Friday, July 12, 2013

Snatch it back and holds it, baby, one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

San Francisco Giant reliever, Chad Gaudin, was arrested and charged with open and gross lewdness when he was drunk and fondled a woman at a hospital; who does this guy think he is? A New England Patriot? 

New England Patriot safety, Alfonzo Dennard, was arrested for drunk driving; man, between him and Aaron Henandez, these guys know how to put the riot in Patriot.

It has been weeks and that little NSA snitch, Edward Snowden, is still cowering in the Moscow airport; it is so bad, at this rate, Snowdon could suffer a serious Cinnabon overdose.

In Pittsburgh, a man got arrested at a Taylor Swift concert for holding up a sign that said “Taylor Swift is with Satan.” The man was not charged and was released with a warning: “Don’t do that again, Justin Bieber.”

An Oklahoma woman was sentenced to 25-years in prison for hiding a loaded gun in her vagina with the handle sticking out; police examined her and she appeared to be going off half-cocked.

Since you asked:

It is amazing how teams have personalities. And they seem to always mimic that iconic player who personified that team.

The New York Yankees are a perfect melding of the slick style of Joe DiMaggio and the burly crassness of a hard-drinking lady’s man in both Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle.

The Chicago Bears will always be a combination of Mike Ditka and Dick Butkus. That’s what made Brian Urlacher such a classic and great Bear. Broad shoulders, crew cut, thick Chicago accent, Midwestern hard-working values and the love of hitting someone. Hard.

The Chicago Cubs? A perfect combination of the smooth, laid-back friendly charm of Ernie Banks combined with the hard-working Ron Santo, complete with Ronnie’s thick Chicago accent.

The San Diego Chargers will always be that dashing bearded-gunslinger and body surfer, Dan Fouts.

Some teams’ personality is not having a personality. The Marlins, Miami Heat, Houston Texans, White Sox, Diamondbacks and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim with a little West Covina and Azusa thrown in come to mind.

For both good and bad, the Ravens will always be Ray Lewis.

Oakland Raiders will always be Kenny Stabler. Dallas Cowboys? Don Meredith. (Sorry Staubach)

US Olympic Track team? Steve Prefontaine, Lee Evans and Bob Seagren. Green Bay Packers? Exact combination of Alabama clean-cut boy, Bart Starr, and handsome and wildly charming Paul Hornung. Their Southern charm fit in perfectly in Wisconsin. 

The San Francisco Forty Niners combine the personality of their city, along with the awesome smell of boiling shrimp and crabs, sourdough bread and burning cable car brakes, and the awesome spookiness of Alcatraz along with the cool-guy- mentality of both Joe “Cool” Montana and the golfer, John Brodie and the graceful Jerry Rice.

San Francisco Giants will always be Willy Mays before he turned into such a bitter old man.   

Another team that has the personality of its city? The Milwaukee Brewers.

One team specifically had a personality and has since lost it. The New York Jets were all about Joe Willy Namath, but now, with Rex and Sanchez, they are silly green and white clowns.

New York Giants are an exact combination of Frank Gifford and Lawrence Taylor.

Los Angeles Dodgers will always smack of Don Drysdale and Sandy Kofax with that awesome red number. The Lakers are Magic and Jerry West, in that order. San Diego Padres? Tony Gwynn. Which is not a whole lot of personality. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Paula Deen canned her long-time agent, Barry Weiner. Paula Deen firing a Jew, who could have seen that coming?

Whole Foods is recalling a gourmet cheese because it could have listeria; listeria causes fever, vomiting and diarrhea. Or as Whole Foods calls fever, vomiting and diarrhea, bio-organic perspiration, orally produced regurgitation and sustainable intestinal expulsion.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Ashton Eaton Breaks Heptathlon World Record in Tallinn Estonia

This guy is simply unbelievable. Has my vote as the greatest athlete ever. Period. 

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

New York Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots. There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.

The murder investigations of former New England Patriot tight end, Aaron Hernandez, is not looking good for Hernandez; even OJ Simpson doesn’t think they can find a jury dumb enough to set him free.  

One of these days:

When I get some spare bucks and time, I am going to open a restaurant that only serves locally grown, organic, biodynamic, seasonable and sustainable produce and prepare it using only modern cooking techniques, i.e. molecular gastronomy like liquid nitrogen, powders and alginates, and it will cater to Vegans, French expatriates, poets, eco-warriors, jazz musicians, website designers, I.T. specialists and their life partners and I will call it:

Chez Douche Bags and Thumb Rings

The varying levels of "success" by comedians will never cease to amaze me. 

When I worked on Wall Street, success seem to come at two basic levels: people living in nice places but getting by paycheck to paycheck, and then people cashing in seven figure bonuses. Nobody was just making $20,000 or even less and almost nobody was making hundreds of millions. 

Look at Larry David. Prior to getting on the staff of "Saturday Night Live" he was living in an assisted living facilities and driving a cab in his late thirties. 

Now he is closing in on one billion.

Jay Leno was arrested for vagrancy on virtually the same spot he was later given a Hollywood star. 

Many, many talented comedians make no money. Literally, they do not get paid. They work for free.  They have day jobs and live with many other people in bad areas. They perform at comedy clubs on Wednesdays and Thursdays but not on the days that pay, Friday and Saturday. 

Getting hired as the doorman or bartender at a comedy club is a huge step up and that is at minimum wage. 

Like musicians and actors, the first big step in a comedians success is when they can get by just by what they make doing comedy. 

When the comedy club you perform at starts to send you to local paying gigs, that is another huge step. That happened to me in my stand up career. Not because I was the most talented, but because my act was the cleanest and played well at corporate functions. 

The next step is getting out-of-town gigs. This I did once. Sort of. Did a club in Santa Barbara. Most comedy clubs have a deal with an apartment or hotel where the comedian can stay for free. They get anywhere from $100 to $500 for a weekend. They spend most of that money traveling to the gig. And eating and drinking. Or drugs.

Some fairly famous comedians never bust out of this level. Does the name Argus Hamilton mean anything to you? No. But he has been a top performer at the Comedy Store in L.A. for decades. In the 70's he was way ahead of Leno and Letterman and Steve Martin and Michael Keaton and Robin Williams. 

There are some alleged comedians who achieve break-out success who have little or no comedic talent, but they are few and far between. Saw Michael Richards' act at the Comedy Store before his racist rant, and it was every bit as painful without the N-words. 

Jim Belushi comes to mind. People who have worked with Jim Belushi not only describe him as humorless, but mean-spirited and crude. 

Then there are the comedians who are wildly talented, bust out big-time to become legends, but then their egos become so huge, they take themselves so seriously, and they become so humorless and difficult, they almost cannot be hired. Eddie Murphy and Chevy Chase are good examples.

The hand-to-mouth-touring career is considered very successful for comedians. Comedians like Zach Galifianakis and Patton Oswalt were at this stage for many, many years until they exploded with "The Hangover" and "Ratatouille" respectively. 

Touring as a comedian itself exists at two levels. There are the medium town clubs and then the big city clubs.  

There is a success level well above the hand-to-mouth existence of touring medium-sized town comedy clubs. These are the comedians you see in national commercials and on "Funny or Die" videos. Very funny folks, but virtually nobody but other comedians know their name. Have you heard of Lang Parker? No, but you will.  Sarah Silverman was like that until she exploded on "The Larry Sanders Show."

Have you heard of Maria Bamford? Probably not, but she is wildly talented comedian and has a Target commercial. Amy Schumer was like that but has since busted out. But the comedians on her show are talented but not well-known. 

Look at Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings. Nothing to every single job and several TV shows between them. 

Virtually every comedian alive knows and respects Steve Agee. Bet you've never heard of him. 

When I was at the Comedy Store in La Jolla, there were a few local comedians I knew were going to make it and did. Bobby Lee and Claude Shires are two that come to mind. 

TV shows come and vanish propping up and then making invisible incredibly talented actors and comedians. "Happy Endings." "Perfect Couples." "The League." For every "New Girl" there are ten of these shows that pop up and disappear. 

We have all heard of Olivia Munn. And we should. Gorgeous, sexy, funny as hell. Talented. But have you heard of Christine Wood or David Walton? They were equally amazing on "Perfect Couples." 

"30 Rock" with the other-worldy talented Tina Fey came within a Lorne Michaels argument with NBC suits from being cancelled. Now it is syndicated. It is huge. The stars are rich. 

Hell, a great show filled with amazing talent almost bit the dust in "Parks and Recreation." 

It is amazing to me how a hugely gifted comedian can explode inside the comedy world, and the general public outside the entertainment world has no idea who they are. Tig Nitaro. Natasha Leggero. Louis C.K. was like that. Mark Maron is like that. Dennis Miller is and was like that. 

Then there is the mind-boggling success of Letterman, Leno, Tim Allen, Steve Martin, O'Brien, Cosby, Larry David, Seinfeld. 

Gives me somes of that right there . . . 

Monday, July 08, 2013

Look out everybody . . .

Do not over-think the chone-edge, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Congratulations to Andy Murray who became the first male Brit to win Wimbledon in 77-years; there was a controversy when Murray almost forgot to hug his mother. Or as that controversy is known in the NFL: he didn’t kill anybody.

A Texas man, Cirilo Castillo, has been arrested for the second time in three months for having sex with the same horse. People are really upset about this; when it comes to having sex with horses there are a lot of neigh-sayers.

Congratulations to Andy Murray who became the first Brit to win Wimbledon in 77-years; or as the Chicago Cubs call that: recently. 

Chicago Blackhawks coach, Joel Quenevelle, brought the Stanley Cup Trophy to a Chicago Cubs game; when they brought out the championship trophy, there was an awkward moment when the Cubs fans asked “What’s a championship trophy?”

Sadly, George Clooney and his girlfriend Stacy Kiebler have broken up; for those who are excited about this, log on to the website “Trust me, you have no”

A New Hampshire state representative is in trouble for sending an e-mail where he referred to women as Vaginas. You gotta admit, if there is anyone who knows about Vaginas, it’s a Douche Bag.

Since you asked:

The beach culture in San Diego is endlessly fascinating to me. Knew it was there when I windsurfed, but didn't really start to get it until I started Stand Up Paddle Board Surfing and my daughter went to a lifeguard camp in Solana Beach. 

The beach culture incorporates an entire societal sub-culture that combines sports, its own lingo, music, art, education and a surprising amount of mystical spiritualism and environmentalism.

The Gidget "Beach Blanket Bingo" movies were on the right track, but took a wrong turn at being super hammy/corny. Plus they confused Hawaiian aspects.  

Most surfers are pretty thoughtful and soulful. Yes, there is a 15% that are tatted-up and drugged-out stupid confrontational/territorial douche bags  (knocked one with full sleeves tats off his board - OK, I fell too - at La Jolla Shores on Sunday, when he saw how much bigger I was then he, he backed right down. Not as dumb as he looked) 

Because the beach culture virtually ignores wealth hierarchy - the 50-year-old cool guy lifeguard is far more respected than a guy who parades around in his yacht - it tends to draw a few too many alcoholics and drug addict losers mistakenly thinking being on the societal fringe allows them to fit in with the beach culture.

Although not judgmental about wealth, beach culture knows losers when they see one. 

When I lived near the beach on Lake Michigan, we loved the beach, we worshiped the beach, he spent all of our time at the beach. But, outside of a few lifeguards and sailing enthusiasts, there wasn't a beach culture. 

It continues to be a disappointment to me how hostile some surfers are to Stand Up Paddle boarders, but mostly I don't give a damn. Being on a stand up board allows me to travel freely away from those idiots. 

Like I said, 90% of beach folk and surfers are cool folks looking to have fun, pet some dogs,   throw some frisbees, grill some meat, drink some cocktails, make some jokes, dance, sing, catch some rides and make friends.