When I lived in the Village in New York, one gorgeous, crisp fall morning, I put this, "Wild West End" on my Walkman and walked around getting so homesick for Santa Barbara I almost cried. 

Dire Straits - Wild West End + lyrics

My new favorite stupid joke:


Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

Things You Might Hear on the Missing Malaysian Plane’s Black Box

“Gosh, Mr. Pilot, I’ve never given a lap dance in a cockpit before.”

“When I get confused sometimes I ask; What would Justin Bieber do?”

“Hey, I got a good idea, let’s buzz Vladimir Putin’s place.”

“Yo, flight attendant, who do I have to sleep with to get another vodka tonic?”

“I know what will wake us up, let’s play some Yanni.”

“Wait, what do you mean you’re really a male stripper dressed as a pilot? I’m a male stripper dressed as a pilot.”

“Kim Jong Un will give us how much for hijacking this thing?”

"You want to know how I know this is good stuff? I got it from Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford."

“Don’t worry, we have as much chance of crashing as Chris Brown does of getting arrested again.”

“You call that flying close to the water? I'll show you flying close to the water.”

And The last Thing You Might Hear on the Missing Malaysian Plane’s Black Box

"What does this button do?" 

In an interview, Khloe Kardashian described her vagina as “Large and in charge.” To which an anonymous ex-boyfriend of Khloe sneered; 

“Try Cavernous and Ravenous.”

Rolling Stone, Keith Richards is writing a children’s book. It’s called; “Green Eggs and Rezzbrahzeraesserrfershas.”

The Florida ex-cop who shot a man for texting during a movie had texted right before. His text was; “Hey, some a-hole is texting during the movie.”

Way to go, Florida. Just when we think you can't get anymore Florida, you get more Florida. 

The debate rages over whether Crimea will rejoin Russia. To which Siberia asked, “Hey, what about us?” And Russia said; “Nah, we’re good.”

A right wing pastor claims the movie “Frozen” will turn children gay; when asked why, the pastor said; 

“Well, just look at how they animated Kristoff. His broad shoulders, narrow waist and tight, tight delicious buns would turn anyone gay, n’est-ce pas?”

Random BS:

All you need to know about sports is that, in 1975, arguably the second greatest basketball coach alive next to John Wooden, Bob Knight, told Larry Bird to plan a life outside basketball because he was never going to make it in basketball.

When did chimps go from Tarzan’s cute Cheetah to face, eyeball, hands and penis eaters?

If life was fair, Olivia Wilde would be the woman who insists we see her naked all the time, not Lena Dunham.

When my ego gets too big, I just remind myself I once couldn't spell diarrhea close enough for spell check to recognize it.

See that skateboarder with the neck tattoo? He's going to Stanford. #WordsNeverSpoken

OK, radical feminists, who are we supposed to believe, you or the people who produce "Girls"?