The TBird is the wor

The T-Bird is the word, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery
Tomorrow guys get to be served food, they drink beer and lie around watching television all day with their hands down their pants; it’s called Thanksgiving, or as I call it: My Kevin Federline impression.



Yo, Juliet, what up wit’ ‘dat light in yonder window, gaarrll?
Rapper 50 Cent announced he will launch a series of books that combine literature and hip hop; this is for those folks who want to get their freak on with Jane Austen.


Sort of
Rumor has it that, to boost publicity, the producers of “Desperate Housewives” are going to kill off one of the housewives. Do you think killing off a housewife will boost their publicity? Well,  it worked for OJ Simpson and Robert Blake.


Hot for teacher
Hot blonde 25-year-old Florida middle school teacher Debra Lafave pleaded guilty to having sex with her 14-year-old male student; reportedly they had sex three times and she performed oral sex multiple times. She was sentenced to three years of house arrest and he was sentenced to a lifetime of shamelessly bragging to his buddies.


Not good
At the American Music Awards, Lindsay Lohan’s interpretation of Stevie Nicks’s “Edge of Seventeen” was not received well by critics. In fact Lindsay sounded so bad it made me get in my car and crash just to get the sound out of my head.


At the American Music Awards, Lindsay Lohan’s version of Stevie Nicks’s “Edge of Seventeen” was not received well by critics. How bad was it? One critic said, as a singer, Lindsay Lohan is a tremendous driver.


Hot blonde 25-year-old Florida middle school teacher, Debra Lafave, pleaded guilty to having sex with a 14-year-old male student after he turned her in to his parents; she was sentenced to three years of house arrest; he was sentenced to thirty years of hearing his buddies ask; “Dude, what were you thinking when you turned her in?”



Not a good idea
To protest the start of the New Jersey bear season, animal rights activists are dressing up as bears. That’s nuts, that’s as dangerous as dressing up as a Turkey on Thanksgiving in front of Kirsty Alley’s house.

We gonna bring it an

We gonna bring it and sting it and take it all to the rack right now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



Tacky, tacky, tacky
The Nike corporate jet, with three of their top executives on board, had a problem with its landing gear. It turns out the Nike jet landed fine but it was pretty scary. So scary for a while there Nike’s motto changed from “Just Do It” to “Just Did It In Their Pants.”


wHat Is theiR pRobLem?
The makers of TiVo have announced you will be able to record shows and put them on video iPods. This announcement, however, does not explain why technically advanced companies like TiVo and iPod and eBay don’t know how to use small and capital letters correctly.



Oh, those women
Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel with male prostitutes for women; this is for those women who don’t want to go to all the time and effort of walking up to any man and saying; “You’ll do.”


Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel with male prostitutes for women; guys, are you looking for that perfect Christmas gift for your wife? Heidi has gift certificates good for up to three boinks.


Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel with male prostitutes for women. Here is my question: how do male prostitutes fake their orgasms? (Bored monotone) “Oh, girlfriend, oh girl, you rock my world. Yes, work it, baby, work it. Yawn. Is that really the time? Oh baby, yeah.”


He just doesn’t get it
Banned for betting on baseball, Pete Rose is not on the ballot for the Hall of Fame on his last year of eligibility; the news gets even worse for Rose, he bet a grand he’d be on the ballot.


Bear with me
It’s bear hunting season in New Jersey. Bear hunting is a little different in New Jersey; before you shoot the bear you have to give it a chance to accept entering the witness protection program.


It’s bear hunting season in New Jersey. Bear hunting is tricky in New Jersey. Before you shoot the bear you have to make sure that it isn’t really a drunk naked hairy guy named Vinny.


No, really
“American Idol” cranky judge Simon Cowell says he might not comeback to the show. Do you realize what this means? No seriously, does anyone have any idea what this means?

“American Idol” cranky judge Simon Cowell says he might not comeback to the show. This comes as crushingly disappointing news to those ten people who actually give a rat’s ass.


Two words
Ted Koppel is leaving after 42 years on ABC. Koppel said he is not retiring but did not specify what he would do but, I have a pretty good idea. Two words: Hip Hop.


What we need when we needed it
A book of Bob Dylan’s poem are for sale. Buy this book and find out what word rhymes with muhwuhewwuhah.


A book of Bob Dylan’s poem are for sale. The audio tape of Dylan’s book of poems comes complete with subtitles.


Perfect
Sharper Image now features a turbo nose hair trimmer. The turbo nose hair trimmer is the perfect gift for those people on your Christmas list planning to make out with Andy Rooney.



Not a good idea
Sharper Image now features a turbo nose hair trimmer. Guys, the turbo nose hair trimmer is the perfect gift not to give your girl this Christmas. As presents to women go, the turbo nose hair trimmer makes the dust buster look like a diamond necklace.


Yikes
A new study from London reveals what 60% of women determine if a man is sexually attractive by the style and quality of their shoes. Especially Shaquille O’Neal’s size 24 EEE’s.



Maid sense
In the new issue of “Blender” magazine, singer Rickey Martin admits he likes to urinate on his lovers in the shower. In a related story, Rickey Martin’s personal maid has resigned.


Who is the marketing genius?
Southwest Airlines has launched a plane in honor of the NBA called Slam Dunk One. And what could be better than naming an aircraft after a move intended to violently hurtle an object to the ground?


Not everyone is happy
The Nike corporate jet, with three of their top executives on board, had a scare when it had a problem with its landing gear. It turns out the Nike jet landed fine so that is great news to everyone but the countless thousands of underpaid, underage Asian shoe factory workers.

The resurgent Chicago Bears, revitalized under coach Lovie Smith, are 7-3 have won six in a row and have the best defense in the NFL. That makes the Bears, without question, the greatest team in the NFL ever coached by a guy with the same name as “Gilligan’s Island’s ” Mrs. Lovie Howell III


Imagine that?
Ted Koppel is leaving after 42 years on ABC. To give you an idea how big this news is at ABC when they first heard about Koppel leaving, all of the women on “The View” were actually silent for over one second.


Since you asked:

Don’t you have to love “Monday Night Football?” Vikings at Green Bay in the fall? Last second win? Come on. The NBA has to be dying with envy. Two lousy teams that are a blast to watch? I would rather get my gums scraped then watch the Atlanta Hawks play the Raptors.

That fun MNF game last night reminded me of one of my favorite Ann Caroline stories. Two years ago we were watching that amazing game Brett Favre played the week his father died. The announcer, Al Michaels, commented that it was particularly rough that Brett’s father passed away so soon before Christmas. Just five-years-old at the time, Ann Caroline looked upset and asked;


“Are the angels going to make sure that his Dad gets Christmas in heaven?”

We gonna find us her

We gonna find us here a runway and put her down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush said he did not want the Iraq war to turn into a partisan showdown. It was awkward when Bush went on to say; “A partisan showdown would be bad for everybody especially the people of Partisa.”


Not since then, huh?
The Chicago Bears shut down the first place Carolina Panthers to only three points, 13-3. The Panthers offense hasn’t seen a licking like that since they had to fire their two lesbian cheerleaders.


That much, huh?
Inspired by his trip to China, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley wants to extend school to six days a week to improve student’s math scores; when asked to respond, one student said; “Six days a week? Why that’s an increase of like forty percent.”


Dress for success
The off-court dress code has been strictly enforced by the NBA. To show how tough the league is they are even making the 0-8 Atlanta Hawks dress as if they were a real NBA team.


This new NBA dress code is thorough. Now, before he can open the door for room service, Kobe Bryant has to put on pants.


The new NBA dress code has been very upsetting for some of the players; usually when an NBA player is wearing a suit a judge ends up ordering them to pay child support.



Sad
Last week was the 40th anniversary of the Pop Tart. To show how fat and lazy we have become, sales of Pop Tarts are down because people now complain they’re too difficult to cook.


Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it, 2
How about that fight in congress between the democrats and republicans over Iraq last week? When asked if he thought Congress should be more bi-partisan, Bush replied; “No, and I still don’t think they should be allowed to get married.”


Oh Mickey you’re so fine
Mickey Mouse turned 77 last week. You know Mickey Mouse was originally called Steamboat Willy; but Mickey decided to change his name and get engaged to Minnie to quell the gay rumors about him and Goofy.

Give or take
People are actually using hand-held video players, like the new iPod, to watch porn. The bad news? This will make guys even more distracted when driving. The good news? It will only be for about two minutes.


Loose like the juice
After being acquitted in a criminal trial, actor Robert Blake was found guilty of killing his wife and was ordered to pay $30 million. You know what that means? O.J. Simpson’s getting a roommate.


Writering for Dummies
Nicole Richey is out promoting her new book; “The Truth About Diamonds.” I thought we cleared this up with Paris Hilton’s book: Don’t you have to have read a book before you can try and sell one?”


Not fair
In the “Sexiest Man Alive” issue of “People” magazine, Matthew McConaughey admitted he hasn’t used deodorant since 1985. That’s so unfair. Matthew McConaughey doesn’t use deodorant and what’s he called? The sexiest man of the year; a regular guy doesn’t use deodorant and what’s he’s called? A Trekkie.


Writering for dummies again
Nicole Richey is out promoting her new book; “The Truth About Diamonds.” Critics say it is similar to Paris Hilton’s book minus the brilliant writing.


Nicole Richey is out promoting her new book; Nicole said she decided to write a book when she heard that there are actually people out there who like totally like to read and stuff like that.


Nicole Richey is promoting her new book; “The Truth About Diamonds.” That sound you heard is Ernest Hemingway spinning in his grave.



Oh Mickey, again
Mickey Mouse turned 77 last week. You know originally Mickey Mouse was called Steamboat Willy; but he had to change his name because of the rumors of a porno movie he did starting out.


You know there is a nice way to say that. No, I guess there isn’t . . .
Christina Aguilera got married to a music executive at Northern California winery; Even though she’s married, Christina is going to keep her name: Skank.”


Get it?
A new study reveals that walking everyday can increase your life expectancy by four years. The bad news? Four years is how long it will take you to make it back home.


Not since then
Saturday in a closer-than-expected 50-42 win over Fresno State, USC’s Reggie Bush racked up a total of 513-yards. That’s the farthest anyone named Bush has run who wasn’t being chased for a pardon by “Scooter” Libby.


Proud
How about the fight in congress over Iraq? One House republican called the democrats cowards then a democrat ran over to the republicans and yelled they were pathetic; this is a time when it really makes someone proud to stand up and say; “I’m a registered Independent.”


Specials
Heidi Fleiss is going to open a brothel with male prostitutes just for women; she is currently offering two specials: “The Talk and Cuddle” for $500 and “Shopping for Antiques” for $550.



Just Flew it
A Nike corporate jet had to make an emergency landing in Portland. It landed fine, but I thought it was a little thoughtless when the control tower ordered the then-stricken Nike plane to land by saying “Just do it.”


Nike said there were no sports stars on the plane, so, at the time, that didn’t rule out any of the Los Angeles Clippers or Dodgers.


It was embarrassing when President Bush was told the Nike plane was monitored by the Federal Aviation Administration, Bush asked “Aviation Administration? Oh no, does that plane have the bird flu?”


Since you asked;

Thought of some more advantageous to my idea of commissioning a stealthy patrol of A-Hole taggers to spray indelible blue ink in the faces of those who act like, and or are, an A-Hole.

Madonna could finally take her rightful place with the Blue Man Crew.

All Mets fans faces will match their caps.

Lawyers wouldn’t have to use business cards to identify themselves.

Blockbuster Video clerks will have a way to cover up their acne.

Thanks to the USC fan’s faces, there will appear to be nothing but blue at the upcoming UCLA-USC game.

It will finally explain why Leonardo DiCaprio’s face is blue at the end of “Titanic.”