Thursday, January 20, 2011

So how old is your sport? I win.

We frontin’ on the stuntin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Regis Philbin is retiring from “Live with Regis and Kelly.” In honor of Regis we should all share a respectful moment of loud mindless chatter.

There is a lot of controversy over the Natalie Portman solo sex scene in “Black Swan.” Oh sure, a beautiful actress does it and it is called performing a solo sex scene; some guy does it and he gets banned from Victoria Secret for the rest of my life.

A study says ESP is real. This just in: the study that says ESP is real knew beforehand it was real.

A study concluded that Minneapolis is the gayest city. To which the entire city of San Francisco replied; “As if, cold-assed bitches.”

The New York Jets beat New England Patriots. Remember near the end of the game? The Jets players snuck up on coach Rex Ryan and dumped a whole barrel of Desenex foot powder on him.

A study concluded that Minneapolis is the gayest city. To which the entire city of San Francisco replied; “Sheyeah right, like farm boys wearing L.L. Bean is gay, please.”

It has been a year since Tiger Woods underwent sex addiction therapy. Not sure it took, though. Today Tiger replaced his caddy, Steve Williams, with a Kardashian.

A man was arrested for masturbating in a Chicago Starbucks. But after seeing Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” the man wants the charges changed from public masturbation to performing a solo sex scene.

They opened the first Gay History museum in San Francisco. I particularly like the exhibit where they show old episodes of “The Sonny and Cher Show” and the guys insult the costume changes.

Since you asked:

It’s official, I declare a Perrier on the rocks with a squeeze of lime a zesty, tart and refreshing beverage. Way to go, Pierre, way to go.

Oh my word, I outdid myself on the Weber with mesquite charcoal.

Marinated three nice, fresh pieces of Mahi-mahi in white wine, squeeze of lemon and garlic powder and Old Bay for one hour.

Sweated down diced onions and garlic, poured in the white wine marinade, added more white wine and chicken broth and cooked it down. Rice and chicken broth in the rice cooker, threw in tiny asparagus along with capers into the white wine sauce when I put the fish on the grill - after dusting them with fresh ground pepper, garlic powder and Old Bay - grilled for six minutes a side mostly on direct heat.

Plated it by pouring the sauce over the rice and the fish with the asparagus and finished it off with a “bam” of diced Italian parsley. Pretty damn tasty and healthy.

So what do I think about the possible Lance Armstrong indictment by a grand jury?

If the guy did it, he should fry. Yes, he is a hero, yes he came back from almost certain death to win seven times, yes he has raised a fortune for cancer.

But if the guy cheated he should fry. There is a lot of chatter like "everyone else was doing it' and "even playing field.' Using steroids or any other performance enhancing drug is cheating at a base level. Steroids change everything from how you train to how you recover to how you become more aggressive.

In poker it is fine to lie. It's called bluffing. And it is respected if done well. But hiding an ace is cheating. People need to know that what Lance did, if he used drugs, was stealing an ace, not bluffing. Does it make it not cheating if everyone else at the poker game was hiding cards? That doesn't make it better, it makes it worse. The entire integrity of the game is shot and cheaters need to be caught and punished.

Even iconic legend fund raising cheaters.

Now that the Lance story has popped up in "Sports Illustrated" my main man, Clay Tres, Clay Matthews the Trice, has been declared guilty by suspicion in a blog of putting on 90 lbs of muscle since his Junior year in high school and by association with suspended steroid cheater and his former teammate and good friend, Brian Cushing.

Not fair.

Yes, 90 pounds is a lot of muscle to pack on. But, as a Junior in high school, the Trice was only 5-10 and 160. That is skinny. Unlike his dad who came out of the womb looking like an NFL All Pro, the Trice was a serious late bloomer. When he finally grew an addition five inches his senior year in high school through his Junior year in college, he was 6ft, 3 inches. He would be a damn skinny NFL linebacker at 6.3, 225. So that is 65 pounds of muscle you can easily assign to eating right, growing and lifting weights.

So is it possible to put on 25 additional pounds of muscle? Lifting weights hard every day for seven years? I would hope so. That's under four pounds of muscle a year. And I doubt if the Thrice is actually 6.3, 250. NFL players are notorious about lying one way or the other about their weight.

So, Clay Tres, the Thrice, Triple-the-Clay-for-the-pay, gets a pass. In my book, anyway.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

This right here was the scene of the crime this weekend

Tonight’s episode: The Knight of the Pail Bare, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Martha Stewart needed nine stitches after one of her dog’s head hit her in the lip. It is the dog equivalent of putting a bomb in a briefcase next to Hitler.

A study says ESP is real. See, I knew they would say that.

A study shows children who were spanked a lot grow up to have shorter attention spans including attention deficit dis, oh my word, look at that, that guy has a blue shirt.

The feel good story about Ted Williams, the homeless man with the golden voice, is unraveling faster than a Paris Hilton hair weave. First Williams was detained by police, now he is entering rehab. All that is left for the celebrity grand slam is to release a fragrance and nail a Kardashian.

The worst part of the Boston snowstorm? Listening to weatherman trying to come up with clever nicknames like snowmageddon. Here’s my suggestion, you want to give a nickname to something that is three feet high and really annoying? How about a Snow-Snooki?

A South Carolina man had a run-in with the police because he had a snowman complete with pink-dyed male genitals so he had to remove it or get arrested. It’s illegal to have male genitals on a snowman, it’s listed in the penal code.

Sarah Palin said she regrets if she offended people with her blood libel comment, but she isn’t ready to fully refudiate the statement.

A study says ESP is real. I believe it, last week I predicted Sarah Palin would say something controversial in the future.

The first Gay History museum has opened in San Francisco. They even have a gay carnival ride with a sign that says “You must be at least this fierce to enjoy this ride.”

There is a new scale available that will update your weight results on twitter. It’s called: The Scale Nobody Will Buy.

The Green Bay Packers are led by linebacker, Clay Matthews III, his dad, Clay Jr., was All Pro, his uncle, Bruce, is in the Hall of Fame and his younger brother, Casey, at Oregon, may be the best of them all. In a related story, the Carolina Panthers just legally changed all of their player’s names to Matthews.

The NOAA reports 2010 tied for the warmest year ever. To which the people of the Northeast said; “Bite me, NOAA.”

Since you asked:
Great time in Las Vegas. Saturday, worked out, got an old school haircut - hot face towel, straight edge razor shave - worked out, watched Ravens-Steelers, daughter’s team kicked butt in soccer tournament, steak sandwich and then won $200 bucks at the black jack table.

In the words of the legendary Max Von Stockenstiem: That did not suck.

Sunday kind of more of the same except lost $100 on those dog-ass Jets and the girls had a lousy game.