-them, and Girls-who-went-lesbian-for-the-night-because-they-didn’t-want-to-shave-their-legs.