Friday, March 19, 2004

Can I get a righteous AMEN one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

What a relief
*As a comedian, I am kind of glad St. Patrick's Day is over. Every drunk I saw had to tell me their favorite shallack the shillelagh joke.

Love is blind and crazy
*Last night in the wee hours Courtney Love was arrested at a club for hitting a fan with a mike stand. Looks like Whitney Houston's getting a roommate.

What has Courtney Love been doing, eating off Michael Jackson's plate? She is whacko.

After a dazed and bizarre court date, a demented, flashing "Letterman" appearance, 39-year-old Courtney Love was arrested in a club for hitting a fan with a mike stand. It's nice to see Courtney is growing into middle age so gracefully.

Must See O'TV
*Did you see the special St. Patrick's Day "Apprentice" Wednesday night? Donald Trump told a contestant; "You're O'Fired."

*Damian, why you do this to me?
Oscar winning actress Mercedes McCambridge, who also provided the voice of the demon-possessed girl in "The Exorcist," died. To her last day she claimed what she really said in "The Exorcist" was; "Your Mother cooks socks in hell." Yeah, she washed the whites, that's it.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

That guy is all mouth and trousers and a bit of a big girl's blouse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

They deserve a break today
*The long-bearded band ZZ Top was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was a nice break for them to be away from Camp X-Ray.

Not the same
*Happy St. Patrick's Day. It commemorates when St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, their legal system hasn't ever recovered.

St. Patty's health tip
*St. Patrick's Day is a scary day for a lot of guys. See, in a darkened bar, they don't realize they're drinking green beer. Later, when they get sick in a well-lit bathroom, they scream; "It's green. Call a doctor, I'm dying!"

Body check
*More cadavers were delivered to UCLA. The football team held Spring practice.

Don't o'miss it
*There is going to be a very special post St. Patrick's Day "Apprentice" tomorrow night. Donald Trump tells a contestant "You're O'Fired."

Freaky babe
*Courtney Love had a bizarre court appearance yesterday. I think Courtney was a little wasted. After court she tried to dance on top of an SUV but she kept falling off.

*Celebrity court behavior just gets better and better: Michael Jackson dancing on trucks, Robert Blake singing folksongs, Courtney Cox dazed and confused. I can hardly wait until record producer Phil Specter is in court. When it comes to acting nuts, he'll really take a shot at it.

There is no At at Athens
*With five months to go, it is not looking good for construction to be complete for the Olympics. How bad is it? The construction in Athens won't be finished before the construction on Cher.

(Get the rimshots ready)

How bad is it? They haven't even inflated the pool yet.

Runners might want to roll up and bring their own lane of track.

The swimmers could get road rash

Gymnatics will just be called Nastics. No gym.

Since you asked:
My Mother still had traces of her aristocratic Louisville Southern accent, but when I imitate her, I make her sound like the principal's secretary in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

". . . the sportos, geeks, sluts, motorheads, they all think Ferris is a righteous Dooooooooode."

During a Christmas trip home to Chicago from San Diego during my wildly independent single-guy years, I sat in my parents den one morning wearing my Cubs t-shirt and Bears boxers, while slurping and shoveling Cheerios in my face and scratching and rubbing my head while audibly moaning from the previous night's one-too-many welcome home drinks.

Just then, my cheery, sweet Mom burst in:

"Oh, now sweety, I wish you hadn't stayed out so late, we have a lot to do, yaknow. You want an egg?"

Looking down at my cereal and back to her I mumbled' "No thanks." Then Mom launched into the day's busy itinerary:

"Well, we're having lunch with the Reichelderfers and I promised the girls you'd play tennis with us . . . you sure you don't want an egg?"

"No thanks, nope, still no on the egg." I said a bit louder to make sure Mom heard.

"Well," Mom went on, "we're going to the Detmer's open house and then drinks with the Van Arsdales and we have Church . . . are you sure you don't want an egg?"

Suddenly channeling Gene Wilder's Victor Von Frankenstein telling the overly persistent Cloris Leachman's Frau Bluecher that he doesn't want a nightcap, I loudly grunted:

"NO . . THANK YOU . . . I DON'T . . . WANT . . . AN EGG!"

Mom then vanished into the kitchen and I felt bad I may have been too harsh, so I walked into the kitchen to rinse my bowl and there was Mom, happily humming frying away.

"So how do you want your egg, Sweety?" she asked.

"Over easy, thanks Mom. "

Moms, you gotta love 'em.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

We must be out our mizzy's, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon Dieu, p.u.
*Osama bin Laden narrowly escaped capture by French troops in Afghanistan.Could there be a more humiliating end for Osama than being captured by the French Army? Why not make the humiliation complete? After he's captured, by the French, give Osama a Queer makeover.

Why are the French trying to capture Osama, you ask? The guy has been living in caves and hasn't showered in a year; the French are the only ones who can stand to smell him.

Bada bing
*Some good news for Martha Stewart. While Martha's in the slammer, Tony Soprano will manage her crew.

Office pool
*The NCAA men's basketball tournament, or March Madness, begins on Thursday. You either get March madness or you don't. I told my doctor; "I got Gonzaga in the semis" and he gave me a shot of penicillin.

The midget formerly known as a symbol
*Prince was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Apparently they've lifted their; "You must be this tall to get into the Hall" restriction.

*Whitney Houston has checked into drug rehab. What a shocker, who could have seen this one coming?

You know who I feel sorry for? The person who has to follow Whitney in group meetings. That is one tough act to top. Don't even try.

She even looked older than Whitney
In North Carolina a 96-year-old woman is in trouble for being caught with cocaine. You can tell she's been doing coke, she looks like she's 98.

Monday, March 15, 2004

Don’t be playa hatin’ all up in here, or your playa hater drawers what gonna get played, you follow Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? (No? Neither do I, really.)

Mon Dieu, we missed you
*Osama bin Laden narrowly escaped capture by French troops in Afghanistan, according to the head of France's armed forces. The problem is that, as soon as one French soldier yells to Osama “Surrender,” the rest of the French army drops their weapons and raises their hands.

How much power does the head of France’s armed forces really have? That’s like being the head of PETA in Korea.

The other problem is there is no French word for surrender unless it’s followed I.

Could there be a more humiliating end for Osama than being captured by the French Army? That’s like Mike Tyson losing a fight to Gary Coleman.

Martha Vader
*Martha Stewart resigned from her company Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc. It was very dramatic. Martha bowed and then handed over her light saber, then climbed into her Imperial Star fighter and flew away from the Death Star.