We keeping the deal real and surreal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Janice Hough’s beauty right here
“People” magazine reports that busy parents are paying up to $60 an hour to have someone teach their kids to ride a bike. But if it works George and Barbara Bush say it’ll be worth it.

Adds up
A survey in “Self” magazine reports that 40% of women fantasize when doing the laundry. And 60 % fantasize about having someone else do their laundry for them.

Heard something like this before
O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing satellite Direct TV. For his defense, Simpson denied stealing HBO saying; “I wouldn’t watch those ugly-ass shows.”

Adds up again
According to a U. of Michigan survey, 60% of all cell phone users have been irritated by rude public use of wireless phones; the other 40% couldn’t answer the survey because they were trying to avoid a driver distracted by a cell phone.

Easy mistake
In Rome, they found a sculpture of the head of Emperor Constantine stuck in a sewer. At first when they saw the raw sewage covered head, they assumed it was Geraldo Rivera.

Shame on me
“Forbes” magazine reports that 1 in 5 men have humiliated themselves during phone sex. When asked to comment, the humiliated 1 in 5 say they will never call from a public pay phone again.

Too bad
Cadillac has announced they are making bicycles. The bad news for Cadillac is that the bikes they made are so good they are being called the Rolls Royce of bicycles.

About time
Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong said all he wants to do now is lie around the house and drink beer. Guys, now when your wife asks you what you are doing all weekend, you can say; “I’m going to work out like Lance Armstrong.”

Ricky don’t twist that number
Ricky Williams, who took a year off to smoke pot, is returning to the Miami Dolphins. Unlike Ricky, the expectations are not high.

Ricky Williams, who took a year off to smoke pot, is returning to the Miami Dolphins. Ricky said a year of smoking pot wasn’t as easy as you’d think. For example, it’s nearly impossible to find a job if you’re not an NBC bandleader.


Not good
“Forbes” magazine has named the best and worst places to live for single people. The best place for single women? Boulder Colorado. The worst place for single women? San Francisco’s annual “Wizard of Oz” convention.

Easy there, Mullah
In Washington DC, yesterday, a group of American Muslim scholars issued an edict condemning terrorism. Whoa, guys, are you sure you want to go out on a limb and say terrorism is bad? That’s quite a stand.

In Washington DC, yesterday, a group of American Muslim scholars issued an edict saying terrorism was wrong. Upon hearing this, Osama bin Laden said; “Oops, sorry, my bad.”


Since you asked:
Not that there would be anything wrong with it, but my TiVo thinks I’m gay.

No kidding, I had to record a few “Will & Grace” episodes on WGN just to make sure that if the Cubs game goes into extra innings, I don’t miss anything. That and I have recorded a few cooking shows, like “Emeril Live” and “Boy Meets Grill.” Now when I check my recorded “TiVo Suggestions”shows it has “Oprah” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” “Days of Our Lives” Barbra Streisand movies and decorating tips.

So to counteract that, I recorded a few bass fishing shows and a monster truck rally. Now my TiVo mistakenly thinks I’m, gay AND drunk, slow and not very well endowed. (Oh, we kid the red states)

Very nervous/excited about the big wedding tomorrow. Seriously, still not sure how, but I got invited go and play harmonica at the wedding of the year in San Diego of Shelly of 101.5 KGB’s “Dave, Shelly, and Chainsaw Show.”

KGB is the main radio station I write for – for fun as well as professionally - and through that connection, I invited myself to sit in with a band they all saw at a party and raved about, Inside Out. When I played harmonica with them at Dick’s Last Resort in the Gaslamp district, Shelly was watching them and considering them for her wedding.

The next day Shelly mentioned, on air, that I, Listener Lex as I am known on that show, had sat in and when Dave heard I played the harmonica, he went ballistic. It turns out Dave hates the harmonica. It turned into a running four day bit. Finally, at one point, mock frustrated at Dave, Shelly blurted out that she was going to book the band Inside Out and I would play harmonica merely to spite Dave.

Needless to say there has been much build up and hoopla over this wedding in general, as Shelly, as well as Dave and Chainsaw, is a hugely popular entertainment personality in San Diego, so I am a wee tad nervous. Many local muckitymucks to be in attendance.

But it will be lots of fun. And even if I do suck, it will be funny to joke about someday when the shattering humiliation and shame wears off about ten years from now.

Y.F. Update
The most amazing thing about “Young Frankenstein” is how, no matter how many times I’ve seen it, something new hits me as hilarious. This time it was Kenneth Mars nearly inaudible Police Inspector Wilhelm Friederich Kemp’s line about having a chat with Victor;

“Perhaps I vill go zee him und ve vill have a nice qviet little . . . shat.”

Did you know there is another word that makes horses rear up and neigh besides Bluecher? You got it: Hoobastank.

It's official:

My new rock and rockin’ blues comedy-bit laced harmonica led band is Rapscallions and Reprobates, aka R&R.

We are warming up for, you got it, Hoobastank. Belly Up Tavern, Solana Beach, look out.


We gonna do right even by the rapscallions and reprobates up in this blizzy, my brizzy and sizzy Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Don’t ask me, ‘cause I got no idea)

Honey, why are you doing the laundry again?
A survey in “Self” magazine reports that 40% of women fantasize when doing the laundry. Kind of brings new meaning to the term: doing another load.

And that’s not even including the women who sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle.

The Juice is loose
O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing satellite TV. When asked to comment, O.J. said, “Man, that was a tough judge. Good thing I didn’t have him when I killed my wife.”

O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing satellite TV. The prosecution made a good case to nail O.J. “He is low to go from snow to free HBO.”

O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing satellite TV. What a country. You can lie about killing your wife but try and tap into “Da Ali Gi Show” for free and we’ll nail your ass.

O.J. Simpson was fined $25,000 for stealing satellite TV. Next their going to nail Robert Blake for failing to rewind his video rentals.

The times they are a changin’
In Colorado, a 40-year-old woman was arrested for throwing booze and drug parties for her teenage son’s friends and then sleeping with them. She said she wanted to be a cool Mom. When I grew up, a cool Mom was one that cut peanut butter sandwiches diagonally.

In Colorado, a 40-year-old woman was arrested for throwing booze and drug parties for her teenage son’s friends and then sleeping with them. She said she wanted to be a cool Mom. Times have changed; when I grew up, a cool Mom took us to Dairy Queen after Little League.

In Colorado, a 40-year-old woman was arrested for throwing parties for teenagers and then sleeping with them. What’s going on? Teenage boys sleep with teachers now they have a woman throwing sex parties. When I was a teenager, I was lucky if I got a prize in my Crackerjack.

Nice ring to it
The White House dropped the phrase War on Terror when polls showed no one thought we were winning it. To make it more popular, they gave it a new name: “Wedding Crashers.”


Not fair at all
“Wedding Crashers” portrays weddings as a great place for guys to pick up vulnerable women for one-night stands. That’s not really fair to portray single guys like that; weddings are also a place to swill free drinks and steal the silverware.


A Vote For Armstrong is a Vote that can’t go Wrong
Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong said he is considering running for office. Here is a legendary athlete who raised over $50 million for cancer and now he wants to be a politician? That’s like the Pope deciding to sell magazine subscriptions door-to-door.

Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong said he is considering running for office. That could work. Here is a guy who publicly thanked the French for being gracious hosts, so you know he knows how to lie.


Since you asked:
If you read this blog, and or you know anything about me, you know how much I hate to brag about my grilling prowess. But, oh my goodness, Slats and Nuggies . . .

All time burgers last nicht, all time.

While sipping a nice red and watching the Cubbies on the TiVo, I made the patties a tad smaller then usual, but still a good cover-the-bun size but a tad flatter, dusted with granulated garlic powder and fresh ground pepper and drizzled a little FCPEVOO (first cold press extra virgin olive oil)

Grilled them bad-boys on high with the lid off, then added Kosher salt, finished off lid down with the cheese while grill-marking the buns. Mayo, lettuce on the bottom bun, then the pattie. Next, mayo on the top bun, crispy bacon, sliced tomato, avocado slices, caramelized red onions, put top bun on with a slight smoosh to pack it all down, serve with baked beans and watermelon cubes and a frosty beer for you more unsavory types.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmmmmmmmm.

Mmm.

Diet root beer and vanilla ice cream float for D-sert.

Make you wanna go and slap Ronald McDonald is what it make you go wanna do.

Just noticed something:
In a slow, low-voiced western accent, say the words Rapscallions and Reprobates.

You should sound exactly like Kris Kristofferson when he narrated the Sam Peckinpah documentary.

Or not.

Rapscallions and reprobates all, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How….hot….is….it?
Man it’s been hot. I’m sweating like the accountant who had to tell Martha Stewart about her company’s quarterly losses.


Martha Stewart’s company posted quarterly losses of $33 million, that’s far worse than when Martha was in prison. It’s so bad today Martha rolled a drifter just to get sent back to the slammer.


Huh?
Jennifer Lopez has chosen a department store in Chicago to be the first U.S. store to sell her line of products. When asked why Chicago, the Bronx born J. Lo said “Chicago? I thought they said Chicano.”


Jennifer Lopez has chosen a department store in Chicago to be the first U.S. store to sell her line of products. When asked why Chicago, J. Lo said; “I like Chicago. Well, I mean, I’ve never actually been there, but when I fly over on my way from L.A. to Paris it looks neat.”


Long time
The Rolling Stones are coming out with a new album titled “A Bigger Bang.” A bigger bang refers to the theory of the beginning of the universe. And the Stones should know about the beginning of the universe, after all, they played at it.


The Rolling Stones are coming out with a new album titled “A Bigger Bang.” It’s named after what is going to happen to Keith Richard’s liver.

Something like that
The San Diego Padres have lost eight games in a row and still maintain a three game lead in the National League West. No matter how much the Padres blow it, make mistakes or do badly, they are still in the lead; it’s the same strategy as President Bush’s presidential campaigns.


Is he a mullah or something?
Things are getting a little crazy. Homeland Security has brought in the country band Alabama for questioning. “So who is this Arab guy al a Bama you’re named after?”

Either way
Yesterday was Barry Bonds 41st birthday. We still don't know if Bonds is going to come back and play for the San Francisco Giants or retire. Either way he is out of Major League Baseball.

Since you asked:
What do you think if I switch from Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers to Rapscallions and Reprobates? Let me know.

lexkase@san.rr.com

Went out with my wife's clients, John and Michelle, to Petco Park, aka, Bark Park, Fido Field, Bowser Ballpark, the Friendly Canines, Puppy Playfield, to watch the vile bloody birds beat up on the Pade-ers. The clients were a lot of fun. He was old school from New Jersey and he bought shots and we reminisced about dinner at El Molino in New York.

Had dinner right by the Friendly Canines at Lou and Mickey's, an old school steak and seafood place. Awesome. Bone in Filet Mignon. Mmm, mmm, mmm. And some tasty cocktail shrimp. Then more drinks at the game. A little fuzzy today, but not too bad.

The feeling down at Petco is genuinely cool. Great crowd, great bars, great park. And despite all efforts to the contrary, the Padres remain in first.

But the damn Cardinals won.

When it go, it go, when it slow, you know, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yeah, that should do it
What is Congress' solution for the energy crisis? To extend daylight savings time three weeks. So what’s their solution to peace in the Middle East? A longer happy hour?

So what are their plans to halt terrorism? Put the terrorists in a time out?

Hot, I say
Man it has been hot. I’m sweating like Jude Law asking for his engagement ring back.

Why the hurry?
A coalition of U.S. Muslim groups has announced they have launched an anti-terrorism campaign. Gosh guys, what’s the big hurry?

It’s sick
It was sort of embarrassing when Ricky Williams reported back to the Miami Dolphins. The team doctor wanted to know if Ricky was healthy or if he had chronic tendonitis; Ricky said, “No, but I got me some chronic ganja.”

Darker Harry
Have you read the new Harry Potter book? It’s darker and more serious. In this one Carl Rove leaks Harry’s identity to the press.


Have you read the new Harry Potter book? It’s darker and more serious. In this one Harry has an affair with Angelina Jolie and tattoos her name on his magic wand.

It’s about time
Lance Armstrong won his seventh straight Tour de France. You can tell Lance is letting off some steam; today he got drunk and gave the Aflac duck a beat-down.


Why do I feel like I am stealing this from Janice Hough?
San Diego Padres Phil Nevin refused a trade deciding he would rather sit on the bench and stay in San Diego than become a starter for the Orioles and move to Baltimore. It was either that or quit professional baseball altogether and become a Los Angeles Dodger.

Otherwise known as
Lance Armstrong won his seventh straight Tour de France and has retired; or as American sports fans now call the Tour de France: That thing we won’t watch next year.

Oh, we bringin’ it. We bringin it ‘till we swingin’ it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a relief
Man it has been hot. Good thing there isn’t such a thing as global warming or I’d be worried.

It is so hot, NBC executives are taking a plunge along with their ratings.


Nanny goat
The Nanny with whom Jude Law had the affair told Briton’s “The Sunday Mirror” that sex with Jude Law was “mind-blowing.” Upon hearing that, Bill Clinton said; “Mind-blowing sex? Personally, I prefer that sex be conducted on a lower level.”


Ewww
“Bad News Bears” opened this weekend. It features little kids talking dirty, or as Michael Jackson calls it, the feel good movie of the year.

Go to the source
Lance Armstrong won his seventh Tour de France. During one stage, John Kerry rode in Armstrong’s car during the race. Kerry was there to serve as a consultant in case Armstrong had to back peddle.

Good tip
Lance Armstrong won his seventh Tour de France. During one stage, John Kerry rode in Armstrong’s car during the race. He was very helpful, Kerry told Armstrong: “When you’re in a race, don’t say you voted for the war in Iraq before you voted against it.”

First time for everything
Kevin Federline and Britney Spears appear in a pictorial in “Interview” magazine. One picture features Kevin Federline working for Britney as a butler. In addition, that’s the first time that the words working and Kevin Federline have ever appeared together.

Or, something like that
In London, US 400 world record holder Jeremy Weirner was upset by Britain’s Tim Benjamin by just over a tenth of a second, 44.75 to 44.86., To illustrate, a tenth of a second is the same time it takes for your boss to walk into your office after you’ve just unknowingly opened the most disgusting e-mail porn ever sent by your sick friend.

Seems like it
Despite a seven-game road trip losing streak, the San Diego Padres are still in first place by 2 ½ games in the NL West. No matter how bad they do, no matter how much they screw up, the Padres keep their lead; it’s almost like they’re running against the democrats.

Going into labor
Two labor groups have split from the labor union AFL-CIO. It was awkward, upon hearing this, President Bush said; “Labor groups are important. When Laura had the twins, we went to that Lamaze labor group.”

Upon hearing that, Mr. Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, asked; “What’s labor?”

Must see or we’ll get canned TV
To help sagging ratings, NBC announced the Matt LaBlanc show “Joey” will get a makeover. Yeah, apparently in the upcoming shows they are going to try and make it funny.

To help sagging ratings, NBC announced the Matt LaBlanc show “Joey” will get a makeover. Yeah, that should work. That’s like grabbing a tea cup to bail out the Titanic.