Saturday, December 08, 2012

Wally's official new unofficial title is Knuckus. Part Knucklehead, part Ruckus. 

 Johnny "Football" Manziel
Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Separated at Birth?

Friday, December 07, 2012

The gorgeous and talented Olivia Munn minus her pet llama, Gary

It is what it is is what it is is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is now legal to smoke pot in Washington State. As a result the University of Washington has changed their mascot from the Huskies to the Snoop Dogs.

Finally some good news for last place Seattle Mariners fans.

In Thailand they serve a coffee brewed from beans digested by an elephant for $50 a cup; it is called a Latte Crapola. 

Can you believe how expensive that is? $50 bucks a poop, uh, I mean pop.

Barbara Walters has included Honey Boo Boo in her “Most Fascinating People of 2012” show. Or, as the show is titled all over the rest of the world; “Why We Hate Americans.”

A Florida man was arrested after he left his ten-month-old baby alone with their pit bull while he drank at a bar. However, this being Florida, the man is still in contention for the title of Father-of-the-year.

In Thailand they serve a coffee brewed from beans digested by an elephant for $50 a cup; and once you drink the coffee, they give you a t-shirt that says; “I am an utter a-hole.”

On an interview on the “Today” show, Barbra Streisand said she is not a diva; you want to know what is the number one sign somebody is a diva? Going on national TV to say they’re not a diva.

Negotiations in the National Hockey League lockout between the NHL players association and the owners has completely fallen apart; Or, as they call the NHL lockout in Los Angeles: “That thing nobody notices.”

 Since you asked: 
You know what is awesome? That moment right when you drift off to sleep. Slowly you go from using your brain to think, to the brain doing the thinking for you, i.e. dreaming. It goes something like this:

“Whew, I am tired. Good day though. Good work out. Actually got into the pool. Working out sure is easier when it is fun. It’s like surfing or snowboarding. Being tired is the enemy and you fight it. On the other hand, nobody ever said; “Wow, that half-an-hour on the Stairmaster just wasn’t enough, I want to go again.” 

"Hey, wow, is that Olivia Munn on that Stairmaster? I didn’t know she belonged to this gym. Why is she working out in her panties and bra? And why does she have her pet llama, Gary, with her? “

Dear Hall and Oates:

What is with the 'tude on that bitch, Sarah? It's not like you're asking a lot. Just a smile. Not even a laugh. Sheesh.

Your pal, your buddy,


Now, I don't want to say;

These Under Armor workout underwear shorts are tight? But for the first time I hit the high note with Randy Meisner on "Take it to the Limit." 

Thursday, December 06, 2012

They don’t bring that mess all up in this humpy bumpy and such, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

86-year-old, Hugh Hefner, is marrying 26-year-old Chrystal Harris; if you want to get the couple a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Bath and By-God-I-Am-Going-To-Be-Sick.

Rap mogul, Jay Z, just bought an $8 mil. car. It’s called a Maybach, as in “The Republicans May Back off from not taxing the rich if the rich keep blowing $8 mil on cars.”

A study reveals French men’s sperm levels have dropped 32%. And here we thought it was just the French army that was shooting blanks.

(Blast "The Star Spangled Banner" in your head)  

New York Yankee aging-star, Alex Rodriguez, is scheduled to undergo hip surgery; apparently A-Rod’s hip couldn’t withstand the punishment of years of pounding from an over-weight wallet.

The London home of Amy Winehouse sold for $3.2 mil. Not surprising when you factor in the spilled drugs in the carpet had a street value of $1.9 million.

86-year-old, Hugh Hefner, is marrying 26-year-old Chrystal Harris; if you want to get the couple a gift, they’re registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Comprehension.

86-year-old, Hugh Hefner, is marrying 26-year-old Chrystal Harris; you’ve heard of May-to-December romance? This is a May –to-December –In-Sixty –Years romance.

The World’s oldest woman, Besse Cooper, died in a Georgia nursing home at 116. They aren’t going into detail about the cause of death, but suffice it to say the erotic book “50 Shades of Grey” isn’t the best birthday present for a 116-year-old woman.

MTV has a new reality show called “Buckwild.” It focuses on the lives of nine West Virginia young people. It’s like “Jersey Shore” except without all the fancy sophistication and complicated family trees.

Since you asked:

My three favorite words are surf, baby, puppy. The first one brings so many fond memories and excitement for the future, the next two you can’t say without smiling.

The two best words for food? Soup and Milk. Milk sounds and feels like milk. Same with Soup. Nuts is pretty good. So is eggs.

Coffee is a horrible word. It should be something like Slag.

Wine is a good word. Steak is a good word. Potato is terrible. Spud is much better.

No, I take it back. My favorite food word is Biscuit. 

In my personal opinion,

I think Clay the Trey, Clay "So nice they named him Thrice," Clay Cubed, and or Clay Mathews III has a future in action films. He knocks his commercials out of the park. Especially the Fat Head commercial. 

Compare Clay Thray to David Beckham. Almost as handsome. Much more buffed. Better hair. And Clay Tri doesn't have a voice like a castrated chimney sweep. 

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

 Plus this
Equals this. Wally P. his own self. The hazin' B dog.

Give me a one-time on the one-time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Prince William and Duchess Kate are expecting a baby. Prince Charles is excited to be a grandfather. So is Camilla.

A lot of people feel the term Fiscal Cliff is too harsh. It should be more politically correct like Monetary Gulch.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are expecting a baby. Rumor has it if it is a girl, they will name it Elizabeth after the queen. If it is a boy, they are not sure, but they are not going to name it Fiscal, Cliff, Trump or Mitt.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are expecting a baby. Queen Elizabeth said she is thrilled. Prince Charles said he can’t wait to be a grandfather. And Prince Harry said; “Oh, please don’t let it be a redhead, please, please, please.” 

Since you asked;

"It's A Wonderful Life" edition.

George Bailey? Under- achiever

Mary Hatch? Passive aggressive enabler.

Mr. Gower? Alcoholic child abuser.

Violet Bick? Slut/Hooker. 

Ernie Bishop the cab driver and Burt the cop? Closeted gay lovers.

Uncle Billy? Mentally Challenged.

Sam Wainwright? A-hole spoiled child/ rich jerk. 

Guiseppe Martini? Ridiculously silly and insulting Italian stereotype.

Annie the maid? Ridiculously silly and insulting African-American stereotype.

Monday, December 03, 2012

If the NFL has any fashion and marketing sense, they will bring back these cool long coats.

Every sports star, actor, politician and wanna-be celebrity should study, as much as they can, and try to be as much as possible like, Paul Hornung.

Imagine Paul Newman and Robert Redford combined into the greatest athlete you ever saw. Now make that amazing athlete funny, charming, a leader and an all-around stud on and off the field.

How charming was Hornung? He took one of the hardest cases in history, Vince Lombardi, and turned him into putty. Lombardi himself was at a loss to explain the hold Hornung had on people. It was magical. It was chemistry. He made a room light up. 

As an athlete, Hornung was the best thrower, kicker, runner in the country. Not the best who could do all three, the best at all three. Now multiply that in high school by three, baseball, basketball and football.  

Combine the handsomest prince with the bravest warrior and the most popular entertainer in the Kingdom and you start to get closer. 

When you go to Louisville, Kentucky, granted a sports-crazy town and Hornung's hometown, the Golden Boy is talked about like he is still playing the NFL almost five decades later. There is nobody in the city who has a cross word to say about the man. Everybody has a story.

The closest I ever heard to Hornung was Mickey Mantle and Frank Gifford in New York. Babe Ruth was an icon, but the stories of his filth, crudeness, gluttony and selfishness tarnish his image.

Mickey Mantle and Frank Gifford were the essential "Guys want to be him, women want to sleep with him" sports gods. But  Mantle had some dark and angry issues. And Gifford was an insufferable egomaniac despised by many on his team. 

Probably the closest to Hornung was Joe Namath. 

Hornung's to-do list on an average practice day in Green Bay, Wisconsin is the stuff of legends and now would be the stuff of celebrity rehab. 

Start the day in the sauna to sweat out the night before. Go hard at practice. Invite a few boys back to his bachelor pad for cigars, cigarettes, poker and martinis. After poker, steak dinner. (Usually paid for by Hornung with his vast winnings from poker) After steak dinner, drinks at the local watering hole. About one in the morning he would invite a beautiful female guest (s) back to his place for some, well, special time. 

Next day? Repeat. 

Yes, later on, Hornung said a regrettable thing on radio about Notre Dame needing to lower academic standards to get more black athletes, but almost everyone agrees his words were taken out of context. His close relationship with black players at Green Bay were famous and way ahead of their time, especially for a Southern boy who grew up in a deeply segregated city. 

No, Hornung was a class act on and off the field. A Southern gentleman in the best sense of the word. 

Not sure we'll ever see another one like him.  

Mark Sanchez flinches.

This is when I knew it was over for Mark Sanchez. 

Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs for coming back with a win after a terrible tragedy. When the defense is in the cover two they need to use their third down inside technique on the hot read counter fade routes, but you still need your play-makers to make plays in fourth down territory. 

Yeah, I don’t know what the hell any of that means either. 

The term Fiscal Cliff has been changed to the more P.C. Financial Valley, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Starbucks is offering a $7 cup of coffee. It is called a Café Hipster Ass-bag-oh.

Chicago Bear, Brandon Marshall, said NFL players take Viagra as a performance enhancing drug. Here is my question: what performance is it enhancing? The after-game-shower-group-hug?

Viagra in the NFL could bring a new and horrifying meaning to blitzing the a-hole.

A woman in Florida was arrested for beating up her boyfriend after she claims he had an orgasm too quickly; she was charged with assault and battery, he was charged with being a dude.

The Post Office reported loses of over $16 billion. A financial expert prepared an amazing business plan to save the Post Office billions. But, sadly, it got lost in the mail.

A man in Dearborn, Missouri won half of the $580 mil. Powerball lottery and a friend of his, in an interview, said it could not happen to a nicer guy. He went on to describe the winner as an extremely handsome and generous man, willing to help a friend with no strings attached. 

Since you asked:

Lord knows I love just about everything about the Rolling Stones, but I have to say my favorite Stones era was the post-Brian Jones, pre-Ronnie Wood, even though I thought/think both were/are great.

Jones brought a lot of the blues stamp to the Stones, their first hit a cover of Jimmy Reed/ Howlin' Wolf/Willy Dixon's "Little Red Rooster," but his songs also had a kind of artsy/English studied funkiness to them like "Ruby Tuesday" and "Paint it Black." 

Ronnie Wood brought a lot of fun, energy, showmanship and partying to the band, but it lost a tad of it's edge and gained a bit of disco/pop stank in "Some Girls" and "Miss You." 

When Brian Jones was ousted - just before he died - in came two awesome influences to the band; Producer Jimmy Miller added his touch with the drums on the recordings of hits like "Brown Sugar" "All Down the Line" "Tumblin' Dice" and "Honky Tonk Woman," to this day they top my list of favorite Stones songs. 

At this time, Graham Parsons also brought his passion for Country music which both Keith and Mick took a shine to. "Wild Horses" also one of my favorite songs, was either highly influenced by Parsons or downright written by him - and stolen by Keith - if you believe ardent Parsons worshipers. (The fable has a smashed Parsons slurring through this at a backyard BBQ party at Mama Cass Elliott's Laurel Canyon home and Keith scurrying off down to a studio on Sunset Blvd to record it)

But the biggest impact at this time was the wildly talented and heroically under-appreciated guitar licks of Mick Taylor. There were microphone stands that had more on-stage charisma than Mick Taylor, but, as none other than Keith Richards described him, Taylor was a true virtuoso on the guitar. 

To show how bullet proof the popularity of the Stones is, take what I consider to be one of the worst and ill-advised public relations ploys ever and use it on the Stones. 

In the late Seventies and early Eighties, Mick Jagger became fascinated with psycho cult following of the androgynous David Bowie, T-Rex and others and set out to duplicate it. Mick endlessly crafted a persona that was both bisexual and mysterious. The problem? Almost none of the Stones core fan base were bisexual and or fascinated with androgyny. And, to make it even more unrealistic, Mick was not, as it turns out, bisexual. The whole thing smacked of a phony marketing schtick. 

That kind of image wrong turn would have killed the most famous bands/actor/singer in the world. The BS image door swings both ways. Imagine if Freddy Mercury tried to go all lady-killer stud? Gay or straight, fans can eventually smell a phony a mile away. Remember how George Michael tried to fool us? How did that work out? 

It did not even make a dent to the Stones popularity. 

Random Lex Thoughts:

Where does ADHD and or Arsperger's Syndrome end and just being an asshole begins?


How is it possible that Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Bruce Jenner, Lindsay Lohan, the entire cast of "Jersey Shore" the family in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" and everyone involved with "The Jerry Springer Show" do not know they are the punchline to a cosmic joke about universally despised, untalented a-holes? 

Why is it that the same useless helmet/tool, who first got in your way at the supermarket, will get in your way at least one more time before you leave?


Dear Manager of our Grocery Store:

On the way into the store, I have to tell at least one person  I do not want to buy something or sign anything. Then, once inside, I hear over the intercom the endless pitches to give money to some cause, albeit a good one. Then, when I check out, I am pitched some credit card deal by the cashier I don't want and then I am asked again to give money to a cause. Then the checkout screen also asks me if I want to give money to said cause. Then, on the way outside, I am hassled again by the person who hassled me on the way in. 

That is at least six to seven unwanted pitches I am subjected to in every trip to the store.

Yours truly,

Grumpy Lex


While staying at this hotel, I am taking our adorable puppy, Wally, for many walks. As you can see from the pictures I post, Wally looks like a direct cross between a baby lamb and a bunny except with a lot of spunky personality. Now, in our family's world, every single one of our friends goes totally bananas over Wally.

In the world of this hotel - which is mostly a Qualcomm dorm for computer specialists from all over the world, but mostly Asia - he garners reactions ranging from oblivious to annoyance to downright abject fear. 

So, in my world, I thought if you have a good joke or a cute puppy, everyone will go crazy for it. 

Not the case. 

As hard as it is for me to comprehend, some people do not like puppies. Some people do not like jokes. Some people do not like a perfectly grilled medium rare steak. Some people do not like music. Some people - and this one is really hard to swallow - don't like wine. 

Bill Cosby said he does not know the key to success, but he does know the key to failure: trying to please everybody. 

That and possibly taking yourself too seriously. 

Top 12 Worst First Date Statements:

"Did you know that Irritable Bowel Syndrome has different symptoms? Let me tell you about mine."

"Could you help me push this couch into my van?"

"OK, yes, technically I am one, but if you ask me the term sexual offender is pretty broad." 

"So is that yes or no on the whole "Are you wearing panties?" question?

"My snoring has been compared to flatulent hippo."

"I am going to get a new tattoo. How do you spell your name again?" 

"Did anyone ever tell you you look like an older, gayer Roseanne Barr?" 

"It was one of those days when I just could not decide between my pink and orange Crocs, so I wore one of each." 

"I've got to take this call, it's my gay partner." 

"What do you mean you don't love Justin Bieber?"

"The doctor says if my hemorrhoids get any worse they'll have to operate." 

"Hello. My name is Newt."