Happy April Fools Procrastinators day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Russian President Vladimir Putin is getting divorced. Which explains why he is planning a joint
invasion of the Marina Del Ray Oakwood apartments and the Cheesecake Factory
The Milwaukee Brewers’ mascot dog, Hank, bit the racing Italian
Sausage on the crotch. How bad is it? Let’s just say if the Italian Sausage
wants to draw a walk, he’ll need three more balls.
The winner of the $425 million Power Ball Lottery, Northern
California man named B. Raymond Buxton, finally collected his month-old winnings wearing
a Yoda t-shirt. This will make Buxton the first man worth $425 mil. who can’t
Today is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Because what our
fat asses really needed was a National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day.
The San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus is going to feature an All
Madonna program; thus breaking the world record for the gayest thing ever set
by the “Glee” All Barbra Streisand show.
How far has Tiger Woods fallen since his fire hydrant hitting
escapade in the Escalade? 14-majors-winner Tiger went from a lock to beat Jack
Nicklaus’s record of 18 majors to a deep, deep long shot. For a 38-year-old
with the back of a 55-year old to beat hundreds of young guys with healthy
backs five times? It is simply asking too much. Even of Tiger.
Knowing, as we now do, that Tiger is a world-class hypocrite a-hole tool, it sort of frees us up to focus on what an amazing golfer he truly is.
Believe me, I hope Tiger does break the record. It would be
great for sports in general. (“HIMYM” salute) But in private (“HIMYM” salute)
even Tiger has to feel his time is running out faster than the caviar at
Anderson Cooper’s Tony Awards party.
Counting Tiger out of anything has proven to be a loser’s
proposition, he is tougher than a two-dollar Las Vegas steak. But it simply is
not Tiger against Tiger anymore like it used to be. Now there are about 20
young Tiger-like players out there. Let’s put it this way, Tiger would have to
win as many majors as the second greatest player, Phil Mickelson, has ever won.
In the words of Dana Carvey as GHWB, “Not gonna dooooo it.”
This memo just came in:
Seattle Seahawks corner, Richard Sherman, is now officially the expert spokesperson for absolutely anything and everything that has anything to do with African Americans.