Friday, February 13, 2004

We right for the weekend all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s strange
Michael Jackson is for same sex marriage. Which is odd because Michael isn’t even the same sex he used to be.

You lose you win, you win you win, you can’t lose
*55-year-old George Foreman said he might make a boxing comeback. He can’t lose. Anyone who tries to hit Foreman can be charged with elder abuse.

That was quick
*The Drudge Report claims a scandal is about to break exposing an affair John Kerry had with an intern. In a blink of an eye, Kerry has gone from a poor man’s Kennedy to a poor man’s Clinton.

To a lot of guys, it’s not the fact that John Kerry cheated on his first wife that bothers them, it’s the fact that he cheated on his first wife’s $300 million. What is he, nuts?

Settle down, you fierce person
*The first gay marriage license was issued in San Francisco. Opponents of gay marriage are up in arms. They should just relax and think of it as the institution of marriage getting a queer makeover.

Double dog?
Guess who made the Men’s Journal’s “The 25 Toughest Guys in America” list? Hillary Clinton. She was 25th. Any guy who doesn’t think Hillary deserves to be on the list? Go ahead and tell her. We double dog dare you.
Now you step off wit' your good foot, now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It's about time
*An article from the Newhouse News Service claims men can now cry in public and it's no longer considered a sign of weakness. Finally, some good news for the Howard Dean campaign.

Like a hole in the head
*More Janet Jackson fallout: In Congress, angry lawmakers vowed to control the trend of raunchy television and radio. That's just what we need, all of our entertainment choices controlled by the same geniuses that came up with the term Freedom Fries.

It sure is
*There is actually a congressional panel discussing the Janet Jackson stunt. Good thing they aren't making a federal case out of this.

Good luck
*A hearing of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee heard calls for action for the showing of Justin Timberlake ripping off Jackson's bodice at the Super Bowl. Today they have ordered a task force to search for nipple shields of mass destruction.

Nice image, thank you
*55-year-old George Foreman said he might make a boxing comeback. That will be fun. When George takes off his robe there will be more fat dripping down than a George Foreman grill.

Isn't that sweet
*According to the latest issue of "W" magazine, Ashton Kutcher is now moving in with Demi Moore. Or as Ashton calls it: a sleepover.

But they can still be friends
*According to the "New York Post", Paris Hilton has broken up with Nick Carter. She wants to start seeing other area codes.

Paris said she wants to start seeing other video sex partners.

Give somebody else a chance in there
*The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. If you' re looking for your teenage son, he's probably in the bathroom.

*A surfer in Australia got bit by a shark and the shark clamped on his leg and wouldn't let go, so he drove to a bar, with the shark, to get help. When he walked in, the bartender said, "What the hell is that?" And the shark said; "Oh, he's my newest law client."

What the heck?
General Wesley Clark's military buddies were mad that he quit. They said; "What do you think this campaign is, the National Guard and you?re George W. Bush? Get back in there."

See? It works
Tuesday a medical report said the diet guru Dr. Atkins was obese weighing 255 lbs at the time of his death. Now the Atkins company said he only weighed 195 lbs. Wow, that diet really works, the guy lost sixty pounds in just a few days.

Since you asked:
Slats and Nugs, we here in San Diego are awfully lucky. Every night I fall asleep to the sounds of waves softly breaking on the shore. But then, when I wake up, I have to turn off my Radio Shack sleep sounds machine. It’s a powerful feeling to turn off an ocean, I can tell you. By the way, speaking of my snooze sounds player, who chooses the rain sound function? I would be peeing all night. And a train sound? Is this for people who miss living near the factory and coal mine?

The ocean sound player is all part of my decision to embrace my California inner kook. The transcendental meditation I took back in high school? I am doing it again off and on. I plan on taking a yoga class . . . sometime. In the morning, I think it feels good to stick my face in cold water. My breakfast? A Jamba fruit and yogurt smoothie, and yes, an occasional wheat grass shot. And you know how wearing socks with sandals feels good but it looks really goofy? Nope, sorry, can’t go that far. I refuse to be that guy. Don’t be that guy, Slats and Nugs.

If you wear socks and sandals, the next thing you know, you’ll be standing in line at Starbucks in your skin tight bike shorts bitching at the coffee jockey for not putting enough foam on your double-douche- bag mocha cappuccino snotty latte.

Seeing a grown man in socks and sandals - especially Birkinstocks - hurtles my personality back to suburban Chicago in the Seventies: “What dah heck are you, some kinna’ whaaaaaaahhhcko or sometin'? Put on some shoes and go eat some sawwwwwsedge, and shuuuut up.”

So much for my California kook.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

When it comes to my writing ability, I’m all, like, you know, whatever, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

She just doesn’t learn
*A medical study revealed that protein diet-guru Dr. Atkins was obese with heart disease when he died. Mysteriously, on the same day this report came out, Martha Stewart suddenly sold her shares of Slim Jim and bought stock in Krispy Kreme donuts.

At the Martha Sewart trial in New York, Martha’s personal assistant broke down in sobs while testifying. An angry Martha stood up and screamed at the prosecutor; “Hey, I’m the one who makes her sob, get your own gig.”

Double standard
*The Westminster Dog Show was last night. The USA Network announcer introduced a dog in the sporting group as “A yellow Labrador bitch.” Oh sure, a male dog competes and he’s considered ambitious, when it’s a female, she’s a bitch.

Makes sense
*Mike Tyson, who has earned over $200 million in his career, is reportedly down to his last $5,000. Today, Tyson received a bill from Don King for $4,999.

At this point in his career, Tyson will be left little choice but to schedule an exhibition and have Justin Timberlake tear off his bustier cup.

Enough is enough
*The US soccer team was eliminated from competing in the Olympics by losing to Mexico 4-0. The final insult to the US was when Mexico scored their last goal, the Mexican scorer pulled off his jersey to reveal a sports bra and then he ripped off the right cup.

*President Bush is accused of shirking his military service. And here I didn’t even know that Bush was part French. Jeorge LeBushe?

That gay, huh? Not that there is a thing wrong with that . . .
*Have you seen the new Bounty towel guy? I don’t want to say he is too effeminate, but if he were any gayer, Liza Minelli would marry him.

Just imagine
*In Arizona, Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for drunk driving. Glen Cambell, Wynona Judd, Nick Nolte have all been arrested recently for drunk driving. And these are the celebrities who still drive. Can you imagine how drunk are the celebrities in the Limos?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a rip-off
The Tennessee woman dropped her class-action lawsuit against Janet Jackson. Actually, she didn’t really drop the lawsuit, Justin Timberlake ripped it off.

Not again
Today in New York there was an embarrassing moment at the Westminster dog show: A French Poodle had her collar torn off, but the trainer said it was an unintentional wardrobe malfunction.

Heh, heh, he said Peter
*Former President Clinton won a Grammy. He won the award for his readings of the classic "Peter and The Wolf.” In terms of his performance, Clinton was spot on with his Peter.

Life imitates art . . . sort of
*Britney Spears is still seeing her two-day husband. Remember the guy she married for two days and then divorced? This is sort of the drunken version of “50 First Dates.” Britney keeps blacking out and meeting the guy over and over again.

Iron Pike
*Mike Tyson, who has earned over $200 million in his career, is reportedly down to his last $5,000. $5000 is about how much it costs Tyson to feed his tigers an ear.

How can you blow $200 million? Even democrats are impressed with that kind of spending.

How do you blow $200 million? Who is Tyson’s financial advisor, Howard Dean?

Not there
*NASA scientists using the rover have looked and looked and they report that there are no signs of life. But enough about the Howard Dean campaign, there isn’t life on Mars either.

It’s a visual thing
*Dennis Kucinich is still bringing up the rear in the campaign. I hate to say it, but Kucinich just doesn’t look very presidential. Kucinich makes Dukakis in the tank look like Washington crossing the Delaware.

At this point, Gen. Wesley Clark’s sweater has a better chance than Kucinich.

Buy, sell
*Dr Robert Atkins, creator of the famous low-carbohydrate diet, was clinically obese at the time of his death, according to medical reports. In a related story, the stock share price for Krispy Kreme donuts has skyrocketed.

A long time ago, the big running guru, Jim Fixx, died of a heart attack. Now protein diet guru Dr. Atkins was clinically obese when he died. But who’s alive, lean and fit? Keith Richards. How long until they come out with the Rock Star fitness program?

Personal Trainer: “Come on, chug that Jack Daniels, smoke that Marlboro.”

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Oh no we dih’ ‘nt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ding dong
Did you see Justin Timberlake in that rumpled suit? He looked like he was going to leave the Grammys to go sell door-to-door magazine subscriptions. “Hi, I’m Justin and I’m trying to earn a scholarship . . .”

A little different
Beyonce took home five Grammys. And for his 35th birthday, Bobby Brown took home five grams.

What are the odds?
The Iraqi Governing Council's top diplomat criticized the U.S. occupation authority for passing over Iraqi companies in favor of giving reconstruction contracts to foreign firms. Can you imagine that? An Iraqi official criticizing the U.S.? Gosh, I hope President Bush sleeps tonight.

What a shocker
Senator John Kerry campaigned in West Virginia. Did you know that Kerry is married to a Heinz heiress? Yeah, West Virginians were shocked. They said; “Your sister is a Heinz heiress?”

Talking tough
Did you hear Justin Timberlake’s apology? Don’t you just love it when skinny little white performers talk tough using street talk? Timberlake is not tough. Janet Jackson’s bustier had to be rigged to come off easily or it would have kicked Timberlake’s skinny ass.

*After watching the Grammys last night, I have a request. Can we make it illegal for weasely white performers to sing or talk using urban street talk? “Yo, yo, yo, check it, I’m from Brentwood, the ‘hood of the wood, yeah. I want to give a shout out to my Starbucks Homies.”

It suddenly hit him
*Stanford alum Tiger Woods was at the Stanford/Arizona basketball game with his Swedish swimsuit model fiancée, Erin Nordegren. Tiger went nuts celebrating at the end of the game. Not because Stanford won, Tiger suddenly remembered that he gets to go home with a Swedish swimsuit model.

*Sunday the Lakers barely beat the last place Orlando Magic. With Shaquille O’Neal’s continued poor free-throw shooting and lackluster defense, the L.A. Lakers now have Karl Malone, the mailman, and Shaq, the Mail-it-in-Man.

Kerry it home
*John Kerry accused the Bush administration is being “out of touch with mainstream America.” Like the rest of us, Kerry knows the difficulty of attending exclusive private schools, Yale and then marrying a Heinz fortune heiress. You know, the common touch.

John Kerry has the same initials as JFK and has idolized and emulated Kennedy including graduating from an Ivy League school, serving in the Navy and getting elected to the Senate. And yet Kerry doesn’t quite bring Kennedy to mind. Kerry is more like a grainy photocopy of JFK. Kerry is sort of a JFK light.