Saturday, February 08, 2014

Or Sochi Thought:
Pretty sure Sochi 2014 in Russian is just 2014 upside down.
Slats and Nuggies, if you’re not on the USA Women’s hockey bandwagon, I suggest you jump on. Those girls are amazing. And fast. Made the Fins – who have the best goalie at the Olympics – look like they forgot to sharpen their skates. And amazing announcer, Doc Emerick, could make a two-year-old’s hockey game sound exciting.
Opening ceremonies pretty good. Team USA looked better in those silly sweaters than I thought. Canada and Russia did kick or ass, opening ceremony clothes-wise.

Friday, February 07, 2014

You want to feel old? (And who doesn't?) The girl who played young Jenny in "Forrest Gump," Hannah Hall, is 29

Yo, Vladdy the P. When we said we wanted the Sochi hotel suites to have two toilets, this is not what we meant.

One of the issues at the Sochi Olympics is what to do with all of the stray dogs. And yet they never had that problem at the Beijing Olympics. Odd. 

Thursday, February 06, 2014

USA mogul skier, Heidi Kloser, blew out her knee in the warm-up run. As they were loading her into the ambulance, she asked her parents;

"Am I still an Olympian?"

Damn right you are, Heidi.

Every time I think I am out, the Olympics pull me back in. And I get to cross off hearing Bob Costas say Pussy Riot from my bucket list.

Brigham-Young University in Idaho, made a video comparing masturbation to getting wounded in war in an attempt to stop students from masturbating. In an equally effective move, they also made a video encouraging pigs to fly.

Brigham-Young University in Idaho, made a video comparing masturbation to getting wounded in war in an attempt to stop students from masturbating. Making a video to stop college students from masturbating is like building a sand castle to stop a tsunami.

One guy I knew in college, if he got college credit for the time he spent masturbating? He would now be called Dr. Kase . . . err, I mean Dr. Not My Name.

Things I already hate about the Sochi Olympics and they haven’t started yet:

Why does one of our ice dancing skaters look like Jar-Jar Binks?

Why do our opening ceremony sweaters look like Ralph Lauren and Bill Cosby threw up on them? Worse Olympic outfit since the velour 1984 Levi warm ups.

Why do some of the events – like Slopestyle – resemble sports we invented in Illinois in the winter because we were bored? Skeleton? “Bet you won’t go down this hill on this cooking trey.” Curling? "Hey, let's play shuffleboard with big rocks."

Why does everything in Sochi look so, boorish, bland, scary, or in other words, so Putin-ey?

Why aren’t we making more jokes about Putin’s name?

This isn't an Olympic thing, but why do my Kirkland Organic Chocolate Reduced Fat cartons have little brown boners on them?

If the Winter Olympics are so tough, why do the same people keep winning? Shaun White. Shani Davis. Bodi Miller. Lindsay Vonn before she got hurt. Hell, they had to pass a hat to get Apollo Ohno to retire because it was getting embarrassing. 

Why didn’t anyone get my “That Olympic city is Sochi Tea” joke?

Let's talk about the giant, white elephant in the Winer Olympic Village. Besides the exception that proves the rule, Shani Davis, winter Olympic sports are very white and upper classy. 

Slopestyle skier, Nick Goepper, was born with a gift for skiing and also the passion to do well. The problem? He lived in Southern Indiana. Until his parents basically decided to give up their lives for his, he did not stand a chance. Goepper's parents mortgaged their lives to get him to the Olympic training venue in Oregon.

The greatest skier in Wisconsin could not finish a race at Mammoth Mountain, CA. Unless you have time and money to work with a specific few coaches who train at expensive resorts in the Sierras, Rockies or Vermont, you have no chance. Until you win and get sponsors, the amount of time needed to train and the expense of the equipment is huge. 

Guess what I am saying is, in winter sports,  you're just not going to get a Joe Namath or a Gale Sayers, an amazing athlete from a poor family, to grow up and be a Winter Olympian.

Shaun White's parents were far from rich, but he made so much money skateboarding as a kid, he could afford to train for snowboarding.

The Sochi tap water is brown. The snow is man-made. The hotels are ugly and unfinished. The toilets don't work. The venues are dangerous. Isn't it painfully obvious the I.O.C. took a huge, huge bribe from the Russian mob to issue the games to Sochi?

All that being said, I will fall in love with this Olympics like I always do. There will be new and amazing stories presented by the pleasant and professional Bob Costas.