Jimmy Dugan finds a better way to reprimand Evelyn

"Why would I drink? I'm a Peach."

The rumors persist Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting a divorce over his Twitter rants and it will get ugly between the Kardashian family and Kanye. They will make a movie about it: “Dumb and Dumber, The Number After Two.”  

The Chicago Cubs are listed as 4-1 favorites to win the World Series. In addition, Las Vegas just improved the odds of monkeys flying out of my butt. 

Members of Parliament sent a letter to the NFL asking them to change the name of the Washington Redskins. Granted, Redskins isn’t the greatest name, but England can tell us what to call things after they change the name of their town, Cockermouth, Cumbria. 

Chris Christie has endorsed Donald Trump. This locks up the guys-who-grab-their-crotch-and-spit vote. 

Despite his anti-immigrant stance, Donald Trump hired 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. This should not come as a shock from a guy who has a Palapa on his head. 

Mitt Romney claims there is a bombshell in Donald Trump’s tax history. This comment is so white it could be nominated for an Oscar. 

Astronaut Scott Kelley is returning to earth after a year in space. He cannot wait to spend his bitcoins at Radio Shack. 


Since you asked:

There is this nice guy in our neighborhood with black glasses who walks his old dog at 4:30 like clockwork. Recently, I truly admired his patience because his beloved little black and white ‘ol weiner/mutt doggy with the white face was getting pretty slow. 

Today he was walking a puppy. 

There's No Crying in Baseball - A League of Their Own (5/8) Movie CLIP (...

If a woman gets a tattoo on her butt of Donald Trump at a campaign rally, is that a Trump stumping tramp stamp? Asking for a friend.

After his Nevada win, Donald Trump said “We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.” It was awkward when he then pointed to his wife, Melania. 

President Obama wants to shut down Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay. To expedite the closing, he is going to have Donald Trump convert it into a Trump casino. 

Donald Trump won the Nevada caucus for republicans. Nevada’s filled with shady, corrupt miscreants skirting on the edge of the law for profit. But then the republicans left Nevada for the primary in South Carolina.

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a deformed, tiny penis. The medical term is a severe case of Trump Stump.

Kanye West told a crowd at a Los Angeles club; “Amber Rose didn’t stick no fingers in my butt.” Not exactly “Four score and seven years ago,” is it? 

Nike’s founder, Phil Knight, donating $400 million to Stanford. It comes at a cost. Stanford has to change their motto from “The Wind of Freedom Blows” to “Adidas Blows.”

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a deformed, tiny penis. The medical term is a severe case of Trump Stump.

Kanye West told a crowd at a Los Angeles club; “Amber Rose didn’t stick no fingers in my butt.” Not exactly “Four score and seven years ago,” is it? 

Tiger Woods’s agent, Mark Steinberg, is denying reports his client is experiencing a setback after his last back surgery. Tiger has learned the hard way that, when he picks up a Waffle House waitresses, he has to lift with his legs.

FRIENDS - Theme Song (Intro)

I Feel Fine - The Beatles (Lyrics in description. English and Espanol).

ISIS is having a cash-flow problem. They have even used up all their gift cards at The Allah Garden, Thank Allah Its Friday and Bed, Bath and a Bomb. 

Black entertainer endorsements are split between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Even the black Oscar nominees are split. Oh, right, there are no black Oscar nominees. 

Since you asked:

On her show, “Kocktails with Khloe,” Khloe Kardashian accused NBA star, James Harden, of cheating on her. If Khloe has learned anything it is if you want to date a guy who will remain faithful, make it an NBA player who is rich and constantly travels surrounded by women who want to sleep with him. 

Not that I am hoping this happens, but you know what would be interesting if it did? If ISIS hacked Apple and Apple needed the FBI’s help. 

If there is one thing “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition has taught us over the years is that it is not possible to un-hot a hot woman. Make them sweaty, dirty, muddy, oily, sandy, covered in snow, rain and paint. They will still be hot. 

Anyone else notice how similar the "Friends" theme song is to the Beatles "I Feel Fine"? 

Loved ESPN’s “30 For 30” episode “The ’85 Bears.” It captured the sense of the insane love affair between the Chicago Bears and us fans that magical season. We could not get enough of that team. And it really shined a light on the sense of humor of many of the players, especially Jim McMahon, Dan “The Danimal” Hampton,  Mike Singletary, Gary Fencik, Steve “Mongo” McMichaels and The Fridge, William Perry. And, of course, the wonder and glory that was the amazing-in-every-way Sir Sweetness, Walter Payton. 

Only knew one person who did not like Walter Payton and she is one of the biggest sociopaths in the country. 

What I know now that I did not know then was what a colossal a-hole Mike Ditka is and was. The only way a team that talented did not repeat in ’86 is if their megalomaniacal coach is out doing every commercial and every over-the-hill waitress in Chicago, which Ditka was. 

Anyone, like Ditka, who smokes cigars and keeps their cash in pimp-roll, as I am sure Donald Trump does, is a world class ass-munch. Ditka is a world class ass-munch. The only other sign of a world class a-hole is when they keep their feet on their desk, ala Dick Cheney during September 11th. 


It behooves us to review the warning signs of the biggest pr*cks in the world, ala Ditka, Cheney, Trump and two righteous tools I used to work with, Aldo Pudgano and Bob Feldermunch: 

A, Combover.
B, Drives Range Rover or BMW, with the exception of O'Snake.
C, Feet up on the desk.
D, Rude to serving staff or retail.
E, Smokes cigars
F, Keeps cash in a pimp-roll. 
G, Picks their teeth in public after dinner. 
H, Says the word crap all the time. 
I, Constantly asks if they can be honest with you. 
J, Does not like dogs.

Never, ever, trust a non-drinking vegetarian with a tiny, tiny penis

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a deformed, tiny penis. Turns out the title of his book, “Mein Kampf,” actually means “My Shrinkage.” 

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a deformed, tiny penis that was so small, Hitler had to sit down to pee. Hitler put the Her if Fuher. 

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a deformed, tiny penis. It was so bad, Hitler took the dick right out of dictator. 

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a deformed, tiny penis. And just when you thought it was finally  OK to name your baby boy Adolf. 

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Jeb Bush spent $130 mil. on this election and never won a state. Who was his campaign finance manager, Mike Tyson? “So Mike, tell me why did we need so many tigers?” 

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Mike Tyson’s Las Vegas mansion is for sale for $1.5 mil. According to Tyson; “The manshion ish absholutely lishted to shell.” 

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Boston Red Sox third baseman, Pablo Sandoval, is under fire for showing up to spring training overweight. He didn’t help his cause today when he ordered a pizza delivered to third base. 

An historian claims Adolf Hitler had a condition that gave him a deformed, tiny penis. And you thought his mustache was short, ugly and stubby.

The condition is known as: Dictator-tot. 

Hillary Clinton narrowly defeated Bernie Sanders in Nevada. While Hillary flew to Houston, Bill Clinton stayed back in Nevada to personally thank each and every member of Hookers for Hillary. 

A 28-year-old Arkansas math teacher was charged with having sex with her three male students, two 17, one 18. Which, in Arkansas, sounds much worse when you consider they were only in fourth grade.   

The Minnesota Wild beat the Chicago Blackhawks 6-1 outdoors in the stadium series. Playing hockey outside in a stadium looks like fun. The Blackhawks should try it sometime.

An historian claims Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition that gave him just one testicle and an abnormally small, deformed penis. The condition is known as Trumpatosis. 

Since you asked:

Sometimes the more complicated an issue, the easier it is to simplify. Something tells me Apple versus the FBI on the San Bernardino terrorist’s phone privacy is one of those. 

What it seems to boil down to is that preventing more terrorists from slaughtering 14 people is more important than the privacy of a cell phone. 

Have you seen this picture of the rather large Boston Red Sox Pablo Sandoval at Spring Training? Looks like Sandoval spent the off season in Una Mas Burrito, Venezuela.  

Have you seen the picture of the nearly obese Boston Red Sox Pablo Sandoval at Spring Training? It looks like Pablo put on one pound for each million of the $95 million he signed for last year. 

Sandoval violated a clause in his contract. Namely, the “Do not turn into Santa Claus” clause. 

Bad news for the Boston bench coach. There is no more room on the bench. 

Pablo is so fat he is going to play third base and left field. And bat second and third. 

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Jeb Bush has ended his candidacy for the republican nomination. Please clap. 

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Former Dallas Cowboy running back, Joseph Randle, has been arrested for the 5th time in 17 months. It’s all part of the NFL’s alumni program: Ten Strikes and You’re Out. 

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At a concert at the Forum in L.A. to introduce a band, Kris Jenner was booed off the stage. It was the worst reception anyone in her family has received since Kim Kardashian walked into a Mensa meeting by mistake.