The Rolling Stones- Happy

"Paging Miss Arighty, Miss Crankin' Arighty."

Oh my god. Olympic swimming, are you kidding me? I think I just saw a heat where everyone advanced. Including a guy who scratched and didn't swim. 

Not positive about this, but I think I just advanced in a swimming heat.

Here are some signs China's Ye Shiwen is using performance enhancing drugs:

She is only a 16-year-old girl, but she is swimming the final 50 meters faster than men's gold medalist Ryan Lochte.

On one lap she tried to stop, but broke the pool wall with her head.

And I think the most sure sign that Ye Shiwen is using performance enhancing drugs is that she is using her penis as a rudder.

We interrupt this blog to inform you that exploding noise you heard was your buddy, Lex's, head upon looking at this picture. We  now return to your regularly scheduled blog. 

We gonna up and get funkier than a funky thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Details are emerging from the lavish wedding of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un's wedding. Guests had a choice of three entrees: salmon, chicken or Labrador.  

How did they come up with that awesome name of the beach volleyball venue, Horse Guards Parade? Did they just throw three cool words together? Like Puppy Afternoon Nap? Summer Cocktail Party? All-You-Can-Eat Buffet? Post Surfing Massage? Beach Barbeque Party?

This just in: four women's doubles badminton teams were ejected from the Olympics for intentionally losing. That is the most shocking thing I've ever heard. Badminton is an Olympic sport? What the hell?

"Kicked out for losing? They can do that? Oh, intentionally losing. In that case we're OK." Said the New York Mets. 

As a result of the badminton teams cheating, a suspicious cloud now appears over the other backyard-party-inspired sports like horseshoes, water balloon-tossing and the potato sack races. 

Horse Guards Parade. Great name. Beautiful vista. Rocking tunes. Hot babe dancers. Booze flowing. World class incredibly fit athletes competing at a shockingly great level. Seriously, how did we live without this? Throw in a phalanx of Weber grills with bone in rib-eyes sizzling and I can sell my clothes and go to heaven.  

This just in: Congratulations to Michael Phelps on being the most decorated Olympian; and Greg Louganis is the Olympian best at decorating.

Great teams deserve great (or so-so) nicknames. So let us review the nicknames for the awesome US women’s Olympic soccer team. Why? Because I said so. (Apologies to Chris “Don’t want to be your beast of” Berman)


Hope “In her” Solo

Heather “Catcher’s” Mitt

Christie “The Pony” Rampone

Kelley “Scarlett” O’Hara

Amy “2 French” LePeilbet

Rachel “The Buehldozer” or "Dozer" Buehler

Shannon “The Boxer” Boxx

Heather “Baba” OReilly

Carli “Simon” Lloyd

Lauren “Werewolf” Cheney

Megan “The Pasta” or “Firecracker” Rapinoe

Tobin Heath “Bar”

Amy “Whatchyou  wanna do?” Rodriguiz

Sydney “Thwatski” Leroux

Alex “Kiss me in the” Morgan “Stanley.”

And, finally, Abby “Normal” Wambach.  

And because she is so awesome, the popular announcer, Brandi "Paging Miss Wood, Miss Holly Wood" Chastain. And Julie "Loud-y" Foudy. 

Like to add an item to The Most Useless Things in Sports.

Besides uniforms on baseball managers and a quarterback after he has handed off the ball. The numbers on beach volleyball players. It is just two dudes. And what if they retire Karch Kiraly's #1? Then they would both have to be 2. Or 2 and 3. How would you like to be the number three guy in a two-man sport?

McDonalds is the official restaurant of the Olympics. That must mean Jack Daniels is the official beverage of the Betty Ford Center.

As a big fan of both soccer players, Hope Solo and Brandi Chastain, I think they should stop their squabble. Right after the next game, I think Brandi should march right into the girl's locker, go into that steamy shower and Brandi should kiss and make up with Hope. And if Hope's towel falls off, well, that happens, but, um, eh, whew . . . What were we talking about? 

Congratulations to the Italian women's soccer team on defeating Japan. In addition, the Italian women's soccer team set a new world record for self-congratulations with not one, but two team hugs after a point. And it was after a point they lost. 

 Love "Master Chef" but why does that bald, skinny, short little weasel, Joe Bastianich, think he such a bad ass? Gordon Ramsey is probably a real bad ass. What we need is some tough guy contestant to bitch slap that smug look off of Bastianich's face. Not sure whether he would cry or wet his pants first. 

Sweden's Women's Olympic Soccer Team. Um, is it just me or . . . ? Never mind.

This right here just trouble waiting to happen. Awful cute, though.

"After a steak barbecue, they are cooking three kinds of eggs on the stress challenge on "Master Chef"? This is my dream show," said a guy who should seriously wonder about his sexuality. 

North Korean women's Olympic soccer team. Um, is it just me or  . . . ?  Never mind.

Good game, US beat North Korea. But North Korea played well. I particularly liked it when North Korea's Kim stole the ball on defense, passed it wide to Kim who dribbled up the right, passed it to a slashing Kim who then crossed it to Kim for a close header. 

Wha' happen'?