Friday, May 28, 2004

You best better recognize up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*I don’t want to imply that the series is over, but the Minnesota Timberwolves have as much chance to beat the 3-1 Los Angeles Lakers as William Hung had of winning “American Idol.”

Did you see that amazing basket after a foul under the basket by Kobe Bryant? It was Kobe’s most amazing backdoor shot since he ordered room service in Colorado.

That’s too bad
*According to a new study, men who drive Porsches are the most likely to have extramarital affairs. And men who drive Segway scooters are the most likely to date blow-up dolls.

C.U. at the party
*After booze, drugs and arranged sex scandals, suspended coach Gary Barnett has been reinstated as coach of the University of Colorado football team. And today, Dennis Rodman, Colin Ferrell and Nick Nolte signed letters of intent to play football for Colorado.

That should do it for now
*President Bush said we will eventually teardown Abu Ghraib prison. Until then, they will have to be happy with re-naming it Abu Ghraib-ass prison.

Warning: This one is really stupid
Abu-Ghraib is the prison in Iraq where the abuses took place. Now it turns out there is another prison, besides Abu Ghraib, where Iraqi prisoners were forced to watch endless Flintstones episodes. It’s called Abu Dabba Doo prison.

*Did you hear President Bush try and pronounce Abu Ghraib in his speech? I was afraid he was going to hurt himself: “Abu-Guriaahb, Abu-Guru-ahab, Abu . . . that place with them naked bag-headed fellers.”

Wing man
*John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president. It fly’s like Kerry: For a while it will use the left wing, then it switches over to the right wing, and back and forth.

At last
*Security officials in Iraq say that a number of suicide bombers are detonating prematurely. The bombs are going off before they even reach their target. Finally, some happy news from Iraq.

The search for the real scumbag is over
*O.J. Simpson is hoping to mark the 10th anniversary of wife Nicole's murder - along with the waiter Ron Goldman - by cashing in. Star Magazine reports that Simpson's attorney has been shopping his client around for paid interviews. This has to be the sleaziest stunt I’ve ever heard that didn’t include the names Jerry Springer, Don King or “Hustler’s” Larry Flynt.

Since you asked:
Are you a big fan of the Conan O’Brien? He is awesome. I love it when he comes out and the crowd is rowdy and keeps cheering too long. Conan looks like a guy that is getting licked by a puppy. “That’s nice, but you can cut it out now.” That’s when O’Brien says; “Be cool, my babies.” Cracks me up each time.

But, then, remember, I am simple minded.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

This just in:
Golf features my least favorite things on each hole: Nervousness followed by embarrassment ending with a math problem. Throw in the occasional need for gardening (raking the trap) and you have everything I despise in one activity, minus a dental appointment.

But, Lord knows why, I love the game all the same. So, in preparation for my big game Sunday with Mark "O'Snickity Snake" O'Connor, a true golfing great, I decided to hit plastic balls against the house on my front lawn.

Since I was using an open-faced club, the sand wedge (this is where Homer Simpson starts drooling imagining “An open-face club sandwich”) I whacked one over the house, into the pit of destruction: the backyard laden with the two beasts, our yellow Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey.

In the time it took me to run through the house – trust me, it ain’t that big – and get to the backyard, Wrigley had made quick work of the ball. As my Grandmother Rodgers of Louisville, Kentucky would say, rest her soul;

“Well, now, you just cain’t help but laugh, is all.”

As I congratulated Wrigley on being one big canine disaster area, he started wagging his tale in appreciation and it Three Stooges-like whacked Kasey, five times, right on the muzzle. Whap, whap, whap, whap, whap. Trust me, Slatterns and Nuggies, it was hilarious. Poor Kasey. She rues the day we got that knucklehead dog, Wrigley.

Everyday is a Marx Brothers slapstick routine with those stellar hounds.

Let’s give a shout-out and props to the peeps in the hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Swarm the smarm
*Bad news from New York. You know the 17-year cicadas? It’s been reported that a swarm of cicadas have taken over Donald Trump’s hair.

American’s Idle
*Did you see “American Idol”? It was amazing. Milli Vanilli won.

65 million people voted on “American Idol.” President Bush didn’t get that many votes. Al Gore did, but Bush didn’t.

In case you’ve been on Pluto, Fantasia Barrino won “American Idol.” This just in, Florida says they counted the votes and Diana DeGarmo actually won.

65 million called? It should be called “Americans Are Idle.”

Good move
*After recruiting booze and sex scandals, the University of Colorado has reinstated suspended coach Gary Barnett. I don’t think Barnett is contrite. Today he hired Paris Hilton as an assistant coach.

More good news for Barnett, he has also been hired as Dennis Rodman’s personal consultant.

Fan calling the kettle
*The San Diego Padres’ Phil Nevin has been accused by a Philadelphia fan of verbal abuse. That’s like being accused of being rude by “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell.

*Philadelphia fans have, at various times, booed Santa Claus, booed children hunting for Easter Eggs, and cheered when opposing players are seriously hurt. For a Philadelphia fan to accuse anyone of verbal abuse is like being accused of lax hygiene by Pepe LePew.

Hate to see that
*There are reports of erratic behavior from the singer Jewel at a New York concert: rambling speeches, insulting the crowd, shortened performance. It sounds like Jewel’s been eating off of Courtney Love’s plate again.

She’s yar, me Matey
*The United States indicted radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza for supporting al-Qaeda. Have you seen this guy? He has a long scraggily beard, he’s blind in one eye and he has a hook for a hand. He’s not a cleric, he’s a punch line to a pirate joke. Arrrrrr, Matey.

How did he lose his eye? He got sand in it. Normally you don’t lose your eye if you have sand in it, but it was his first day wearing the hook.

In addition, Abu Hamza was voted; “The Person You’d Least Like to Sit Next to On a Flight.”

When did that ever happen?
*In tennis, there are no American men left in the French Open. Can you imagine that? Americans being treated rudely in Paris? Who has ever heard of such a thing?

I’m hatin’ it
*Have you heard McDonald’s hip-hop “I’m lovin’ it” commercials? Why do ad execs try to be cool? Think Bob Hope dressed as a hippy. The McDoggies ad plugs their “old school flavor.” Is that something you want? My old school’s flavor was industrial cleaner and inedible chipped beef on stale toast.

Since you asked:
Fresh off the heels of my computer snafu - or was it a fubar? - now my TiVo is down. Oh, technologyeth, whyeth doeth youeth tortureth me-eth? Man, I swear, a month ago I didn't, as my Jewish friends say, know from TiVo. Now it goes down - not like that, you sicko - and my life is ruined. Ruined I tell you.

Not to worry, it is getting on track as we sprecken. It is just so damn disconcerting when that happens. It's like when you find a good website, and one day, it's gone. It would be like you go to your favorite restaurant and not only are they shut down, the building is no longer there. A day without Google is like a day without orange juice. (Clang)

Anyone want one of my running updates?

What is with the Cubbies? What? Seriously, I'm asking.

And I still hate the Los Angeles Lakers. (See the title of this section) Somebody tell me, what is there to like about the Lakers, besides, maybe Karl Malone, Luke Walton and Derek Fischer? Even their owner has a brutal combover. The Lakers are snotty from the owner down through the coach and the players and especially those "Don't look at me, even though I came here to be on camera" annoying movie stars. And even they all think Kobe Bryant is snotty. Staples should be re-named the Snot-atorium.

I can't stand them Flakers. (See how I made a funny name out of the word Lakers? Pretty cool, huh? I bet they are sorry they messed with a pro)

Well, except for the Laker girls. I likes me my Laker girls something fierce. They got themselves something there, boy. Grrrrrr. Rrrrrrrr. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Lalalalalala. Mmmmmmm. Zowiekabowie. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Nerrrrrrrr. Whoa, whoa, whao, whoa. Errrr, wise guy. Ohhhhh.

And that's how we play "Ripp-off the "The Three Stooges" in a creepy, vile way.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Let’s kick it for rezzle my brizzles and sizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There go my vacation plans
*The marines are close to a deal that allow them to pull out and give Fellujah back to Iraq. Are they nuts? And lose that garden spot? A hot desert scorpion-ridden dump filled with crazy terrorists? That’s a slice of heaven. I was hoping to build a summer home there. Shoot.

Stop it, you fierce persons
*In Italy the statue of David has been fully repaired and restored. OK, this gay-makeover thing has officially gone too far.

Another great idea
*Pringles is coming out with potato chips with trivia questions written right on them. You know, questions like what’s the difference between obesity and rampant corpulence? Describe the symptoms of arterial sclerosis and other heart diseases.

I see
*Strip clubs in Wisconsin are registering voters. They aim to put the pole in the polling booth.

Already done
*HBO has pulled the plug on a “Sex and the City” movie. They abandoned the project when they realized that Kim Cattrall’s Samantha Jones character has had sex with everybody in the damn city.

Now that’s violent
*The return of San Diego Padres Pitcher David Wells will be delayed because of a bruised toe the pitcher suffered when he hit a bar stool chasing his friend. That is the same game of tag that resulted in a cut wrist tendon and sliced pitching hand for Wells. That has to be the most violent game of grab and tickle since David Gest and Liza Minelli's honeymoon.

*To give you an idea how boring the Minnesota Timberwolves Los Angeles Lakers series has been, due to blowouts, halfway through the game, I caught myself watching a John Kerry speech.

That should do the trick
The news has been depressing lately. We need something to really cheer us up. You know what we need? We need a suicide bomber to blow themselves up accidentally with no other casualties. That always does it.

Minority Report
A census reveals that, for the first time, whites are not in the majority in California. Here I have only been a minority for a few days and already I am sick and tired of being kept down by the man.

This explains why the La Jolla Starbucks changed its name to Starbizzles.

That explains why I saw governor Schwarzenegger in long baggy shorts, a retro jersey, backwards baseball hat, mirror shades and while flashing Brentwood ‘hood signs.

Shoot, now I gotta throw away all my shorts and pants and buy really those baggy long shorts. You know, those pants that aren’t pants and aren’t shorts? I call them shants.

Enough already
Can sports reporters stop the incessant descriptions of Kobe Bryant’s “courage” in playing basketball after being on trial? The guy spends less than an hour in a luxurious private Lear jet and then slides into a limo. There are people who have tougher commutes who work from home.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Here’s the 411, Mister Dealio and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Bush-whacked
*Did you see how President Bush opened his speech last night with a safety tip? “My fellow Americans: Don’t try to stop a mountain bike with your face.”

Both John Kerry and George W. Bush have fallen off a bicycle. And today, Dennis Kucinich fell off his skateboard.

Ewwww, part one
*In health news, researchers at a New York hospital have found nearly half of the neckties worn by medical personnel are contaminated with bacteria. And you don’t even want to know what they found on the proctologist’s wristwatches.

Yo, whack this here
*Did you see “The Sopranos”? They whacked Adriana. That’s ironic, because, since the show started, a lot of guys have whacked to Adriana.

*“Shrek 2” made over one hundred million this weekend. Is it just me, or do Shrek and Fiona look like Tony Soprano and his sister Janet after a plate of bad clams marinara?

Nor a Hansen concert
*A New Yorker columnist James Surowiecki has written a book titled “The Wisdom of Crowds.” He claims the collective intelligence of large crowds is very high. Apparently he has never seen the “The Jerry Springer Show” audience.

Ewww, part two
*In Britain, students set a record for naked roller coaster riding. You know what is really scary? Other people had to sit in those seats after the naked roller coasters.

Go whoever you guys are
*The Stanley Cup is all set: The Calgary Flames vs. Tampa Bay Lightening. “I’ll take two teams I’ve never heard of before for one hundred, Alex.”

The Flames? Isn’t that the gay hockey team from Fire Island, New York?

I’m pretty sure the Fire Island Flames beat the San Francisco Pirate’s Booty for the Gay Stanley Cup.

Warm up the remote
*It’s a big night in sports: the Lakers and the Timberwolves are in the NBA playoffs, for hockey, the Stanley Cup finals begin, and if that doesn’t do it for you, you can watch tapes of the candidates falling off of their bikes.

Isn’t that precious? (In my best Church Lady)
An article in the New York Times debates which is the correct way to pronounce al Qaeda. Isn’t that perfect? While al-Qaeda devises vicious ways to kill us, we worry about how to pronounce their frickin'name.

We sure wouldn’t want to say al-Qaeda the wrong way. That might make them mad at us.

~~You say tom-ah-to, I say to-may-to, you say al-Qaeda, I say cowardly killers . . .~~

Mon Dieu
Get this. France, you remember France, that country that used to not be a third world power? Anyway, France has their French thong's in a twist - what else is new? - over the coalition forces exchange of power over to Iraq. Isn't that like the hooker question the validity of a customer's check?

Maybe it's more like a drug dealer questioning the validity of a policeman's badge.

Since you asked:
You know why I am not an international diplomat? Well, there are a number of reasons, but one of them is if I was a diplomat, and France questioned our exchange of power in Iraq, I would tell France to go eat a hot steaming plate of mind-your-own-frickin' non-showering business.

For France to shoot off their snail-holes about what is or is not happening in Iraq is about as appropriate as an alleged comedy and sports writer debating international issues in a semi-public forum, like a web log.

Oh, wait. Heh, heh. Ahem.

Never mind.

(Slowly backing out of the room, and then turning and running)

P.S. Speaking of running . . . Now, I know you are interested in this, but my running conditioning is really coming along. Why, now, when I go on a run, I can practically hear people say to themselves:

"Oh, my word, look. Oregon running legend Steve Prefontaine is really still alive. And man, did he let himself go all to hell."

And that's how we play, "Alex, I really don't give a rat's ass."

(Polite applause)

Go Cubs

Monday, May 24, 2004

This just in

The 57th Cannes Film Festival bestowed its Palme d’Or award on Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11. Did you see my man Michael Moore? He’s gotten pretty freakin' huge. In fact, he gains ten more pounds and Moore’s next movie is going to be titled; “Bathing with a Long Stick.”

I just had a brainstorm. OK, a minddrizzle
I think I just figured out whose voice John Kerry reminds me of: Lionel Barrymore’s Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Seriously, can’t you hear Kerry say; “Sentimental hogwash”?
Can I get a righteous “For Shizzle,” one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Like he needed this now
President Bush fell off his bicycle at his ranch. He’s OK. He suffered some abrasions to his face. The ironic twist? Bush’s face is so scratched up, he may have to wear a bag over his head.

Last summer Bush fell off a Segway scooter, now a bicycle. Bush may want to stick to riding on the back of what he’s used to: Vice President Dick Cheney.

This will teach Bush not to try and ride a bike and eat a pretzel at the same time.

(Kerry jokes owed will be forthcoming)

Bush passed out and fell eating a pretzel, he fell off a Segway scooter, and now he fell off of his bicycle. When did Bush start channeling President Gerald Ford?

Start off easy and work up to it
*A.P. reported that Michael Jordan wants to buy an NBA team. Owning an NBA team isn’t easy, Jordan may want to first buy the Chicago Bulls, and then work up to a real NBA team.

You know it will happen
Sadly, a roof collapsed at the Paris airport. French officials are not sure what caused this tragedy, but they are fairly certain they will eventually be able to blame it on the U.S.

Since you asked:
Our youngest yellow lab, Wrigley, has been relegated to our gated family room – and then only under supervision - due to past incidents that would have landed a vandal in prison. Being the forgiving type that I am, I have been pushing lately for an all-access house pass for Wrigley, but my wife, Virginia, is four-square against it.

Yesterday, I decide, for giggles, to let both dogs, Wrigley and Kasey, upstairs to roam free to prove their good behavior merits additional freedom. As usual, Kasey was fine. Wrigley runs right into our bedroom and begins sniffing around.

No sooner than the words; “See Virg, Wrigley is fine” are out of my mouth then Wrigley hoists his back leg above a pile of Virg’s laundry bundled on floor and, that's right, he pees right on it.

So much for my future as an animal behavior expert. Oh yeah, I'm a regular dog-whisperer, I am.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

It is Sundizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Running into trouble
*Track and field is in serious trouble with the BALCO steroid scandal looming right before the Olympics. How serious? Track and field is making boxing look good, and, remember, boxing has Don King and Mike Tyson.

Track and field is in trouble. It is looking more and more likely that many of our best track athletes will be banned for steroid use along with sprinter Kelli White. That might mean we wouldn’t have our best runners competing at an Olympics that won’t even be ready in time.

Come to think of it, that would be a perfect fit; our track team would be like the Athens Olympics: made from left over parts slapped together at the last minute.

I miss the good old Olympic track and field scandals when the steroid-ridden runners merely celebrated their relay wins in a wildly long and embarrassingly imbecilic fashion.

All track and field needs now is for a French official to take a Russian bribe.

Since you asked:
Back in the spring of 1992, after I had began to tire of being a mediocre-at-best Wall Street bond broker and later a La Jolla, CA stockbroker, I got the bright idea to try and hearken back to my vaunted decathlon days and try to get work full time in track and field. To make a long story short, I contacted an old Illinois high school track friend, a former coaching great and one of the most amazing guys on the planet, Steve Miller. Steve Miller just happened to then be the head of all track and field marketing for a little shoe company called Nike in Beaverton, Oregon.

As luck would have it, Nike was grooming Miller for greater things and, with Miller’s blessing, I weaseled my way into the interview process for his replacement. Suffice it to say the Nike folks soon figured out I was in a little over my head. (Think “American Idol” “She Bang” reject William Hung singing at Carnegie Hall)

To give you an idea exactly how far over my head interviewing for the head of all of track at Nike I was, one of the other people interviewing was marathon god, Alberto Salazar. Rule of thumb: don’t try and compete for a job against a guy the company named one of their main buildings. (No joke, the interviews were conducted in the Alberto Salazar building)

My final of six interviews was with Nike president Phil Knight’s right-hand bad cop dragon lady. (No need to mention names) That interview didn’t go so well to say the least. This woman was so scary that she almost had me escorted from the Nike “campus” by security because I mentioned the word Reebok. (P.S. Nike kindly labeling its own headquarters a “campus” goes a long way to sum up how arrogant, snotty and cult-like that place was . . . not that I am bitter.)

One of my earlier interviews with one of the top Nike running guys - again, no names to protect my innocence. He asked me what I thought was wrong with the state of track and field in our country as, even back then, track’s popularity was plummeting. My one word reply surprised us both:


“Do you think you might elaborate?” he asked. So, like a puppy swimming against the rapids, I began thrashing as fast as I could:

“Look, we were both in track,” which was, by itself, a hilarious presumption, as this Nike honcho was a former world-class runner, and my decathlon career had mired early at U.C. Santa Barbara due to a bad hamstring rip my senior year in high school. Regardless, I charged forth:

“We know that top track stars have vast god-given talent and are amazing athletes who probably only take drugs, steroids, for that extra winning edge. They figure that almost everyone else at the top of track is likely taking something, so, it’s an even playing field. They really don’t think of steroids as cheating but as one of the costs to compete with the best. But Joe Fan thinks these athletes were made in laboratory.”

The Nike guy gave me a sort of for-the-sake-of-argument-I will-agree look, so I launched on:

“The only time Joe Sports Fan reads or sees anything about track and field is when somebody tests positive for performance enhancing drugs. The result? You have some guy sitting on his couch drinking beer flipping the channel to a rare televised track meet and thinking ‘Well, shoot, if I took all them drugs, I could be in the Olympics too.’ So he changes the channel to watch a tractor pull contest Joe Sports fan is fairly sure is fair.

“And that,” I concluded, “is what is killing track’s popularity in this country.”

“What would you suggest?” he asked, not masking his sarcasm very well.

“Death sentences.” No lie, that’s what I said.

“Death sentences?” he asked, nonplussed.

“A lifetime ban from track for testing positive on any random test. No questions asked. If an athlete wants to compete for the US Olympic team, he or she signs a contract accepting all drug tests and their resultant penalties. No lawsuits allowed. If they don’t sign, they don’t compete. Period. Sure it will hurt at first as the headliner stars get weeded out, but it needs to happen for track to get back any credibility at all.”

As I recall, Nike-boy didn’t say anything, but sat there looking like someone was going to catch hell for his wasting valuable time interviewing such a complete and utter knucklehead.

As we finally ended our meeting, I think I closed by advising him to put all of his money into Internet related stocks, but I can’t swear to that.

But seriously, the reason I remember all this so vividly is because, A, I was so excited to be at Nike headquarters, and, B, it is one of the few times in my life when I actually turned out to be right about something. Now, I would hate to hurt the tender feeling of a behemoth, Asian child-labor abusing corporation like Nike by saying I told you so, but, Nike, I told you so.

Can I get a neener neener one time?

Granted, a death sentence solution for track isn’t very democratic and probably the A.C.L.U would fight it – a sure sign that, in and of itself, a thing is probably good – but the right to compete for your country in the Olympics, unless I am very wrong, isn’t mentioned in The Bill of Rights. To compete in the Olympics is an incredible honor that millions, myself included, would have sacrificed anything and everything; that privilege deserves to be protected by dire consequences if sullied by cheating. And, make no mistake about it, using performance enhancing drugs is cheating.

Why, Slats and Nuggies? Why, oh, why do I have to come up with all of the solutions?

(Polite applause)