We gonna take that batch on the natch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tiny group
At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was booed by a group titled “Blacks Against Obama.” That group is only a little bigger than Whites For Jesse Jackson.

Too bad
New York city strippers say they are losing money due to the troubles on Wall Street. You know what this means? A shortage in the future of neurosurgeons named Tiffany and Amber.

Almost done
Britney Spears mother, Lynn, has written a book on parenting. And I’m going to read it as soon as I am done with “The Donald Trump Book on Hairstyling.”

Shocker
Clay Aiken has announced he is gay. That means hey Ryan Seacrest, you’re the last one, so don’t forget to turn out the light when you come out of the closet.

Clay Aiken has announced he is gay. Next thing you know Rueben Stoddard will announce he is plus-sized.

Leeft offf
Cuba says Russia is going to help them develop a space program. In honor of Castro, this will be the first space ship ignited with a cigar.

Big score
A documentary on 81-year-old Fidel Castro claims Fidel slept with 35,000 women. Really? 35,000? I can’t keep an accurate score when I go bowling.

Fidel slept with 35,000 women. How did he even find time to light his cigars?

I’m sure it has nothing to do with his being president of a country, we all know women love guys who wear goofy green caps, smoke stinky cigars and have a straggly beard.

Good team
Paris Hilton is teaming with Ryan Seacrest to write a scripted TV show. It will be based on their real lives. The working title is “The Skanker and the Wanker.”

Chick, chick, chick flick
The Richard Gere, Diane Lane movie “Nights in Rodanthe” opens this weekend. “Nights in Rodanthe” is for those movie lovers who can’t handle all the macho violence and potty humor of “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.”

That's about right
David Blaine announced he is going to hang upside down for sixty hours in Central Park. In far more relevant and important news, today my dog, Wrigley, licked his butt.

And, in a related story, George Michael announced he is going to hang upside down for sixty hours in a Central Park men’s room.

The mornin' country show
You know what would have made a great ticket? Ex-Russian President Vladimir Putin and Sarah Palin. Putin and Palin. It sounds like the worst country radio morning show ever. “Howdy, I’m Putin. “And I’m Palin.” "Together were Putin and Palin your mornin’ away. Nee Haw!”

Uh, no sir, that's not, oh forget it
“The Mentalist” debuts this week on CBS. There was an awkward moment when President Bush heard about “The Mentalist” and said; “The P.C. term is mentalistly challenged.”

Since you asked:
It was the 30th anniversary of the tragic PSA Flight 182 crash here in San Diego yesterday. For whatever reason this has knocked me sideways. It feels so eerie. The weather is just like it was that day. The light of the sky is the same. And at 9:02. A.M.135 souls perished. Just an hour before that they had been reading “USA Today’s” and drinking bad McDonalds coffee and hearing endless announcements overhead in the L.A. terminal trying not to think about the ever-worsening economy. They walked down the gate tunnel into the sudden quiet of the plane smelling the distant diesel fumes and the smell of the cabin which is a combination airplane seat smell and air conditioning system. They had time for one soft drink and peanuts.

Just like you and I have done a thousand of times.

This may sound creepy, but I Google’d PSA 182, read the story and discovered where the crash site was and then looked at it on Google earth. Is that morbid? Maybe, but it was done with a feeling of great respect and sympathy and empathy. If you want to see it is an unremarkable street of tract homes near the 805 freeway in North Park. The crash site was on Boundary between Dwight and Evan. They have a plaque there where they planted a tree in memory of the victims.

Could it really have been thirty years ago? I was starting out at my beloved UCSB. I had already joined my fraternity, Sigma Chi. It was right about then that I figured that I needed to switch my major from English to communications studies with a minor in English primarily because English was too much work and all the hot sorority women were majoring in communications. I was working out at the track every day for the Decathlon even though I was red-shirting as a transfer and couldn’t compete.

At the time I remember thinking it was weird that I didn't have much of any concept of what San Diego was. All I know were the Chargers had Dan Fouts at quarterback and it was next to Mexico. My parents and I had visited the SDSU campus and got a tour from the track coach three years prior.

If I have to say it, I'll say it: life is short.

Life is just one freakin' thang after another, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We have leeeeeft off
Cuba says Russia is going to help them develop a space program. Hmm. Not to be insulting, but do we need a country building a space program that can’t make rafts that can make it 90 miles?

Apparently Cuba is an acronym for Can’t Understand Basic Aeronautics.

Well, good for him
John McCain has 13 vehicles. And, when he drives, he can see over the dashboard of five of them.

Yikes
British scientists are seeking permission to combine human cells with rabbit cells; women, you thought guys were too quick to the draw before?

Phrasing
Economists continue to call what’s happening on Wall Street “a correction.” That’s like calling the Bush presidency interesting.

Economists continue to call what’s happening on Wall Street “a correction.” That’s like a doctor calling a colonoscopy a sneak peak through the cheeks.

Not for that, gramps
An aide to John McCain claims that John McCain had a hand in creating the BlackBerry; but when they gave McCain a BlackBerry he complained that it wouldn’t open his garage door.

Signs down
A Florida judge has ruled a town’s law against low-hanging pants is illegal; now they’ll have to take down their signs: “If we can see your crack, don’t come back.”

Not bad
Bill Clinton was on “The View” for one hour. Bill did extremely well, he set a new male record by actually getting in over ten words sideways.

Oh, please
Sarah Palin said she saw the Tina Fey skit on “Saturday Night Live” but with the sound off. Right, and the check is in the mail, the guy promises he’ll call the drunk girl he nailed and our stock market is experiencing a correction.

Snap that, Slap that and Tap that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


New Jersey’s oldest man died at 111. You know why he lived so long? He didn’t want to be caught dead in New Jersey. (We kid the beautiful Garden State, J-Dawg Money)



In a speech in Michigan, Joe Biden said that John McCain is the sequel to President Bush and that the sequel is always worse than the original. Hello? Am I the only one who saw “Deuce Bigalow European Gigilo?”


At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters from a group called “Blacks Against Obama.” Afterwards “Blacks Against Obama” celebrated by getting their very own booth at TGIF.

Economists continue to call what’s happening on Wall Street “a correction.” That’s like calling what happened to Sarah Palin’s 16-year-old daughter a slight display of affection.


At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters from a group called “Blacks Against Obama.” “Blacks Against Obama” has one more member than the two smallest political groups: “Straight Males for Hillary” and “Anyone for Ralph Nader.”


A spokesperson for John McCain announced Sarah Palin will not talk to the press “Until reporters can address her with respect and deference.” And then they added, “Now sit up straight and finish your vegetables or you’re going to your room.”


Sculptor Bruno Lucchesi unveiled his statue of 1959 Heisman trophy winner, Ernie Davis, at Syracuse with a modern-day helmet and a pair of Nikes on his feet. Currently, Luccesi is working on a statue of Babe Ruth text messaging Lou Gehrig.


A 33-year-old mother in Wisconsin tried to steal her 15-year-old daughter’s identity to try out for the high school cheerleading team. Bless the white trash, they just keep getting classier and smarter.


A 33-year-old mother in Wisconsin tried to steal her 15-year-old daughter’s identity to try out for the high school cheerleading team. Authorities are shocked a person could smoke that much crystal meth and still live.


A 33-year-old mother in Wisconsin tried to steal her 15-year-old daughter’s identity to try out for the high school cheerleading team. Have you seen the woman’s mug shot? Forget cheerleading, this woman is so old and ugly she couldn’t make the biology department’s cadaver team.

Since you asked:

My ten-year-old daughter Ann Caroline amazes me and not just when she is on a soccer field faking out a defender in a breakaway and drilling a ball past the goalie, or running down and knocking away a breakaway to save a goal.

Ann Caroline loves doing homework.

She excitedly announces in the car coming home from school that she has a big assignment and can’t wait to get it started. (This is when I think of having her take a DNA test, but then I remember her soccer playing and I am comforted that she is, in part, mine)

When Ann Caroline gets home, she runs into the living room and eagerly unpacks her books and papers and proceeds to neatly organize them on the two couches and the coffee table. Then she hops around on her knees on the oriental rug, referencing the books and jotting down answers quietly and happily muttering and humming to herself.

One time I looked in at her and she was on the phone with one of her friends in class and they were discussing a project on volcanoes;

“Should I open with Mount Saint Helens or Pompei?” She said while reviewing pictures she had printed off the Internet like a designer looking at swatches. “Uh huh. Hmm. Well the lava statues of the Pompei victims are dramatic. Yes, but Mount Saint Helens is more current . . .”

At ten years old, she has all the confidence and self assurance of a Master of the Universe; she looks like a big shot politician polishing his speech or a Madison Avenue tycoon reviewing a huge advertising presentation. Or a studio executive listening to a movie pitch.

“OK, give it to me in twenty words or less.”

Sorry for the shameless Daddy bragging, but I don’t know where she gets it, but she’s got it. Something makes me think a lot of the credit does go to soccer. She has learned early that working hard and having fun can be the same thing. But the most important things to her are her family – including the dogs - and her friends. Her priorities came fully organized and installed.

She may get some of it from watching her Mom, my wife, Virginia, because she loves her corporate loan clients and does well at her job as a lender/banker. Or possibly watching me dive into writing jokes on the ‘puter with glee or dancing around and singing while grilling outside.

But it probably just comes from her.

Speaking of the dogs and the new grill, the new barbeque island is this massive L-shaped aircraft carrier made out of stucco with a sandstone top. (When the big one goes off that is where I am headed. It looks like a bunker) It has two double steel doors for storage under the 34-inch all-stainless steel grill, arr, arr, arr, arr, a sink and a small refrigerator and a ton of counter space.

What I didn’t know was the workers had slightly moved the refrigerator gearing up to hooking it up. As I was getting ready to grill some of my world famous grilled quesadillas,* I went outside to fire up the grill. After it had heated up a touch, I went searching for the big wooden grill wire brush to brush clean the grill.

So I bent over and popped open one of the steel double doors.

No sooner than I could yell “Ahhhhh” at the top of my lungs, out popped Wrigley. (The youngest and clowniest of our two yellow labs) That chowder-head dog nearly scared me to death. He had squeezed in between the space in the island for the refrigerator and the refrigerator, but somehow couldn’t figure out how to get back out. He’d only been in there for a few minutes, but he wanted out now and practically jumped on top of me.

As soon as I was sure I wasn’t going to have a heart attack, I was laughing my ass off. He is now unofficially the “Pop goes the weasel” dog.




* Get a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store or your local version of Costco. Pull off the chicken meat and store it in a plastic Tupperware-like container.

Buy homemade flour tortillas – much better than the big brands – and take one and liberally spread out shredded Monterey jack cheese. Liberally add chicken chunks and chopped green Chilis. (Mild, not hot) Cover with another tortilla for the second layer and repeat. Cover with the third tortilla. Smoosh down pretty good with your palm to flatten and evenly distribute the cheese and chicken.

Preheat the grill to about 400 or 500. Place the quesadillas (I usually make two) on the grill, rotate 90 degrees after a minute and a half or so and then flip, rotate and bam. You should see cross grill marks but don’t burn the tortillas. Place a tin foil tent top and serve it with refried beans, blue corn chips and a fruit salad. Cut the quesadillas into quarters.

Bam the plate with chopped cilantro and spoon on fresh salsa on top of the quartered quesadillas.

Crispy and crunchy on the outside and gewey and soft chewy on the inside plus it picks up some smoke flavor from the grill.

You’re welcome, bitches.

It got to get it going on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Pulitzer heads up
Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. Yikes. Trying to write a script with Paris Hilton is like trying to paint a mural with Stevie Wonder.

Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. This could make entertainment industry history as the first script ever created via text messages.

Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are going to team up to write a scripted series. In fact, Paris has already written 100 pages. But really only four pages if you take out the words “like” and “whatever.”

Not good
To give you an idea how bad the economy is, today in Washington, a congressman’s bribe bounced.

Go figure
“Newsweek” revealed that John McCain owns 13 cars. And all of them have their left turn signal left on.

The critics have spoken, sort of
Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. “I bet that will be brilliantly written” said absolutely nobody.

This thing wrote itself
Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. Paris has already written her first script in only seven words: “Get naked. Have sex. Look stupid. Repeat.”

Fuhgetaboutit, Gramps
The oldest living person in New Jersey passed away at 111; that’s not the most amazing part. Do you know how the 111-year-old New Jersey man died? Whacked by the mob.

How old is he?
Not to exaggerate how old John McCain is, but when McCain first got to Washington DC. George Washington called it: Me D.C.

Those were the days
On this date in 1776, Nathan Hale’s last words, before being executed by the British, were; “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.” Which beats our nation’s current motto; “Excuse me, this is an important call.”

Like dog years
Happy Birthday to Amy Winehouse, she turned 25. Which is 65 in Winehouse years.

Happy Birthday to Amy Winehouse, she turned 25. To celebrate Amy had that thing on her head blow out her birthday cake candles.

That was a good one
The HBO mini series “John Adams” won 13 Emmys including the episode titled; “John Adams Welcomes John McCain to Washington.”

Well crafted
Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest are getting together to write a scripted series. Paris has already written her first script in only seven words: “Get naked. Have sex. Look stupid. Repeat.”

We up and J-Dawgin’ this here this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Sometimes booze alone just does not explain it
A drunk man in England was arrested for having sex with the front of his truck; the bad news is he went to jail, the good news is he discovered his truck was a quart low on oil.

Speeding it up
Police in California are searching for a Taco Bell employee who stabbed two customers; apparently he got bored of killing customers slowly by serving them Taco Bell food.

How hot is it?
Man it is hot. I’m sweatin’ like a stock broker calling his clients.

Please, we are begging you
In Nebraska police are looking for a guy who smears Vaseline over his rear end and presses it against store windows. For the love of decency, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, get some help.

Not the same
It doesn’t seem the OJ Simpson defense team is as good as his old one. Remember Johnny Cochran’s “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit?” All they have is; “Give OJ back his memorabilia or he’ll make you bleed like you got hemophilia.”

Yikes
On the “Today” show, Kathy Lee Gifford had her makeup removed on air; “Today” show viewers described it as eerily similar to Katie Couric’s colonoscopy.

High falootin’
The stock market roared back over 400 points last week. When asked if this market ascension was an affirmation of the Fed’s projected restorative financial program or just compensatory short-term gain-taking, President Bush said; “Them big words has got my head a hurtin’.”

Easy to spot
In Nebraska police are looking for a guy who smears Vaseline over his rear end and presses it against store windows. Police described the culprit as male, about five six and most probably the only gay man in the state of Nebraska.

Authorities want to charge him with vandalism, and NBC wants him to create a prime time sitcom.