It is hard out here

Wing it and sting it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s a relief
The Senate voted down a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. If it had passed, this would only ban gay marriage in the U.S., not England, so Prince Charles and Camilla are safe.

Makes sense
Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. If it’s a girl Anna is going to name it Gold, Digger for a boy.

Come on already
A study indicates that people are getting more rude, angry and impatient. Like I have time to hear idiotic studies like this. Jeeze that pisses me off.

That should do it
The Senate voted down President Bush’s gay marriage ban. President Bush was so upset, to perk up Bush’s spirits, Dick Cheney shot a lawyer.


Shoot out
Gun violence in New York City is up 12%. To show how bad it is, today somebody shot a hole through Donald Trump’s hair.

Gun violence in New York City is up 12%. In Times Square, the hookers are offering $50 to check if you’re packing.


Breaching Presidential protocol
A small plane breached the White House air space. It was serious, to notify the President, they had to break policy and interrupt Bush during an episode of “Sponge Bob Square Pants.”

Or something like that
Doctors have come up with a medical name for road rage. It’s called Douche-bag-osis.

Yesterday was 6,6,6, Satan’s birthday. So they surprised Dick Cheney with a cake.  


Not quite the same
The Senate voted down President Bush’s amendment to ban gay marriage. In a weak response, President Bush then asked for an amendment to ban men from shopping at Pier One.

Enough already
Even though President Bush supports a gay marriage ban, Vice President Dick Cheney does not. Cheney then went on to tell his lesbian daughter to stop twisting his arm.

And he means it
Arizona Diamondback pitcher, Jason Grimsley, was released due to a steroid investigation; an angry Grimsley denied the charge and said that anyone who didn’t believe he didn’t use steroids he would swat with his tail.  


Oops
In Russia, a man was killed by Lions after he crawled into their cage and shouted, “God will keep me safe.” Sadly, afterwards, god said; “Sorry, I was on the other line. What did the nut-job say?”

How we livin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Makes sense
Anna Nicole Smith announced that she is pregnant. Anna doesn’t care if it is a girl or a boy just as long as the father is rich and old.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget
President Bush has said that he is opposed to the Spanish version of the National Anthem. It was a little awkward when Bush went on say that he thought it is enough that our National Anthem begins with a shout-out to that Mexican fella, Jose Canusee.

Get it?
President Bush is serious about cracking down on illegal immigrants from Mexico; Bush said he won’t be happy with the immigrant crackdown until Juan is the loneliest number.


Get it again?
Paris Hilton has a new CD which Paris said combines hip hop and pop songs. Music experts, however, say Paris’s album combines Country and Rap, or as we call that, Crap.

Might want to wait
President Bush is giving a speech to launch a bill to ban gay marriages; in short, if you are a gay Mexican couple planning to migrate to the US to get married, now may not be the best time.

That sounds about right
For the first time, Britney Spears is no longer the most Googled person, it is now porn star Jenna Jameson. The difference between them is Jenna gets paid to lie around and have sex while Britney is married to someone who gets paid to lie around and have sex.

Royal hosing
In baseball, the Kansas City Royals are 14 and 40. This team is so bad even the Chicago Cubs are making fun of them.

The Royals are so bad, today commissioner Bud Selig ordered Barry Bonds to send them a case of Steroids.

The Kansas City Royals are so bad that, yesterday, at the top of the third inning, a New York Knicks game broke out.

Not good
According to odds makers, the U.S. Soccer team has only a 1 in 80 chance of winning the World Cup; to give you an idea how tough 80-to-1 is, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears have a better chance to win; “Parents of the Year.”

Nice change
San Diego had its annual Rock and Roll marathon Sunday. It’s a marathon with dozens and dozens of bands playing along the course. For a change you get to see people running from a band that doesn’t have Michael Bolton singing in it.


Screwed
The price oil of is out the roof, the stock market went in the tank, illegal immigrants are getting deported and gay marriage is going to be unconstitutional. How’d you like to trade places with a gay-married illegal Mexican stock broker who drives a Hummer?