Thursday, August 25, 2011

Take this, make a wax statue out of it, place it in the hot sun until it melts, then you have:


Stories still emerging from the East's earthquake. In New Jersey the quake was so strong, it knocked a juiced-up guido off of Snooki.

Dog mourns at casket of fallen Navy SEAL

A Kentucky man, who was suing his surgeon for amputating his penis without permission, lost his lawsuit. When asked why he lost, he said he was stumped.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Super Hot Stand Up Paddle Boarder

We gonna snatch them bald-headed then kick they butt for being bald, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

The East still recovering from the quake. Speaker John Boehner was so scared his facial color went from Sedona orange to light pumpkin.

The East is still recovering from their earth quake. In New York, that thing on Donald Trump's head is still under the bed hiding.

The hookers in Times Square were running an aftershock special.

The Washington monument cracked during the quake. They are going to try and seal it using Michele Bachmann's laser-beam eyes.

A Tennessee highway was closed after canisters of bull semen fell off a bus;

"OK, this I got to hear again. You're late for work why?"

That is bad news for Tennessee. The worse news? The canisters of bull semen were on their way to the Titan's training camp.

A Kentucky man who was suing his doctor for amputating his penis without permission, lost his case. His attorney even brought in three experts at amputating penises; Lorena Bobbitt, Tiger Woods's ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, and feminist attorney Gloria Allred

Lex's 11 Step Recipe For Grilling The Perfect Steak Updated:

Step One: Buy a thick prime Spencer cut rib-eye (preferably bone-in) from Tip Top Meat in Carlsbad or another top butcher.

Step two: marinate it in a ziplock bag with peanut oil with all the air pushed out for at least an hour.

Step three: make a rub of garlic powder, smoked paprika, salt, pepper and finely ground French roast coffee.

Step four: apply the rub and let the steak get to room temperature.

Step five: light the lump oak charcoal in the coal chimney lit with newspaper underneath. (This is when you play the grilling playlist on your outdoor speakers)

Step six: place the burning coals on one side of the Weber kettle.

Step seven: sear the steak one minute and 45 seconds on each side directly on the burning coals. By that I mean on the grate directly above the coals, not actually on the coals.

Step eight: remove the steaks and place them back on the cutting board, drizzle with the left-over peanut oil and add more salt.

Step nine: let the steak(s) rest for ten minutes. No less. More is fine.

Step ten: put the steaks back on the grill away from the coals at a 90 degree angle for cross marks. Cover lid with the holes open four minutes a side, total of eight minutes, grand total of, including searing, 11 1/2 minutes. (a little more for really thick, a little less for thinner) Do the push test, but DO NOT cut or poke with a fork. Total time, 21 1/2 minutes including resting after searing.

Step eleven: remove, add a little more salt and let the steak (s) rest for five minutes before cutting.

An entire ribeye is too much, so I slice each steak into thirds and arrange them on a decorative pewter platter. This way guests can pick how much steak they want and the doneness they prefer. Should be a pink and juicy medium rare. Garnish the steaks with chopped parsley.

If you prefer more done than medium rare, than nuke the sliced steaks for thirty seconds in the microwave, you no-taste-having, perfect-steak- ruining effing baboon.

Don't show me how strong you are, just serve with a potato dish of either tater tots or even french fries, both almost burnt, or my world famous roasted garlic and Parmesan cheese baked mash potatoes.

For a steak sauce I put a dab of horseradish sauce on the plate for light dipping. For the potatoes, ketchup. And red wine.

Snick, dap, bitty, bop, swap, bap, boo. Mmm, mmm, mmm

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar tissue

Three of my favorite things in the world all together: Marisa Miller, Conesky O'Bonesky and a SUP. All that is missing is Mount Gay rum, an oak wood grilled steak and a yellow Labrador puppy.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Inspector Kemp.wmv

"Vhoodshteps, vhoodshteps, vhoodschteps."

'Dis right here should be named Dewey

The sun may rise in the East, but at least it settles in its final location, it’s understood that Hollywood sells Californication, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Will and Jada Smith broke up? Hollywood is harder on marriages than getting caught naked picture texting.

Earthquake back East. It was shaking so hard in Washington, D.C., it knocked Marcus Bachmann on top of Michele Bachman.

That D.C. earthquake really scared the crap out of Nancy Pelosi. No, wait, that is how she always looks.

Northwestern study concludes some bi-sexual men really are attracted to both sexes. It is called “The Andy Dick Report.”

New rioting has broken out in Tripoli over the correct spelling of "Kill Gadhafi".

"It is to be starting with a Q."

"No, for the love of Allah, it starts with a K."

"And where the Satan's dogs do all the H's go?"

A radical Muslim threatened to cut off David Letterman's tongue. That's an improvement of a few years ago when he had an affair, his wife wanted to cut off something else.

Monday, August 22, 2011

John Wayne: "Gay rumors? What gay rumors?" (This is not a doctored photo)

Bruce Jenner: "Gay rumors? What gay rumors?" (Unlike Jenner, this is not doctored)

Laird Sharing a Wave.MP4

Dale would go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Is it just me, or does Texas Gov. Rick Perry look like a guy who licks his thumb before peeling off bills from his money clip?

Is it just me, or does Texas Gov. Rick Perry look like a guy who, after a shoe shine, flips a silver dollar to the shoe shine guy and calls him slick?

Kim Kardashian was married in a white wedding dress. That is about as appropriate as Richard Simmons getting married in a Chicago Bear uniform.

Explain to me why Kim was walked down the aisle by that scary lesbian women's prison warden? Huh? Bruce Jenner? Sorry.

Thought it was bad form for the minister to conclude the vows with;

"I now pronounce you man and wife. I give it 'til Labor Day."

A 61-year-old New York lifeguard is suing his bosses for firing him for refusing to wear a Speedo. The man didn’t think any guy over 50 should wear a Speedo. Finally, a guy with enough good judgment we can elect as our President.

In Libya, the rebels call cutting supplies to Tripoli; “Choking Ghadafi.” In a related story, millions of American teenage boys now call what they do in the bathroom “Choking Ghadafi.”

Since you asked:

Did you see Chicago Cubs rookie short stop, Starlin Castro, pouting and flouncing at short stop during pitches like a little brat who is mad his parents won't buy him cotton candy? Somebody, the manager Mike the Q or the Cubs owner, Ricketts, needs to bitch-slap the bored smirk off his face or trade his ass as soon as possible.

How about that frozen rope Hope Solo threw for the opening pitch at Wrigley Saturday night? Not just a strike, but a strike with some jugo. Now, I shouldn't find that arousing, right?

Am I going crazy or is Paris Hilton looking more like a full-blown transvestite every day?

Sports Illustrated showed an interesting sidebar that shows that Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus are almost dead even at 35-years-old in terms of majors won, tournaments won, top ten finishes, etc. This would seem to bode well for Tiger breaking Jack's major record.

Nothing could be more wrong.

If Tiger does go on to break Jack's record it would be great for all of sports. But, in my opinion, Tiger has no chance.

At their same age, Jack and Tiger are a study of juxtaposed stars. Jack was getting more popular, patient, friendlier, wiser, fitter, and his swing was ironclad.

Tiger is growing more annoying, testy, bitchy, injured, moody, and his revamped swing is beginning to look more hacked-up and unnatural than Bruce Jenner's face.

It would surprise me if Tiger ever wins another major. Again, I don't like Tiger, I know, like everybody else, what a lying hypocrite and immoral, disloyal, cheap diva, bitch a-hole he is. But I would like to see him bring some small measure of the excitement he used to bring to golf.

But Tiger is an emotionally defeated man. Once they tore down his phony getting-licked-by-Yogi-the-labradoodle family man facade down, we see the sad playing-X-box-in-his tightie-whites-while-slurping- Coco- Puffs loser Tiger really is.

Tiger strikes me as someone who is laboring under a horrible mental burden/depression. Maybe it is about the doctor who is being grilled by the Feds to throw Tiger under the bus for using human growth hormone.

And guys like that don't win any more majors.

Nope, like he always has and always will, the great writer, Dan Jenkins, nailed it when he said that Tiger Woods is, as they say in the South, graveyard dead.

If one of my Cubs fans buddies - including Ray, Jeff and Barry "The Wizard of" Rozner - could tell me the cause and extent of Starlin Castro's apparent giant poopy diaper, I would appreciate it. (Roz, nice piece on comparing Zombrano and Sosa)