It is hard out here

What we is is the is that it is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Driving with the drunks
“The Sixth Sense” child star Haley Joel Osment, 18, will be charged with a DUI and misdemeanor possession of marijuana. “I see Deadhead people.”

I had a good day. I drove through Hollywood and I didn’t get hit by one drunk movie star.

In his plea bargain for drunk driving charges, Mel Gibson must attend A.A. meetings, perform public service announcements and pay $1,300 in fines. In addition, they sentenced Mel to Hebrew  classes and to watch six episodes of Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

The house that Uncouth Built     
They broke ground on the new one billion dollar Yankee Stadium. Everything is state of the art. Even the urinals will come with their own test tubes.

The acoustics will be amazing, the home plate umpire will be able to hear a guy from the last row tell him to go screw himself.

Scary flight
A flight from London to Washington DC had to be diverted to Boston when a woman became so hysterical she urinated on the cabin floor. I’m telling you, those snakes on planes will scare the living piss out of you.

Right after that she was arrested, not for being hysterical but for bringing that water on to a plane.


No time for a Fantasy in Football
It’s that time of year where guys who play fantasy football are getting ready for their draft. These guys take it so seriously, they don’t have time to pay attention to their imaginary girlfriends.

Right man for the job
Former Chargers Linebacker Junior Seau held a huge press conference in San Diego to announce his retirement from football and then two days later he signed with the New England Patriots. In short, Junior announced he was doing one thing, was offered some money and then turned around and did the opposite. Seau shouldn’t be a linebacker, he should be congressman.

It is hard out here

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude we in the mood, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Traveling tips
Due to the foiled terrorist threat, you can no longer bring bottled water on a plane. Unless you hide the water bottle inside your poisonous snake.

What is going on? We can’t bring water on a plane but a water moccasin is fine.

So how does “Snakes on a Plane” work? “Please stow your Python in the overhead storage compartment or on the floor underneath the seat in front of you.”

Another timely tip
After ten years, the Bolder, Colo police have arrested a suspect in connection to the Jon Benet Ramsey murder. In addition, they said they have a hot lead on who kidnapped the Lindberg baby.

The Jon Benet murder suspect was in Bangkok where he was under investigation for sex crimes; how much of a pervert do you have to be to commit what is considered a sex crime in Bangkok? That’s like being sentenced to an anger management class in Baghdad.  

Insult to injury
Running back Lee Suggs was deemed unfit to play for the New York Jets. That’s rough. It’s like losing in ‘Jeopardy’ to Britney Spears.

New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush was fined $10,000 because he wore Adidas cleats instead of the NFL sanctioned Reeboks or Nike. This is the largest shoe-related fine since the “Queer Eye” guys fined Donald Trump $15,000 for wearing white shoes after Labor day.

Pay it forward
“The Sixth Sense” child star Haley Joel Osment, 18, will be charged with a DUI and misdemeanor possession of marijuana. “I see Deadhead people.”

Mel, such a deal you got
In his plea bargain for drunk driving charges, Mel Gibson must attend A.A. meetings, perform public service announcements and pay $1,300 in fines. In addition, they sentenced Mel to Hebrew awareness classes and to watch six episodes of Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

It is hard out here

What up wit da what up, is we gonna put up and shut up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Invading Paris
For the second time, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet Kinkajou. If you ask me that thing is just a filthy disease carrying troublemaker. And the Kinkajou is pretty nasty too.

Paris Hilton is auctioning her bed for charity. So far the leading bidder is the Center for Disease Control.

That sounds about right
A poll reveals most Americans can identify more of the seven dwarfs than the Supreme Court justices. Upon hearing this, President Bush said; “Everyone knows the Supreme Court justices are Clarence Thomas, Anthony Scalia, John Roberts, David Souter, Doc, Sneezy and Bashful.  


The very next day
On this date in 1939 “The Wizard of Oz” opened. And the very next day was the first Dorothy-look-alike drag queen contest.


Material Older gal
Happy Birthday to Madonna. In her show the 48-year-old Madonna doesn’t act her age. Of course, if you’ve seen her movies you know that Madonna doesn’t act period.

Happy Birthday to Madonna who looks amazing at 48. To celebrate, Madonna made a wish and then blew out her movie career.

Since you asked;
Maybe the trouble started when her parents named after Paris. It should be a surprise that somebody named Paris would be a lazy, untalented skank? They should have named her London. Sure, she would have bad teeth and not be able to cook, but she would have been very proper.

Can a birthday brother get a righteous whatupizzy one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Fear Factor

There is a lot of talk about the upcoming two-biggest-fears horror film “Snakes on a Plane.” Look for the even scarier sequel; “Seated Next to a Jehovah’s Witness on a Plane.”

If this works look for the upcoming, “Lawyers in an Insurance Seminar.”

Or the other two-scariest-things film “PMS Soccer Moms at a Shoe Sale.”

“Stuttering Computer help technician on your battery-dying cell phone.”

“Mel Gibson at an Open Bar Jewish Wedding Reception.”

“Rosie O’Donnell at the All-You-Can-Eat Red Lobster buffet.”

Dell Hell
Due to all the excitement about “Snakes on a Plane” Hollywood is jumping on the two-primal-fears theme. Look for the upcoming; “Proctologist on a Caffeine Jag.

Dell had to recall over four million laptops because the batteries were catching fire. You thought you had a bad virus on your laptop before? Wait until your pants are in flames.

Dell had to recall over four million laptops because the batteries were catching fire. In one second your laptop could start flaming, so they sent them back and renamed them Lance Bass.

Take two
Porn Star Mary Carey announced she is going to run again against Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor of California. It was a little embarrassing, when they asked Carey about her constituency, she said; “The penicillin cleared it right up.”

And Jolly Rogers
2,000 people showed up for the first national Mensa convention in Orlando. As everyone knows, those geniuses can’t get enough of Disney World and Hooters.

Baby bites
Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet Kinkajou, Baby Love. But don’t worry, everything is fine, they treated the Kinkajou with penicillin so it didn’t catch anything.

Last week, 3 Pakistani men were arrested after police found them with 1000 cell phones. Either they planned to use the 1,000 cell phones as bomb detonators, or they were going to enter the World’s Most Annoying People contest.

Fun facts
On this date in 1939 “The Wizard of Oz” opened. And the very next day was the first Dorothy-look-alike drag queen contest.

Happy Birthday to Madonna who looks amazing at 48. To celebrate, Madonna made a wish and then blew out her movie career.