Honey, where are you?
The FDA is investigating reports that Viagra has caused blindness. Can you imagine if Viagra does cause blindness? Trust me, if it turns out that Viagra really does cause blindness there will be perfectly well-sighted guys out shopping for seeing-eye dogs.
If Viagra does cause blindness it would be the perfect sleazy-guy drug: now they don’t have to go to the trouble of getting drunk to have sex with the ugly ones.
Police in Malaysia are hunting a man who flashes women while dressed as Darth Vader. This is also the first time a woman has ever seen a Star War’s fan’s genitalia.
Ahh, thy beloved potty humor
In Vienna, scientists have built a computerized toilet that they are calling “a toilet with a brain.” I don’t think it is going to work. As soon as a scientist tried to use it, the toilet yelled;
“I don’t need to take that crap from you.”
A smart toilet would be preferable to a smart-ass toilet:
"Oh, that's nice. You're a regular Prince. Good lord, go to a doctor."
This week, police in Beverly Hills arrested a man who allegedly robbed Paris Hilton’s home. This was the first time a strange man was in Paris’s home but not in Paris.
The man faces prison time as well as a rather nasty sexually transmitted disease.
What a relief
The judge at the Michael Jackson trial barred the prosecution from showing photos of Michael Jackson’s genitalia. Good thing, or otherwise this trial could have gotten weird.
How did they get pictures of Michael Jackson’s genitalia? Apparently there is a photo booth at the Santa Maria Chuckie Cheese.
Anyone see the big TV movie about the life of Donald Trump? It’s good they showed that, because if there is one thing we don’t see or hear enough about, it’s Donald Trump.Interesting facts from the biography of Donald Trump from the movie. Did you know this? Donald was only fifteen the first time he shot and skinned his first weasel-fur toupee.
That’s a good fit
Shaquille O’Neal is a sworn U.S. Deputy Marshall and Shaq has said he wants to be an undercover cop. Oh yeah, that will work. It’s pretty hard to spot a 7.1, 325 pound guy with a size 24 triple E shoe.
Can you imagine someone getting arrested by Shaquille O’Neal? “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be . . . oh man, clean out your drawers before you get in the squad car.”
Last night Ken Jennings lost in the all-time “Jeopardy” championship. Jennings was so upset he told his mother not to come into his room.
After losing, out of habit, Jennings hung himself on a gym locker hook by his underwear.
This one works better in print
Paris Hilton is in the movie “House of Wax.” She is also filming her next film, “Revenge of the Syph.”
Burger King is handing out Star Wars figures with their food; so now you can get “Revenge of the Sith” figures while you’re contracting Montezuma’s Revenge.
Back to Shaq
Shaquille O’Neal is a sworn U.S. Deputy Marshall and Shaq has said he wants to be an undercover cop. I think that will work, Shaq could stay busy just arresting Kobe Bryant and other NBA players.
You could see this one coming in your rear-view mirror
One of the qualifiers for the Indianapolis 500 is an extremely attractive woman, Danica Patrick. That’s even more amazing because she races while putting on her makeup in the rear view mirror.
Patrick is considered one of the favorites in the Indianapolis 500 as long as she doesn’t keep stopping to ask for directions.
One of the qualifiers for the Indianapolis 500 is an extremely attractive woman, Danica Patrick. Isn’t that sexist to say she is attractive? Nobody has ever said that Jeff Gordon has a cute butt.
Aww, so cute
Mary Kay Latourneau and her former sixth grade student got married Friday; they’re spending their honeymoon at Lego Land.
They were going to catch the new “Star Wars III” movie, but he couldn’t get in, it’s rated PG 13.
Since you asked:
We have many wonderful and talented people here at a.L.b.b. but, sadly, none of them can write worth a tinker's dam. So that means we need your help, T's and R's. See something wrong on this pathetic thing? Let us know. And not when a joke just plain ol' doesn't work, or you'll be writing e-mails every day.
Since you asked:
In order to be truly cool you have to be naturally cool. To be naturally cool means you can’t be trying to be cool. Tom Cruise, for example, can play a cool guy in a flick, he just can’t be a cool guy in real life. To save his life.
Who are some cool people? Well, you have to start with the ultimate cool guy: Paul Newman. He could don a propeller hat and it would be considered cool. That’s just the way nature intended it.
Gwen Stefani? Cool. She can’t help it, she is just cool. Gwen is so cool she even made the ultimate group of not real cool people, a marching band, cool. That’s how cool she is.
Christine, Britney, Lindsay, Jessica? Not cool by reasons of trying to hard. If you have to give cool to one of them, it is probably Jessica. Talented and cool have no connection just as untalented and cool also don’t either.
Mick Jagger? In concert he is cool, that is for sure. Outside? Hmm, not as cool. Trying too hard. Now Keith Richards is cool. He don’t give a flyin’ syringe if you think he’s cool or not which makes him cool.
Many will argue here, but I think Steve McQueen, for many the cool poster boy, is a tad on the trying-too-hard-to-cover-for-being-not-cool school. Rumor is, off screen, he was more than a bit of a priss and primma donna then you would want to believe.
Elvis? Totally cool to totally uncool. Sad.
John Lennon? Was so cool until Yoko killed his coolness. No guy can be pictured cuddling a clothed woman naked and ever be cool again.
Melissa Ethridge? She was cool way before she blasted the joint rocking out with her Chemo bald head. Put her in the cool hall of fame is what that did.
David Letterman? Good question. Here is a guy that makes no bones about the fact that he is highly un-cool which, I gotta say, makes him more then kinda cool. That’s the school I flatter myself to think I am in. Not comparing my humor to the master Letterman, just my accidentally cool un- coolness.
Seinfeld? Not cool. Funny and cool are not always the same. Carrot Top is way cooler because he has made a career out of being un-cool.
If you want the barometer of un-coolness just think of Pat Boone trying to get his rock on in his leather jacket and sunglasses.
You wanna know what is really cool? Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank.
If I may, I would like to vent my frustration at all the people who, this week alone, cut me off in traffic without signaling, made me wait as they ran a four way stop sign, and nearly hit me because they were speeding while concentrating on a cell phone call:
Nobody, anywhere, cares if a total A-hole is five seconds or so later. In fact, you would be doing them a favor by saving them five seconds less they will never get back from being around a selfish, rude, inconsiderate, snotty jerk SO SLOW THE F@&K DOWN!
And that’s how we play: Let Lex Vent.
Have a great weekend.