A Chicago man shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. It could have been worse. He could have robbed a ballroom. 

A Chicago man shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. With a gunshot wound to the penis, police know he’s not a hardened criminal.

A Chicago man shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. And it was a cold night, so now he is considered a sharpshooter. 


A Chicago man accidentally shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. Here’s my question: did they have to say accidentally shot himself in the penis? No man in history has ever intentionally shot himself in the penis.

You have to have cojones full of bolognese to fly the Interwebbienet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Happy National Sandwich Day. Have you heard of the Paul Manafort sandwich? It’s a bunch of cheesy bologna that’s on anything but a roll.

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There was an awkward moment at the parade for the Houston Astros when they told Jose Altuve he wasn't tall enough to ride on the float.



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A Chicago man shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. It could have been worse. He could have robbed a ballroom. 

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It has been a rough year for the  0-8 Cleveland Browns. The Cleveland Browns’ youngest kid fans are being told by their parents that the Dog Pound was sent to live on a farm.

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Donald Trump is under fire for not vetting Paul Manafort. It was awkward when Trump replied, “Why should I vet? I don’t have a dog.”

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A rogue Twitter employee took down Donald Trump’s account for 11 minutes. That Twitter employee is being considered for the Congressional medal of honor. 

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Donald Trump has begun a 12-day trip to Asia. The goal in the 12-day trip to Asia is to be able to teach Trump how to pronounce “China.”

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A Twitter employee on his last day took down Donald Trump’s Twitter account for 11 minutes. Or as Trump calls that 11 minutes: “That scary time.” 

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Donald Trump said he did not remember a long meeting with a top campaign staffer, George Papadopoulos. Trump really does have the best memory. The kind that only remembers what he wants.

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Donald Trump tweeted a congratulations to the Houston Astros for winning the World Series. It was awkward when Trump said the team was named after his favorite cartoon space dog. 

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Donald Trump said he did not remember top campaign staffer, George Papadopoulos. Don’t confuse Papadopoulos with “Good Morning America’s” George Stephanopoulos. But if you combine Stephanopoulos and Papadopoulos, you get PleaseStopPapa’sPoleDance.

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Starbucks is now offering holiday cups that their customers can color. That’s almost as good an idea as letting customers write their own correctly-spelled names.

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Donald Trump cannot wait to invite the Houston Astros to the White House. They’re named after Trump’s favorite cartoon space dog. 


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Donald Trump denied knowing George Papadopoulos. Here is a list of some things the name Papadopoulos has been mistaken for:

Papa’s pole dance

Papa’s a Galapagos (Sorry. That’s just Larry King’s kids)

Papyrus Polo Dabber

Platypus Proliferator  

Pope On Top Of Us (Sorry, that is a fantasy of two Vatican nuns) 

Topo Gigio Puppeteer 

Papa John’s Pizza Puker. 

Paul Manafort Poopy Diaper

Poppy Pinched a Pooper (Sorry, that is for the relatives of George H.W. Bush) 


Since you asked:

Here is a fun and touching memory from working on Wall Street I call,

“Lex Worked On Wall Street.”

One summer on the trading floor, there was lull for a few days due to everyone, traders and us brokers, waiting for economic figures from the Federal Reserve's money supply to come out.

In a boredom that can only be compared to a tall ship stranded for a week in dead calm on the Indian Ocean, we went four days with nary a phone ringing. Nary a ring.

One of the best brokers and biggest characters, a large snaggle-toothed, pock-faced, chain-smoking, heavy-drinking Irishman named Tom O’Connor, whom everyone affectionately called Tock, started reading out-loud, in his smoke-rasp voice, from “Penthouse Forum.”

"Dear Penthouse:

My girlfriend enjoys giving me oral sex, but she hates the taste of my sperm. Is there anything I can do?

Signed,

Spews Bad News”

And "Penthouse" responded,

“Dear Spews:

This is your lucky day. Drinking pineapple juice will directly and  significantly sweeten the taste of your semen.”


The next day, when lunch was delivered by the local delis, there were over two cases of pineapple juice cans. 

Our boss and the owner of the company, a six-five, volatile financial genius, named Hilliard, lost his mind. 

“Who the hell ordered all of this goddamn pineapple juice?” 

The office manager, an old Jersey guy named Lenny, ran up to Hill and whispered the explanation in his ear complete with the Bayonne accompanying hand gestures.

Slowly, Hill turned around, with his back to us, and started shaking his huge shoulders with suppressed laughter. Finally he turns around and yells to the whole trading floor,

“As if anyone is going to blow you stupid assholes.”

And thus ends another heartwarming and tender story of “Lex Worked On Wall Street.” 





  

A Turnt 'Taint ain't great, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Colorado company is making a deodorant with whisky. “This is a great idea,” said Highway patrolmen behind in their DUI arrest quota. 

 These are the products that result when you legalize marijuana in a state.

Disgraced congressman sexter, Anthony Weiner, has been sentenced to a medical center for sex offenders. Lucky for Weiner, just in time for their Fall turnabout dance.

Congratulations to the Houston Astros for winning a great World Series. But game 7 at Dodger Stadium was so boring, by the 6th inning, Larry King’s head had retracted back into his shell.

We had a group of trick-or-treaters who were so slow, they showed up the night after Halloween. That will teach them to dress as the Cleveland Browns.

 There were so many pitching changes in game 7 of the World Series, Larry King had to use another slab of stone for his scorecard.

We had trick-or-treaters who showed up last night, two days after Halloween. They were dressed as game 5 of the World Series. 

Game 7 of the World Series was so long, some of the actors Kevin Spacey hit on were of legal age by the end.

Dodger Cody Bellinger set a record of 17 strikeouts in a World Series. . Some of his swings were the ugliest thing in baseball since Marge Schott owned the Cincinnati Reds. 

Disgraced congressman sexter, Anthony Weiner, has been sentenced to a medical center for sex offenders. It is the first facility to issue soap-on-a-rope so patients don’t drop it in the shower.

The Los Angeles Dodgers lost the World Series to the Houston Astros. The good news for the Dodgers is they are the only group of rich guys in LA who have not been accused of sexual harassment.

Papa John’s claims NFL anthem protests are hurting their pizza sales. In an equally sensible statement, Chipotle blames their awful queso sauce on NHL players fighting.

Congratulations to the Houston Astros for winning a great World Series. But game 7 at Dodger Stadium was so boring, some the Hollywood producers there had to harass themselves.

In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag contained meth. The parents say, next year, they will not let their child dress up as the mayor Gainesville, Fla. 

In retrospect, the saddest part of Halloween was the kids dressed as the Cleveland Browns who were not strong enough to ring our doorbell.

Since you asked:

John "Papa John" Schnatter, Phil "Nike" Knight and Donald Trump are all examples of how it is possible to be a billionaire and an idiot at the same time. 

Andy Dick. Kevin Spacey. Woody Allen. Bill Cosby. Harvey Weinstein. Somebody needs to put a zipper over the wood in the Hollywood sign.

(The picture from the talented Abbe Nelson)

True Faith by New Order (with lyrics)

Actor Kevin Spacey has come out as gay following sexual harassment allegations from a young actor 20 years ago. As a result they’re changing “House of Cards” to “Kevin Can’t Wait.” 

The Houston Astros beat the LA Dodgers, 13-12. There are more beards at that game then the female dates at the Tony Awards. 

The Houston Astros beat the LA Dodgers, 13-12. Pitchers on both sides claim the balls are slippery. It’s called the Kevin Spacey defense.

The Houston Astros beat the LA Dodgers, 13-12. Pitchers on both sides claim the balls are slippery. It’s being called the Harvey Weinstein effect. 

The Houston Astros beat the LA Dodgers, 13-12. There are more beards at that game then Kevin Spacey’s dates for the Emmys.