Uptown Funk-US Ski Team Style

Go ahead and try to keep your eyes of my girl, Jessie "Diggin' Dawg" Diggins bringing it. Cuter than a puppy chasing a butterfly. Tougher than a two-dollar steak.

Operator - Jim Croce

No shit I got a lozenge, bitch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

HBO’s “Hard Knocks” featured the Cleveland Browns’ training camp. They held an intra-squad scrimmage and for the first time in NFL history, the Browns lost.

The team’s top player, Josh Gordon, is in rehab and many healthy players are choosing simply not to practice. The good news is the 0-16 Browns cannot lose more games than last year. 

And somehow, after the first week of practice, the Cleveland Browns are already 0-8.

The Browns also lost a scrimmage to the Baltimore Orioles. 

After almost a three year absence from football, Johnny Manziel threw an interception on his first pass and would throw three more interceptions.

“You had us at, “Threw an interception on his first pass,” said the Cleveland Browns. 

Top Donald Trump ally, NY Congressman Chris Collins, is in jail for insider trading. Trump’s personal lawyer and campaign manager, Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort, are facing jail for fraud and tax evasion.

Wow, Trump really is draining the swamp. 

While on vacation in New Jersey, Donald Trump had dinner with 12 of the top CEO’s. After Trump gave them financial advice, all 12 declared bankruptcy.

Since you asked:

Saw HBO’s “Hard Knocks” with the 0-16 Cleveland Browns. The coach, Hue Jackson, a sweet guy who sadly lost his brother and mother within a week, is in trouble.

And jumping into Lake Erie is not going to fix it.

Like I said, while a sweet guy, he may be too nice. Jackson is not just a player’s coach, he wants to be beloved by his players. 

That is a recipe for a disaster in the NFL.

Today’s players are considered spoiled and soft by older players who were total divas like Randy Moss, The young players make more money, they are more coddled and they are entitled beyond comprehension. They need discipline more than they need Gatorade.

To the open consternation of his coaching staff,  especially a pissed-off Todd Haley, Jackson is continuing to coddle the players by allowing many of them to skip practice even though they’re healthy. With their star player, Josh Gordon, mysteriously missing camp - probably for rehab - this sets a deadly tone of lethargy and rudderless leadership.

Cleveland is an amazing sports town. There is a chorus of loyal fans chanting players’ name all during sweltering practices. From the time they land at the airport, the players were met by friendly fans. (The players were much less friendly)

Unless Baker “Curtis” Mayfield moves on up to be the next Joe Montana - and he might, he looks damn good - the Browns are in trouble. 

But that receiver, Jarvis Landry, my word is that guy a stud. Both on the field and off. He is a leader. And an incredible athlete. But the Browns need more help than him.

With LeBron leaving them for the second time, these Cleveland fans deserve better than a bad Browns team. And while I wish the best for the likable Hue Jackson, it does not look good. Great teams have to practice and you cannot practice being coddled (yes, a personal best for using coddle three times) on the sideline. 

The Browns just ain’t gonna to get it. The Browns are at best an 8-8 team. A big improvement, but no playoffs.

People giving Jack-In-The-Box a hard time about their “Jack’s Bowls” ads. Relax. It is a joke. What they should be concerned about is Jack-In-The-Box trying to sneak in a new guy as the voice of Jack. Pay and bring back the old guy. 

TMZ has a clip of OJ Simpson bragging “Being a felon ain’t all bad.” No word on if he was also jellin’ like Magellan. 



West Hollywood has voted to remove Donald Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame. It will be moved to the Covfefe Hall of Fame. 



It has been hot in Los Angeles. People are sweating like Paul Manafort watching the prison rape scene in “The Shawshank Redemption.” .




TMZ has a clip showing women taking selfies with OJ Simpson. Considering OJ’s past, those women should cut out loosing their heads and gushing over him.


Paul Manafort spent $15,000 on an ostrich-skin coat. The tricky part about wearing an ostrich-skin coat is avoiding the temptation to bury your head in the sand. 



Kathleen Turner has made many enemies in Hollywood with her frank interview. On the bright side, she did win the John Goodman look-alike contest. 

And then Kathleen ate a ham, drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and then smoked a carton of Marlboros. 



Former White House communications director, Hope Hicks, was seen boarding the Air Force One. They were either flying to Witness Tampering, Virginia or Collusion, Idaho.








Things Rudy Giuliani loves to say:

“My supper is in the icebox.”
“Let’s play singles on the phonograph.”
“I need a crap and a nap.”
“That schmuck is a putz.”
“My billfold is on the credenza.”



Since you asked:


Granted, I am late to the party, but I was blown away by how good “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” was. The second scene with Sam Rockwell’s inspired Robert DeNiro tribute singing “Bang the Drum Slowly” while interjecting “mau” from “The Deer Hunter.” 

Hilarious.

But, man, that movie is dark. It hides behind zero pretentious Hollywood shortcuts without being annoyingly contrary. It is real life if real life was entertaining and not like the security camera footage from a 7-Eleven.

If I had to give a movie-stealing award it would go to Woody Harrelson’s British wife. 

Not really sure what the message of the movie is, if there is one. Survival? Forgiveness? 

As the great Don Henley sang,

But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Ah, Don Henley. It’s as if Kurt Vonnegut could sing like Ray Charles.

Too bad he is such a pr*ck.

Who's this stanky hoot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? 


At an L.A. deli, Kendall Jenner's female Doberman bit a little girl. Awkward when someone yelled for Kendall to control her bitch and Kendall said, 

"What does my mom, Kris, have to do with this?" 

Patrick Stewart will reprise his role of Capt. Picard on a new "Star Trek." Stewart is getting up there. In the first episode, Picard just sits in his underwear watching a "Matlock" rerun.