Janice Hough’s beauty right here
“People” magazine reports that busy parents are paying up to $60 an hour to have someone teach their kids to ride a bike. But if it works George and Barbara Bush say it’ll be worth it.
A survey in “Self” magazine reports that 40% of women fantasize when doing the laundry. And 60 % fantasize about having someone else do their laundry for them.
Heard something like this before
O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing satellite Direct TV. For his defense, Simpson denied stealing HBO saying; “I wouldn’t watch those ugly-ass shows.”
Adds up again
According to a U. of Michigan survey, 60% of all cell phone users have been irritated by rude public use of wireless phones; the other 40% couldn’t answer the survey because they were trying to avoid a driver distracted by a cell phone.
In Rome, they found a sculpture of the head of Emperor Constantine stuck in a sewer. At first when they saw the raw sewage covered head, they assumed it was Geraldo Rivera.
Shame on me
“Forbes” magazine reports that 1 in 5 men have humiliated themselves during phone sex. When asked to comment, the humiliated 1 in 5 say they will never call from a public pay phone again.
Cadillac has announced they are making bicycles. The bad news for Cadillac is that the bikes they made are so good they are being called the Rolls Royce of bicycles.
Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong said all he wants to do now is lie around the house and drink beer. Guys, now when your wife asks you what you are doing all weekend, you can say; “I’m going to work out like Lance Armstrong.”
Ricky don’t twist that number
Ricky Williams, who took a year off to smoke pot, is returning to the Miami Dolphins. Unlike Ricky, the expectations are not high.
Ricky Williams, who took a year off to smoke pot, is returning to the Miami Dolphins. Ricky said a year of smoking pot wasn’t as easy as you’d think. For example, it’s nearly impossible to find a job if you’re not an NBC bandleader.
“Forbes” magazine has named the best and worst places to live for single people. The best place for single women? Boulder Colorado. The worst place for single women? San Francisco’s annual “Wizard of Oz” convention.
Easy there, Mullah
In Washington DC, yesterday, a group of American Muslim scholars issued an edict condemning terrorism. Whoa, guys, are you sure you want to go out on a limb and say terrorism is bad? That’s quite a stand.
In Washington DC, yesterday, a group of American Muslim scholars issued an edict saying terrorism was wrong. Upon hearing this, Osama bin Laden said; “Oops, sorry, my bad.”
Since you asked:
Not that there would be anything wrong with it, but my TiVo thinks I’m gay.
No kidding, I had to record a few “Will & Grace” episodes on WGN just to make sure that if the Cubs game goes into extra innings, I don’t miss anything. That and I have recorded a few cooking shows, like “Emeril Live” and “Boy Meets Grill.” Now when I check my recorded “TiVo Suggestions”shows it has “Oprah” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” “Days of Our Lives” Barbra Streisand movies and decorating tips.
So to counteract that, I recorded a few bass fishing shows and a monster truck rally. Now my TiVo mistakenly thinks I’m, gay AND drunk, slow and not very well endowed. (Oh, we kid the red states)
Very nervous/excited about the big wedding tomorrow. Seriously, still not sure how, but I got invited go and play harmonica at the wedding of the year in San Diego of Shelly of 101.5 KGB’s “Dave, Shelly, and Chainsaw Show.”
KGB is the main radio station I write for – for fun as well as professionally - and through that connection, I invited myself to sit in with a band they all saw at a party and raved about, Inside Out. When I played harmonica with them at Dick’s Last Resort in the Gaslamp district, Shelly was watching them and considering them for her wedding.
The next day Shelly mentioned, on air, that I, Listener Lex as I am known on that show, had sat in and when Dave heard I played the harmonica, he went ballistic. It turns out Dave hates the harmonica. It turned into a running four day bit. Finally, at one point, mock frustrated at Dave, Shelly blurted out that she was going to book the band Inside Out and I would play harmonica merely to spite Dave.
Needless to say there has been much build up and hoopla over this wedding in general, as Shelly, as well as Dave and Chainsaw, is a hugely popular entertainment personality in San Diego, so I am a wee tad nervous. Many local muckitymucks to be in attendance.
But it will be lots of fun. And even if I do suck, it will be funny to joke about someday when the shattering humiliation and shame wears off about ten years from now.
The most amazing thing about “Young Frankenstein” is how, no matter how many times I’ve seen it, something new hits me as hilarious. This time it was Kenneth Mars nearly inaudible Police Inspector Wilhelm Friederich Kemp’s line about having a chat with Victor;
“Perhaps I vill go zee him und ve vill have a nice qviet little . . . shat.”
Did you know there is another word that makes horses rear up and neigh besides Bluecher? You got it: Hoobastank.