Thursday, February 19, 2009

How it do be is we got the hotness they got the hot mess, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Admit it
In other sports related news, OJ Simpson got savagely beaten within an inch of his life in prison today. Actually, that isn’t true, but it did cheer you up, didn’t it?

Big bucks
Michael Jackson is auctioning off his personal belongings; you know what will go for a lot? The afro pick Jackson had back when he was black.

Nobody was hurt, but a British submarine crashed into a French submarine. That is unbelievable. Can you believe that? Amazing. Since when do the French have a submarine? What do they use it for? Digging for clams?

We are not sure who is at fault but we do know the French sailors immediately surrendered to the British.

Nobody was hurt, but a British submarine crashed into a French submarine. Can you imagine? It must be terrifying, awful and horrific. And besides being locked up in a sub with a bunch of Frenchman, the sub crash was scary too.

Hate to hear that
More sports controversies. You know the spaniel that won the Westminster Dog Show, Stump? Stump was photographed at a party licking the water out of a bong.

Hear it?
Ill. Sen. Roland Burris who testified he didn’t raise money for bribe-ousted Gov Rod Blagojevich to get appointed? Now he admits he did raise money for Blagojevich. That sound you hear is “Honest” Abe Lincoln hitting the spin-cycle in his grave.

Poor guy
At his press conference, Alex Rodriguez said he used steroids and he was going through a tough time. In fact this is the toughest time anyone earning $25 mil a year playing baseball has ever had

The History Channel had a special on rogue waves. A rogue wave can reach 100 ft high and travel at 45 mph and be so powerful that if it hit a huge luxury liner it could knock the fat guys away from the all-you-can-eat buffet table.

Do you know who I feel sorry for? Dick Cheney. No, really. I picture the guy sitting there in his bathrobe, maniacally stroking his white fluffy kitty while day-dreaming about water-boarding an environmentalist.

Since you asked:

Cute moment while we were watching “American Idol” last night. (Don’t give me a hard time, I am on the fence, but Ann Caroline loves it)

Ann Caroline was sitting on the Oriental rug playing with the doggies when Wrigley suddenly decided her pony tail was something that was alive. He kept flipping it up in the air with his big, dumb snout and pawing at it with his big puppy paws while A.C. laughed uncontrollably.

That is one no-sense-having dog, but he is awful cute.

Another too cute moment

Had a great father/daughter moment this morning with Ann Caroline, a.k.a. Miss Thing, Stinkerbell and A.C. I’m sitting there reading “Sports Illustrated” drinking coffee and listening to the morning drive radio station I write for, KGB, while she eats her cereal and she says;

“Oh, are you reading about David Beckham?”

“Yes,” I said, “and I just thought of a joke.”

So I run upstairs, sit down at the computer, write a quick joke about how AC Milan is trying to buy Becks from the LA Galaxy, but, in more-important-to-US-sports-fans news, Tiger Woods’s dog, Yogi, licked himself.

Not great but OK. Then I come downstairs, pour another cup of coffee and finish reading the article. Just then my sports at KGB guy, the great and talented Cookie Chainsaw Randolph, comes on the air and tells the joke. Ann Caroline’s eyes lit up;

“Hey, did you just write that?”


“Cool” she says giggling, then she got up, went upstairs and I could hear her in the playroom calling her buddy, Adrian to tell her about it.

In our relationship I spend so much time being proud of Ann Caroline, it was nice to have it the other way around for a change.

And it didn’t even matter that neither Ann Caroline nor Adrian thought the joke was funny.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

This just in:

You know I couldn’t leave this alone

In the North Atlantic a British sub and a French sub collided. Everyone is OK, but the impact was so strong it could have killed a British orthodontist and a French Navy war hero, fortunately neither such thing exists.
Don’t over-think it, rock it old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Out of control
You can tell its fashion week in New York; actor Christian Bale was caught on tape screaming obscenities at Ralph Lauren.

The top movie this weekend was “Friday the 13th” I tell you I was horrified, I screamed, I was terrified. But that’s because I went into “Confessions of a Shopaholic” by mistake.

Hillary Clinton is on her first trip abroad as Secretary of State. As a result, Bill Clinton is on his first trip on a broad since Hillary became Secretary of State

We kid the King
Can you believe all the specials on Abraham Lincoln to mark his 200th birthday? There is a special on his inauguration, his speech at Gettysburg, and they are replaying Lincoln’s first interview with Larry King.

My mistake
I’m learning a lot about Abraham Lincoln on his 200th birthday. Lincoln was depressed, disheveled, he hated his job, his beard and hair were un-kept . . . no, I’m sorry, that’s Joaquin Phoenix.

Baseball been berry, berry good
Spring training has begun. There is nothing like the sound of the crack of bat, the smack of the ball hitting the mitt, the smell of fresh mown grass, the pop of the plunger coming out of the syringe.

Oh the horror
It was horrifying and scary in Los Angeles. Not because of the storm, the wind blew Kirsty Alley’s mu’mu’ over her head. .

Former bitter rivals Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal had a love-fest this All Star weekend winning co-MVPs and endlessly complimenting each other. How mushy was it? These two make Siegfried and Roy look like Bill and Hillary.

How hard did it rain?
It rained so hard in Sacramento, the State panel convened to investigate water rationing in California? They nearly drowned.

We need more rain like the Jonas Brothers need more publicity.

Trouble now
After admitting to steroid use there is more trouble ahead for Alex Rodriguez. Today Madonna just found out what his pet name for her really meant when he called her the ol’ slump buster.

Say it ain’t so, Stump
Last week a Sussex spaniel named Stump won the Westminster Dog Show. Stump won at the age of 10, 70 in dog years. How could an older dog perform so well so late in his career? One word: steroids. Yes, I hate to say it: Stump was gooned-up on the juice.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This just in:
Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones announced he does not know what he will do with troubled receiver Terrell Owens. The guy is a psycho egomaniac attention whore whose selfishness is killing his team’s morale. And besides Jerry Jones, Terrell Owens isn’t any better.

Sadly, a chimp named Travis that had starred in commercials had to be shot by police after it attacked a woman and went on a rampage. Do you know how to prevent chimpanzee attacks? Don’t have a monkey in your house. They’re called apes for a reason. They go ape. There is no such thing as something going puppy or kitty on you.

That stuff was the shizzy back in the dizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Makes sense
According to a survey of historians by C-Span, they ranked all the presidents and Abraham Lincoln finished first. You know who was the worst president? Dick Cheney.

Windy, rainy
It was so windy in Los Angeles a gust blew a straight guy into a theater showing “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”

It was so windy in Hollywood a gust blew the fried turkey leg right out of Jessica Simpson’s hand.

The storm was so bad in Hollywood, Christian Bale threw an obscenity-laced tirade at Al Roker.

It was so rainy in LA Jessica Simpson claimed she is just water-logged.

It is so rainy in Hollywood Chris Brown tried to drown Rihanna.

Not since then
The Westminster Dog Show was won last week by a Spaniel named Stump. It’s the greatest win by something called Stump since Tom Cruise won a Golden Globe.

To save money, California gave workers Friday off without pay calling it Furlough Friday. They decided Furlough Friday was a better choice than Tapped-out Tuesday.

Indiana lawmakers are going to make chain restaurants, like the Olive Garden, list their meal’s calories on the menu. In addition, they are going to make the Olive Garden give the disclaimer: “You know this isn’t really an Italian restaurant, right?”

Not good, 2
Joaquin Phoenix is quitting acting to start a hip hop career. And what could be better than a rich white actor performing hip hop? Maybe a black hip hop artist performing Polka. But that’s it.

Finally the question is answered
The Westminster Dog Show was won by a Spaniel named Stump. So, for this year, the question asked by all dog owners has been answered: “Who’s a good dog? Stump is a good dog.”

Name change
Casey Affleck is making a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to hip hop. Affleck’s not sure what it will be called because the title “The Jerk” has been used.

Bad Valentines Day
I had a friend who had a bad Valentines Day, his date was a woman softball player who kept calling him a slump-buster.

Not good, 3
These are tough, cynical times. Sunday I saw a church advertising a sermon titled; “God: He’s Just Not That Into You.”

How bad is it?
The economy is so bad the hookers on Hollywood Blvd are offering their own stimulus package.

This economy is rough. “60 Minutes” sold ad space on Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.

First time
Amy Winehouse is going through an ugly divorce from her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. It is the first divorce on record where the grounds are listed as “He’s just not that into her.”

Since you asked:

Saw Oliver Stone’s “W.” Politics and Josh Brolin’s really good imitation aside? It really sucked. But it sucked so much it is worth watching. No kidding, Richard Dreyfuss's Dick Cheney was just missing maniacally petting a furry white cat it was such a sinister evil bad guy cartoon.

It was like one horribly long and ridiculously un-funny “Saturday Night Live” skit.

First of all, Oliver Stone is such a megalomaniac, as he proved in “JFK” and “Nixon” Stone truly believes his opinion is more important than the actual history of what happened. Now that he has been revealed as a cinematic version of a pathological liar, I am sure not one thing that we thought happened to Stone in Vietnam in “Platoon” ever actually happened.

This is the third movie about a president that the ham-fisted Stone has botched, "JFK" "Nixon" and now "W.". Albeit "JFK" was about his assassination - or more accurately, things Stone lied about in the assassination. A documentary on the History Channel on the real Kennedy assassination spent a half-an-hour on just the stuff Stone made up out of thin air.

Barack Obama better get on his knees and pray Stone doesn't try to make a movie about him.

“W.” was just an excuse to string together a bunch of Bush’s misstatements. Again, politics aside, I think we can all agree that President Bush was a bad president. But when that point is being made by a biased and horrible director, it takes away the validity of the message.

By the end of the movie it was hard to figure out who looked like more of a clown, George W. Bush or Oliver Stone.

Flashbacks, flash forwards, dream sequences, this pile of dung had everything but a character named Bobby Ewing emerging from a shower realizing it was all just a dream.

I give “W.” five fists.*

*That is what I will let hit my scrotum before I will ever see another Oliver Stone film again.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Wish me luck at the “Guy Who Did That Thing” Awards, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not familiar
The NBA All Star game was this weekend. Or as the New York Knicks call the All Star Game: Huh?

Yo, check it
Joaquin Phoenix is transitioning from acting to hip hop. Joaquin’s first song is in honor of Christian Bale titled; “Get Out My Light Mother F’er.”

Not good
Indiana lawmakers are going to make chain restaurants, like the Olive Garden, list their meal’s calories on the menu. In addition, the Olive Garden will have to admit that their pasta sauce is really just hot ketchup.

Wrong signal
Muzzummal Hassan, the founder of a Buffalo TV station designed to show Muslims in a positive way, was arrested for beheading his wife, Aasiya. Hint: If you want to portray Muslims in a good light, rule #1, don’t behead your wife. That is what they call in show business a disconnect.

She had filed for divorce, sadly, her head wasn’t into the marriage anymore.

A woman in Fountain Valley, CA crashed her car while looking for her cell phone, then she walked into freeway traffic, was hit by a car and died. The official cause of death was vehicular trauma, but I think we all know she died of sheer stupidity.

Or as Darwin would call that: culling the herd.

In Colorado Springs, a man robbed a 7/11 with a Klingon sword. He needed the money to buy a Valentines Day present for his imaginary girlfriend.

Did you hear about the #1 Japanese movie? It’s called “He’s Just Not That Shinto You”

Since you asked:

So, Lex, you ask, you’re a writer of some kind, an alleged comedy writer, sort of a sub-species of writer. Like how Paris Hilton is an actress. Put on your sports writer’s hat and tell us if you would vote A-Rod, Sosa, McGwire, Bonds and Clemens into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

Absolutely not.

The most destructive thing anybody can do to a sport is to hurt the sport’s credibility. That is otherwise known as cheating. And juicers are all cheaters.

Everybody knows when they have cheated. In poker, lying is not cheating, it is an art called bluffing. Hiding an ace in your lap? That’s cheating.

In sports you can do whatever you need to do to win. You can whisper something untrue and horrible about a player’s mother to upset them. It’s called gamesmanship. Artificially increasing strength? That is cheating.

There are those who say; “Well what about the players in the Seventies who used amphetamines?” Not the same. To stay with the card analogy, it’s the difference between someone counting the cards at a Blackjack table versus somebody spying on what cards the dealer has.

As embarrassing as it is now to admit, my high school idol was that now incredibly cheesy infomercial huckster and celebrity face-lift joke sweater whore, Bruce Jenner. At the time when he won the gold medal at Montreal, I knew what was happening, he was clearly using steroids. In fact, due to steroid related skin and joint problems, Jenner has had to have so much plastic and cosmetic surgery, he now looks like the world’s scariest feminist.

In 1972 at a bad time for the US Olympic Decathlon - no medals at the Munich Olympics - Jenner barely made the team as the third guy. He was a skinny 175 pound better-than-average Decathlete who couldn’t throw to save his life. He was lucky if the shot put cleared his foot. If you’ve ever known a skinny athlete who tried to get bigger honestly, it is truly pathetic. They can’t do it.

One Decathlete I knew at Santa Barbara broke down in tears of furious frustration because, although he was fast and could jump, he could not gain so much as five pounds of muscle no matter how hard he lifted, no matter how much he ate. His DNA and his nuclear-hot metabolism made him fast but skinny. It was not going to make him strong. Bruce Jenner was like that.

Four years later and Jenner weighs at least 215 pounds? Please. Jenner gained 40 pounds of pure muscle in four years and in Montreal he throws so far he busts the world record. Are you going to tell me that is not cheating? Was Jenner a talented athlete? Of course he was. You can’t pole vault as high as he did, nearly 17 feet, nor run a 4:12 1500 meters without talent.

But Jenner wasn’t a gold medal winner on the “Wheaties” box without steroids and he knows it. The skinny fast, coordinated athletes who take steroids, like Jenner, Sosa, Bonds and McGwire – yes, they used to be skinny – have an advantage with steroids over the naturally stronger athletes.

Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire were always talented. It takes other-worldly talent to hit a 96 MPH fastball that tails. But with steroids they were hitting home runs out of the park when they simply couldn’t before.

“Sports Illustrated” writer Tom Verducci:

“Linked to drugs are two thirds of the MVP winners from 1995 through 2003, five of the top 12 home run hitters of all time and three of the four players ever to smash 50 homers in a season more than twice.”

Steroids are turning home runs into professional wrestling.

Track athletes are in a better position to cheat with steroids than athletes who compete for a long season like baseball, basketball and football players. In track you have to peak at one, two or three big events a year. It makes it perfect to cycle on and off drugs. When you get caught using steroids at the Olympics, like Ben Johnson, it just proves you are too stupid to read a calendar. Bryan Clay apparently isn’t that stupid.

Is there any proof that current Olympic gold medal winner, Bryan Clay, took steroids? Well, besides the unnatural size of his thighs? No. But that is how dark and huge the cloud of suspicion of drug cheating is in track. Instead of innocent until proven guilty it is now guilty until proven innocent and there is no way to prove innocence. A clean urine sample? It just means they quit taking steroids before the test.

Now look at lack of popularity of US Track and Field. It is pathetic. If it wasn’t for the Olympics every four years the U.S. track and field wouldn’t even exist. Track and Field’s credibility was ruined by lying and cheating criminal a-holes like former prisoner Marion Jones and current inmate Tim Montgomery simply to satisfy their own greed. They didn’t care if they ruined the credibility of their sport, they didn’t even take steroids to help the team, it was only their individual gain that mattered to those self-centered steroid egomaniacs.

There is plenty of blame to go around in the steroid era. The same greed is true of all the leeches that supported these cheaters, their sponsors, shoe companies, agents, and meet promoters, they all participated in the collective ruining of track’s respectability for their own gain..

That same lack of credibility could happen to baseball.

If Major League Baseball and that all-time Hall of Fame hypocrite, MLB Commissioner Bud “Sure, use steroids to bring baseball back after the strike with homers, but don’t get caught” Selig want to keep from turning baseball into track and field, they need to act harshly and fast. Ban from baseball for life, ala Pete Rose, anyone caught using performance enhancing drugs.


No Hall of Fame, no records, no contact with the sport for life and sue for past earnings for getting paid under false pretenses. Anything less than a sports death sentence and a completely immoral sociopath athlete, like Barry Bonds, will still try to roll the dice and cheat with drugs.

Look at it this way: The 1919 Chicago White Sox Black Sox scandal that nearly destroyed baseball lasted seven games. These steroid Neanderthal mouth-breathers cheated in thousands of games.

Which baseball cheating scandal is bigger, steroids or fixing the 1919 World Series? Steroids. Which is worse? Steroids.

But, make no mistake, both scandals were committed for the same reason: greed.