They call him Flipper, Flipper faster than lightening, no one you see, is smarter than he, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not a good fit for her
Hillary Clinton has backed off from pushing for the job of Barack Obama’s running mate; Hillary realized that she has hated laboring underneath a man ever since her honeymoon with Bill.

Youch
The bank foreclosed on Evander Holyfield’s $10 mil Atlanta house; Evander thought it hurt when Mike Tyson bit a chunk out of his ear? Just wait until the IRS bites a chunk out of his ass.

And he deserved it
Yesterday, a surfer in San Diego found 70 pounds of marijuana on the beach and turned it over to police; today that surfer was given a civic commendation followed by a righteous beat-down by his fellow surfers.

Booze studies
A study reveals that ingredients in red wine may actually slow the aging process; in addition, ingredients in Jagermiester may speed up the sex process.

That’s the part he doesn’t like?
Reputed September 11th attack planner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed told a military judge that he would welcome the death penalty but that he strongly objects to being charged with impersonating Rosie O’Donnell.

New Post
John Edwards announced he has no interest in being chosen as a running mate for Barack Obama. If Obama wins the presidency, Edwards would, however, be interested in a cabinet position as the secretary of yummie.

We kid the Arkies
Good news, they fixed the busted toilet in the International Space Station. One more week without a toilet and they would have had to officially declare the space station part of Arkansas.

Different
In environmental news, an Italian composer is writing an Opera based on Al Gore’s documentary “Inconvenient Truth.” Now don’t confuse this with the Bill Clinton Opera, that one isn’t over until the fat intern sings.

Psycho babble
The new catch phrase is self-awareness. It’s good to be self-aware. Plus, according to a study, guys can reduce their chances of getting prostate cancer by being self-aware five times a week.

Yipes
A “Vanity Fair” article insinuates Bill Clinton, had an affair with actress Gena Gershon; if this is true it brings a whole new meaning to Gina’s cover shot on “Cigar Aficionado” magazine.

Since you asked:
It is Lex’s Fantasy Camp weekend so far. Friday had a good run and rested for a gig at the swanky Mira Mesa Inn. Picturing palm trees, exotic beautiful birds and strumming Spanish guitars, gorgeous senoritas carrying margaritas? Dial it down to pool tables, dart boards and a couple of tattooed babes filling pitchers with electric guitars and a harp whaling rockin’ blues and lots of folks dancing.

But it was a great crowd and the band, if I do say so, kicked ass. Sang my two songs, “Unchain My Heart” and “Love is Strong” in the first set and they went real well. Folks danced and clapped which is all we can ask for. Some real special moments during “Red House” and “LA Woman” and “Brown Sugar” and “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” We laid down the jam until midnight.

Then I got up at 5:30, made coffee and headed out to La Jolla Shores. It was perfect. Good sets of waist high. When I paddled out there were dolphins, or Dolphunskis, as I like to call them. There were a pair frolicking just fifteen feet away from me. It was amazing. I could not wipe the smile off of my face. The three of us playing together out in the ocean.

Had a good hour and a half session, a new personal record and I am beat. Ann Caroline and Virg have a daughter-Mommy pool party to go to and then a play date, so I am free to couch surf and watch Big Brown and my Cubbies while grilling Tri tip and drinking a couple of Maggies.

The Triple Crown excitement is great because it causes people to re-live or learn and see how truly magnificent Secretariat was. His 100-yard win performance at Belmont was awe inspiring. People there said there wasn’t a dry eye in the place as everyone suddenly became overwhelmed when they realized they were watching history, incredible athleticism to the point of perfection as well as beauty at a spiritual intensity.

Good luck Big Brown. But there is only one Secretariat.

Dale would go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Let’s us prey not
Did you hear that restroom enthusiast Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is writing a book? Oh, lord, I hope it’s not a pop-up book.

Too much info
A website quotes Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, describing Bill Clinton’s penis. Not to get too graphic, but let’s just say Bill’s politics aren’t the only thing that points to the left.

A website quotes Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, describing Bill Clinton’s penis. Not to get too graphic, but let’s just say Bill’s speeches weren’t the only thing with a hook in it.

A website quotes Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, describing Bill Clinton’s penis. Not to get too graphic, but both women agree, presidentially speaking, Bill wasn’t exactly swinging an Abe Lincolnesque axe.

A website quotes Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, describing Bill Clinton’s penis. Not to get too graphic, but both women agree, presidentially speaking, Bill wasn’t exactly following Teddy Roosevelt’s advice to walk softly and carry a big stick.

First idea
Barack Obama has a committee reviewing possible running mates. So far they’ve only come up with one suggestion: pick anyone but Hillary.

Hillary Clinton has conceded the delegates to Barack Obama but not the nomination. That’s like saying you haven’t lost a poker game when you don’t have anymore money or chips.

Rough times for Bill Clinton. His political power is melting due to his red-face rants and now two former women-who-know are describing his penis online as, well, not exactly presidential. In short, he ain’t so slick and neither is his willy.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The Boston Celtics won game one of the NBA finals against the Los Angeles Lakers. It was very awkward when they asked the President which team he was for, Bush said; “The Lakers, to be blunt, I don’t trust some of those radical Muslim Celtics.”

I guess not
Singer Shania Twain is going through a divorce with her producer-husband “Mutt” Lange. He was seeing her assistant. But there are two sides. Early in her marriage, Shania told an interviewer that she doesn’t like sex. Apparently she doesn’t need her Shania Twain’d.

Singer Shania Twain is going through a divorce with her producer-husband “Mutt” Lange. There have been lesbian rumors about Shania; if true, lesbian rumors would bring new meaning to her songs “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” and “The Woman in Me.”

Singer Shania Twain is going through a divorce with her producer-husband “Mutt” Lange. He was seeing her assistant. What a shock, a guy named Mutt turns out to be a real dog.

Singer Shania Twain is going through a divorce with her producer-husband “Mutt” Lange after 14 years of marriage. He was seeing her assistant. But in his defense, that 14-years of marriage was 98 in Mutt-years.

*We got the frizsfrazits flickin’ with the wissawockets in the flackendoodles, hah, hah, hah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(*Homage to Bill Cosby)

We kid the President
After undergoing brain surgery, Ted Kennedy was reported to be lucid, sharp, alert and articulate. In other words he’s doing a lot better than our President.

If I didn’t know better
Bill Clinton issued another angry rant, this time aimed at a “Vanity Fair” article that mentioned rumors of more Bill Clinton affairs. Man, this dude is so cranky, if I didn’t know better I’d swear he needs to get laid.

Oh no
Singer Shania Twain caught her producer-husband, "Mutt" Lange, having an affair with his assistant. The worst part? Shania caught Mutt doing it doggy style.

Bolt? Hell he flew
Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set the world record for the 100 meters at 9.72. You think that’s fast? You should see the guy running through airport security when they find out his first name is Usain.

Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set the world record for the 100 meters at 9.72. The aptly named Bolt ran much faster than his competitors Joe Meander, Tommy Shuffle and Bobby Stroll.

Tough duty
The Royal Navy has sent Prince William on a two month patrol of the Bahamas. If he survives this dangerous mission they will send him to the topless beaches of the Riviera to search for breasts of mass reconstruction.

Bad news, worse news
There was a fire at Universal Studios. The bad news is that they lost a lot of films when their vault burned down. The worse news is that “Ed” and “Kindergarten Cop” aren’t among them.

Learn from history
Hillary Clinton won Puerto Rico but lost more delegates. Didn’t the democrats learn from Gore and Bush 2000, election? In order to win an election you first have to lose it.

Sad
Blues legend Bo Diddley passed away at 79. To honor his memory, fans are wearing their Diddleys at half mast.

Non-geeks
Research shows that 20% of Americans have never used e-mail; there is a technical name for these people: your parents.

Fun game
“People” magazine has “Second Look” which features two nearly identical pictures of Paris Hilton posing with six Russian soldiers in Moscow’s Red Square and you try and spot the changes. In the first picture, one of Paris’s purse straps is hidden, and one of the soldier’s shirts is striped, in the second picture, all six soldiers have a sexually transmitted disease.

We got no call to chuck a spaz up in this here blizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sang it
Blues legend Bo Diddley passed away at 79. The funeral service will be held Early in the mornin’/ When my baby left and gone away/ I said it will be held early in the mornin’/ When my baby left and gone away/ Don’t send no flowers/ You up give that money away.

Good for her
Have you seen Chelsea Clinton campaigning with her mom? My word, Chelsea has grown into a very attractive and well-adjusted young woman. Here’s my question: how is that possible?

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
There was a fire on the Universal Studios that destroyed the “Back to the Future” lot; it was awkward, when they informed President Bush he asked; “Why didn’t they go back in time and put the fire out when it started?”

Not good
“Sex and the City” beat “Indiana Jones” at the box office. That’s how you know Indy is getting up there, when he gets his butt kicked by a bunch of horny Cosmo swilling urban cougars.

Didjya see it?
The Discovery took off to fix the clogged toilet in the space station. They had to make special adjustments. Did you see it? It was a Space Shuttle lift-off rocket with a huge rubber plunger on top.

The Discovery took off to fix the clogged toilet in the space station. “So tell me grandpa, when you were an astronaut on the space shuttle, what was your mission?” “Unhumm a hummuhm.” “What was that, grandpa?” “We unclogged a toilet, OK. You happy you little wise ass?”

Not a dream merger
Merger talks between United and US Airways have broken down; and the merger of UPS airlines and Jet Blue isn’t going to work either because that would be UP Blue.

Dream merger
The NBA has announced they will give fines for flopping No more flopping. Why do I sense a “No Flopping” Viagra-NBA tie-in deal?

Not the same
The “Sex and the City” movie opened huge this weekend; don’t confuse “Sex and the City” with the movie they’re going to make based on Barbara Walter’s autobiography, “Audition” that will be “Sex and the Bitty.”

Dear ol’ dad
TMZ reports Clay Aiken is going to be a dad; if it’s a girl, they are going to name the baby Jay, after the mother, his 50-year-old producer, Jaymes Foster, if it is a boy, they’re going to name it after the father, Random Donor.

This just in:

Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set the world record for the 100 meters at 9.72. Usain Bolt was even faster than his competitors Johnny Jam, Billy Split, Joey Book and David Skidaddle.

Since you asked:

The other day, I came back from a good SUP surf session – or sesh, as the cool kids call it – feeling pretty smug. Yep, there I was scarfing – as my fellow surf dudes call it – a nice pile of local taco stand Mexican food Carnitas and beans and tortillas, ice cold Maggie on the rocks in hand, when I suddenly couldn’t keep myself from talking just like Matthew McConaughey complete with the self-satisfied drawl and the S talking.

“Well ahhhhhriiiight, aahhhhright, ahhhriight. We are . . . livin’ . . . the . . . lifessssstyyyle, yesssssss, yesssss, yessssss.”

It was so obnoxious I even annoyed myself. But I stopped short of taking my shirt off. Nobody needs to see that.

In all seriousness, Slats and Nugglies, be very cautious around anyone who uses the term lifestyle seriously.

What it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Rock and Roll Marathon in San Diego was swept by three Kenyans; in other shocking sports news, a golfer gave another golfer a very clumsy and awkward high five.

The NBA has announced they will give fines for flopping and they’re serious, today they fined every single professional soccer player $50,000.

Maxim reported New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has dated six women on the magazine's "Hot 100 of 2008" list. Sure, six out of a hundred doesn’t sound impressive in baseball terms, but he reached home every time.

Sharon Stone is in trouble for saying China’s earthquake was due to bad karma from mistreating Tibet; this brilliant political and spiritual insight is brought to you by an actress most famous for flashing her vajay-jay.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the San Antonio Spurs and are going to the NBA finals; the most amazing shot was Kobe’s fade-away jumper over Spurs center Tim Duncan to make it 89-82. It was the most amazing shot since Clay Aiken impregnated his 50-year-old producer.


The Los Angeles Lakers will face the Boston Celtics for the NBA Championship. The good news is this will bring back footage of the Larry Bird/Magic Johnson championships in the eighties. The bad news is this will bring back footage of Larry
Bird in his Daisy Duke tight green shorts.