This just in:


The Supreme Court shot down the Stolen Valor Act essentially making it legal to lie about military service; why I haven't been this upset since they told me I couldn't tell people I shot Osama bin Laden.


Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and know you're shit. 


(Funny Ted on Twitter) 

We heard tell Ned Doheny has da kine Wahine, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Man it is hot across the country. Even teams who play the Chicago Cubs are sweating.

It is so hot, MItt Romney is riding on top of the car with his dog.

It is so hot, people besides Lindsay Lohan are being treated for dehydration.




Since you asked:
Here is what I want to see. (apologies John Snake) A tour of Bernie Leadon, Ned Doheny, Randy Meisner and J. D. Souther. Call the band The Troubador All Stars. 


With the band of Danny "Kooch"Kortchmar, Lee Sklar and Russ Kunkel. 

New and classic/hits material. If they need a harmonica player, I am their man. 


P.S. I would like to thank "The Stand UP Journal" and SUP Love, Laird Hamilton and Robby Naish for awarding me three J.D Powers and Associates  Awards for my tireless and selfless promotion of the sport of Stand Up Paddle Boarding. 


You couldn't have done it without me. 

From the brilliant Alex Gregory

Here is the Mister Wrigley basking in the last ray of sun. 

A man was found naked and covered in New Jersey swamp mud. Trust me, naked and covered in New Jersey swamp mud is the last place any guy wants to be. Well, besides in Applebee's on his birthday with a girl wearing a "Yay, I Pooped Today" t-shirt.

Good luck to fellow Gaucho, Ryan Martin, on his attempt to make the Olympic team for the 800. Or as I call Martin, The Flying Sasquatch. Go Gaucho Gold!

Dogs Surfing - Photos - SI.com

Dogs Surfing - Photos - SI.com

Look at those big ol' puppy paws, oh my goodness . . .

The Subway Series between the New York Mets and New York Yankees is exciting; it determines who wins, the fuhgetaboutdose scumbags or the ball bustin' humps.

At the Olympic Trials, Ashton Eaton set a world record in the Decathlon, 9039 points despite competing in a torrential downpour. But in the London Olympics he could face harsher conditions; a torrential downpour, bad food and virtually no dental care. 

Here is the scariest part of Ashton Eaton's world record: Look at how much the rain hurt the other scores. Most were down two or three hundred off their P.R.'s. Ashton can run a 45 400 easily. His throws can and will improve a lot. He has gone from a 10.6 vaulter his Freshman year at U of O to 17.4. Saturday. Soon? 18 feet. On a dry track with no wind? This guy could vaporize the World Record. 9400. 

Remember, the points in the Decathlon tables are easier to get the higher your marks. It requires much more improvement distance and time-wise to go from 7,000 to 8,000 than 8,000 to 9,000. It is the only aspect of the Decathlon that is forgiving. 


Sure, the other-worldly-awesome Eugene/Hayward Field fans swung a few hundred points Ashton's way. Especially in the 1500 and pole vault. But with that bad weather, it was, I hate to say, a wash. 


Shall we talk about the 500 pound gorilla in the room? Performance enhancing drugs? I don't know. You don't know. Somebody knows. 


Much evidence points away from PED's. Leaner physiques, improvement in the technical events due to increased technology, 1500 meter times are way down. Huge advances in the last five years in nutrition and training. 


Ice baths? Dynamic stretching versus the old muscle-ripping static stretching? Deep muscle massages? Core workouts? Green screen and electrodes to fine tune technique? Lighter and stronger gear through synthetic materials? Running with a parachute? 

All new since I competed. And they are random drug testing all the time.

Let's put it this way. You take a 24-year-old two-time-gold-medal-winner, Daley Thompson, wean him off steroids (yes, I believe he was on the juice) and get him off of his horrific junk food addiction, train him with all the modern advances, and he puts up Ashton Eaton-like scores. In the Decathlon speed kills. 



But they can't test for human growth and they may be a lighter and impossible- to -detect steroid available. All of this has happened before. 


Maybe the soon-to-be-excruciating public crucification of Lance Armstrong will prove to be another deterrent? 


Any and all credibility gaps are track and Nike's own fault for being so damn greedy in the ugly "Carl Lewis and other steroid cheats are killing track's popularity" years. 


In fact, I told one of the Nike honchos that very thing when I interviewed there for the track marketing job circa 1993. 


They thought I was an idiot. 

Nike, you can deposit the $100,000 directly into my bank account if you don't want to send a check. Between my getting more jokes published and broadcast and the Olympics coming up? This is only going to get uglier.

27 Feet. Decathlon World Record and ties second best long jump in the country. If there were any questions the winner of the Decathlon is the world's greatest athlete, Ashton Eaton answered them. 


Oh, you think maybe LeBron James or Josh Hamilton are better athletes? Fine. If they are the world's greatest athlete, give them a month or two to train for the Decathlon. Then have them compete against Ashton. If they score 7,000 points I'd be shocked. And that is 2,000 below Eaton. 


Jim Brown, Wilt Chamberlain and Bo Jackson - all three in the running for the greatest athletes ever - competed in Decathlons. Jackson was only in high school and Brown and Chamberlain competed in college. Even with Jackson's lightening fast 10.39 100  meters, all finished with respectable low-to-mid 6,000's. All were way down in the more technical events, discus, javelin, hurdles and especially the pole vault. 


Would they have done a lot better if they trained full time? Clearly.


Jackie Robinson never did a Decathlon, but his 100 and Long Jump results alone would have easily put in above 7,000 even with a marginal pole vault. 


This isn't Russia, Danny. We are only sending two athletes to compete in the London Olympics Decathlon because nobody finished above the Olympic standard of 8,200 after Eaton and Hardee. 


We should be allowed to send a full team of three and give Bryan Clay an exemption. He would have easily broken 8200 even with his stumble in the hurdles. 


As wonderful an event as the Decathlon is, it is singularly cruel in its ability to expose an athlete's weakness. Me? I had the mental and physical toughness, but I was way too tight. My success sadly culminated with a then-National best just-over 6,000 points at age 16 at the 1975 19-and-Under Junior Nationals at Cal State Hayward. (Won by Tony Hale from Fisk with something like 6874)


A month later I tore my hamstring after running a 4.5 40 for football. As a result I tore hamstrings and pulled backs and lost most of three full years of training in my 17 to 19 prime and constantly battled with injuries after that. (Truth be told, UCSB sorority girls and beer played a part) 


Bryan Clay has no such weaknesses. He has competed at the world's top level for over 12 years, which is unprecedented. At age 32 maybe rust, age and nerves caught up to him.


Clay had a lapse in the last two hurdles. OK, that is fine, he wasn't going to win the Decathlon, but he was still on track to qualify for the team and easily break the 8200 "A" standard. 


But when you have trained for over a year for an event and you have a huge disappointment in one event, the letdown is emotionally staggering. The urge to quit is overwhelming. 


Bryan Clay could not overcome that letdown and the best discus thrower in Decathlon history could not get a legal throw in. Insane. 


Bryan Clay is the reigning gold medal winner. He more than deserves a second chance and should be given the third spot on the 2012 Olympic Decathlon team. 


As a grateful country, let us not follow the shallow and vile acts of  those evil, greedy, Tiger-Woods-ass-smooching whores at Nike who dumped Clay as a sponsor. 


We are better than that. Hell, everyone is better than that. 

Louis C.K. Hates Twitter