Friday, April 04, 2003

Yo Playuhhh and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You never hear about him
It turns out Saddam Hussein has three sons. There is Uday (pig Latin for Dude) there is Qusay, and now it turns out there is also the sensitive artistic son, Bruceay

Tickets still available
U.S. troops in Iraq found thousands of boxes of white powder in viles. Do you realize what this means? Whitney Houston will be performing live in Baghdad.

Shut up unless your publicist OK’s it: Example # 4,435
Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder got boo’d at Denver when he defaced a George W. Bush mask on stage. It was during their new single; “Beat that, Dixie Chicks.”

Fashion mistake
The San Diego Padres recorded their first win of the season in a 6-1 trouncing of the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was military day. The Padres had on their military-inspired camouflage uniforms and, unfortunately for them, the Dodgers were dressed as the Iraqi republican guard.

Oh, that squid
In New Zealand they found a colossal 330 pound 16 foot squid with eyes as big as dinner plates and razor-sharp hooks on its tentacles. That is the biggest squid in the news since Geraldo.

And why wouldn’t she?
Jim Carrey's ex-wife wants a judge to award her more child support saying that their daughter cannot afford her own bodyguards, personal trainer or Pilates equipment. What? Why that’s child abuse. Next they are going to say the kid doesn’t have a masseuse.

Make them stay back a grade
Don’t you love it when Sec. of Def. Donald Rumsfeld gets cranky with the press? It reminds me of when the grumpy elementary school principal had to take over the class until the substitute teacher shows up. “Yes, you there. I’ve answered that. Next. Stupid question. Next.”

That would explain it
The numbers are in on Mardis Gras from New Orleans and business was down. Some think it was due to the economy, others say it was the war in Iraq. But most agree business was slower on Mardi Gras because Michael Moore insisted on flashing his breasts for glass beads.

Since you asked:

I got nothing today.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

Don’t be half-steppin all up in here or you gonna get crazy played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

That makes sense
*Saddam Hussein issued a statement offering cash rewards for anyone who help identify spies for the US- led coalition. The only person who has tried to cash in so far is Geraldo Rivera.

Call now
``Alias'' star Jennifer Garner and her husband, actor Scott Foley, are splitting. For all you guys who think they are interested in taking Jennifer on a date, please dial 1-800-U Trippin’.

Uday is Azycray
One of Saddam Hussein’s son is named Uday. Isn’t that pig Latin for Dude? Uday Husseinsay.

Have you seen the Iraqi Dell commercial? “Uday, you’re getting an Ellday.”

American Ego
*There will be another reality competition on NBC called “The Apprentice” where 20 executive wannabe’s work for Donald Trump and try not to get fired. Their tasks will include doing research, contacting customers and giving Trump his daily eyebrow comb-over.

Bird Flak
*The New York Yankees are upset over a Toronto Blue Jay newspaper ad that features a Yankee hat splattered with bird-doo. Careful, Toronto, that is how to get the two most annoying things in the world after you, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner and PETA.

*As our troops descend on Baghdad, Saddam Hussein issued a statement saying “Victory is at hand.” Unfortunately for Saddam, nobody can seem to locate his hand.

That’s well hit
*Barry Bonds first hit of the season was a 463-foot blast that highlighted the San Francisco Giants' 8-1 win over the San Diego Padres Tuesday night. To give you an idea how well Bonds hit that, chances are that ball would have been out even if Bonds wasn’t all jacked-up on steroids.

On the road again with Skip and Muffy
*Do you know what the latest vacation trend is with the rich and chic? Recreational vehicles. Yeah, RV’s are no longer just for retirees, they are going upscale. In fact, now you can get one of those hard hats with straws that hold two glasses of Chardonnay on top.

That explains it
The big thing now are low carbohydrate diets, like the Atkins diet. Have you ever talked to someone on one of these things? They won’t shut up about it. Apparently the first place you lose weight on a low-carb diet is the part of the brain that keeps you from being boring.