Saturday, February 02, 2013

Gaux San Franciscaux Fauxrteniners, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Los Angeles Lakers have lost eight games in a row on the road. So far this season the Lakers are worse on the road than Lindsay Lohan after last call.

One of the big Super Bowl stories is Baltimore Ravens linebacker, Ray Lewis, is accused of using a banned substance, deer antler extract, to rehab his torn triceps. Lewis denied it, but I am not sure, after practice he was seen on all fours slurping water from a brook.

Now it looks like Alex Rodriguez is embroiled in another steroid scandal and the Yankees are thinking of dumping him. It is not looking good for A-Rod, today Cameron Diaz stopped feeding him popcorn.

Iran successfully shot a monkey into space and the monkey is fine. If Iran keeps this technology growth going, they could have color TV in five years.

That is amazing,” said the year 1958.

San Francisco 49ers, Chris Culliver, in a radio interview said: "I don't do the gay guys man. No, we don't got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do." Good thing the 49ers don’t play for a city with a lot of gay people in it.

Lindsay Lohan is set for trial in March on charges she lied about a car crash and violated her parole. Lindsay is excited about her court date, it is the first call-back she’s had in months.

According to a study, nagging is the #1 cause of divorce; more than cheating, drinking, lying or gambling. So guys, if you take out the garbage, do the dishes and clean the garage, you can cheat, drink, lie and gamble.

I’m so excited for the Super Bowl. This year for my guacamole dip, I am adding a special ingredient: deer antler extract.

I’m so excited for the Super Bowl. I got the flat screen TV ready to go, got the grill all ready to be fired up, I got all the ingredients for margaritas. I even bought a special margarita glass just for my imaginary girlfriend.

Since you asked, Super Bowl addition:

Had the pleasure of attending two Super Bowls, both here in San Diego. First when the Redskins with Doug Williams pounding the Broncos and then when Jon Gruden out coached the Raiders.

Had a great time, would love to go again. But how do I put this? If you’re not a big fan of how our country has a reputation for tacky, over-the-top, gaudy over-spending and hyper-commercial over-promotions and is filled with drunk and loud egomaniacal jerks?

Don’t go to either Las Vegas or the Super Bowl. Or is it neither nor?

Although most of the players I got to meet on the Buccaneers were really great, especially local boy John Lynch and Rhonde Barber, both funny and really smart, my impression of the ex-NFL players in the media was horrible. Michael Irvin may be one of the biggest a$$holes who hasn’t mass-murdered anyone we know of. The same goes with Tony Saragusa.

And the rest of the press was just about as bad, with the noted exceptions of John Madden and Chris “Don’t want to be your beast of” Burman. In general, the writing sports press take themselves way too seriously. You get the impression they all think they’re Ernest Hemingway meets Edward R. Murrow. Both great writers, neither famous for their comedy.

In general I have discovered that the more a human being’s brain is filled with data of any kind, but especially sports statistics, the less room there is for a sense of humor. Picture trying to get a “Star Wars” nerd to get a joke about anything, but especially “Star Wars”, and you get an idea of what type we are talking about.

My Super Bowl prediction? I will stand up paddle surf and drink too many margaritas. Plus I am grilling some prawns and making an eye-melting shrimp butter/wine/garlic sauce for dipping French bread on the grill. And grilled oysters with sautéed spinach, yum-yum sauce and bacon bits.

A nod to the Big Easy.

San Francisco 42, Ravens, 28. Let’s go get our Niners on. 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

We gots us a clam-jam up in this here toats McGoats, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Menlo Park, a former San Francisco Forty Niner and Oakland Raider, Kwame Harris, was arrested for attacking his former boyfriend over an argument over soy sauce and underwear. And that is this week’s story my Uncle Scooter will not understand.

That story is crazy even for San Francisco. That’s almost Florida crazy.

In Florida, a naked man broke into a house, broke a flat screen TV, dodged bullets, defecated and then masturbated. Or as breaking into a house naked, breaking a TV, pooping, dodging bullets and masturbating is also called: a Florida to-do list.

The NBA champion Miami Heat visited the White House; except for LeBron James, he was going to go to the White House, but, at the last minute, Congress offered him a better deal, so he want there instead.

Congress has unveiled their new immigration plan and it is pretty extensive and detailed; for example: Adelle? In. Celine Deon? Out.

The Boy Scouts may announce it’s cancelling its ban on gays. Not a shocking revelation from a group where the grown men Troop leaders wear scarves, a sash, shorts, knee socks and spats.

If you’re excited about the Super Bowl Sunday, then I know you’re excited about the halftime Puppy Bowl. The amazing thing about the 2013 Puppy Bowl?  Both teams are being coached by a Labrador Harbaugh.

Since you asked:
It’s time, we need to change A-Rod’s nickname to What A-Rod. This guy is such a lying hypocrite cheater Oprah will have to bring in Dr. Phil as back up.

Now it turns out Alex Rodriguez was lying about how he lied about lying about steroids. He was taking steroids all the time. Hence the hip problems. (Ala Bo Jackson, bad hips at an early age are a sign of long-term steroid abuse)

The only way things could get worse for A-Tool is if, at the Super Bowl, he gets caught being fed popcorn by his imaginary girlfriend.

What a whacked-up time in sports. Imaginary girlfriends, legends cheating with steroids, deer antler extract, three-time Olympian hooker, and now a former NFL lineman beats up his old boyfriend over a hissy fit over soy sauce and underwear.

That sound you hear is Stan Musial spinning in his grave. 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

But you ain’t got no legs, Lieutenant Dan, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is a new red erectile dysfunction pill that works in seven seconds; what is a seven second erectile pill for? People who want to have sex on an escalator?

Kris Jenner is going to host a TV Talk Show. Well dust off the Algonquin roundtable.

Kris Jenner is going to host a TV Talk Show. Can’t wait for the very special show on good parenting with Dina and Michael Lohan.

 The Twinkie may be safe. It looks like Hostess might get saved after all; thank god, hasn’t Chris Christie been through enough?

In Florida – where else? – a 78-year-old man stabbed his 71-year-old wife to death because she would not make him a hamburger. Or as NJ Gov. Chris Christie call it: justifiable homicide.

Excited about the Super Bowl? The San Francisco Forty Niners are going to employ the Taylor Swift Defense. The Taylor Swift Defense is very hard to score on and there is a good chance you’ll wind up getting hurt. But then they write a song about you.

A Security guard accidentally shot off his own penis. Do we really need to add the word accidentally?

On an online sex forum, a man claimed his wife was so good at oral sex, he broke his foot curling his toes. Medical experts have ruled that the best way to break your foot ever.

Since you asked:

Not a big fan of the god-praising, preening, prancing attention whore, Ray Lewis. No doubt in my mind in the insular world of pious Ray’s sycophants, butt-smoochers and entourage members, this Super Bowl week was going to be the We Will Miss You Wonderful Christian Ray Lewis Week.

Turns out more to be about Ray using the banned substance – that the NFL doesn’t test for – deer antler extract on his torn tricep, a famously known steroid-induced injury in the first place.

Oh, and one other thing, Ray. Outside of WWRD? (what would Ray do?) land, the rest of us still want to know your involvement on two stabbing murders that the DA charged you with murder for, but you got off on a technicality. Guess what? Even though you said Jesus kept you out of prison? Those two guys are still dead. And we know it.

Love that true good guy Christian, Frank Gore, is getting much more positive attention from the press than Ray “Have I mentioned I love Jesus in the last minute?” Lewis. 

Got nothing but love for Christians - I am a confirmed but non-church-attending Methodist - who talk the talk as long as they also walk the walk. Not those who use Jesus as a promotional marketing tool

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Rolling Stones Monkey Man

We rockem’ and sockem’ them robots up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Wisconsin survey reveals 81% of people lie about their online dating information; and some of them are not even subtle about it. One guy’s user name is “Killed bin Laden.”

The Farmer’s Open at Torrey Pines was delayed due to fog. It was so foggy, Tiger Woods accidentally hit on his ex-wife.

The Farmer’s Open at Torrey Pines was delayed due to fog. The big controversy in golf is they are thinking of outlawing long belly putters. And they say golf is boring.

Sarah Palin announced she was leaving Fox News, it turns out she was fired. The first sign you may have an ego problem is when you can’t get along with Fox News. That is like being fired from al Qaida for being too argumentative. 

This means Sarah Palin has been dumped by Fox News, the Republican party and reality TV. That is the “Wow, am I a horse’s ass ” trifecta.

Even Kim Kardashian can’t get fired from reality TV.

It happened again, this time in New Jersey, a 28-year-old female teacher is accused of having sex with her 16-year-old male student. She was an algebra teacher. She claims she was just teaching him how to factor her polynomial.

Instagram is updating its service. They predict in the future you will be able to make your sexy bathroom self portraits 30% less douche’y.

The NFL Pro Bowl was played Sunday in Hawaii; none of the players playing in the Super Bowl can play. Most of the top players opt out due to injury. That makes the Pro Bowl the most useless thing in sports not named the Los Angeles Lakers.

Tiger Woods won the Farmers Open. Which is odd because the closest Tiger has come to being a farmer is when he plowed a stripper named Meadow. 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

It was foggy in LA this weekend. It was so foggy Bruce Jenner mistakenly got into the same bed as Kris Jenner.

The Earl Weaver funeral ceremony was moving. Until the end when an umpire tossed Earl out of the service.

A Wisconsin survey reveals 81% of people lie about their online dating information; Seriously folks, how many female sex therapists/master chefs and male former Navy Seal swimwear models do you think are out there? 

The NFL Pro Bowl was played Sunday in Hawaii; yeah, I don’t care either.

Since you asked: 
Screw it. I've been telling myself I have been rooting against Tiger Woods. I am lying to myself. Can't help it. The guy is that good.

Yes, he is a jerk to waiters. Yes, he is a cheapskate. Yes he lied and cheated on his wife. But I think he is growing up. And he is becoming a mentor to some of the young guys. 

How well would I have handled the mind-boggling wealth, power and fame thrust on Tiger? Well, I am amazingly charming, witty, funny and lovable despite an intimidating, gruff, but oddly-sexy manly exterior. So don't use me as an example. 

They say there are no second acts in American life, but Tiger might be living one. 

You loser Nike weasels? Still hate your sorry asses.