As I had just seriously tweaked my elbow and was done snowboarding for the day at Grand Targhee, Wyoming, I decided to check out a slalom race they had set up on the closest hill to the village. When I got to the plastic orange fencing on the side where the other spectators were standing, I saw that it was a children’s race.
These children –from about age four to seven-years-old - were fearlessly hurtling themselves down the course but still managing to barely make every gate. Then I saw the cutest little girl, about five-years-old, with long, blonde hair, just like my daughter, Ann Caroline. She was making her way through the gates a tad cautiously and slower than the others, but to much greater and more enthusiastic applause from the fans. Why? Her blind-skier guide had to yell out to her when to make her turns.
Bless her brave little heart, is all.
Oh, snap, it is on. It is on like an on thing that is really on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
That’s not right
“Newsweek” put Martha Stewart’s face on a thinner model’s body? That’s not right. You can’t put your fat face on a thin model’s body unless you’re Donald Trump.
Jurors saw a police videotape of Michael Jackson’s bedroom, or as child psychiatrists call it: the
Chamber of Horrors.
In a police videotape, jurors saw that Michael Jackson’s bedroom is full of toys, mannequins, dolls, puppets as well as a Square Bob Sponge Pants figure. Well, I guess this settles it. Square Bob Sponge Pants is gay.
In a police videotape, jurors saw that Michael Jackson’s bedroom is full of mannequins and dolls, including a Square Bob Sponge Pants figure. That’s not the worst part. They found Michael’s DNA in Sponge Bob’s Square Pants.
Sing it, Elton, who is back?
I am really looking forward to seeing what Martha Stewart learned in prison. “No time to make a pie from scratch? Then give your bitch a beat-down and make her do it.”
“A shiv is great for aerating the soil in your herb garden.”
“How to choose the proper cocktail dress to compliment your new prison tattoos.”
“How to make wonderful hors d’oeuvres out of magic meat and chipped beef on toast.”
Martha Stewart will serve the rest of her sentence at her $40 million dollar 153 acre luxury estate. Upon which, the Martha Stewart estate servants asked; “What the hell did we do wrong?”
Martha Stewart will serve the rest of her sentence at her $40 million dollar 153 acre luxury estate. Is that fair? The only people who are really being punished by that sentence are Martha’s servants.
How do I get to conduct these kind of studies?
A study in the New England Journal of Medicine reports that, for men, staring at a women’s breasts for ten minutes is equal to working out at the gym for 30 minutes. How much would it suck to be picked for this study and end up being chosen to do the 30 minute work out part?
So that means if I do ten minutes at the gym on the treadmill while staring at the women’s breast next to me, that’s a forty minute workout. And a six month jail sentence.
A study in the New England Journal of Medicine reports that, for men, staring at a women’s breasts for ten minutes is equal to working out at the gym for 30 minutes. Another study revealed that guys who do studies prefer to do a study on staring at women’s breasts than anything else.
A damper on the big guy
Because Jay Leno might have to testify at the Michael Jackson trial, he might be under a gag order. Jay hasn’t had a gag order affect his jokes since, well, Monica Lewinski.
Such a deal . . .
The court said that, while under house arrest, Martha Stewart can leave home for up to 48 hours a week to shop or run other approved errands. She can leave home for 48 hours a week? That’s a sweeter deal than most of us married guys have. How do I get that?
Hate to see that
In California, a man was savagely attacked in the face by two angry escaped chimps. It appears Bubbles is really taking the Michael Jackson trial worse than we thought.
The Cos celeb
In responding to accusations of sexual harassment, Bill Cosby said he is sorry for any pain he caused his wife. Pain he caused his wife? When is he going to apologize for the pain he caused all of us with his ugly-assed sweaters?
Two examples of comedy collaboration with most of the credit going to Janice Hough:
A British court just ruled in favor of a 16 year old Muslim girl who wanted to attend school in traditional Burka that completely covered her from head-to-toe in black cloth. The court also requested that Camilla Parker Bowles do the same.
There was an awkward moment when Martha Stewart returned home; Martha caught her housekeeping staff blasting Martha’s boom box to Elton John’s “The Bitch is Back.”
Back to my shoddy solo stuff
There are going to be a lot of adjustments for Camilla Parker Bowles after she marries Prince Charles. For example, she’ll have to give up her job as Janet Reno’s body double.
Back to Martha “Good thing” Stewart
According to reports, Martha Stewart was well liked by the prison population. Prisoners said it was amazing how quickly Martha could decorate and clean a cell with just some flowers, candles, a mop and a shiv to her bitch’s neck.
And finally. Hey, stop that cheering. I mean it.
You have to admit, the nightly news will seem strange without Dan Rather. In Dan’s terms, CBS News will look plumb goofier than a straw-hat and bow-tie wearing circus geek eatin’ a banana on a train.
Since you asked:
It is contingent that comedy writers and comedians make fun of the pompous acts of the arrogant and powerful. There is no doubt in my mind that were I powerful, I would become arrogant and pompous, but as I am not, I get to lay into them unabashed. It’s fun, it’s easy and it’s fair. It’s fair because they asked for it. That is why jokes at the expense of Chelsea Clinton, for one example, were never funny but mean. She did not ask for her fame or her situation.
So why, you ask, is Camilla Parker Bowles is such an inviting target for nasty personal insults? Because she chose to put herself in the public eye. And it simply doesn’t get more pompous than any connection to the Royal family.
Because it is contingent that comedy writers and comedians make fun of the pompous acts of the arrogantly powerful, that is also why it becomes so deathly unfunny when comedians become pompous, arrogant and powerful themselves. Nobody can make fun of others for being exactly what they have now become.
That doesn’t mean all successful comedians become pompous and arrogant. Billy Crystal, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Chris Rock, Conan O’Brien, Steve Martin are just a few good examples of guys who I believe are grounded and yet still wildly huge and hilarious. They probably consider themselves fortunate to be blessed with talent and success and they appreciate the wonderful position that they have earned.
On the other hand, could Chevy Chase, Rosie O'Donnell, Eddie Murphy, Roseanne, Bill Cosby, Bill Maher and Jeanine Garafulo possibly have fallen faster and further from the heights of extreme funniness? (Ellen DeGeneris? Great comeback, that)
One of the first symptoms of pompous arrogance and an over-blown ego is when they truly believe that their opinions are not only more important than other people’s opinion’s – face it, we all think that – but that their overly-important opinions are so damn important that they must be shared with all those poor morons who aren’t as enlightened. Instead of entertaining, they now believe their job is to educate us poor slobs. (This well-written and spot-on observation aside, of course)
Terminally ass-kissed celebrities who are shocked and insulted when they are booed while gratuitously expressing their political opinions at performances just don’t get it. (Attention: Michael Moore) People are not booing their stand on the issues as much as they are booing the fact that they don’t want to hear these issues when they expect to be entertained. Most opinions are not entertaining, they are annoying. Including this one, for crying-out-loud.
If a celebrity wants to use their clout to raise money and support a candidate, I applaud that and they have every right to do that within the proper context, i.e. fundraisers and political meetings. When these haircuts and makeup in designer clothes start to go wrong and lose connection with their fans is when they foist their opinions on us.
That is why, Slats and Nuggies, I hereby give you my pledge:
If, God willing, I ever climb out from the dungeon of comedy poverty and obscurity, in which I so nobly wallow, to make it big on any level - as either a comedy writer or comedian - I swear by the all powerful Thor and Odin, I promise I WILL become pompous, arrogant, conceited, I will abuse my power, and, without question, I will foist my personal, political, as well as religious opinions on every single one of you until you are blue-stated in the face. That way you folks can have as much fun making jokes about my hypocritical narrow behind as I have had making jokes about all of these other hypocritical idiots.
It’s all part of giving something back, and that’s what all the good people here at a.L.B.b. are all about.
Any comments or questions can be directed to:
As always, remember, the big guy may be strong, big, burly and a ruggedly handsome fine figure of a man, but he is still, like all comedy writers, needier than a lost Labradoodle puppy in the rain.
(Once again, polite applause)
Oh, and three last things:
Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.
Tomorrow: why my band growing up wase the Eagles. Felt I was too young and kind of missed the Beatles, loved the Stones and Led Zeppelin, but they were very British and there was a tad too much sexual ambiguity for my young homophobic mind. The Eagles looked like the cool jocks that could hang out with the heads in the smoking area had done up and started an awesome band. They had long hair, played in football jerseys and cowboy boots and wore wrist bands for crying out loud. Does it get cooler than that in 1974?
(Name the first band to start, like so many things, the football jersey and boots attire? You got it, Buffalo Springfield)
Guess I just did why my band growing up was the Eagles. Oh well, tomorrow will have to be another useless rant.