Poor Anna, and now we mean it . . .
Can you believe all this rain in Southern California? It’s been really hard on Anna Nicole Smith. Everyone is so pruny she can’t tell which billionaires are wrinkled because they’re old.
Survey says . . .
A survey reveals 43% get tired enough to want to take a nap at work. The other 57% are too excited to sleep because they’re looking at porn.
Kobe Bryant’s #8 Lakers jersey has plummeted from the number one selling jersey down to the 90th. Part of the problem is that if you wear a Kobe Bryant jersey, you can’t get anyone to drop off room service to your hotel room.
I’m not surprised the Kobe Bryant jersey isn’t selling. You just try and get a date wearing a Kobe jersey. It’s like asking a girl out while wearing a Scott Peterson mask.
A viewer is suing NBC for $2.5 million because he claims the rat-eating scene in an episode of “Fear Factor” made him throw up. In a counter-suit, NBC is suing this viewer for being too stupid to change the channel.
If this case stands up, ABC is in big trouble. Ashlee Simpson’s singing at the Orange Bowl halftime made millions of viewers ill.
Speaking of noise
The movie “White Noise” opens this weekend. “White Noise” is about electronic paranormal experiences. “White Noise” is not about Ashlee Simpson’s Orange Bowl halftime performance.
Do the math, not the teacher
A teacher in Orange County has been charged with sleeping with two of her 13-year-old students. My guess is she was a math teacher. She was trying to show them how many times two times 13 goes into 30.
They’ve now made a snowboarding helmet with a phone inside of it. Heaven forbid if there isn’t a communication device handy to instantly transmit when a stoner wants to say the word Dude.
An article in the Wall Street Journal said there is a growing trend of young mothers are sharing breast milk because milk banks are too expensive. Which leads guys to wonder, why can’t sperm banks be too expensive?
Lindsay Lohan said she is a late bloomer and didn’t get breasts until she was 17. That’s no big deal, Bill Gates didn’t get any breasts until he was a 35-year-old billionaire.
Val Kilmer told SkyNews.com that he intentionally flubbed his lines during his “Alexander” sex scenes with Angelina Jolie so they would have to do them over. Today, the high I.Q. club Mensa announced that Val Kilmer is now officially the smartest man in the world.
President Bush announced he wants to cut down on frivolous lawsuits. Upon hearing this, a lawyer was so upset, he spilled his coffee in his lap and is suing Starbucks for $50 million.
We kid the train crash
There was a bad train crash in Italy. Apparently Amtrak is outsourcing to Europe.
Since you asked, the soggy version:
The forecast for the Chargers/New York Jets game in San Diego is for cold rain. Chargers fans are not clear on this concept. Charger ticket-holders keep calling Qualcom stadium asking when the game is going to be postponed. When informed it isn’t postponed and they have to sit in the rain, they say; “Heh, heh. No, seriously, Dude, quit joking around, when are they going to re-schedule it?”
We Southern Californians can take earthquakes, dust storms and even fire storms, but toss a little rain our way and the entire population acts like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey shoveling cow manure on “The Simple Life.” “Like, ewww. I’m all, like, so sure, it’s like yuck. Nasty. This is so ghetto.”
I've said it before, I'll say it again. We San Diegans, as well as the city of San Diego itself, just look goofy in rain. It's like a guy in a bow tie and straw hat eating a banana on a train. You don't know why, it just looks stupid.
It has been raining like crazy in Southern California. Here is my question: when it’s beautiful and warm, you see nothing but gorgeous women running around. When it rains, you don’t see any. Where do they go? Is there like a cavernous hot babe bad weather shelter they hide in?
Kasey and Wrigley, our resident Labradors, do not like the rain. For dogs bred to haul in icy winter Canadian fishing nets, they sure do whine when they get a little wet. (As a Lab lover pointed out to me when I mentioned this: "When was the last time you killed and cooked a Saber Tooth tiger?") OK, good point, but they do whine an awful lot. Especially Wrigley. His default expression is that of a very confused hound dog. Well, that confusion goes way up when it rains. And the rain causes Kasey's worried bear expression to furrow her brow even more.
Here’s another question: where in the instinctual evolutionary process did it become mandatory for dogs to get as close to you as possible before they shake off all the rain from their fur? Is that really part of the breeding?
Granted, given the tragedy of recent events, it is more than a little unseemly to whine about a lot of rain, but, still, enough is enough.