Saturday, September 04, 2004

Saturday Morning Rant:

One of the many vast entertainment conglomerates I write for (sniff, teeth-suck, exhale and groan of smugness) happens to be "The Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw" show on KGB, the top radio morning show in San Diego and Temecula, and they were playing a game of "I kicked my own ass."

Callers described how they injured themselves in various funny ways. The deserved winner was a guy at a big club in New York who saw a cool guy and gave him a thumbs up. When the guy returned the thumbs up, he decided to counter with a running high five. To his delight, the guy immediately decided to return his running high five. It turns out he ran full speed into a mirror and knocked himself out.

That's pretty good. Better than mine, but here was mine:

Lex Kicks His Own Ass

My then-brand-new-wife and I were entertaining many guests –including my brand-new mother-in-law - at our townhouse in La Jolla colony. The party was jumping and I didn’t want it to stop when the CD player started to skip. I was on the top level of a split-level living room, and the CD player was on the lower level. Being the spry gent that I am, I took off running for the five or so stairs down and I must have been traveling a tad faster than I thought, because I hit the overhang dead-on with my forehead. My feet flew up higher than my head and I landed flush on my back on the floor with a window-rattling thud.

The best part? I got up all Pee-Wee-Herman “I meant to do that” like and changed the CD as if nothing happened. Everyone was laughing so hard practically the entire party was writhing on the ground with tears streaming down their faces – including my new wife and my new mother-in-law. By the time I got another drink – because I really needed it – I had a knot on my forehead the size of a hard-boiled egg. The overhang that I hit with my head had a dent in the reinforced metal panel also about the size of a hard-boiled egg.

They say god looks out for fools and drunks. He pulled double duty with me on this one, Slats and Nugs.

We kid the ex-prez
Here is wishing Bill Clinton good luck and good health. We love to kid the ex-prez here at "A Little Bit Bad" but we kid because we care. As you've probably heard, Clinton is going in for heart by-pass surgery. Or as Dick Cheney calls that: Fridays.

We here at “A Little Bit Bad” would like to point out that there is absolutely no truth to the ugly, and, quite frankly, mean-spirited rumor that Hilary has slipped the surgeon a hundred to have Clinton neutered as long as he is out.

This just in:
Coffins are available at Costco. Is this a great country or what? Now people shopping for ten-pound boxes of cereal can shop along with serial killers.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Unless you're young and black, and or really cool, please do not apply izzle on anything. Boy, do I agrizzle with thatizzle my pizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

He’s simply just so fierce in those things
*A group of gay Republicans say they’re angry at President Bush because he wants to ban gay marriage. They did say, however, that they won’t stay mad at President Bush on account of how cute he looks in his little jogging shorts.

Wasted no time
*At the Republican convention, Arnold Schwarzenegger told the Republican convention that he wanted every American to have the same chance he did. After hearing this, Bill Clinton groped a starlet.

Bush in the big City
*President Bush has been enjoying his stay in New York City. Today President Bush plans to visit Staten Island. When asked if he was going to take the Staten Island Ferry, Bush said; “Sure, he can come along, I just don’t think he should get married.”

President Bush is a little naïve for New York City. Today, after walking around the Village, Bush asked; “Why do all them handsome young fellas wear those black leather pants? The ladies must really go for that look.”

*Today President Bush said he has enjoyed his stay in New York City, but he still can’t figure out where this Manhattan place is supposed to be.

Ring of freedom
Kobe Bryant was so excited that his case was dropped, today he had three more Lakers traded away just for fun.

They had no choice but to drop the case against Kobe Bryant; in trying to find a jury of his peers they realized that all of Kobe’s peers have been traded away.

The Donald
*Donald Trump has an Office Depot ad on the radio. Does this guy really need to do Office Depot ads? What’s next? A Donald Trump commercial for Super Cuts?

A zillion starving unemployed actors in Hollywood and the Office Depot spot goes to Donald Trump? What’s next, a television series for Bill Gates called “The Last Geek Standing”?

To go, please
*A survey reveals that 14% admit to having had sex on the job. Think about that the next time you’re eating your Happy Meal.

No choice
*A disturbing report from the Homeland Security Department revealed there were 753 incidents of bad conduct by air marshals, including drinking, drugs and losing their weapons. Officials had no choice but to take those offending air marshals and turn them into C.I.A. agents.

Take out an ad
John Kerry took a lot of shots from the Republican convention; however, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth took out an ad that said Kerry didn’t take any shots at the convention at all.

Nor was it a problem at the Games in Korea
Among the unfounded worries about the Games, says Mark Whicker of the Orange County (Calif.) Register, was that Athens would be “infested with thousands of stray dogs.’’ One thing we know for sure, stray dogs won’t be a problem at the Beijing games.

It’s a puzzlement
With the onset of the civil suit by Kobe Bryant’s accuser, it has led many skeptics to believe that Kobe’s alleged victim was, in fact, a shameless gold digger. That’s what’s so confusing, why would Kobe mess with her when he has a perfectly good shameless gold digger waiting at home?

Since you asked:
Comedian Richard Jeni had a joke about a fan complaining about the insensitivity of his joke making fun of Asians that eat dogs.

“How can you insult another people’s culture?” she asked. Jeni's response?

“Because it’s wrong, that’s why. You don’t eat anything that can catch and return a Frisbee. You could throw a Frisbee at a cow all day and nothing will happen. If it can’t catch a Frisbee, it’s OK to eat.”

And I am in agreeance on that, as political genius and anti-war commenter and Limp Bizkit front man Fred Durst once said at the Grammy Awards.

My rule? Do not eat anything that is as smart, or smarter than a horse. Chickens? Dumber than rocks. Fry away. Cows? Stupid, order a hamburger. Fish? Too stupid to measure, kind of like Paris Hilton, so eat away. The fish, I mean.

Ahh, but what about pigs? Some say they are as smart as dogs. Oh really? Let’s see about that. One gets to eat table scraps and sleeps on the couch; the other eats slop and rolls in the mud and sleeps outside. Do you really still think pigs are smarter than dogs? Besides, as those of us who have seen HBO’s series “Deadwood” know all to well, pigs eat people, so, it’s everyone for themselves. Ham on rye here I come.

Eating dogs is wrong. Period. Any culture that does eat dogs is about as wrong and backward as, oh, say a culture that won’t eat pigs, but will wipe themselves with their bare hand. Even Fred Durst would be in agreeance on that. Besides, that other culture I just mentioned is always trying to blow people to Bolivian, as Mike Tyson once put it so well.

Not that it will change my opinion, but let me know what you think, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Oh no you di’ . . .’nt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One from column B
A dog in Cambodia gave birth to a kitten; or as Cambodians call that: a combo plate.

So fierce
*Florida is bracing for monster storm Frances. First Gaston and now Frances? Apparently these storms and hurricanes are being named by those Queer Eye guys.

The storm Frances is the first time any damage has been threatened by something with the name France in it.

Let’s all get a grip
*During Dick Cheney’s speech, somebody held up a sign that said; “Cheney Rocks.” OK, it’s now time we re-examine what does and does not rock. Dick Cheney is a smart guy, Dick Cheney is a powerful guy, but if there is one thing Dick Cheney does not do, he does not rock.

Celine Dion rocks more than Dick Cheney.

Kobe walks . . . again
Charges were dropped against Kobe Bryant. Kobe said he wanted to thank his attorneys, his agent, his wife, but Kobe especially wanted to thank whoever the guy was his accuser ho’d around with afterwards.

Charges have been dropped against Kobe Bryant after his alleged victim refused to give evidence. Which is odd because, if there is one thing Kobe’s accuser can do, it’s open up.

Happy Birthday Material Granny
*We missed Madonna’s birthday when we were gone for the Olympics last month, August 16th, she’s 46. What do you give the woman who has everything? Well, besides penicillin or acting lessons.

Jolly Stomp
*The mighty New York Yankees lost to the Cleveland Indians 22-0, the worst loss in Yankee history. 22-0. Even our men’s Olympic basketball team is laughing at that weak Yankee effort.

Hey, don’t knock it, Snookums
*Dick Cheney made fun of John Kerry statement about leading a 'more sensitive war on terror,' as though al-Qaida will be impressed with our softer side. Hey don’t knock the power of the sensitive softer side. You can’t believe the damage a grown man can do with baby talk:

Baby talker: “Are you’s the mean widdle bad boy terrorists? Yes you was da mean widdle terrorists, coo kee chew chew.”

Terrorist: “Oh, for dee love of Allah, I quit, please be making him stop dat infernal baby talk.”

Clear this up
*The republican convention key speakers went from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Dick Cheney. One guy pumps up his chest, the other one’s chest has a pump.

Worse than, well, me. And I really stink.
Don’t you love all the bad dancing at the republican convention? There hasn’t been dancing this bad since the John Tesh/ Kenny G’s world tour.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Is you is or is you ain’t my baby, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Somebody needs to work on playing well with others
*In Melbourne, Russell Crowe got in a fight with his bodyguard. Let me tell you something, if you get in a fight with the one guy whose job is to keep you from getting beat up, you may have some issues with people skills.

Last call
*Last night at the Republican convention, Jenna and Barbara Bush put on a duel comedy club routine. Except the Bush twins were the ones with the two-drink minimum.

Sort of
*You have to admit, it took guts for the Republicans to hold their convention in the democratic stronghold of Manhattan. That’s like opening up a Hooter’s restaurant in Najaf.

Costco Deep Sleep 2000
*Cost Co is selling discount caskets. Who is this for, really cheap vampires?

Cost Co is selling discount caskets. That’s stupid. The fun of buying things at Costco is later bragging to people what a great deal you got. You can’t do that after you’re dead.

How does that work, when you buy a casket from Costco, do you put on your gravestone, “Guess how much I paid for this casket?”

That might be a fun prank to scare your wife: Come home from Costco with a ten-gallon drum of rat poison, a casket and a case of Champagne.

How does that work? “Get in the car, honey, I need some thirty tube socks, a ten-gallon jar of peanut butter, and, what was that other thing? Oh yeah, a coffin.”

I’ll be back . . . and back, and back, and back
*Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger’s speech? It was very historic. Arnold officially broke Ronald Reagan’s speech world record for quoting your own old movie lines.

The Deion lights of Broadway
*Retired cornerback Deion Sanders signed a one-year contract with the Baltimore Ravens after passing a physical. The doctor said Sanders was in good shape. Why, if he didn’t know any better, it almost looked like Sander’s body had never hit anyone before.

The doctor told Deion he was cleared to play tackle football, and Deion asked; “What kind of football is tackle football?”

This will be new for Deion, normally the only Raven Deion does is about himself.

Please, no hurricane Poindexter
Hurricane Gaston (Gas-tuoh) hit the south really hard. Can’t they come up with tougher sounding names than Gaston? I feel sorry for all of those big, tough, NASCAR-loving good ol’ boy southern guys who have to admit: “Yeah, I got my ass kicked by Gaston.”

It wouldn’t be as bad to say you got hammered by hurricane Butch, or Ralph, or Chuck, but not Gaston. It’s the only time anything with a French name caused any damage.

You can quote me:
Dreams are your thoughts if they were being controlled by a stoned minimum-wage government worker.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Bless her sweet heart
In our society, the rudest thing you can do to someone – short of physically hurting them or swearing at them – is to hang up the phone on them.

As a result, we have established familiar patterns of, what I call, granting the release. If one phone converser grants the other a release, it cannot be considered a ‘hang up.” These releases are initially requested like “Oh, I have to run” or “I’ll call you back.” The release grants come in many forms: “OK, I’ll let you go.” “I’ll talk to you later.” And then, usually concluded with a goodbye and the blessed click.

My wife, Virginia, bless her heart, is not a believer of easily granting said release. You really have to squeeze the release grant out of her.

Here is a typical example of my side of the end of a phone conversation. Typically, this is after the fourth or fifth time this same scenario has been repeated that same day:

Me: OK, umm, we can talk about this when you come home. I gotta go.

Me: Why? I need to fax something, so I need the phone line (a lie) so I gotta go.

Me: No, I don’t know what we should do about dinner, but, right now, I still have to go.

Me: No, I don’t know what time “Scrubs” is on, but, ahem, I reeealllly gotta go.

Me: Yes, I do really enjoy talking with you on the phone, but for right now, I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GO.

Me: No, I am not mad, but, for the love of decency, DAMMIT, HANG UP THE FRICKIN’ DAMN PHONE.

Me: No, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I just (moan) would really (whimper) like it if I (whine) could hang up right now. Pleeeeease.

And then she hangs up on me.

Anyone else have this private hell going on? Let me know:

The brass here at “A Little Bit Bad” has spared no expense and we have planted a hidden microphone at the republican convention green room and here is what we caught on tape:

“It may be the vodka talking, but dammit, that Laura Bush is hot, hot, hot.”

“I thought it was your turn to check Michael Moore’s cage?”

“Did you hear the rumor? Five little words: Arnold groped a Bush twin.”

“Seriously, I don’t got nothing against those whiney, whimpy, broke-ass democrats, but that’s just me, Dick Cheney.”

“Quick, get these John-Kerry-big-ass-head jokes translated to Hooked-on-Phonics for the President.”

“No question, republican hookers are way better than democrat hookers.”

“Psst, keep it quiet, but we're collecting donations for Ralph Nader’s campaign.”

“You didn’t hear this from me, but John Edwards? Gayer than a Bay Area potpourri store.”

"Destroy this copy of the Bush twins in the "Girls Gone Wild" video before the press sees it."

"Man, I haven't been this hungover since the last time George W. fell off the wagon."

"No lie, I know a guy from his club. John Kerry wears tighty whities."

"For the love of god, do not go into that bathroom, Michael Moore was just in there."
This just in:

Somebody asked me, Lexter, Lexter Dexter, Lexheimer, Lexumborg, Lexus, what is your enduring memory of the 2004 Athens games? Gosh, there are so many. Well, there was that beach volleyball playful victory spank-on-the-butt of Misty May by Kerri Walsh. Oh, and then there was that spank-on-the-butt of Misty May by Kerri Walsh. But I would have to say my favorite Olympic moment had to be that playful spank-on-the-butt of Misty May by Kerri Walsh.

Don't you just love those Spyware ads that offer to remove Spyware? That's like punching someone in the face and then offering to be their body guard.

Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, huh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The Snooze team
People are still in shock at the poor performance of our Olympic men’s basketball team. They got crushed by Puerto Rico. Isn’t Puerto Rico our commonwealth? That’s like the Post Office getting crushed by the Postal Annex.

The guy knows his audiences
*Ralph Nader was in Las Vegas where he denounced gambling. Good move. What’s next, Ralph? Going to Hershey, Pennsylvania to denounce candy?

Nice try, Al
*Al Gore got a speeding ticket for going 75 miles an hour. Al tried to argue his way out of the ticket, he claimed his personality was only going 25.

*Toys R Us announced they may sell their toy division. Then they will go from Toys R Us to We R Bored.

Not a big selection
*Jury selection has begun in the Kobe Bryant case. They can only pick people who aren’t very well informed about the Kobe Bryant case. So that leaves out everyone but the C.I.A.

Ah choo, and make it a double
*Alcohol may soon be available in a mist-form that you inhale. Comedy clubs will have to instill a two-snort minimum.

Hey, what am I saying? I’m a Cubs fan, for crying-out-loud
*A Chicago area Costco will sell discount caskets. This should come in handy for the Cubs just before the World Series.

You thought those Costco shoppers clogged up the aisle before? “Hey, you mind moving your coffin there Count Dracula?”

Who are these Costco caskets for, anyway? Is there a big market for Vampires at Costco? Are a lot of Mafia hit men shopping at Costco?

Good job
*The Greeks did a wonderful job hosting the Olympics despite the press’ dire predictions of disaster; an article about the Athens games in “Sports Illustrated” made it sound like the track athletes would have to wear construction helmets when they ran.

Just can’t decide
*In a speech to the Republican convention, former New York mayor Rudolph Guliani spoke of how John Kerry frequently changes his opinion. When asked what he thought about Guliani’s speech, Kerry said he didn’t like it. But then, later, he said he liked it, but then he didn’t like it.

Don’t want to see that
*Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks to the republican convention tonight. Arnold is going to take advantage of the teleprompter; the last thing he wants is to have to grope around for words.

When a man loves a woman
*In an interview with G.Q., John Kerry discussed what he looks for in a woman. Kerry said the most important thing is trust. As in: trust fund.

Kerry said what he looks for in a woman is honesty, loyalty, and a trust fund the size of his huge ol' head.

Monday, August 30, 2004

We got our Olympics on for real, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Minding my own business
It was the strangest thing. Today at the gym, I was running on the treadmill and, out of nowhere, I was tackled by a defrocked crazy priest wearing a red kilt.

A defrocked Irish priest, wearing a green beret and a red kilt attacked the leader during yesterday’s Olympic marathon. That is the oddest thing. Usually the crazy defrocked priests don’t wear green berets and red kilts until Christmas.

Not a good look
*If this clown thought the end of the world was coming before, just wait until he has to go to a Greek jail wearing a red kilt.

The priest got probation. Personally, I think they should sentence him to wear his red kilt and run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. He’d bring a whole new meaning to the term defrocked.

The breaking point
After two weeks of watching the NBC Olympic telecast, if I saw one more commercial for “Joey” I was going to put on a red kilt and tackle a marathon runner.

Who knows?
The Olympics were wonderful, but they raised many questions: Will Michael Phelps beat his records in Beijing? Can the U.S. Men’s basketball team rebound? Who was the sweatiest post race athlete interviewed by NBC’s Bob Neumeier?

Not her
After watching the Olympics for two weeks straight, I’m even going to miss some of the commercials; well, maybe not that girl whose cell phone thinks she has lip fungus.

I might have watched too much of the Olympics on NBC. Today when I went to the gym, after I ran on the treadmill, I expected to be interviewed by Bob Neumeier.

What's with that?
After watching the Olympics, here is my question: what is with that little wash cloth the divers wipe off with after each dive? Do they really need that? You know who needed one of those was track- side NBC interviewer Bob Neumeier, he could have used it to wipe off all of those sweaty runners.

Since you asked:
Boy, did I have a disturbing grilling experience this weekend.

We were invited over to a good friend’s beatifully remodeled home (Man, my wife's eyes were rolling dollar signs with envy) and, after saying the obligatory “It’s beautiful” 1,275 times, (it was very nice, all Frank Lloyd Wrighty) the host fired up his new fancy grill to cook marinated tri-tip.

Now, I admit, I don’t know much, but one thing I do know is how to grill tri- tip.(Admittedly, not always, my tri-tip used to turn out dry and over-cooked, but now I have it down) The hostess, slyly intimated to me that I should “help out” the host with the grilling, implying that he wasn’t exactly Bobby Flay, and boy was she right. She hurriedly sent me out to the grill with the meat while he was busy giving the tour to another couple.

After searing the meat for two minutes on each side, insuring beautiful crossed grill marks, I correctly placed it on a lower heat, in effect, to broil. The host spots me at the grill, runs over and proceeds to stab at the poor meat with a long fork – insuring the juices will run out and it will dry out – and then announced it wasn’t cooking fast enough, and sticks in smack in the high heat.

OK, I figure if he wants to char it, that’s his business. Well, after ten minutes of brutal charring, he announces that the meat is done. I assure him, by method of touching and feeling the meat's firmness, that it needed at least another ten minutes of grilling. Nope, he was sure it was done. He takes the tri tip off and – shudder – slices into the center of it like a crazed Samurai . As black and crusty as was the outside, the inside was blue and cold and now whatever juices were left from his incessant poking were gone for sure.

It was like this guy took a Learning Annex class on how to ruin a beautiful cut of meat. The most disturbing part of the experience? This guy is a doctor. Now, I know doctors think they know everything, but if this guy treats his patients like he treats his tri-tip, he must have a commission-deal with the local undertaker.

I had to grill hamburgers last night just to get the experience out of my head.

Here is Lex's grilling secret tip of the day: When you form the hamburger patties (Use at least 15% fat, any leaner is too dry, and liberally douse with Worstes, Wursteshi, Woresstire . . that sauce) always indent the middle of the patty. That way when they naturally plump up, you don't have to press on them with the spatula to get them flat, thus pushing out all the juice, and you don't end up with that horrible baseball-hamburger effect I had to endure all through my childhood.

When it came to eating my Father's barbecued food, bless his heart, we were abused children.